Straight People Watch: Fall 2018

Ah, fall, a time for contemplation and evolution. Or, if you’re straight, time to cruise control your thoughts and stay exactly the same. Hop aboard the haunted hayride of compulsory heterosexuality, folks. It’s time for another round of Straight People Watch!

Straight People Watch, where we’re off the deep end, being watched as we dive in, where we never meet the ground. Where we crash through the surface, where they can’t hurt us, because we’re far from the shallows now.

Siri, play “The Despair in a Man’s Eyes (Ft. Woman’s Euphoric Denial)” at full volume. Siri? Thank you. Also, Siri? I’m sorry.

What a loving couple about to embark on the joys of parenthood, with half of which surely on their way to honoring their role in the childrearing process with a laser-like focus on the Saturdays when they get to shed it completely, instead of just partially like they do on the week days, to get blackout drunk on a combination of Southern Comfort and Coors at the football tailgate. A tradition like no other!

For those of you unwilling to expose yourself to a Twitter thread by a guy named Eric, I commend you, because is this one ever a doozy! You see, Eric would like a version of Hooters (which, for clarity, is an American restaurant where the kinds of breasts you’ll likely be served go way beyond chicken, am I right, fellas!!!) where instead of women serving wings in tight, low-cut shirts and what are essentially jean panties, women will be serving their undivided attention and empathy. Eric suggests “problem listener” hostesses, so as not to upset every single woman working with stories about his inability to adhere to very explicit social cues, as he is basically an American hero. Sort of that, as he puts it, “geisha place” vibe we all know and love.

Then, also, there would be free food available, which doesn’t really need to be said because that’s sort of obvious. From the get-go when you hear “emotional labor torture chamber”  you and I know there’s free food involved. Oh, our large adult sons will be fed!

His suggested “debate nights” where men get to bait women into a maze of straw men and gaslighting are of course his proposal’s most dynamic feature, combining the concepts of actual hell and escape rooms into one. Let’s hope Gordon Ramsay can make his dreams come true on next season of Kitchen Nightmares!

I usually stay away from these kinds of forums, as they are the devil’s playground and honestly, even for this series, are way too easy. There are entire categories dedicated to the conversation around whether or not men should have to properly wipe their ass, so there’s really no challenge there. But I was sent this and LOVED it. What a day brightener!  It really doesn’t get much better than a 26-year-old man who forced his partners to take IQ tests learning that his intellectual inferiority has made his 19-year-old girlfriend hate him. Some days you’ve just got it going on, and today is that day!

Do you think there’s a correlation between women who date straight men and the number of phones/insurance claims they will have in their lifetimes?

Do you hate your pregnant girlfriend, but the camera’s watching your every move? Will no one go with you to Hooters for Nerds, and you can’t even tell your bitch wife about it? Did you accidentally cut yourself with your monogramed Straight Up A Piece Of Glass Shard groomsman’s gift, but you’re trying to play it cool in the geisha place? Try crying later when you’re alone, with Kleenex Mansize.

I’m wondering if she used the positive reinforcement method or just a spray bottle, because there really are so many arguments for both sides.

We’ll put a boot in your ass pink smoke in your pipes, it’s the American way! Honey, run the engine! *I peel out but realize I’ve hit the gas way too hard and lose control of the car into a ditch, except I planned for that and in that same ditch awaits a nest full of wasps with dye in their stingers that I’ve just burst and they attack our guests, leaving blue welts all over their bodies*

Tag yourself I’m the dust bin barely hanging on.

For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed—a righteousness that is by couples from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will play this Pictionary together.”

This isn’t one of those misleading headlines that reveals the opposite to be true in the body of the story. This is exactly what’s going on here. A quote from one of the brave men who inspired this investigation:

“I may spend all day following orders at work, and wrangling a toddler, and studying for classes, and I don’t really have a choice in any of that, but when it comes to whether or not I am going to brush my teeth this morning I am completely in control.”

Another man equated being asked by his girlfriend if he would brush his teeth since she had to kiss his disgusting crypt keeper mouth to being “nagged” and just stopped altogether. And, hey, I don’t want to nag a nag, but maybe this woman, every woman, should ask their boyfriends if they could drink water and eat food and sleep at least four hours a night. Just a thought from someone who makes 80 cents to their dollar.

I love to flip the script that I’m a man’s property by saying he is mine ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

The ultimate curse.

Probably don’t need like a military bunker theme for a four-year-old, and as always, the option to calm down remains for everyone. That’s just my opinion as someone whose name would trigger Amazon robot discrimination.

This is like getting kicked back in the Inception chair eight times.

As Vanessa Williams once prophesied about me, “And now we’re standing face to face, isn’t this world a crazy place, just when I thought our chance had passed, you go and save the best for last.”

