Hangover and Out: Queer Girls’ Advice On The Day After Drinking

It’s the dog days of summer, which means, according to every teen summer movie ever, we’ll be spending these remaining weekends at bonfires on the beach, drinking and looking attractive while gazing meaningfully at the cute girl playing acoustic guitar on the sand, then sleeping late the following day because it’s summer and we’ve got nothing but time time time. At least until we (who are of college age) go back to our dorms, where we’ll split infinity bottles of red wine while talking about Adrienne Rich and art as a tool for social justice and whether the burritos in the dining hall will give us food poisoning. And then what will we do the next day? Text all of our friends from the beds we can’t bring ourselves to leave about our splitting heads in between fits of vomiting, force ourselves to eat disgusting instant oatmeal at 3 pm, throw it back up, and then cry about it.

Is there a way out? Yes, you could just not drink the wine, but I mean besides that. Anyone (ahem) who has tried to Google “hangover cures??” can tell you there are a million. Weirdly, many of them are found in men’s fitness magazines, which calls into question whether they are also good ideas for people who don’t also inject a protein hemp shake into their biceps every morning. Of course, there are also some strategies aimed at women, but that can feel a little patronizing. “I know its no fun having to run off to the ladies every time a George Clooney-ish dude starts chatting you up, but if you want to still like him in the morning, you must be sure to fill up with plenty of water before leaving home.” (Real quote!)

There’s the tried and true hair-of-the-dog, which is… gender-neutral? Albeit sort of counterintuitive and, for those of us (ahem again) who can’t even think about alcohol without starting to dry heave when they’re hungover, not an option. There’s always yoga (which we heavily endorse as solving all of your problems) and also some really crunchy-granola Healthy Happy tips for people who manage to remain good-hearted and kind to themselves, their bodies and trees after aggressively self-destructive decisions the night before. (Hint: the answer is apparently fish oil. Just… lots of fish oil. Forever.)

Possibly more pragmatic is the more elusive advice for what the f*ck to do at work the next day because hey, turns out it’s Tuesday! There are meta-tips letting you know which of the other hangover tips work best! The internet, if nothing else, is rich with commentary on your poor decisions and what to do about them.

But in the end, none of it will ever be as useful as tried-and-true road-tested methods, passed along by people who care about you. Which is us. We’re nothing if not experienced with self-destructive habits and picking up the pieces afterwards, and we would be loath to keep anything from you. Go forth armed with the wisdom of our entire team, and wake up happy.

PHOTO CREDIT: FLICKR USER GIGAFRAX

Laneia, Executive Editor:

If you find yourself in the position of predicting the living hell that will be your tomorrow, there are a few ways to help your future self thank your past self for doing all you could to help. And they only take a few minutes, so you’ll be stumbling into bed in no time.

+ Water — Obviously. Drink an entire large glass of water. Drink the whole damn thing. Take another glass with you to your place of sleeping. If you wake in the night (you probably won’t, I’m guessing) drink that water. Drink as much as you can without completely waking up and being unable to fall back asleep.

+ Pseudophedrine — This is not something I’m proud of advocating, but if you’re not already on a lot of other weird medication and you don’t have a bad heart or something, taking a sinus / allergy medication that contains pseudophedrine practically eliminates the possibility of a hangover. What happens — in unscientific terms — is that something in there will keep your brain from feeling like it’s bulging through your skull. And the speed-like characteristics (or is it actual speed? I don’t even know) will help push you straight through your usual morning routine, giving you plenty of time to rehydrate and get some calories into your body before the drugs wear off and you can feel your head again. Try to get the 12-hour, and take it before you go to sleep with abovementioned water. This has never not worked. (Disclaimer — seriously though, if there is any possible reason you shouldn’t take this, don’t take it! For real. Be safe, make good choices, etc.) 

Is it the next day and you didn’t take any of my advice and now you feel like absolute shit?

+ Get directly into the shower. The hot water will make your head feel a million times better. Everyone feels better after a shower. If you don’t have time for a shower, I feel like you’re fucked.

+ Peppermint tea — To soothe your stomach. I’d recommend staying away from coffee until you’ve eaten something, but you can live life on the edge if you want.

+ Spaghetti — I don’t know, I always want tomato products when I’m hungover.

+ Vitamin C — This is my answer to everything, I think. Eat an orange.

