by riese & crystal
[feature graphic photo via fuckyeahnaomily] Hello! It’s time to recap episode 404 of Skins, “The One Where Ross Gets a New Monkey.” JK! It’s actually called “Katie Fucking Fitch.”
If you’re new, here’s the deal: Crystal (Australia-based music editor) recapped just the lesbian parts of Season Three in 2009. So by popular demand, for Season Four she is recapping the entire show, along with Riese (NYC-based Editor-in-Chief, former L Word Online recapper).
In conclusion, the Internet is magic, and someone gave birth to two very beautiful ladies. Here they are:
404 Katie Fucking Fitch
Balconette Bra Product Placement
The previews for 404 shown last week had every Skins fan fueling the excitement by tweeting/emailing/exclaiming “I’m Katie Fucking Fitch!” at every possible opportunity. With so much anticipation in the air for a crackin’ episode, I think opening the show on Katie Fucking Fitch’s rack was really the only way they could have met my expectations.
This is my “One Night in Sarah Palin” Look
Katie’s decked out in First-Lady-meets-Tarzan-meets-Austin-Powers hot pink leopard print power suit and pearls. This’ll be her first day at “Let’s Get Fitched,” Mrs. Fitch’s brand-new wedding planning business. Just like the Jennifer Lopez film The Wedding Planner. You follow?
As you may or may not recall, Mr. Fitch’s gym, Getting FITched, was foreclosed by the bank, so they clearly needed a new business to incorporate their last name into. Hopefully no-one will be confused and be ready for the gym and then end up getting married. That happens to straight people you know. Before they know it they have babies and sweatpants and joint tax returns.
To Be Honest This Logo Looks Gayer Than Your Daughter
Mrs. Fitch is taking this small business owner role seriously, you can tell by the Clip Art logo. She’s probably been taking computer classes at the community college. You know, “computer classes.”
Otherwise Known as The Lat Press
Out in the Fitch family garage, Mr. Fitch is working on his moneymaker — NO NOT THAT KIND PERVS —Â with the help of Katie’s little cross-dressing brother James and Katie’s finger-shooting boyfriend Sam. Mr. Fitch proudly introduces “the HyperFitch, a full body workout in just 5 minutes!”
Mrs. Fitch and Katie look skeptical because they undervalue the power of the man who once said, “You’re not going to get taught pecs & abs without reps reps reps!” Mrs. Fitch wants him to make a different kind of machine — a money-making machine! Get it? ‘Cause they don’t have any money? Hahaha! Also someone already made a moneymaking machine and I think they got a patent.
Mrs. Fitch sticks another boot in by announcing that they’re going to work ’cause “someone has to.” Mr. Fitch ensures the employment of another bedside nurse by dropping the machine on James’ legs.
Is It Because You’re Such a Frigid Bitch, Mom? Is It?
Katie can sense the tension between her mother and father and tries to figure out what’s going on. Her mother is dismissive, saying that there is nothing to worry about even though the look in her eye says, “yes there is.”
My Super Sweet 16,000,000 Wedding
The ladies meet Brandy at her dress fitting, where Brandy’s coming all over herself thinking how her football-playing boyfriend ‘Dean’ is gonna come in his pants when he sees her. That’s not how babies are made kids, there’s gotta be contact.
Speaking of gross, in swans the Mother of the Bride, Vivian, fresh out of her colonic appointment. She wants Posh-n-Becks-esque ceremony coverage in OK Magazine, but unless her daughter has banged Katie Price or Tiger Woods, it ain’t gonna happen. Vivian doesn’t like that answer, so Mrs. Fitch backtracks and says they’re working on it.
I Will Gut You Like a Fish!
The Mother of the Bride also wants Mrs. Fitch to order a gaggle of swans, 100 doves and a trained owl that she ordered, you know, to bear the ring. The theme is “Noah’s Ark” which COINCIDENTALLY happened b/c humans were asshats and G-d wanted to kill them all. Just saying!
I bet Brandy’s name is really spelled Brandi. That’s how I’m spelling it now. Vivian condescendingly explains that she’s giving Brandi the wedding of her dreams because that’s what any real mother would do, ‘cept those with homo daughters, they’ll have to settle for commitment ceremonies.
Brandi must have really weird dreams. Like this?
Katie’s gonna leave the game birds to her mother while she runs off to organsie Brandi’s hen party, themed ‘Sluts & Studs’. Giving the irresponsible teenager the responsibility of organising a night of debauchery is a really good idea, what could go wrong?