Every time I was sent this article, this song played louder and louder, backing straight people’s magnum opus. Rise, my flames, rise! EVERY BABY SHALL BE MARKED! BOW TO THE FIRE GODS, YOU FOOLS, AND BEG FOR THEIR MERCY, FOR THEY WILL INHERIT THE EARTH!

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Erin

Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 208 articles for us.

80 Comments

  1. Soooo Jane is 19 and they’ve been living together for 3 years??? So starting when she was 16??? ???

  2. That Vanessa Williams song was used on an advert for gravy when I was a kid.

    With a little pavlovian conditioning I reckon I could train myself to react to all extreme straight shenanigans by visualising gravy, therefore becoming a happier person. Will report back with how it goes.

    • i loved that song so much in middle school and also considered it prophecy that the boy i liked was dating all of my friends first because he was saving the best for last

      (he was not)

  3. From “Dumb Dom” to “Firebug Dad”, it’s going to take me a while to get over these. You’ll find me under my desk clutching a soft blanket trying NOT to sing that Vanessa Williams song

  5. This is SO fantastic! I just lol’d in a cafe full of people… Worth joining A+ just for Straight People Watch alone!

    • I saw the link to WESH (an Orlando station) and thought, “Oh god of course it’s Florida again” but, WHEW! Ohio this time!

  9. Wow the men not brushing their teeth need some mansized Kleenex for all the tears about how not in control they are of their lives….?

  10. So as far as I can make out every aspect of straight couples lives is basically wrestling for the remote control.

  12. There will never be enough Straight People Watches, they are always such a highlight. I’m trying to hide my laughs at work and its not going well, so good job as usual!!

  16. I saw that border patrol one and was like it can’t be real. It is. I saw this one a few days ago and it

  17. Posted to early, not sure why. Maybe their new tagline could be come through my window that way they don’t sully up a lesbian classic.

  18. “Tag yourself I’m the dust bin barely hanging on.”

    I’m the baby, only 9 months old but already know how to look directly at the camera like Jim from the Office

  20. Dear “Sarah” and “Jane”,
    Please leave your Domass boyfriend and run off together, YOU ARE LITERALLY SMARTER THAN THIS.
    Sincerely,
    A Concerned Bisexual

  21. Gender reveal parties as a concept are already a total nightmare, so it’s not surprising they sometimes end in pain. Also, I googled the wildfire one and found this absolute gem in an NBC News article:

    “Dickey’s attorney did not immediately respond to a request for comment; the baby’s gender was not immediately clear.”

    THE BABY’S GENDER WAS NOT IMMEDIATELY CLEAR jfc please end my suffering

    • Like, I recognize it was tongue-in-cheek, but also we live in a hellscape from which there is no escape outside the sweet embrace of death

  22. A version of Hooters for gay men and straight women but make it aviation themed and name it Cockpit

    • There was a place like that in Dallas, it was called Tallywackers. Has 2.5 on the Yelp reviews, apparently, they ran out of fries a lot and the hot dogs were undercooked. Reviews also say it has an identity crisis as it’s not sure if it’s geared towards women or gay men as one lady said the dude working there wasn’t receptive to her advances.

  23. All the women having to “nag” their boyfriends to brush their teeth should probably just adopt a dog instead. Same terrible breath but easier to train and much less whiny.

  25. I take the man-size Kleenex as a sign of progress. The stronger women get, the bigger Kleenex men need for all their giant male tears

  26. I can’t wait for gender reveal parties to be a weird thing from the past, like those savory jelly concoctions from the fifties

  27. Just when I thought “Burn them all!”, they are already starting without me…jokes aside: poor straight people. What a strange world they live in.
    Also, to the dog in the “pregnant test/FML”-video: I feel you.

  28. “I’m wondering if she used the positive reinforcement method or just a spray bottle, because there really are so many arguments for both sides.”

    This made me laugh so much I kept scrolling back up to read it again.

    Also the teeth brushing thing is just further confirmation that men are literal children. JUST BRUSH YOUR TEETH YOU WEIRDOS.

  29. I am bi and married to a man and for most of my life thought I was straight (just sexually attracted to women… the heteronormativity of it all). But some straight women in my life were like “you got SO LUCKY with your husband” BECAUSE OF SHIT LIKE THIS. And I used to buy into the whole “I got lucky” thing, but no! I picked a partner who actually loves me and we both believe we are equal humans? That’s not a big ask? The normalization and fetishization of toxic masculinity is gross and harmful AF

    • I didn’t have the thought-I-was-straight thing but the “marry an awesome person who thinks you’re awesome back and act like you’re actual partners” thing…my parents did that…my grandparents did that…my brother and brother-in-law did that…with one exception my uncles and aunts did that…Far as I know they’re all straight. And I managed it the second time around anyway. I dunno. This column makes me laugh every time, and feel all smug ’cause gosh _I_ would never, but I think we need some term for “the subset of people, probably mostly straight but who knows, who buy into that toxic masculinity crap.” ‘Cause it’s the toxic masculinity that’s really the problem. I always enjoy reading this and I appreciate the effort Erin puts into collecting things but I wanna be mocking the right target.

