by riese & crystal

Hello children & muffmonkeys, Riese & Crystal are here to recap 402 for you! Last time we asked if you wanted us to recap the whole season or just the Naomi & Emily parts, and you told us you want us to recap the hell out of all of Season Four. So here we are doing what you want us to do. Did your ex-girlfriend do that? Probs not, just saying.

This one was easy ’cause it was all about Naomi & Emily. I feel like that line from the Tegan & Sara song – “don’t judge a book by the size of its wrist” — finally makes sense, I think it was supposed to be the title of this episode.

The only appropriate way I can think to preface this recap is by saying OH MY GOD. If you thought you knew what was going to happen in this episode based on 401 or last week’s trailer, you were wrong. This was not a predictable story arc. If you did predict it, email me because I have some questions about the stock market.  This week’s episode can be youtube’d here.

Remember how last week’s season premiere was a massive downer and some of us lost a little bit of confidence in the writers of our favourite show? Well you’d be pleased to know that the Great Depression is over (for now), the opening scene of Ep 402 have restored our faith –

I’ve Been Looking So Long At These Pictures Of You

The Temper Trap emotes all lovely and dreamy-like while a near-naked Emily strolls around Naomi’s living room, gazing lovingly at various photos of her la-la-love Naomi, before she became corrupted by lesbian sin.

[Song: The Temper Trap – Conditions – Sweet Disposition]

She’s sharing a particular emotional moment with a childhood photo of Naomi when the postman rings twice…

Not only do the British have their school funding situation sorted (we established this last week — couches, foosball tables, drug-flushing toilets, etc), they also have postal workers that actually walk all the way up to your door and deliver the mail person-to-person rather than just throw your new records on the ground in the middle of a rainstorm for the crazy cat lady next door to steal and then use to prop open the door to her feline harem but hey-o! Look at me projecting!

Emily doesn’t notice him standing there because of his conspicuous clothing and so he takes his time ogling her rack, he clearly wants to give her another sort of package ifyaknowhatimsayingheyyouprobsdo ’cause that’s what she said.

Just Try It, It’s the Body & The Blood of Christ, Mom Gave It To Me

The postman gives Emily a plain brown package and so she takes it upstairs to where Naomi is lying in wait for some food, they probably haven’t eaten in days due to all of the teenage lesbian sex they’ve been having. We can probably assume that they haven’t left this bed for the last three months.

Naomi tells Emily to turn around while she opens the package so that once she straps it on, she can just plow it on in, ’cause who doesn’t love surprises? Assholes, that’s who.

Oh wait. NM.

Oh look! Glasses for snorkling or traveling through outer space yay!

I’ve Always Wanted to be a part of your world!

On a scale of one to ten Emily could not possibly look more ADORABLE than she does right now in those super-fly goggles. This is my new screensaver, all girls should wear these goggles ’cause they’d render serious conversations impossible, and I hate serious conversations/feelings.

Or so you’d think. Naomi tells Emily that she loves her, and that she should never forget that. Emily says “I know.” Oh also, Naomi’s crying.

Teardrops on my Guitar

This is sweet and all, but where’d Naomi go? What happened to that outspoken, sharp-tongued girl who went up against Cook for class president and threatened to fuck Katie with a great big strap-on by mistake? I realise that the writers are trying to show that the Lesbian Relationship worked wonders for Naomi’s venerability but seriously, harden up, don’t let that conformative lifestyle haircut lessen the strength of the big mean dyke raging inside.

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Dykes on a bike

Naomi and Emily are getting in some practice for Mardi Gras, cruising down the street on Emily’s orange scooter and sharing a cigarette. They’re having fun! They’re laughing! This is the Skins I love.

[Song: Skeletons – Tiny Masters of Today]

Lost & Delirious

It’s the Skins that these private school girls love too, you just know they’re looking on and imagining the riding they’re gonna be doing after hockey practice.

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Garage Band

At the Fitch’s, Emily’s dad is clearing space in the garage. He forces Emily to give him a hug which I think is the universal sign that shit is about to go down, the last time my dad gave me a hug he was just going to the metaphorical store for some cigarettes. I guess he never found the store.

Let’s Get Real Maria Full of Grace

Mrs Fitch wants to discuss Emily’s “options” for next year and we’re pretty sure she doesn’t mean Dinah vs Lilith. Emily tells her not to worry, it’s all figured out, she has already committed herself to the Parent’s Worst Nightmare Plan: going to Mexico with her lesbian lover Naomi. For all ye living in the States keep in mind these girls are not gonna get there on their scooter, this is sort of a dramatic plan, eh?

