Episode 307

This episode picks up in Storybrooke at the beginning of the season, back when they first sailed to Neverland and Belle was left in charge of everything, as she is a very capable person when she’s not crippled by her relationship with Rumpleforeskin. There’s a lot of magical environment set-up stuff to be done in these first scenes, so go ahead and put your vegan turkey in the microwave because it’s all kind of a narrative blur. The townspeople have to mine pixie dust and run around importantly and make a magical forcefield because some 2005-era hipsters are en route to Storybrooke in their red convertible. A convertible in late autumn Maine? Those boys’ nipples could cut glass at this point.

testes recede into body as neutral milk hotel plays

Regina and Rumple, the official dream team of this show now that they are the ONLY ONES GETTING ANYTHING DONE, give Ariel what she’ll need for her journey to Storybrooke. This includes a nice bracelet and a sand dollar. Because why use any other practical mode of communication when you can use a sand dollar? It’s like we expect this show to have rational solutions to their problems! Regina makes a deal with Ariel, and Ariel, again, despite the history of deals made with Regina, agrees to it because if she succeeds, she’ll get Eric back. Do it for the booty, honey. Regina is an equal opportunity villain, since she makes sure Ariel knows that if Eric and Ariel wanna do it when Ariel still has fish parts, she’s not gonna discriminate.

i’ll give you a twenty if you can grab my vibrator while you’re in town, mommy’s dying

Since Pan has an intimate connection with the island, he can sense that someone has left its boundaries. He can also sense when someone enters its boundaries, so the arrival of the Jolly Roger was a very, um, pleasurable experience for Pan.

daddy likes

The dwarves are chilling at the frigid coastline that Maine calls a beach, when Ariel pulls a Darcy and emerges from the water. She tells them to take her to their leader, and helpless to her children’s Halloween costume and Fredericks of Hollywood bra, they obey.

listen up fives, a ten is speaking

The hipsters from 2005, who are obviously the Darling brothers because duh, have got their eye on that sushi.

you think she’s into the postal service? you think we could inseminate her egg sacks in that cove over there?

Meanwhile at Granny’s, Belle’s staring forlornly at an uneaten burger. This burger reminds her of the time Ruby caught her crying in the snow, and tilted her chin up so she could look into her eyes, and kissed her passionately as the snow whirled around them. Jiminy’s like hey, you know what they say about lesbian werewolves who have been removed from the plot after taking another contract, but then Grumpy busts in with Ariel. Also, let’s talk about the fact that Belle has turned down four burgers in four days. She only eats one burger a day? Sheesh, amateur.

just find a girl with hairy armpits and tell her to howl during intercourse

Ariel and Belle head to Rumpleforeskin’s shop, where Ariel pulls a Winona and starts casing the place, and Belle attempts to get shit done. She did not spend a feature film conversing with inanimate objects for nothing. Because everyone communicates by hologram these days, Rump appears in a cloud of piss-colored smoke to tell them that they’re in search of a box, except he says it in a very cryptic way. Lord knows he couldn’t just send an email with an image attachment of what they’re looking for.

Back on the Neverland sound stage, in a plotline you never ever wanted to bear witness to, Snow is mad at Charming and taking it out on Emma by bringing up Emma’s love life. Oh boy, wow. Snow confronting Emma so they can have a talk about her boring as hell men? We’ve never seen this before. It’s good that they’re spending so much time discussing this love triangle instead of trying to find Henry. They’ve really got their priorities in line.

Pan and henchboy Felix are pretending to be secretive, emphasis on pretending. Pan makes sure he whispers as loudly as possible about Henry not finding out so that Henry will feel compelled to find out. Assessing that there is no way this could possibly be a trap, Henry decides to investigate further. Remember when Henry was precocious and intelligent in an only-slightly-irritating way? Remember when you weren’t worried for his life because he could still deduce simple problems and exercise caution in any given situation? Henry, I know your mother raised you better than this.

is this like when my mom has my other mom over and they tell me not to come into the bedroom for a few days

The “love triangle” is off on a side mission to retrieve what Regina once dubbed an unimpressive nightlight, and once Emma is out of earshot, Hook and Neal decide to put their anxious masculinity to the test. Hook’s like hey, thanks for maturely dealing with the fact that I kissed Emma even though I am a shitty dude. Neal’s like hey, you might have kissed her, but I knocked her up and put her in jail, so I think I win for shittiest dude. And then they stare each other down as if they are about to have a silverback gorilla-esque pounddown because boys are stupid and why do we still have them around.