PHOTO CREDIT: FLICKR USER INDIEFOX

Rachel, Senior Editor:

I was excited because I thought I had a lot of really groundbreaking and original suggestions regarding hangovers, but later realized that I just have a lot of strategies for integrating heavy drinking into an otherwise functional life. For instance, not allowing my friends to tell me about anything I did while blacked out so as to avoid paralyzing shame, and making my hair look like I’ve showered when I haven’t showered. (Secret: if you have curly hair, Aussie’s “Catch The Wave” mousse stuff is perfect. Comb your hair with wet fingers til it’s damp, put this in, scrunch, and then stumble to work.)

It turns out that as far as being hungover goes, my only real insights are to drink at LEAST one glass of water before bed but also try to force yourself to alternate alcoholic drinks with water-drinks the night before, and also tea. I mean duh. Yogi Tea makes an excellent detox tea that tastes terrible, thus convincing you that you are definitely doing something that is really good for you, as does Republic of Tea. Will that actually help? I don’t know. Does it make me feel less like an embarrassing drunk? Yes. Seriously though you should make sure your hair looks cute, because I think that’s like 90% of what your boss looks at to decide whether you’re still drunk or not.

Carly, Contributor:

The only way to get through a hangover is fried food. Like, your lunch should probably consist of soda, fries and a burger or something. That’s all I can say. And lying down. Just lie down, even if it’s under your desk at work.

Sarah Croce, Miss April:

I’ve had good results with this hangover smoothie:

Open a fresh coconut. Scoop out half of the “meat” inside and put it in a blender. Add ice, the fresh coconut juice, almond milk, a banana and agave to said blender. Blend. Drink. Thank me later.

Have to go to work? That’s a real tough one. If you can get a mid-day nap in somehow I suggest doing that. Also hangovers kind of look like bad allergies so sometimes you can pass it off as that. I think that the best possibility is to call in sick or call and say you’ll be late and sleep in a little.

Sarah F*cking Palmface, Writer:

Always, always carry a spare contact case (and maybe your glasses) in your bag when you go out. Either you can use it when you stay over at a house that doesn’t belong to you or you can switch to glasses during the cab ride home when your eyes are so dry you can’t see straight. If you have perfect vision, then eff you.

The next morning, you need ice cold blue Powerade Zero, Tylenol, and a Nutrigrain bar. I recommend buying these things from a gas station the night before and popping them in the fridge before bed. Hangover ended. And if that didn’t work, get yourself to a diner (see: Carmen’s contribution).

Carry an eyeliner pencil. The answer to any problem is always more eyeliner, whether that problem is “I’m not confident enough to hit on this girl” or “I’m not confident enough to walk to the subway at 9 a.m. the morning after.”

LIKE ADAM LAMBERT

MJ, Contributor:

Shower immediately. Drunk shower as soon as you stagger home, if possible. Waking up fresh is waking up with a chance at truly defeating the pain to come. Then, upon waking and feeling your gut withered by alcohol, eat. Toasted bagels and carbs and warmth and crispiness are good choices. Then it’s just WATER, so much of it. Put Emergen-C in the water and drink it because there are not only VITAMINS but ELECTROLYTES in Emergen-C which is great for hangovers. Vitamin B-12 is good because it gives you energy. Keep drinking the electrolyte water. Complain about the hangover incessantly to everyone until dinnertime. Or, at least that’s what I do. Get some sleep the following night. Seriously, if you drank enough to be hungover then don’t drink again the next night because you’ll get strep throat or the flu or something awful.

Katrina, Writer:

I thought this was going to be an easy conversation to contribute to, since I frequently a) am hungover, b) wake up in strange places that never have access to public transportation, and c) find empty-ish beer cans in my bathroom at all times of the day. Like, one night I blacked out at my own house and came back into consciousness at the register of 7/11 buying $10 worth of taquitos (which, by the way, is 20 taquitos). I then questioned the validity of my own advice, as the fact that these things repeatedly seem to happen probably means that I am not good at dealing with them.

So what works? How does one cope with the general shit-showiness that those of us in our early 20s seem to be afflicted with? I used to eat a lot of Subway sandwiches, but honestly by this point, I’ve used Subway to fight off so many gnarly hangovers that it doesn’t even taste like food anymore.