Mrs Fitch is unimpressed, she thinks Emily should study up on some university pamphlets just in case things don’t quite go to plan. Which is stupid, right – if two hot-blooded teenagers in their first girl-on-girl relationship run off to Mexico, what’s the worst that could happen? Also, where’s Katie at?

Scooter Girls

Naomi taunts Mrs Fitch with a generous compliment before they drive off in search of Muttley. Kids these days, no respect. Emily’s mum stands in the doorway looking really sad/steely, she’s probably thinking about all the drugs and group sex they’ll have in Tijuana and wishing her life was more like that instead of about hugs in the garage, etc.

[Song: Six Day Riot – Sky Father]

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Life can’t all be about scooters and biscuits in bed, Naomi and Emily have got to get to school so that they can walk the corridors holding hands and making out.

Just Like taTu Promised You It Would Be

It’s all fun until Naomi spots a police poster out of the corner of her eye announcing the desire for information from every one who has seen something to say something. I hate it when death gets in the way of lesbian makeouts, like this time:

We Have to Stop Now, Dana’s Dead

Yes it’s that girl who dived off the nightclub railing after huffing the drugs Naomi dealt her. Remember her? She was wearing a different outfit last time you saw her.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, Naomi

Well it turns out that her name was Sophia and she was a cadet. It also turns out that the bobby are back at the school and requesting to speak to Naomi and Emily specifically.

Inspector would like to know how well Naomi and Emily knew Sophia and nervous they hold hands under the desk which is sweet but probably unnecessary, they’re among friends here. Her little assistant is there. Let’s just call him James.

I Wouldn’t Go to Jail With Only Boys Just to Prove I Was As Tough as You Actually

Naomi denys knowing Sophia which is not entirely true, but she can’t say as much because Emily still doesn’t know about that whole drug thing. See the inspector heard the three girls were “quite chummy” which I think is code for “lesbian sex orgie friends.” Emily is super confused. Me too. But one thing’s cleared up: it wasn’t Columbian Marching Power as we suspected but rather MDMA aka Old Reliable, making its return from series three.

Naomi continues with the lies, claiming that they were at home with the cats long before any death happened. That contradicts Emily’s earlier statement, the truthful one where Sophia nearly tripped over them pashing on the staircase as she climbed her way up to the top just to throw herself off.

Naomi. This is not how you cover up a crime; launching into immediate contradictory statements. Next time I need someone to sell drugs for me I will not be asking her!

There’s Something So Divided

The police let them go and Emily is understandably hot on Naomi’s heels, wanting to know why she’s telling so many lies but Naomi isn’t talking.

Emily: Hey, it’s me. What’s going on?

Naomi pulls Emily into the restroom presumably to make out, I hear that’s what lesbians do in restrooms so Riese says [It’s true!]. It’s a really serious moment but Emily’s wearing those goggles so I can’t take her seriously.

Naomi: I did see her at the party. It was me who sold her the MDMA.
Emily: Since when are you dealing?
Naomi: I needed some money and I thought if I just went in on this MDMA deal –
Emily: I could have given you some money!
Naomi: It was for these…

Oh God. That’s like the worst; Naomi shouldn’t have said that. Still, it’s clear these two have a good thing going on because despite the position Naomi put her in, Emily seems open and ready to listen/forgive/care.

Naomi: I thought I could keep you safe. I’m sorry.
Emily: Who gave you the MDMA?

AND CUT TO….

I Told You to Say NO to Drugs Cook, NO, This Isn’t Like Hooking Up Where You Think No means Yes

Obvs Cook gave Naomi the drugs, Emily wants to know if he also gave her name to the police. Cook thinks Emily needs to “chillax,” which is one of my favorite/least favorite things in the world. He points out accurately that causing a scene in the middle of the hallway is not how a dude chillaxes.

Emily has a million questions, but all Naomi offers is that she doesn’t want to go to jail (surprise!) and then she snaps at Emily, who’s being perfectly lovely, asking her to “mind your own fucking business for once please.” Everyone knows women in jail have sex all the time so really it is defo Emily’s business. Also she was looking forward to tacos.

Naomi says they need to act like everything’s fine. Emily’s eyes says it’s not. She could get pissed and walk away, but she cares too much, and so she apologizes while not backing down on being confused.

This scene made me realise that Kathryn Prescott is a really good actor. Clearly I haven’t been paying attention.

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Sophia’s Choice

Emily, inspired by Nancy Drew or Harriet the Spy, is now taking her feelings to the dead girl’s house in search of answers.  But the thing about looking under rocks is that you’ve gotta be able to deal with what they turn up, like Sophia’s mum revealing that Sophia was always talking about those girls Emily and Naomi. You know, “Ems” and “Noams.” I think this means that Sophia was clearly a serious lesbian and she looked up to Naomi & Emily for being out and in love.

