Q:
I’ve recently bumped into my very first love on the street. We had a really messy affair/friendship/love story when we were teenagers. She always had a boyfriend and we never spoke about our feelings. We also lived together abroad for a year. We had a massive fallout in our early 20s and never spoke to each other again, even though we have one shared best friend.
She was my very first love, the first person I slept with, and she’s always somehow been on my mind. I was convinced that for her, it was “just” sex. Fast forward 10 years, we’re in our 30s, I’m happily married to my wife and life is good. As mentioned, we bumped into each other on the street, and we met up a week later. It was so amazing to see her again, as there was always a massive gap that she had left. I told her I always wanted her in my life but didn’t know how. She told me she was in love with me (what?!) and always missed me, too. We decided to meet again but give it some time to settle.
I’ve done a lot of processing, but I am super confused. I don’t know what feelings are memories from the past and what is today. I don’t know how/if she can be in my life. One of the main reasons I never reached out was out of fear of falling in love again. I can’t imagine how we would become friends but I also can’t stand the fact of not having her in my life at all. I feel like I am trying to solve a puzzle and one piece doesn’t fit.
Any advice is welcome!
A:
It sounds like you’re going through an…emotionally significant event. Love casts the highest highs and lowest lows to anyone caught in it. I can gather that you’re experiencing it from two people and one of those situations is beyond easy reckoning.
Just to cut to the end of it, I think that the puzzle you’re trying to ‘solve’ is finding a place for your ex in this life. In my eyes, it’s not a puzzle where a piece is missing, but one where your tableau is already full and your ex is the newest piece. But you have a significant other of the most significant kind, and that space is full.
The dreadful truth is that if you weren’t married, you could easily restart the relationship with your ex and see where it goes. I can’t vouch for how it would go, but there’s a world where it could happen.
However, you’re living in the present day with your wife. You didn’t mention your marriage being poly or open, so I have to assume that your ex is off-limits. Even most poly people would have a hard time sharing their partner with an ex who professed their love without a serious conversation.
I think it’s a worrying sign for your marriage that after her confession of love, your response was to find ways to include her in your life. That suggests that you’re not fully detached from this ex (I think you know this). When we’re not properly detached from our exes, forming a connection with them is very likely to threaten new relationships. Of the exes I stayed friends with into my current relationship, I was still emotionally attached to one. The strain she put on my partner was palpable. In the first year of our relationship, my ex still held a special place in my mind that strained my new girlfriend. Every platonic visit to see her added stress for my girlfriend. Mentioning her could raise tension in our relationship, and I was not adequately focused on my current relationship.
That became a point of contention during our first year together. I can’t imagine how it might affect a marriage with its attached vows and commitments.
When you describe your ex, I empathize. She seemed to bring similar qualities to your life that mine did to mine. Emotional intensity. Irreplaceable sexual memories. A rough and sudden end. Lingering memories of that intensity that perhaps hasn’t been matched since. I know the feeling, but I think you’re experiencing it more intensely than I ever have. That’s a difficult position to be in.
What I’m going to tell you is:
I think that this ex left an incredibly strong chain of emotional memories on you that’s still present. There’s nothing wrong with having or even holding onto those memories, but they should be held with great care.
By professing her love to you, she’s placed you in a difficult position. One that has pushed many ‘what-ifs’ to the forefront of your mind. ‘What-ifs’ that would jeopardize your marriage if you ever pursued them to your heart’s desire.
I don’t believe in thoughtcrime when it comes to cheating, but the remaining love you have for your ex (platonic or otherwise) is a threat to your marriage. It’s something that either needs to be addressed with your wife or resolved in your mind.
I think you’d benefit from some sit-down time to think about whether this ex can be a viable friend to you without any romantic desires impacting your marriage.
When doing so, here are some thinking points:
- A lot can happen in a decade. Is your ex still her past self, or are you attached to the vision of her from all those years ago?
- If she is the same person she was in her teens, is that a good thing?
- What ideals and virtues did you attach to your ex that may have been clouded by the intensity of your memories?
- Do you need the emotional heights and ‘messiness’ she stirs in you at your current stage in life?
- What does your wife represent to you in life, and how does that match up to your ex?
- What are you truly, truly seeking from your ex if you decide to meet up again?
- And what would your wife think if she knew?
Again, I definitely don’t believe in thoughtcrime, which is why I encourage answering these kinds of difficult questions and following the hypotheticals thoroughly in your mind. But I do believe in directness. And to be direct: You’re not alone in this feeling. Running into an ex from our stormy past who injects delicious chaos into our lives happens all the time. It’s almost cliche. So many people have started cheating because they followed their feelings, and it’s led to outcomes as colorful as the rainbow itself. Sometimes, the ex was the ‘right’ person and ending a marriage was the best call. Others end up emotionally desolate and ruined by the adventure. Nobody knows for sure, and that can be part of the allure.
You’ve got a happy marriage, and disruption is knocking at its door. How you handle it will forever be your decision, but this puzzle isn’t about a missing piece. It’s about which piece needs to be set aside during the next step of your life.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Comments
Friend, I’m mad for you. This woman couldn’t find one way to reach out to you to say she was still in love in the 10 years you’ve been apart? No Facebook, no mutuals, a Missed Connections in the local free weekly in your town? Nothing?
She only tells you when she sees you happy and settled in the state of Holy Matrimony? That is some high-test manipulative horseshit.
Block her number, tell your wife, and don’t get dragged into the pit of drama this promises to occasion. NO. You cannot be her friend.
Yupppppp!
Summer, I swear we all need you as a friend to ask for advice. Your replies always sound so mature and gentle and kind.