The best thing I’ve found that I can do is be prepared. It’s always best to have your sober self take care of your hungover self, because god knows no one else wants to do it. Before you go out, fill a glass of water and place two painkillers by your bed (painkillers with ibuprofin are supposedly safer than those with acetaminophen if you’ve been drinking). These will be helpful when you inevitably wake up at 6 in the morning like a half-drunk half-hungover, VERY CLUMSY zombie. And while you’re at it, leave yourself a couple of dollars for brunch when you wake up the second time. Your overnight guest will surely appreciate your consideration.

PHOTO CREDIT FLICKR USER A.CURRELL

Crystal, Music Editor:

If your bad decision has meant showing up to your place of employment sans sleep and wearing the same uniform or outfit as you had on the day before, tell your boss that you locked yourself out of your apartment/house. They’ll assume you’re a hot/tired mess because you spent all night trying to break in and resigned to sleeping in your car or the garden bed. What’s more an imaginary locksmith appointment will give you a reason to ditch work early for a shower and some sleep.

If honesty is your best policy, don’t say a word. Your co-workers are probably too preoccupied with their own bad decision morning-afters to notice that you’re still in yesterday’s clothes.

Carmen, Contributing Editor:

Just go out and find the nearest lunch special. When I first discovered the lunch special at my local chinese restaurant, I ordered it every Saturday and Sunday morning until I ran out of money on my meal plan. (By the second month of the semester I had spent over 300 dollars at Spring Garden.) I loved the lunch special. I would order it alone, because you can order one alone, and I loved the can of Diet Coke. I would save fortunes because I believe in fortunes and love fortune cookies, and that made me happy. And sometimes, I ordered crab rangoon, but I’m a vegetarian, so I call it “cheese wonton.”

Chances are, the lunch special is available to you between the hours of 11 and 3, or “fuck I need water and what happened last night? o’clock.” I would work on finishing one all day, as if paying 10 dollars for breakfast / lunch / and dinner somehow made it more acceptable that I was continuously renewing the Darjeeling Limited from AU’s library so I could watch it with a styrofoam container of MSG every weekend. I never felt bad. After all, my morning after was always under 12 dollars – and “lunch special” is actually Chinese for “you should acknowledge your hangover and buy this to cure it.”

Gabby (aka WINNER):

(Ed. note – THIS IS AMAZING) 

VIA HOLLYWOODOVERDOSE.TUMBLR.COM

The Hangover – You are not throwing up. You feel nauseous, still kinda drunk and out of it.

The Cure – 1 cup of ice and 1 bottle of coca cola. (if there is ONE thing in this world that high fructose corn syrup is good for it’s curing a hangover.) Pour soda into ice and drink. Then maybe drink another. The sugar will jack you up and get things in your body moving. The bubbles will give you wings.

The Hangover – You’ve been throwing up all morning. You can’t even feel anything else because you’re drowning in puke. Your stomach muscles are screaming out in pain and you can’t stop crying like a helpless drunk baby.

The Cure – Puke it all up. DO NOT drink Coca Cola. You must:

1) Smoke some weed to calm your stomach. Nothing too high grade either. Get out your Tuesday night bud and start there.
2) Gatorade (orange or red). It’s easier on your stomach than water and can be kept down better.
3) Saltines. Start with 2, keep going if you can keep them down.

The Hangover– You drank but you also did some other things…some substance-y possibly involving small baggies, a mirror, a tab or something else you really shoulda given more thought before you ingested/snorted/popped etc. so now your head is exploding, your nose won’t stop running, you’re puking: You Want To Die.

The Cure – You must remain calm. Find a happy space. Bring your kitten into bed with you. Put a picture of Eva Mendes by your face, whatever it takes to think POSITIVE.*

General Pro Tips:

1) Organic iced Ginger Ale. Time for the Big Guns to come out.
2) Fruit – opt for watermelon, cantaloupe, grapes – anything juicy and light
3) Take an Aleve. Yeah, your liver’s been through the ringer but you’re trying to survive.
4) A slice of bread. Do not get fancy. Save the jelly and butter for later. You can toast it if you want.
5) Water. Lots of ice water with lemons if you’ve got’em.
6) Take a cool shower. Lowering your body temperature will ease nauseous yucky feelings and help calm you down.
7) Delete the number of the person you called at 2:17am to get that stuff that made you so sick.

* gross tip for sniffling nose – take a little chapstick on your finger and coat the inside of your nose with it. it’ll get you through a day of work without people asking if you have the flu.

Share your morning after tips in the comments!