Sophia’s Mum: How do you know her?
“Nancy”: From College.
Sophia’s Mum: Are you in with Naomi and Emily and that crowd?
“Nancy”: I see them sometimes.
Sophia’s Mum: I thought they would have called around by now. Sophia talked about them non-stop.

The Last Picture Show

Emily has a snoop around Sophia’s bedroom and realises that Sophia liked to make those picture carousel thingies. Nancy gives it a spin and looks inside and the drawing is of TWO GIRLS KISSING.

This is intense! Emily pokes around the bookshelves where she uncovers a University pamphlet with a keyring and a letter addresses to Sophia’s brother Matt inside it.

Show Me The Key To Your Heart/Death

And then Matt busts in, looking freaky and mean:

Nancy Who Nancy Drew

Matt says he never heard about a girl named Nancy. Well, that’s Nancy for you, she is a very good mysterious girl detective.

Matt: Did you know someone gave her drugs the nigth she died?
Emily: No, I didn’t know.
Matt: Were you her girlfriend?
Emily: What? No!
Matt: You’re fucking lying to me. They say she killed herself but that’s bullocks, I know she didn’t do that.
Emily: How?
Matt: She didn’t say goodbye.

Okay you guys, we’re not even 15 minutes into this episode and now the dead girl may or may not be friends with Naomi and Emily, I DON’T KNOW. She may or may not also be gay and her death may or may not have been a suicide and not drug-induced flight. Her brother may have been a terrible bully who didn’t want her to be a lesbian. I may or may not have a headache and may or may not have just lost faith again.

Emily passes the letter to Matt — perhaps this is the suicide note he was looking for? She takes the University brochure with her, though.

[Songs: Dressed in Dresden – The hundred in the hands, Fear, fear fear – Jehn and John]

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I Never Knew ITT Tech Had So Many Options for a Girl Like Me

Emily sits down at a cafe and studies the university brochure, possibly to find out more about Sophia or possible because she anticipates that her storyline is only gonna get worst and wants to look into those “options” that her mother was talking about. That’s when she noticed this picture —

This Must be a Brochure for Sarah Lawrence

Ladies and gentleman of the jury I would like to include into evidence Exhibit F, actual photographic proof that Naomi and Sophia have been in the same place at the same time before. I labeled it for you because I didn’t actually ‘get’ that this picture was of them, Sophia’s perm threw me into thinking I was looking at 80’s stock photography.

Also is this a photo from the brochure? A photo that Sophia was storing in the brochure? If this was Law & Order, the ‘twist” music would start right about now.

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Emily runs to her mother’s place of work and is greeted by the super campy co-worker who wants to know if Emily’s upset about JJ, the dude she sympathy screwed in season three. He tells her that young boys would have sex with a snake wearing makeup, which is a horrifying image so let’s move on to the waxing room.  Emily busts in on her mother’s wax job because has questions:

Wax On, Wax Off

Emily: You told Graham that I was straight?
Mrs Fitch: He’s known you since he was a little girl!
Emily: He’s as gay as a window!
Mrs Fitch: He’s an adult, he’s earned the right to be gay. You’re too young to know what you are.
Emily: I know, mum.
Mrs Fitch: You think you know. Is there any specific reason you’ve been crying? Maybe Naomi?
Emily: No, we’re fine.
Mrs Fitch: You should go travelling, to find yourself. Won’t she just get in the way?
Emily: She’s my fucking girlfriend! You’ve got nothing to do with this.

Mrs Fitch really knows how to drive her point home, and she’s equally skilled in Bad Ideas. HOWEVER if I was getting a bikini wax and some girl busted in and furthermore left the door open, I would be upset. Though slightly comforted to know she was a lesbian.

Mrs Fitch: What if I was to give you a thousand pounds, would that change anything?
Emily: No! What, now you’re bribing me?
Mrs Fitch: Emily you’re mind! I’m just trying to help you. Naomi’s not right for you. There’s just something about her that I just don’t like.

For 1000 pounds she could probably get a LOT of MDMA! Or the Tegan & Sara deluxe set with the ink blots. Or a Real Doll to replace her girlfriend when her girlfriend goes to lockup.

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In the well-funded cafeteria, Freddy is eating chips with a fork when Effy swoops in, her second appearance this season. She has sort of been like one of those creatures in Sci-Fi movies who pop up from space like Ghosts. Maybe I am thinking of Ghost Dad starring Bill Cosby.

Hello, Stranger

They sit in silence for a long time which is fine, I’m happy to just look ’cause Freddie has really nice hair and a nice jaw and if I squint he passes for a girl, which makes this scene totally work for me. But then Freddie wants to talk.

