Over the last few years, sex toy companies and stores have asked us to review their toys in exchange for, you know, their toys. Today we’re reviewing the Snail Vibe.

I won’t keep you in suspense: I hated this toy.

When I was given the opportunity to review a toy called Snail Vibe, I was stoked — I love weird sex and I love strange sex toys and cool, you’re telling me this vibrator shaped kind of like a snail is going to make me orgasm? Hell yes. Let’s go.

Well, unfortunately friends, we did not really go. I gave it my all, I swear, but this toy disappointed me.

The packaging for the Snail Vibe is cute and sleek. It comes in a zipped up hardshell case that was reminiscent of the thing I used to carry my discman around in when I was 16 (and that was a pro for me). My first impression, when I unzipped the case, was that it’s a fairly unruly toy: I’ve gotten very used to sleek and solid vibes over the years, and this one is sort of… I don’t know, my first feeling was that it had octopus energy? Like the base/shaft is very firm, but then the curly “snail” part is very bouncy, and it just seemed quite large. And like, I wasn’t sure exactly how I was going to control it when I fucked myself. But I remained hopeful and game.

I decided to bring the toy to my new date’s house because what better way to masturbate than to do so in front of a hot dyke you’re falling in love with? Fun! But it’s here where I have to lodge my first complaint. While writing this article, I decided to do some research about the intentions and goals of the creators of the Snail Vibe, because I am nothing if not deeply committed to journalism. I found the following marketing language for the toy:

Meet Snail Vibe: the vibrator created by professionals using scientifically backed research and development. These scientists, Dr. Stuart Brody & Professor Tillman Kruger, have discovered that the orgasm from a sexual act, as compared to orgasm from masturbation, produces a 400% greater prolactin level, which is responsible for sexual satisfaction, and Snail Vibe provides synchronous stimulation of the clitoris and the vagina by means of sliding movements that simulate intercourse. This combination of simultaneous vaginal penetration and clitoral stimulation produces mind-blowing dual orgasms.

And okay, I’m sorry, but this explanation really bothered me! I have to admit that by the time I read this I’d already tried out the Snail Vibe and decided it was not for me, but even if I’d enjoyed myself (which I did not), this would’ve been confusing at best and obnoxious at worst. I just don’t really get it. In this description, what exactly is the difference between “a sexual act” and “masturbation?” Are we assuming a sexual act includes another human and masturbation does not? But masturbating with/in front of my date is definitely a sexual act! Are we assuming that no one has ever figured out how to penetrate their vagina and stimulate their clit without another human before? Like what do these words even mean? I don’t know, I guess I just have some questions about the science being touted behind this toy, and it annoys me that these scientists are acting like they’ve figured everything out when I’m not sure they’ve figured anything out.

But I digress. Back to what my actual body told me about this vibrator, before I did additional research.

I did have a slightly confusing time figuring out like… where everything is supposed to go. The gist of the toy is that you can penetrate your vagina while the little swirly snail keeps contact with your clit. To be honest, now that I’m typing it, this is literally just like a slightly different version of any rabbit-style toy? So again, not super innovative in my opinion. But I really did have an open mind before it was in and against my cunt, I swear.

Alas, once I started to use the toy, I was deeply disappointed. I first tried to use it myself, but my tits were tied up, so I had trouble reaching past them to actually insert the toy into my vagina the way it’s intended to be used. I joked that the toy was designed in a fatphobic way, but I later tried to insert it again when my tits weren’t tied up, and it worked out fine, so I think that was more of a user flaw than a design flaw, in this specific instance. My hot date generously offered to help, and I accepted. I love when this person fucks me — we have literally never had bad sex — but this felt… okay, honestly I had to ask her to stop! It felt bad! Like the actual toy did not feel good inside my vagina! And the Snail Vibe’s external piece was distracting at best. It did not hit any of the parts of my body that it needed to hit, and when it did graze against my clit, I found the vibrations to be dull and ineffective. I am admittedly a size queen, so I accept that maybe some people would enjoy the girth of the toy inside them, but even if you’re not, the shape and the firmness of the shaft were not necessarily what I’d call appealing.

Because, as I said, I take my job as a journalist very seriously, I kept begrudgingly asking my date to grab the toy and try it again, because I felt bad that I wasn’t giving it a fair try. She would laugh at me because I hated it so much, oblige, and then laugh even harder when I begged her to take it out. The best part of using this toy was when I eventually let myself off the hook and tossed it on the floor and let myself orgasm all over my hot date’s fist instead.

I so rarely give a bad sex toy review, but the Snail Vibe gets a 0/10 from me. If you want a vibrator that offers internal and external stimulation, I’d stick with another rabbit-style toy or get creative and use a dildo and a Magic Wand or whichever vibe you love best. If your experience is anything like mine, it’s not gonna be this one.

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