Unplanned Parenthood
Before Katie can hit the stables, she needs to meet Sam at the health clinic to confirm that she’s not knocked up. It’s the UK and not the USA, and so the waiting room is empty and furnished and the doctor is nice.
The Good News is, Hot Flashes Made it to last year’s Autostraddle Hot 100
The doctor confirms that Katie’s not up the duff, and actually she never will be ’cause she’s going through “premature menopause.” This means:
i) she can never conceive, good thing she’s got a lesbian twin who can have a baby for her instead.
ii) she’s finally got an excuse for being a moody bitch and dressing like she’s 50. Poor Katie, this is intense. Good thing she has a lesbian twin.
[Dear Riese, what the fuck is with the music in this episode? It sounds like dream sequence music?]
[Dear Crystal, I know I thought maybe it was going along with the “fairy tale” theme but then I realize my mind is still with Taylor Swift, not in this episode. There is no fairy tale theme, maybe there was a sale on windchimes].
This is my No More Condoms Dance
Sam responds to the “I’m not preggers” sitch by doing a weird dance.
Katie: You can pretty much fuck off now… You’re dumped. Fuck off!
When Sam realises that Katie actually means it, he freaks ’cause let’s face it, dating Katie was punching a bit above his weight. He kicks a metal pole, hurts his toe, and collapses in the fetal position. The exact position that no-one will ever be in within Katie’s little stomach.
Somewhere Out There
Katie sits in front of a green screen and calls Emily, who’s probs busy having makeup sex with Naomi (FINGERS CROSSED).
I’m sort of surprised that Katie’s holding her shit together.
This Could be the Opening to a Debt Relief Commercial
Back at home, Katie’s Mum is having a row on the phone with a dude who says The Fitches are bankrupt and she should have received notices about this. Mrs. Fitch ‘turns the house upside down and eventually has the spider sense to flip up a couch pillow, where she discovers a whole lot of repossession threats/notices stashed away in a drawer like they’re not true.
Feel Like You’re Losing Control? Have Nightmares?
She exclaims “arsehole!” and starts hyperventilating, which seems like a fair reaction considering.
Mr. Fitch’s ears must’ve been burning, ’cause at that very moment he walks straight into the lair with James, who has just returned from the hospital. Lucky they live in a magical land of affordable healthcare otherwise that cast would have cost a million dollars and there would be no cash left for ice cream.
James: Mum, the nurse says that I have an unusual fascination with the female anatomy and that I should consider a career as a gyna… gyna… gynnnaaa… what’s the word, Dad?
Mr Fitch: Gynecologist.
Mrs Fitch: Something you want to tell me, Rob?
I Went So Crazy I Didn’t Know What to Do
Mr. Fitch realises he’s been caught and um… runs away! Mrs. Fitch runs after him and beats up on him, this reminds me of what happened to Marissa Cooper’s family on The OC. I am sorta stressed out for them. She yells, “We are so finished! Consider yourself divorced!”
James: What’s happening?
Katie: You’ll be alright. Everything’s going to be fine.
Love Pull Your Sore Ribs In
The look on Katie’s face says that she doesn’t really believe her own words. She gets that from her mother.
The Coop Would Be Proud
Katie’s had enough of her broken home, it’s time to dress up like someone who breaks homes. She’s gone out all vixenish with fishnet stockings & hoop earrings. Goodbye Mrs. Sandra Dee! The sensibility of this morning’s look is out the window! “Save me From Myself” by Christina Aguilera is playing. No joke, this is also what I listen to when dressing up to go be self-destructive! Me and Katie have so much in common.
On her way out of the house Katie notices her mother screaming down the phone line at Mr. Fitch, threatening to burn his Gym Of The Year certificate.
Katie: Is dad coming back?
Mrs Fitch: We’ll talk about it later. You need to do a good job for me tonight, okay? We’ve got a lot riding on this wedding now sweetheart, let me look at you…
This feels oddly like American Pimp. Anyhow, Mrs Fitch checks to see that Katie is dressed slutty enough for the Sluts & Studs party and yup, she gets the green light.
UM IS ANYONE GONNA CALL EMILY? ANYONE? ANYONE WANT TO CALL UP THE OTHER DAUGHTER? DOES THIS SEEM WEIRD TO ANYONE ELSE?
BFFE = Best Friend Forever Egg
It’s ladies night and the feeling is right, but not the dress code. A blonde WAG army have overruled Katie’s Sluts & Studs theme and are all wearing football jerseys with their boyfriends’ names on the back. How Heteronormative! What does the “E” stand for? Is there anything more than forever?