Freddie: So how was your bath?
Effy: What bath?
Freddie: The one you popped out to take about three months ago.

ZING.

Effy: I went to Italy. How was your summer?
Freddie: Not bad. I got chlamydia.
Effy: Wow. Exotic.
Freddie: That’s what I said. Then I realised Cook got it as well and then it didn’t feel as special, if you know what you mean.
Effy: I bet it liked you more. So who gave it to who?
Freddie: We didn’t. There was an intermediary.
Effy: And you’re all clear now?
Freddie: Clear as a bell. I’m not sure about him though…

Effy’s eyeing off Freddie’s crotch but lifts her eyes just long enough to see that Freddie is pointing to Cook, who’s in the background and way jeals. She tells Freddy that it was him who she spent all summer thinking about, and Freddy doesn’t reply and so she jets. I’m not going to show you the hot pants Effy is wearing, they hurt my heart.

Would You Tell Me Tough Love Style, put Judicial Weight On Me?

Freddie just wants to eat his chips in peace but this time it’s Emily who swoops in, wanting to ask loaded questions about feelings.

Emily: Have you ever loved someone and then something happens and you wonder, perhaps you never really knew them at all?

Firstly, Angela Chase had that same exact thought AND THE SAME HAIR COLOR. They’re probs lesbian matches made in TV heaven. But anyhow, as Emily says it, she’s staring at her girlfriend who is huddled in the corner of the rec room with some [assumed by us to be] lesbians, laughing at how the Lilo/SamRo story in US Weekly is nothing like the LiLo/SamRo story they read about on the internet LOLZ. I don’t know for fact that they really are lesbians, they might just like lip piercings and plaid. They’ll transition soon enough.

Since when did Naomi get friends? The last time her sexuality was brought up she wasn’t sure she loved women, just Emily, and now all of a sudden she has a gang of lesbros and a lesbian past either documented or not in a Uni catalog.

Freddie doesn’t care though, he’s too preoccupied with watching Effy hug Cook. Hot Topic called and said you know what Effy, you make that bracelet work. You work it. It would look better removed by a gynecologist from my cervix where you accidentally left it, but moving on.

Emily: Do you trust her?
Freddie: What? No, I don’t have to.
Emily: But if you two got together, wouldn’t you be worried she might fuck Cook again?

Freddy tells Em that he’s too busy to have this conversation right now, he needs to go and punch out a few dudes ’cause that’s what Cook does and Cook gets all the ladies.

Emily decides it’s time to confront Naomi about the university brochure, but this is one of those rare moments when the kids are in class and so they take the fight out into the football field. There’s lots of wind blowing, which draws special attention to their beautiful hair and lovely skin glistening in the blustery afternoon. It’s actually visually quite a scene.

Field of Broken Dreams

Emily: Why didn’t you tell me you knew her?
Naomi: I only met her once, at an Open Day.
Emily: What Open Day?
Naomi: It was an Open Day, what does it matter?
Emily: We’re going travelling next year, we decided.
Naomi: You decided. Look, I went to an Open Day, I met a girl, we talked, that’s it.
Emily: You should have told me.
Naomi: Well how could I, without telling you where I met her? I didn’t want a referrendum on our relationship over a stupid Open Day.
Emily: Did you know she was gay?
Naomi: I met her once.
Emily: Did you fuck her?
Naomi: No! You think I’d shag some random girl behind your back?

Right now my head is exploding. Naomi can’t understand why Emily is getting all upset that she’s blatantly lied about knowing another girl who likes girls, and a dead one at that who apparently spent enough time with her that someone else was able to snap a picture of the two of them?

But also don’t you feel like you can just sense it sometimes? I don’t think people lie successfully all that often, it’s just a matter of if you’ve decided to operate at an honest level with another human or if you’ve already silently agreed to never know the whole truth about someone. Kids tend to prefer honesty; perhaps it has yet to burn them, they tread less wearily towards it.

Emily confesses that she’s been in the dead girl’s house, and Naomi gets upset like she has the right to. Emily shows Naomi the mysterious key —

Emily: You know what this is for?
Naomi: Something to do with the army. Probably her cadet locker key.
Emily: How do you even know that, Naomi?

Well, I mean, maybe congratulate Naomi for saying something other than “i don’t know” but also YEAH NAOMI, HOW?

Oooo! A Field trip!

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The two girls head over to Cadetland, which is nothing like Disneyland, to check out her cadet locker. AND OH WHAT TREASURES THEY FIND. Has anyone else already had the thought, “oh my god she bought drugs from Naomi b/c she was in love with Naomi, not ’cause she just wanted to buy drugs from someone?” ‘Cause I have and I have to say, bravo Skins, this is kind of interesting/complicated.

