Back in Green Screen Kingdom, Ariel and Snow are all decked out in their sophomore semi-formal dresses, and boy, are they…something. Actually, pretty sure the extras in these scenes were outfitted by an intern run to Forever 21 and Maurice’s, so.
ashley said her mom could pick us up but like i don’t want to go back to ashley’s house tonight because she doesn’t even have a dvd player
Snow tries to help Ariel with her whole human schtick, but Ariel smells ripe manhood and spots Eric. Girl wants the D, and by D I mean Damn Have The Writers Ever Heard of a Narrative Where The Female Isn’t Desperate For A Guy To Complete Her?
Apparently, Eric has been having dreams about Ariel, and figured that Ursula was sending him these dreams to tell him about his future mate. Little did he know that his future mate would deposit her eggs into a shallow cove where he would have to go and inseminate them outside of the body, but details, details.
Regina and her breasts are not pleased. The minions were supposed to kill Snow, not let her have a meaningful connection with a former mermaid who is trying to U-Haul with some flat-haired dummy who believes in dream reading. What is this, a lesbian commune in 1994?
Back in another angle of the same Neverland ten feet of jungle, Rumple is visited by yet another pesky vision of Belle. Except this time, holy shit, Regina shows up and fucking choke holds the Belle vision like a fucking Sith. Lo and behold, and no surprise to Regina or any member of the audience but kind of a surprise to Rumple, the Belle vision is actually a Pan shadow. Rumple’s like wow, definitely rethinking that handjob she gave me earlier.
not endgame? you know who else wasn’t fuckin endgame? sharmen wasn’t fuckin endgame but does anyone give a fuck? no they fuckin don’t
Elsewhere on the Neverland sound stage, everyone’s looking for Neal because that seems like a great use of their limited resources. Emma decides this is as good a time as ever to tell her mom that she and Hook kissed, and Snow has to check herself in order to not grind her teeth to sand. Emma’s like boy, this is some weather we’re having, and let’s not get too excited about Neal being alive because I don’t need to remind you guys that he’s not the most super male specimen. Snow is bewildered that Emma could not have hope in the face of all the fucking adversity that is attempting to foil an elaborate kidnapping, especially since hope is where happy endings come from! Are we seriously trying to make a connection between Emma/Neal and happy endings? Are we going there, Snow? Really, bitch? Really?
my stylist said i could never pull off the german schoolboy haircut but i had hope on my side
Zippety doo dah back in time to Kingdom of the Green Screen, where Eric wants Ariel to come live and travel with him forever, and Ariel is processing that level of commitment. On one hand, she’s always wanted to completely lose her autonomy to a stranger she’s just met, but on the other hand, she doesn’t want to ask for things that she needs because that’s definitely not what a healthy relationship is, right OUAT writers? Snow’s like, psh, healthy relationships? Honey, shit is overrated. So Ariel decides she’s going to go ask the goddess Ursula for advice. And here’s where this show just kind of deteriorates into the land of Wait, What.
Because guess who is pretending to be Ursula?
what’s up bitches
Regina is pretending to be Ursula, guys! I realized this is actually really upsetting because seeing Regina and Actual Ursula interacting would have been so fucking satisfying, but it seems like they’ve neutered her and turned her into a benevolent sea deity rather than a queer icon/badass witch, so maybe I’d be disappointed. Disappointed by this show’s portrayal of my Disney favorites, though? Crazy, right? That shit never happens.
Back on the sound stage that is Neverland, Regina and Rumple are teaming up because Regina is sick of sitting around and having hushed conversations about which shitty dude is supposed to win Emma’s heart. They both want to get to Pan, Regina because he’s kidnapped her son and Rumple because that Pan shadow gives first-rate handies, but it turns out the thing that will do just that is back in Storybrooke. Oops.
you think we could get one of those shadows to look like emma? what? oh no reason
Back in Green Screen Cove, Regina-Ursula has given Ariel a solution that involves some handcuff-like devices. Kinky! Turns out the cuff will turn Snow into a mermaid so she can “escape” the Evil Queen, and Ariel can live the rest of her days with this guy she is just meeting for the second time. Everybody comes away from this a winner, guys. Except not, because the Evil Queen reveals herself and says “Hi, you lose.”
it’s a breast-off, snow. are you in or are you out?
Back in the most tedious storyline to ever be tedious, Team Pollyanna is on their way to find Neal, who is trapped in a Cave of Secrets. Wait, a cave of what? Of SECRETS, you say?
Neal’s in a cage in the middle of the cave. At this point in the episode, I yelled “Leave him there!” but no one listened to me because there were morals to be learned. Under the guise of a plot device that any 7-year old could construct, everyone has to tell a secret to make the bridge that will get them to Neal. Hook’s secret is that he’s finally gotten over that other lady thanks to the love of Charming. Just kidding, he says it’s because of that one time he kissed Emma after skulking and making inappropriate comments at her. True love! Snow’s secret is that she wants to have another baby because this whole attempting to helicopter parent an adult thing has been a real pain in the ass, and baby is more malleable. Charming’s secret is that he can never leave Neverland because he had that drink up on Brokeback Mountain. Emma’s secret is that she wishes Neal were dead because it’d be easier than still loving him, and oh for the love of Goddess, her secret frees Neal from his cage.
Back in the Kingdom of Green Screen and Forever21, Ariel has a chance to go join Eric and his massive dinglehopper, but she decides to sacrifice her happily ever after for another person she just met. Honey, you’re missing the point. Did I mention that Ariel stabs Regina in the neck with a fork? That happened.