Queer Beer Festival: It Has All The Things

Sarah’s Team Pick:

Today, Toronto is holding North America’s first ever Queer Beer Festival. The event leads into the weekend’s non-orientation-specific Festival of Beer. QBF features 70 brewers all with unique beers.

And refreshingly, the word queer isn’t just there for its rhyming value. The festival actually has something for the whole LGBTQ community, not just the G. There are a few booths focused specifically on women, and the entertainment lineup includes queerio (and Autostraddle) favorites Hunter Valentine and Lucas Silveira of The Cliks.

If you live anywhere in Toronto and don’t have plans tonight, go here! Alternatively, if you live anywhere else and have any festival-planning abilities, please create your own Queer Beer Festival. Preferably in the Detroit area, but maybe that’s just me.

Daniel Radcliffe and the Chamber of Child-Star Secrets

It may seem easy for Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe. He has all the money in the world. Everyone knows and loves him. Of course, that last part is precisely the problem, as it is for all child stars. He’s had to make it through his entire adolescence and young adulthood — the most awkward years of a person’s life — with the whole word watching his every move.

Plus, Radcliffe was the face of the children’s series of Generation Y and the highest-grossing film franchise of all time. Not only do the Potter stars need to worry about their own reputations, but also setting a good example for actual children — a constantly-moving goalpost. In the past year, another set of high-profile young actors, the stars of Glee, dealt with controversy after racy photo-shoots in GQ and Cosmopolitan drew the ire of conservative parents. And sure, there were some in the “morals ‘n’ values brigade” who were likely dismayed by Daniel Radcliffe’s naked turn in Equus.

But overall, Radcliffe, along with co-stars Rupert Grint and Emma Watson, had always seemed above the influence, pictures of propriety as child stars go. Yet, a new interview with Radcliffe, to be released in the August issue of the British GQ, reveals that not all was well at Hogwarts.

via watsongirl.tumblr.com

In the interview, excerpted at The Telegraph, Radcliffe reveals that he struggled with alcoholism, culminating during the filming of Half-Blood Prince:

Radcliffe said his life went off the rails for a period when he turned 18… “I became so reliant on [alcohol] to enjoy stuff,” Radcliffe said, adding that he had also become “complacent” about his job. “There were a few years there when I was just so enamoured with the idea of living some sort of famous person’s lifestyle that really isn’t suited to me.”

Radcliffe eventually realized “he had to change his ways” and went cold-turkey; he has been completely sober since August 2010. Of this he says: “I’m actually really enjoying the fact that I can have a relationship with my girlfriend where I’m really pleasant and I’m not —-ing up all the time.”

via James Dimmock - GQ

One thing that really struck me about Radcliffe’s redemption story is how different it is from so many others. Unlike, say, Lindsay Lohan, Radcliffe likely isn’t concerned over how he can maintain his clubbing schedule without indulging in the occasional cocktail. He sounds like an introvert, someone who was never really a “party person” to begin with: “I’d just rather sit at home and read, or talk to somebody that makes me laugh. There’s no shame in enjoying the quiet life. And that’s been the realization of the past few years for me.” Radcliffe makes it clear that the “party” persona was largely an act, designed to fit a certain ideal of the “Hollywood” lifestyle; when asked what he would tell his younger self, he says, “Don’t try too hard to be something you’re not.”

In a way, it’s not difficult to see why Daniel Radcliffe, or any child star, would succumb to the hard-partying stereotype: It’s an unmistakable way to show that one is an adult, or at least on the road to becoming one. It forces the public to accept that the fresh-faced kid they knew is no more. It’s become cliché to discuss how this innocence/adulthood dichotomy affects female stars and their sexuality — but it doesn’t just affect girls. When a young male star is as high-profile as Radcliffe is, the barrier between childhood and adulthood, between eternal typecasting and a full career, can be just as rigid — requiring its own drastic measures to break. The media generally delights in these “trainwrecks” but nobody’s laughing when self-destruction leads to permanent consequences, as it has recently for former child stars Corey Haim and Brad Renfro.

via fuckyeahdanielradcliffe.tumblr.com

I’ll finish this article with a confession: Daniel Radcliffe is the one and only male celebrity crush I’ve ever had. While I’m a fairly solid Kinsey 3 in real life, the only celebrities who do it for me are women for some reason. Except Daniel Radcliffe. Back in the summer of 2004, I developed a huge crush on him after buying a bunch of fan magazines before the release of Prisoner of Azkaban – where I found out that we liked the same books, and the same ‘70s punk bands! Clearly, we were a match made in heaven because OMG WE HAD SO MUCH IN COMMON!