      Maybe rename it, uh, Swamp Monsters? ‘Cause toxic masculinity is the swamp, see…Coming up with good titles is seldom my strong suit. :)

      • Whoops I meant to second Liz’s “you got SO LUCKY” thing. My straight female friends who’ve married guys who treat them like, you know, actual partners never say this to me. Every friend who has ever gone on (and on, and on) about how awesome my husband is has been a woman in a relationship with a dude where as far as I could tell toxic masculinity was at the root of all her complaints.

        When I worked in nursing homes with dementia units, nurses would periodically warn me that a patient was “noncompliant” and that I’d “get nothing out of them.” Then I’d go in to do my eval and have a lovely time with Mr. X or Ms. Y. At first I thought I was getting lucky, but I wasn’t. It’s just a question of what skills and what assumptions you bring to an interaction. I never made the link between those two kinds of experiences before just now so thanks Liz. :)

      • Iarran mé! I love you! And we know, “not all straight people.” But you’ve gotta let us have this one. There are bigger battles, ya know? ?

    • This. Except that no one really says I got lucky (I just used to tell myself that), they just keep pushing their toxic heterosexuality on us. Haha, I’m going to say something fucked up right out of Straight People Watch and then give you a wink and a nod and of straight woman companionship. Then I’m going to say it teasingly to your partner and expect you to gang up on him with me, because, men, right? Giggle.

  30. I started reading the first one about settling down and becoming your wife’s vlog content when the page finished loading and jumped back to the top so I misread it as “I can’t wait to settle down one day and become my wife’s dog,” and I honestly think wife and dog man would have been a much healthier relationship than whatever those two have going on.

  31. does the boy with advice for hooters know that he could just get some take-out buffalo wings and then go see a sex worker because the service he is desiring from his servers is um, exactly what many sex workers do, except for, um, a lot more than a $5 tip, because IT IS AN EXPENSIVE SERVICE

  35. I think I had that guy from the first video in class several years ago.

    And even if I didn’t, I could see 85% of the male students/graduates of OSU responding *exactly* that way to a pregnancy announcement. Approximately 5% would be genuinely excited. The rest would be pissssssed.

  36. “but when it comes to whether or not I am going to brush my teeth this morning I am completely in control.”

    I am D Y I N G from this

  38. Probably prompted by this fine journalism, Kleenex seem to have announced that they’re ditching the name Mansize (which has been around for decades in the UK) in favour of Extra Large.

    However, I can’t tell if it’s real, because it’s only the Telegraph and Daily Mail reporting on it, presumably in a bid to whip up exactly the kind of comments you’d expect.

  39. “Do you hate your pregnant girlfriend, but the camera’s watching your every move? Will no one go with you to Hooters for Nerds, and you can’t even tell your bitch wife about it? Did you accidentally cut yourself with your monogramed Straight Up A Piece Of Glass Shard groomsman’s gift, but you’re trying to play it cool in the geisha place? Try crying later when you’re alone, with Kleenex Mansize.”

    Remind me to pick up a box for my neighbours.

  40. Also I can’t wait until 17 years from now when young adults start writing “My parents’ gender reveal party kickstarted a childhood of traumatic gender expectations” thinkpieces or “What it was like growing up in a ‘Li’l Man Cave’ as a trans girl”

  41. Erin your brain has an excellent internal sound track. Also that particular “O Fortuna” video has English subtitles in so if anybody clicked on and watched it they get a real understanding of your despair so another excellent choice.

    My internal soundtrack went with the Dies Iræ bits from The Hunchback of Notre Dame superimposed upon memories of Verdi’s arrangement of it while I read that story just the once.

  42. I think the Hooters guy intended to parody Millennial stereotypes, like being entitled. It’s hard to tell on the Internet, but that post looks like it’s designed to be over the top. Why else would you propose a restaurant give away free food?

    My favorite was the story about men who don’t brush their teeth, which I’d found independently of Straight People Watch but was glad to see covered! This is one of those moments when I am so glad I am not straight. Who would put with that? Even if I was straight, I think old spinsterhood would look better.

  43. Gender reveal parties creep me out as a concept. I don’t know what I’ll do if I’m ever invited to one. Schedule a bout of food poisoning?

    • Gage the person who sent the invite before making or issuing an excuse. Like how investigative they might get about it, how offended they might actually be, what their offended SOP is.

      Once upon a time people sent invites with a request to respond in order for the host to estimate food supply et cetera for a parties and I am told one could simply reply in the negative in regards to their attendance and not FORMALLY provide a reason as to why.
      Only thing I’d idolize about the past.

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