Belle and Ariel get tied up by the indie rock band circa 2005, and they have a GUN. Shit has never been realer. They’re here on behalf of Pan, and they’ll exchange that magic box for a shitty mixtape that’s just nine different versions of “Lovers’ Spit”.

please stop speaking in the postal service lyrics

The Love Triangle from Hell has found their way to the Dark Hallow, which is a great name for an after-hours lesbian bar, but actually the place where Pan’s shadows live. Hook decides this is a great time to process the kiss with Emma, specifically the part where he told Neal about the kiss. Emma could literally not give less of a shit about how anyone feels about what she puts her mouth on, since again, Henry. Hook pulls out an oversized Flava Flav clock on a chain and taps on it insistently to suggest that time is running out for her to choose between Neal and Hook. Neither one of them is likely to survive the friendzone for much longer, so it’s better to pressure her incessantly while she attempts to recover her child.

Ariel’s helping Belle out of being tied up, which seems like a great opportunity for her and Ariel to use each other as beautiful, beautiful rebounds. Unfortunately, there’s a world to save, and Belle is all about priorities. She’s troubled by everything that’s happened, and Ruby’s not here to caress her lips with her fingertips and suck on her neck.

kinky? this is nothing. you do realize i used to have a fish vagina, right?

Back in the worst storyline you’ve ever encountered, Neal and Hook are pulling off the physical comedy routine of this entire series in an effort to prove their manliness. Never mind that her child is in mortal danger, let’s figure out which inferior example of manhood Emma should bang! Everyone knows love triangles made up of characters you don’t give a shit about are surefire ways to get your audience invested in a narrative, especially when directly contrasted with the plight of an endangered minor! Said failed efforts lead to the boys losing their way to light the coconut. Emma’s left to her own magic devices, and lights the candle all by herself using that handiwork her girlfriend’s been teaching her. The boys are bewildered. When they ask her how she did that, she says “Regina” and it’s beeyootiful.

The Darling boys beat Ariel and Belle to the mines, where they explain that Pan has their sister hostage and that’s why they have to do his bidding. Pan’s kept them stuck in their early twenties forever, complete with perpetual student loans, eternal haggling from parents who want them to go to grad school, and the worst sexual decisions of their life. Belle and Ariel don’t think that the complaints of the millenial generation are legitimate because they refuse to acknowledge the worst economy in years and circumstances beyond anyone’s control. But they think that everyone can work together to beat Pan, because Pan has proven himself to be a slimy little bastard.

i was like mom i can just push back my student loans and she was like that’ll ruin your credit score and i was like you don’t even know how a credit score works

Speaking of slimy little bastards, Henry’s making it almost too easy for Pan to set him up. He follows henchman #46 to the resting place of Wendy, who says the dwindling magic of the island is making her sick. Henry, questioning absolutely nothing about this situation and falling over himself to help out a 114 year old girl with magical TB, says he’ll help her. Oh, Henry. Critical thinking, little buddy. You gotta use it.

Regina and Rumpleforeskin’s super rad beach party is interrupted by Ariel showing up with Pandora’s Box. Ariel gives them the update on what’s up and insists they save Wendy while they’re at it. Regina is in full mama bear mode and only wants to focus on saving Henry, but Ariel is like hey, okay, this is the only time in the storyline I have been motivated to do something that did not end in me fisting Eric, so let me have this character motivation.

Tink’s back, and she and Neal give each other the once-over like okay, damn, that either happened or it will happen. Which would be great, because I’m all for that triangle being decimated in every way possible.

damn bae you can catch me slippin anytime

Next week: Regina and Emma use magic together, which leads them both to climax.

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