Where’s Tasha?

So, yeah, this is what the locker looks like (don’t worry that’s not a candle, I mean I was worried too):

I Get So Jealous, I Can’t Even Work

Ah yes. The standard Lesbian Stalker Locker. We’ve got your love poems, we’ve got your emo sketches, we’ve got a bracelet Naomi lost, Naomi’s old toothbrush which Sophie probs used to masturbate, and the wrapper of some cookies that Naomi recognizes as probably being from her rubbish. Oh, and a mysterious wooden box. I’m guessing that’s where the vial of blood & lock of hair is hiding out.

[Song: Organum – Max Richter]

My Misery’s So Addictive

They’re both genuinely shocked, muttering an assortment of ‘what the fuck’s?’ as they sort through, until Naomi is creeped out enough that she wants Emily to close the locker.

Then they hear the army coming to attack them! OMG!

Upon hearing cadets coming, they hide in a storage cupboard that also happens to be in a rehearsal room. Things start hitting home for Naomi.

Naomi: She stalked me.
Emily: You’re very stalkable.

There’s a comfy looking bag of camo nets nearby and that’s convenient, because a marching band starts rehearing outside and so it looks like they’ll be trapped in there for a while. However will they pass the time.

Oh my God this is so awesomely blasphemous, they’re gonna take it off and get busy on top of a stack of camo while army music plays. God Bless the Queen.

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The Fitches are having a dinner party and Naomi isn’t invited, but Katie’s new boyfriend is. He’s pretty much your standard-issue doucherabbit. He’s about 20% as cute as his girlfriend and is shoveling food into his mouth like it’s Spaghetti Night at Delta Sig.

Katie finally gets to do a scene with dialogue, which is unfortunate in this instance because she wants to talk about how Sam has a good job and is an upstanding member of the community. I’m still waiting for her to explain why she’s dating him.

Emily looks disgusted but Mrs Fitch is lapping it up, she thinks Sam is a “keeper” because he has a penis and thinks her cooking “off the hook.” Katie says he’s an asskisser.

La Vie en Rose

Okay, Emily’s brother is my new favorite character; he wants to know where Naomi is so he can show her his new “number.” And he doesn’t mean “personal rendition of Hey Big Spender,” though he might. Mum is unimpressed but he adds that lots of boys get curious about women’s clothing when they hit “pub (pronounced “let’s go get wasted at the pub”) – ‘er – tee.”

The “keeper” corrects him on his pronunciation but then shoots his finger and winks and it makes me like him instantly ’cause that is terrible/awesome. The gay genes are running amok in this dining room.

I Enjoyed a Good Pair of Stilletos in my Day Too, Boy

Katie thinks he’s really clever because he knows how to pronounce words, for chrissakes I was really hoping they would give her a better personality this season.

Emily: Why is he here?
Katie : He’s my new boyfriend, Emily.
Emily: [to Mrs Fitch] You said that Noami couldn’t come because this is a family dinner.
Mrs Fitch: This is a six-seater table Emily, what do you want me to do?

Besides, the dinner is supposed to be happy! A surprise celebration! Mrs Fitch’s got the loan approved for new wedding planning business, Let’s Get Fitched that no-one knew she was starting. No, not even Mr Fitch. If she told him then he might have been able to warn her a little earlier that his gym went out of business and his unemployed, which is why he was in such a hugging mood earlier. But all she cares about is where she’s not going to get the money to bribe Emily to cancel the trip to Mexico. What a Fitch.

Emily: I don’t want [your money]. Don’t you get it? I want Naomi.
Brother: I want to fuck Naomi.
MOTHER GIVES LOOK OF SHAME AND HORROR
Brother: What? I do. Get over it.
Mother: Rob did you just hear what he said
Rob: She is attractive, love.
Mother: Fuck, Rob. he said fuck. Now do you see what she’s done to our family?
Emily: I’m moving out.
Rob: Don’t be rash, love. and (brother), don’t say fuck.

Emily wants to move out, and her Mom is like FINE and she’s like FINE and we’re like FINE as in yes, you’re FINE.

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Emily’s not gonna stick around and be bribed, she’s gonna do the smart thing and MOVE IN WITH NAOMI, her drug dealing, possibly lying and potentially straying girlfriend! But not before Katie tries to stop her.

Katie: You know mum doesn’t really mean to be a total bitch.
Emily: Yes she does, and you let her.
Katie: She’s just trying to help you.
Emily: It’s all fake. This family is so fake.
Katie: I’m not fake!
Emily: Fake tan. Fake boyfriend. Fake concern.