Brandi’s “BFFE” apologises to Katie, she didn’t organise Katie’s jersey because she didn’t know which boy’s name to put on the back. The BFFE speaks entirely in acronyms like Riese jk sorta no really wtf let’s use words. She’s giving Katie a lot of ‘tude because she now dates Katie’s ex-boyfriend Danny, the skeezy footballer we met in season three. Remember?
If There Was a Shore Like Jersey in the UK, This Guy Could Be In That Show
BFFE: Danny’s told me about you. Didn’t you have bigger tits? They’re like Danny’s favourite thing ever.
Katie: He never complained.
BFFE: Not to your face.
Brandi: So have you got a new man, then?
The situation is diffused by the Mother of the Bride, who reminds Brandi that Katie is getting paid to ‘work’ and not to socialise.
If Someone Bombed this Room, The Only Person I’d Miss Would Be Katie
During the speeches, Mother gives a string of backhanded compliments and also calls Brandi both “arousing” and “brandi-licious” which is weird. She also reveals that Brandi is pregnant. Ouch. Everyone’s highly fertile except for Katie.
Where are the studs at this party, I was hoping for drag kings. Is this a strip club? Katie grabs a bottle of champagne and takes it into the bathroom, which’s exactly what I’d do. In walks Brandi, she also fancies a drink.
Who Cares About Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, My Kid is Destined to be Annoying Regardless
Brandi: Ohhh I’ll have some of that.
Katie: You do know you’re not supposed to drink while you’re pregnant.
Brandi: Don’t care, and I don’t think you can talk to me like that.
Katie: I’ll do what I want.
Here’s the Stud!
Katie storms out of the bathroom — SURPRISE! Effy & Freddie are there canoodling, probs celebrating their new Cook-free lifestyle. Katie’s confused about why they’re there and also pissed ’cause Effy kinda stole Freddy from her. Effy’s all about moving on though, which I guess is sorta easier if you’re not the one who had your skull bashed in with a rock.
Effy: Have a drink with us.
Katie: Is that a joke?
Effy: Katie..
Katie: You haven’t changed, I can see right through you.
Effy: Likewise. Are you ever going to let that smile falter?
Katie: Only when yours does.
I feel like these two girls understand each other, I hope they work it out and become BFFEs.
Next Time Go to Chuckie Cheeses, Bitch
Speaking of besties, Brandi’s has run out of fags and suggests to Katie, aka “sweetheart,” that it’s her job to scamper off and buy her some more.
Katie: One, I’m not your maid. Two, I don’t work for you and so you’ll have to get your own fags, sweetheart.
Urm, but you are her employee. Katie! Desperate times/desperate measures! Get the cigs! Or…
Surprise It’s a Blow Job!
The BFFE shoves Katie right into Freddie’s crotch and Brandi, who we’ve learned is well versed on people cumming, yells out something clever about spitting or swallowing. Katie follows them onto the dance floor and trips the the BFFE up.
BFFE: Who the fuck are you?
Katie punches her out and gets in her face, saying “I’m Katie Fucking Fitch. Who the fuck are you?”
Security throws Katie out of the club, but not before the Mother of the Bride tells Katie “you and your useless mother are fired.” Oh dear, there goes the paycheck. When Mrs Fitch finds out, Katie fucking Fitch is gonna be pretty fucking fucked.
Waterworld
Effy finds Katie sitting on the dock of the bay, so she sits down beside her and offers her a smoke.
Katie: I don’t smoke.
Effy: What are you scared of?
Katie: Err, cancer.
Megan Prescott has exceptional delivery.
Effy’s too hardcore to worry over cancer, she used to sleep with a con and is pulling off a headband. Katie says “fuck it,” and takes a drag. Effy teaches her how to inhale, it’s sexy.
That’s a good friend, someone who’ll hold your hand and teach you how to abuse substances when you’re having a really fucked up day. I hope Effy teaches her how to do blow backs later and they make out.
I Think They’re a Perfect Size
Katie: Why are you being nice to me?
Effy: Life’s too short.
Katie: You’re such a fucking cliché. So what’s it like?
Effy: What’s what like?
Katie: Love.
Effy: Great. It’s really lovely.
Katie: That sounded convincing.
Effy: It’s fine, nothing is ever perfect, you know?
Katie: I thought it could be. I wanted the perfect boyfriend, the perfect marriage, the perfect everything.
Effy: What’s changed?
Katie: Me.
I’m sure Katie’s not just talking about her ovaries changing, her whole life has changed in just one day. I love that Effy doesn’t argue that she’s a cliché, she’s owns it.
Katie: I don’t know who I am anymore.
Effy: I thought you were Katie fucking Fitch.