Of course, I couldn’t have been more wrong. My various personal demons aside, I had a relatively normal adolescence. Meaning, I had lots of room to f*ck up. As an overachiever with a serious fear of failure, I didn’t like f*cking up, but nevertheless it happened, repeatedly, and each time I was able to pick myself up and start again. That’s part of what it means to be a young person: Multiple chances to mess things up, and reinvent yourself, over and over, without ruining your life or leaving any permanent stains on your record. But most of Daniel Radcliffe’s life has been defined by Harry Potter. Which meant no room for the typical teenage screw-ups. Which meant no time to really be a kid.

Radcliffe is now doing fairly well. His work with the Trevor Project has made him into a strong ally for LGBT youth, and he’s currently starring on Broadway in How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. He has houses in both New York and London, where apparently his only big splurges are on books and art. He loves his girlfriend and genuinely seems pretty happy and satisfied with his life.

So this summer’s final film may be the end of Harry Potter, but it won’t be the end of Daniel Radcliffe.

Note: Radcliffe’s GQ interview comes with a playlist of music from his iPod. You know you want to, Pottermaniacs.

Katrina’s Team Pick: Jelly Shot Test Kitchen

It’s summer, which means it’s time to drink. This year, my friends and I have resolved to step it up a notch by getting drunk creatively. This may or may not be an idea that we came up with drunk. At first we considered exclusively drinking Hpnotiq and Cristal so as to appear (unconvincingly) as hip-hop sensations. Soon, though, we realized that doing these things would not bring us fly honeys, nice cars, or endless nights in hot tubs, despite being promised this by music videos. That’s when we found Jelly Shot Test Kitchen, a blog dedicated to re-interpreting classic cocktails as fancy, lovely jelly shooters. A blend of aesthetics, culinary prowess, and general boozery, JSTK has a cocktail for all seasons.

I haven’t actually made any of these yet, but they sure are pretty. Hypothetically (or in a better world where things I make are actually edible), these would be a few of my favorites:

(top to bottom): The 78, Ocean Margarita, French Lemonade

Bailey's and Coffee

Washington Apple

For even more, check out the Jelly Shot Test Kitchen recipe book.

OPEN THREAD: What’s Your Beer’s Gender Identity?

So, beer! Right? SO GOOD. Lesbians love beer! I’ve observed all of you in your natural habitat and you’re often scrounging for beer or saying things like “I need a beer” or “let’s have a beer” or “just one more beer” or “HAND ME THAT BEER, WOMAN!”.

Anyhow, I’m not sure if you realized this, because you’re probably gay, and therefore somewhat mannish and probably very unfashionable with a bad haircut, 10 cats and a broken lawnmower and certainly not at all style-conscious but there has never been a gender-neutral beer!

You may be asking yourself, “Does beer have a gender?” and to that I say — yes apparently it does. That gender is “male.”

From AdWeek‘s “Is this the world’s first gender-neutral beer”?:

In a category almost complete geared toward men… Copenhagen can also attract women, who make up one-quarter of the beer market. “We can see that there are a number of consumers, especially women, who are very aware of design when they choose beverage products,” Jeanette Elgaard Carlsson, international innovation director at Carlsberg, says on the brewer’s website. “There may be situations where they are standing in a bar and want their drinks to match their style. In this case, they may well reject a beer if the design does not appeal to them. The consumer surveys that we have conducted in Denmark show that 98% of the target group finds Copenhagen exciting.” Of course, women presumably don’t just choose a beer as a fashion accessory. But there isn’t much mention of the taste, beyond it being “light” and “refreshing.”

Here’s the ad for Copen+Hagen beer, narrated by a British guy. That must be what women want, right? Well-designed beer and a British guy?

+

To be fair — this is one good looking bottle of beer.

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that beer commercials are usually somehow offensive to women and always objectify women. But does that actually matter when you’re selecting a beer to consume? Have you ever felt like you needed a more feminine beer? Do you drink Dos Equis because Shane drinks Dos Equis? Do you drink Bud Light because they sponsored Dinah Shore?

On a related note, just talk about beer.

Get Toasted with Autostraddle: A Very Special Holiday Drinking Edition

It’s the holiday season. Do you know where your drink is?
IT’S RIGHT HERE.

that one girl looks just like riese but isn't riese and that other girl is eating pound cake? which is so perfect.