Katie swears she really is concerned and doesn’t want Emily to move out, and ps, she spent several hours in the sun that day, so the tan is real. Also her boyfriend may seem a little fake, but also he is HUNG LIKE A HORSE! I actually didn’t expect that, he looked like he’d be small.

Emily doesn’t have time to argue though, ’cause the dead girl’s brother has shown up on her stoop.

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Matt figured out who “Nancy” really was and wanted to share the suicide note that Sophia left him, hoping to find answers to her death.

You may recognize the contents of this suicide note, they are the lyrics to the blondie song “Heart of Glass.”

Heart of Glass & Paper

Emily: She killed herself.
Matt: Was it you? Was it you she killed herself for?
Emily: No! And it wasn’t Naomi either. She didn’t know either of us, she lied about that.
Matt: She wouldn’t lie to me.
Emily: She lied to all of us. I’m sorry you feel angry at her but it’s really not my fucking problem.
Matt: I need the truth, this isn’t all of it.
Emily: No.
Matt: Emily, what are you scared of? We can help each other.

Emily, why’d you bring up Naomi? And Matt, you confuse me. How could you help each other? Is this The Sopranos? Sads.

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Hopefully this will be a lot like the Indian in the Cupboard.

We don’t know if she takes him up on the offer but when he leaves, Emily goes up to her room and pulls out the mysterious wooden box that we saw in Sophia’s locker, Emily must have gone back for it.

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At Least We Know She’s Not Talking to the Dead Girl

Emily heads over to Naomi’s with a cute backpack. She’s leaving home, bye, bye, Hey Jude! I mean Naomi! There she is on the telephone acting like someone didn’t just jump off the balcony and die. Laughing like the world is made of sunshine and ponies.

Naomi tells Emily it was her mother on the line but it’s probs one of her lesbros from the rec room, they were probs having a really important conversation about The Con.

Hi, YOU KNOW THE JOKE ABOUT THIS RIGHT

Emily: I’m moving in.
Naomi: Where?
Emily: Here.
Naomi: Isn’t that the sort of thing that people normally discuss?
Emily: I need to, okay?
Naomi: Okay.

A’ight. Naomi says it’s sort of against the rules but what the hell, fuck it, let’s put on some sombreros and make tacos and drink tequila with moustaches while listening to a Mariachi band. No really, that’s what they do. Also, let’s pull out those pinatas and put ’em to work! I wasn’t sure about their relationship before, but you gotta love a chick who’s got Cinco De Mayo at the ready.

Ale-Ale-Hahn-Droooo Alejandro

It’s so hot that Naomi literally catches on fire, actually. They take care of it though don’t worry this won’t get all Firestarter and shit.

Otherwise-Inclined Ladies

After the bottle of tequila, Naomi & Emily decide to take off the sombreros and go to a house party. But first they stand out the front listening to the sweet sounds of breaking glass and vomit, contemplating how good a house party could actually be –

Naomi: This looks kinda terrible.
Emily: Yeah.
Naomi: Fuck it! If it’s terrible then we’ll just go back to ours.
Emily: To where?
Naomi: Ours!

Awww. They give each other a really sweet look. Ours! We own things! Moment shared!

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But then we get into the party where the kids are getting crazy! Where did all these friends of Naomi come from.

My Baby’s got a Secret

Inside the party, it’s crowded and before long the lovebirds are separated by other alternatively lifestyled girls. Naomi shouts to Emily that she’ll find her later. FABULOUS.

Emily is then drawn to the solemn radiance of Thomas, who looks unimpressed per ushe, and JJ. Thomas says that it’s the worst party he’s ever been to and while it’s been established in 401 that he doesn’t like fun; JJ explains it’s mostly because Pandora is having a seizure on the dance floor and it’s making Thomas jealous.

JJ: Panda’s giving Thommo a dose of the ol’ “look at me” routine. You how it is, letting your exes know you’re out there, that other people find you attractive. That everything you thought you had together, they could do without it. That they don’t need you.

Thanks for that, JJ. Emily spots Naomi in the corner, she’s drunk and whispering in the ear of the plaid girl from the rec room, they’re both laughing and looking single.

Emily gets upset so she runs off into the bathroom to hide and ’cause she’s upset/crying and this is not a reality TV show. She gives herself a pep talk, willing herself to “let it go, let it go before you screw everything up”.

Cook comes into the bathroom whips it out and starts relieving himself in the bath tub, which is gross, Cook is gross. It’s the perfect time to have a heart to heart.

Emily: Cook, excuse me, I don’t want to see your muff.
Cook: You know it’s not too late to become overcome by desire? I can turn you…
Emily: Fuck off.
Cook: No I’m serious. It’s probably been a while since you’ve seen one of these. Not that mine is totally outstanding. What’s up?