Of course, Ariel clearly has to pay for the fork stabbing, and pay she does, because when she swims back to climb Eric like a tree, she’s found that she’s lost her voice. Regina’s conveniently still on the dock, hours and hours later, and tells her that it’s a real bitch when you can’t tell your love how you feel. Regina would know, guys. Regina would know. Sometimes she whispers “I want you” into Emma’s hair when she sleeps.
my eyes are up here, snow
This is all going to come full circle, though, because at the end of the episode we find out that Regina can contact Ariel via a holographic shell projector, and she’s sending Ariel to Storybrooke on a mission. Ariel’s like, wow, last time you made me a deal it was pretty fucking shitty. Regina tells her that a gigantic dinglehopper is waiting for her in Storybrooke, because Eric’s there. And that’s right, Ariel’s main motivation for anything in her plotline is right back to “getting that dude.” Feminism, y’all.
On the note of feminism, let’s hop, skip, and take a liberated jump into the next episode, which some would argue is filler, but I would argue has guns in it, which is a distinct step up in terms of how this show thinks about tangible danger. Magical fireballs? Okay. Gun pointed in the face of our childhood’s beloved princesses? Back the fuck up.
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I’m so sorry you’ve been having some health issues and thank you for preserving and bringing us your AMAZING recaps!
Part of why I like Autostraddle so much is that it never falls into recapping “gay subtext” on tv shows like other websites I could mention. So I don’t get why OUAT is being recapped. How about a recap of Lost Girl or Orphan Black, a show with actual queer characters? I’d love to see your awesome talent for funny captions on something like that!
I’m not trying to be snarky I’m genuinely confused.
i’m so glad you asked! because now i get to share the very exciting news that we DO have someone recapping Lost Girl AND Orphan Black, as of the last 7ish days! WOOOOOO
as for why OUAT is being recapped: kate was already watching it, mulan came out as a dirrrty bisexual, kate decided to recap it, we think kate is hilarious/maybe even a recapping genius tbh, so we were all YEAH GET IT and the rest is hirstory.
Woooo yay!
There was a Regina/Ursula confrontation. Ursula was a weird liquified bronze statue thingie.
i know, but that was such a sad cop-out. sometimes i just want them to have a “poison apple tavern” a la shrek where all the disney villains hang out and swap ways to prank the charmings and have a burlesque show every thursday and karaoke on fridays and gay bingo on saturdays and-
i have put too much thought into this.
It was a sad cop out. In the beginning, Regina had a circle of baddies to have apple brew with. Oh well, forgotten plot points are another facet of this show.
Your recaps are about the best thing ever. What watch bad tv when you can read the improved version with hilarious captions and far superior writing?
I love your recaps Kate!
Also, I’m wondering if anyone knows what they put in the water cooler on set to make the entire cast have such homoerotic chemistry with each other regardless of their actual acting skills or the current storyline.
Those recaps are hilarious, and since I no longer watch the show (except well, for the SwanQueen bits) it keeps me up to speed.
Seriously though, are there actual people who watch the show very seriously? Because without the gay subtext, that show is totally unwatchable, not just because of plot holes, shitty CGI and problematic messages, but because it’s so unbearably cheesy.
I used to watch it seriously because I liked the alternate universe/ reimagining of fairy tales, but my interest sort of waned when I realized how boring the whole concept of “true love” and how it always MUST be heterosexual, along with the troubling lack of people of color in the main cast. (besides Lana Parrilla who is half-latina and absolutely amazing)
my mom gets really mad when I complain about/critic the shows many issues lol. yet every week she’s like, “I don’t understand?!?!”
Every time Neal is on screen I expect him to turn out to be a misogynistic serial killer, and worse, bust out a horrible cajun accent. But on the plus side, if that happened, maybe it would magically summon Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual Vampire to the show to eat half the cast and sensually swap some fluids with Mulan.
HOLY SHIT THAT’S THE SAME ACTOR?!?! WTF?? He was hot on True Blood (minus the serial killing), what happened?!
So sorry about your medical condition! Hope you feel better soon. I really really love your OUAT recaps . I was also upset about the Ursula casting. I mean come on! My favorite moment was also when Emma answered Regina. I got so much fuzzies! :D
I actively loathe about 90% of the show but keep watching solely for Lana Parilla. Forget this redemption stuff, Regina needs to go straight up villain again to make the show at least somewhat interesting.
Regina really brought the ham in the fake-Ursula storyline. Like, a whole deli. She bought the entire pig farm.
Kate, these images/captions had me in stitches.
I tried to watch this show for the first time at the start of this season after hearing that Mulan was maybe a homogay, but I got confused/bored/drank half a bottle of wine and fell asleep instead.
I hope you feel better, Kate.
Also, part of the reason I am commenting on this post was that I didn’t want to get into the discussion on the Blue is the Warmest Color post, but I had the sense that maybe I was missing out on something by not taking the opportunity to type your name over and over, Kate.
Okay, rethinking the whole watching this shit-show because of reasons. I’ll settle for Kade’s hilarious screencaps with text and generous cleavage of Regina’s photos. I mean what.
The twitter stuff with the writers? Gross. Just so gross and wrong.
Your recaps bring so much joy to my life! I had to stop reading them at work because I couldn’t hide my laughter enough to be sneaky about it! I was already a fan of the show (hey, some of us can overlook terrible plots and some of us love the uber-cheesiness) but I find myself looking forward to your recaps even more!! Thanks Kate!
I’m completely in love/lust with Regina, ever since the beginning. She’s really the only reason I still watch OUAT. But I have started watching OUAT in Wonderland, and I’ve found it to be a whole hell of a lot more interesting and satisfying (except for some of the exoticism of the Aladdin storyline, no surprise).
And yet another Autostraddle recap- here to confuse me even more than bad plot writing already did but able to entertain me far more than any given episode could. Well done!
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@queergirl Need to get rid of this person.
thanks kristana! i’m not a mod but @alarae should be able to take care of it. <3