I asked a strategically selected group of Autostraddle team members to share their favorite holiday cocktails. Gabby was the only one who sent photos, which is one of the reasons she was unanimously voted Team Member of the Month by me and Eli.

+ Skinny’s Spiced Pear & Ginger Punch: Fit for a Femme
+ Poinsettia: Fit for a Femme
+ Spiced Pear Sangria de Cava: Fit for a Femme
+ Peppermint Snowflake Mistake: Rachel
+ Candy Cane Infused Vodka: Rachel
+ Coquito: Gabby
+ Nightly Standard: Stef
+ Bloody Caesar / Mary / Ohio / Whatever Who Cares: Laneia

from Fit For a Femme:

SKINNY’S SPICED PEAR & GINGER PUNCH

originally posted here

Ingredients
1/2 bottle of white wine (not-too-sweet Riesling or Pinot Grigio ought to do it)
12 oz. or so of pear nectar
a couple of ounces of Domaine de Canton French Ginger Liqueur w/ VSOP Cognac
a couple of ounces of Hendrick’s gin
few dashes pumpkin spice (typically nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves, ginger)
fresh-squeezed lemon juice (1-2 large lemons)
muddled basil

Get a big ass pitcher. Fill that bitch with hella ice. Pour the wine and pear nectar over the ice. Put the basil and lemon juice into a shaker. Muddle. Add ice, Domaine de Canton, Hendrick’s. Shake. Pour into pitcher. Either shake the spice into the pitcher and mix, or sprinkle atop each drink and serve (or a wee bit of both for added fanciness). Booyah. You’re welcome. Of course, as I did, you’ll have to tinker with it to get it just right, but I’m not Martha bloody Stewart, so godspeed and good luck!

Poinsettia

Just pour a little cranberry juice or cranberry cocktail (my favorite is a cranberry apple blend) into a champagne flute, fill the rest with cava, Prosecco (Ruggeri is my favorite) or champagne and you’re all set!

Spiced Pear Sangria de Cava

This one is definitely more luxe than the other two, but it’s divine.

Add a healthy (very healthy) pour of Hangar One Spiced Pear Vodka to a pitcher of cava that’s been allowed to sit for awhile with chunks of pear, apple, slices of orange, lemon, and a handful of cranberries. Sprinkle in some ginger, nutmeg and cinnamon for spice. Serve over ice with a lemon wedge. Enjoy!

from Rachel:

PEPPERMINT SNOWFLAKE MISTAKE

Ingredients
vanilla ice cream (1/2 cup?)
4-6 peppermints, the gross pinwheel kind your grandma always has
rum (a lot) (or peppermint schnapps if you have that, whatever)

Put the ice cream in a blender. Add the peppermints. If your blender isn’t that strong, you might want to put the peppermints in a ziploc bag and hit them with something heavy first, like a cast iron pot or your L Word DVD box set. Add rum. Add roughly the same amount of rum as you would add milk if you were making a real milkshake. Blend. Remember that you don’t really like peppermint and the ice cream will be really sweet because you bought the discount supermarket brand, so add more rum. Really, the key here is a lot of rum.

Pour into a tall glass and drink. It should taste gross. Continue drinking until you don’t care that it tastes gross.

Candy Cane Infused Vodka

The day I found out you could “infuse vodka” just by putting vodka in a jar with some other stuff and walking away was a real turning point for me. The day I found out it didn’t even have to be classy stuff like raspberries or lemon – Skittle vodka exists, people – was maybe what I would pinpoint as the beginning of my downfall. If you pick out some stuff you think tastes good and put it in some vodka right now, it will be done right around Christmas! Or if you don’t remember til your great-aunt shows up on Christmas day and her gift is a “Becoming Heterosexual in 12 Easy Steps” DVD, that’s fine too, maybe it will be ready for New Years or the Epiphany or something.

Anyways, what I would recommend doing is putting some candy canes in a Mason jar with a bunch of vodka (the nice stuff, if you can afford it) and sealing that shit up, then leaving it for 2-3 weeks. After that, open it up, take out the candy canes and strain it. DONE. DRINK. Maybe in some hot cocoa. Aunt Mavis can’t touch this shit.

from Gabby:

COQUITO

Coquito pronounced (koh-key-toe) is kinda like Puerto Rican Egg Nog.