Emily: Do you ever get jealous, Cook?
Cook: If your shag is just a shag then you’re always gonna get your heart ripped out somewhere aren’t ya.
Emily: What do you do about it?
Cook: You just burn, kid. You just burn. You just keep it on the inside.
Emily: Is that possible?
Cook: Yeah. ‘Cause you’re gonna look a bit stupid if you don’t, wouldn’t ya. Look at me love, happy.
Emily: Effy?
Cook: You don’t tell anyone my secrets and I won’t tell anyone any of yours. Or we could both go out in a blaze of glory. Dance, muff monkey?

Aw! Muffmonkey! Cook doesn’t wash his hands but Emily is apparently willing to dance with him anyway.

---

The dancing gets put on hold though because Cook sees Effy and Freddie making out and rather than talking about his feelings, writing a blog or taking a deep breath, he just punches this other dude who happens to walk by at the wrong moment.

JJ, Thomas and Pandora try to interfere, and Freddie wants to interfere but Effy stops him.

I Can’t Let Him Ruin Your Perfect Almost Lesbian-ish Good Looks

---

Emily is lying in bed. She can’t sleep. It’s too bad Naomi’s not selling ambien. Then she could fall asleep, wake up, have wild monkey sex, and wake up with strange bruises and then have a new mystery to solve.

I Lay Awake And Miss You Before You Go

Tick-tock-tick-tock. These are the moments of our lesbian lives ticking by like sand through the hourglass of time and the land and the way we were when we were young.

Emily sneaks out of bed, wearing cute little underpants, and gets her phone. Naomi is secretly awake. Emily calls someone to tell them she needs to see them and show them something. That’s what she said hahahaha I hope it’s not Cook and his muff.

---

No, Emily’s going to meet up with the creepy brother man. She’s talking to herself again, she did this earlier with the box. This is so Capricia-y isn’t it!

Step Back From The Ledge My Friend

Yes, we’re back to the “nightclub” set again. Emily stands at the railing and questions why she did it, which is when Matt shows up. A-ha! And then, also, Naomi’s there too! Party time!

Emily asks “why here?” and he says “I don’t know, this is where it ends” and it’s all a bit morbid. Emily pulls out the wooden box and confesses to taking it from Sophia’s locker.

Do You Want This to Be a Happy 2-Girls-in-Love Storyline or a Destructive-Relationship!

“Can’t we just leave it,” Noami suddenly asks. This is so serious and intense and creepy too.

She wants to know why they can’t leave Sophia’s death alone, and Emily says they just can’t. It’s hard to leave death alone, I think, it has a way of seeking you out… anyhow… Matt runs up to the roof with the wooden box and Emily follows, with Naomi chasing after her pleading that she just forget about it and come home. Way to act unsuspicious, Naomi.

I’m confused I thought it was nighttime [R: Sunrise, Crystal!]

Matt & Emily are on the building’s ledge. Matt’s holding the box, wearily, and Emily just looks generally wind-beaten and hopeful/terrified.

Naomi sees the box & braces herself.

It’s a sketch book. It’s actually beautiful, like Emily might be thinking, She was a good artist and now she’s dead, and then also now suddenly Sophia is real because she made it.

The sketch book will contain the real story or whatever the fuck is going on here.

Don’t Judge a Book By The Size of Its Wrist

And that’s what it is — the complete & total story.

It’s the story about a girl on a train felt alone. She went to an Open Day and she was scared there because she was scared to talk to people. Then she met a blonde girl who says “hi” very open-like. It’s Naomi. She wants Naomi to touch her hand and wants to touch Naomi’s hand. She tells Naomi that she feels so trapped. Naomi said she feels so trapped too, and that she had to tell a lie to go there today. They laugh and go to Naomi’s house. That’s when you pretty much figure out exactly what happened, even though the rest isn’t in the book; Naomi has a girlfriend, Sophia learned that, Sophia was told it was a one-time thing, Naomi went back to Emily like nothing happened, it was Sophia’s first lesbian experience, she got obsessed, she was in love, Naomi wouldn’t even talk to her, she made a shrine, she invented a fantasy life about her relationship with Naomi and her friend Emily and told it to people until it felt true, and then one day at a party she went there thinking She would be there and She was and She had something to sell, and ’cause you’d take anything from her anything at all (clearly), Sophia bought it and took it and then SHE was there making out with Emily and then Sophia was fucked and fucked up so she decided no thanks, I’d rather be dead.

You can see the sketch book story board, Love On A Train, right here. It’s worth it.

Naomi is crying and saying that she’s sorry, she’s tore open more or less. She says she’s sorry in that way that you say you’re sorry thinking that if maybe you just say it loud enough or maybe at the right moment you could take it back.