Re the question itself: oof yeah this is a real tricky one. Everybody involved needs some therapy and probably did before this happened too…
I’m inclined to agree with the first commenter (why didn’t she get in touch earlier, this sounds manipulative)… Except that I’m about to re-enter some people’s lives online, hoping they’ll accept the real me, having been basically radio silent for a decade. But I’m not dropping mentions of love… That does sound manipulative, or at least not cool. We also have a tendency to selectively remember things, which is why I love the list Summer made of things to consider: a gentle way to remind yourself to not overly romanticize the past.
Good luck, sis.
Aw that’s such a lovely thing to say, Ryle. Thanks so much!
Dear letter writer,
First I want to acknowledge that first loves have a special place in many people’s hearts, that living abroad together for a year really can really bind one together for an extensive period (much longer than that year), and that having had sex for the first time with this person makes an impact. It sounds very emotional and it is totally understandable that you are confused.
I believe one can have a lot of emotions when it comes to an ex who was important. There are many old feelings from way back then mixed together with feelings who you are now, because you today are not the same person you were ten years ago. Your ex doesn’t know the you of today – who you are today. And you don’t know the ex of today. You know versions of one another that have changed a lot in a decade.
This is why I sincerely believe that your ex cannot be in love with you, because she doesn’t know the you of today. If I understand you correctly, you saw each other twice for the first time in ten years. So much has happened in both of your lives, and you both have changed. I can understand that the has deep feelings about you, and that she missed you, but these are remainders of a past that is no longer her and you as of today. It might be the case that some are her projections. If an ex remains this special person after such a long time, I am sure this is because they are a special person for them and also because the mind can make a person of the past special because it is easier in the past and no every-day-problems cause conflict, as in a current relationship that has to deal with every-day-life challenges. Sometimes, an important person of the past can become more an idea as an actual person out of flesh and blood. So I’d ask you to be cautious.
I assume you know and love of your wife for who she is today, and that the same is true vice versa. You said that you are happily married and life is good. You both have built a life and you share a life, known each other and grown together for some time in the recent years. You both have done the work. Your ex did not do the work, she came out of nowhere with a love confession. She has no idea who you currently are, if you both are compatible, and if you would last more than two weeks. The same is true vice versa.
You said that you can’t stand the fact that your ex might not be in your life at all. Here a few thoughts on that. I believe your ex can remain a special person for you in your heart without you having to be in contact with her and risking your happy marriage over it. There are many ways you could still feel connected to her without being in real contact that might be a risk to your marriage. It is possible to write letters that you never send off (letters that you put all your feelings into – what you’re grateful for, what you are mad about, what you never want to forget etc.). Or make a photo album that reminds you of your times together. There are numerous rituals for people to stay in connection with someone of their past without actually talking or meeting and engaging in the present. Personally, I found these kinds of rituals very helpful with people in my life who I love dearly but with whom I cannot be in contact for my own well-being.
I get the missing piece of the puzzle, as I have looked for puzzle pieces myself for many years and decades. In addition to what Summer said (that your tableau is already full), I’d add that there is a line between looking for a puzzle piece and straining or ruining present happiness (your own and your wife’s) over something that ended a long time ago and probably for a good reason. Sometimes, I have people seen engaged in self-sabotaging behavior, leaving something solid and happy and good for a fleeting idea and making themselves and others unhappy in the process.
Obviously I don’t know you nor your wife nor your ex and am merely a stranger on the internet, but I just want to say: be careful. You said you never reached out to her out of fear of falling in love again. Do you still feel like you could fall in love with her? Would want to? Would you like to give the two of you another chance, do a “what-if”? If your replies are “yes” or “maybe,” it most likely will put a strain on your marriage and it could end it. It could burn down the house that you and your wife have built together (metaphorically).
Have you spoken to your wife? How does she feel about it?
You could have an honest conversation, see where she is at/what her feelings and thoughts are, and give her a veto right for any moment regarding your ex – if that feels comfortable to you.
Also, I don’t really understand your ex, coming out of the blue with saying that she is in love with you knowing that you are married (!). To echo the other commenters, this sounds manipulative, and in my opinion, it is not okay.
It is okay to have feelings! All sorts of feelings! But why would she dump these on you after all this time and without a serious conversation, as Summer said… while knowing you are in a committed relationship?! My point is, having a feeling and acting upon it are a completely different set of shoes and only because one has feelings doesn’t mean one has to act accordingly. So that is a red flag to me.
Whatever you decide, good luck!
Summer, I loved your response, it was smart, kind, honest and real.
Always a pleasure <3
Can you stand the fact of not being married to your wife anymore?
Because make no mistake, if you continue down this road with your ex, that’s what’s going to happen.
OP,
Have you thought that the one piece that doesn’t fit might not be her — but you?
One important thing to remember is that obsessions and feelings are often need-based. So, before taking any steps, I’d suggest taking some time to reflect on what needs your ex represents for you that you are missing from your marriage. Then, I’d suggest talking with your wife about steps you two can (or can’t) take together to meet those needs. Your wife, of course, won’t be able to meet all of your needs. There are some you will need to figure out how to meet yourself, but there might just be ways she can help you meet some of the needs your ex represents for you.
In my experience, a lot of times what we romanticize about a past relationship is not the relationship we had with that person / who that person was, but the stage of our life. You lived abroad. What did you feel from that? How much of it came from your ex and how much was environmental? How do you feel now? What would you change about now? How much of it can you change? Consider it. Then, go talk to your wife!
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Talk to your wife immediately. She might not want to be in a situation like this, so she deserves to know what’s going on.