My beautiful and awesome cousin Gloria seriously makes the best Coquito I’ve ever had. Thankfully she agreed to share her recipe with me and all of you lovely Autostraddlers.

Estimated Prep Time: 30 mins. Works best if you get some of your cousins or friends to help you open the cans, taste test to make sure you have enough Bacardi and swap stories about how drunk you got off Coquito last Christmas.

Ingredients
1 can of Bordens Egg Nog (or like any kind of egg nog you like)
1 can evaporated milk
1 can coconut cream
1 can condensed milk
1 egg yolk
1 tbsp cinnamon
1 tsp vanilla extract
Bacardi (or whatever rum)
ground clove and nutmeg for garnish

I stole this action figure from my brother when we were kids and decided to give him a few awesome minutes of holiday fame.

Tools:
can opener
whisk
two large mixing bowls
one blender
two large empty liquor or wine bottles (cleaned out)

Separate egg from yolk. Empty contents of all cans into one large mixing bowl along with the cinnamon. Add the separated yolk and one liter of rum, feel free to be heavy handed. Stir it all up.

Slowly pour mix into blender. You may need to repeat this step in three or four batches to blend all your mix. Don’t want the damn thing to spill everywhere. Blend.

Whisk all blended contents into final mixing bowl. Add sprinkles of nutmeg and ground cloves.

Pour the mixture into empty liquor bottles or, if you’re fancy and have a nice container, feel free to use it. Serve over ice.

One sip and you are officially Puerto Rican for the holidays. Also, feel free to edit and alter the recipe to make it your own. No two coquitos are alike.

cousin Gloria and action figure enjoy some banging ass Coquito

from Stef:

NIGHTLY STANDARD

Bourbon. Garnish with ice. Serve generously.

from Laneia

BLOODY CAESAR / MARY / OHIO / WHATEVER WHO CARES

A) What Stef said.
B) Bloody Mary! It is vegetables AND LIQUOR. It’s essentially the most perfect combination of any two things.

This recipe is from my newest chef crush, Chuck Hughes, who could quite easily be my next boyfriend if he’d just come and get me. I obviously omit the giant crab claws here because who the fuck has money for giant crab claws? Not me! Ridiculous.

Ingredients
lemon wedges
steak spice
worcestershire sauce
hot sauce
fresh horseradish (I’ve used horseradish from a jar and lived to tell the tale)
tomato juice (Clamato is SO GOOD; V8 works in a pinch.)
vodka
salt & pepper
celery stalk
snow crab claw if you’re covered in money / live near the sea
ice
straws from Dunkin Donuts

Put the steak spice on a plate like you would for margarita salt. Wet the rim of your glass with a lemon wedge and then stamp it into the steak spice plate. Yay you just rimmed your glass. Hot damn.

Fill your rimmy rimmed glass with ice. It’s really important that you FILL the glass with ice. Lots of ice. Now add a few dashes of worcestershire and hot sauce. Grate some horseradish into the glass. Don’t go overboard or anything – like a quarter teaspoon or less (or more, whatever). Salt the ice! Pour in some tomato juice until it’s about four inches from the top of glass. Fill the rest of the glass with vodka.

Stir that shit with a celery stalk. Garnish with a lemon wedge, which you’ll immediately squeeze into the Bloody Ohio and then add more salt and pepper and stir. Just keep stirring and stabbing the ice with the celery stalk until you’re getting on your own nerves. Put a straw in it and drink it. As you drink, adjust all ingredients as necessary. Like it probably needs more vodka. Maybe prepare a second Bloody Jimminy Cricket while you’re drinking your first one. Glasses come in sets of at least four right? Just go ahead and make three more drinks now while you can still count.

Think of this as your Holiday Libation Open Thread. What is your go-to holiday cocktail / punch / flask-filler? Low-brow / high-brow / whathaveyou etc. — tell us how you self-medicate through I MEAN CELEBRATE the holidays! Prosit! Peace be with you!

Riese’s Team Pick – Famous Literary Drunks & Addicts

Life Magazine Presents Famous Literary Drunks & Addicts. Ayn Rand on speed, Burroughs on heroin, Dorothy Parker & Jack Kerouac drinking the drink, Louisa May Alcott on Opium and more! Also – who said, “I’m an alcoholic. I’m a drug addict. I’m homosexual. I’m a genius.” (and no it wasn’t Internicaine KC Danger).