Matt throws the box and the sketch book off the roof and leaves Emily and Naomi up on the roof with their feelings.

All I Said To You, All I Did For You, Seems So Silly To Me Now

Emily: You’ve ruined it. You don’t want anyone to care. [gets up on the ledge]

Emily: I could be dead in a second. Everything is so fragile. Didn’t you realise that? We were special.

Is she fragile? Is love fragile? Is our ability to cope with them not having any more sex scenes fragile? Oh, I think everything is fragile. Like she said.

Naomi [devastated, aching]: I was scared.
Emily [devastated, resolute] : You’re always scared.

][check out skinsftw.tumblr.com]

[Dinosaur Jr: Said the People]

Emily leaves Naomi on the roof and goes home to her family.

---

Shelter from the Storm

Her Dad, who I sort of love a little, holds her while she cries. She tells him that Naomi cheated on her. We expect him to tell her to fuck that girl, but instead he tells her that when he was 19, he cheated on her Mom with her Mom’s sister and he did it because he felt trapped.

I think that’s the rub here; it’s a totally unforgivable act, but who among us cannot understand exactly how she felt and why she did what she did, whether we ourselves would have succumbed to it or not.

Mr Fitch: People do stupid things when they’re trapped to act like they’re not trapped.
Emily: Was it ever the same again?
Mr Fitch: It was worse. And then it was okay. And then it got better. And then we got you and we got all the things we love.
Emily: Did she hate herself for taking you back?
Mr Fitch: Hate herself? What for? She didn’t do anything wrong. She hated me though, for a very very very long time. Your mum’s tough though.
Emily: I’m not like her, Dad.
Mr Fitch: That’s okay too.

This is such an unexpectedly beautiful moment. It’s like they’re both vulnerable and they both have feelings and AW JEEZZZ WOMEN!

---

Emo music sings the [whatever season] of Emily’s discontent as she goes to Naomi’s.

Is she going there to forgive her? Naomi has left her a note on the front door of her apartment that says “I’ll do anything”. She drew a picture too! She must have learned that from Sophia. Oh sorry. Is it to soon? It’s too soon.

In the Door And You’re There and You’re Sorry for the Fight

It’s sweet but isn’t it also weird? I feel like maybe the more obvious place would have been to put it on Emily’s door, since after being cheated you would presume that the chance of Emily returning to Naomi’s house any time soon is quite low. So it makes me think maybe Emily is there to pick something up, not to apologise.

She starts walking away but then stops to when she sees Naomi.

Who is looking down at her.

And then she goes inside.

The Fucking End.

Crystal: Hey you know what tiger? I don’t know where to write this but: I’m finding myself less and less invested in Naomi and Emily’s relationship. I think it’s because they really only figured things out in the last episode of the last season. Now they’re back three months later and we haven’t seen their relationship as a couple develop on screen at all and now I’m meant to be invested in them? I feel like I should be shocked and saddened that Naomi cheated and ruined everything and I’m just not. I just kinda shrugged.

Riese: But look at how blue the sky is! Do human beings ever realize life as they’re living it? every every moment? Crystal I HAVE TEARS IN MY EYES!!! Real tears! Okay. Normally, I do really hate it when we pick a series back up and we’re suddenly supposed to believe in this relationship that we haven’t seen develop, like it’s lazy writing or cheating. But, one thing I’ve noticed from the get-go this season is that somehow, for some reason, I do believe that something special has blossomed between them in the interim. That’s one of my favorite things about this episode actually, is how believable it was. That last scene felt really real to me, like I could feel it in my bones. I’m serious. I hope they work this shit out ’cause my heart hurts!

Crystal: Yeah you’re right, it is believable, I mean the reason we started recapping this show last season is because it is a believable lesbain relationship on the tv. So far I’ve believed in Emily and Naomi’s feelings for each other, and I definitely believed their pain in this episode – like my heart totally sunk into my gut in that moment on the roof when Naomi realised that her secret was about to be revealed and there was nothing she could do to stop it. But that was out of sympathy, not out of fear that this is game over for ‘Naomily’. I really enjoyed watching Naomi and Emily’s relationship develop in the last season, but now this season has started and the thought of them breaking up doesn’t phase me at all. Part of me wants Emily to not take Naomi back, to go out and play the field a little. Like with Effy, for example.

Riese: I haven’t figured out yet WHY I believe in it though; I think maybe the actors/writers are just really good at subtext, ’cause for real there hasn’t been that much text. That being said, I feel like the opportunity to take cute makeout screenshots of Naomi & Emily for tumblr would be more likely to arise if they get back together.

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