Until about two hours ago, I thought this was the most ridiculous L Word related item of the day:

Then I saw “Who Killed Jenny?” a hot ten-minute show squeezed onto Showtime’s Thursday night schedule between two shows that, unlike The L Word, actually got nominated for awards this year.

But before I get to WKJ, anyone who can guess what kind of Femblossom Kit’s riding between Alice’s ass and Bette’s lower back wins a gentle nudge up the butt. You know, like the one Helena’s getting in that graphic. That being said, I could stare at Leisha Hailey’s jaw-line alllll day.

OMG! Did you see that super awesome 10-minute special about Who Killed Jenny? It’s TOTALLY moments like these that make me think about the fragility of life! Or at least it’s supposed to, according to Creepy Voiceover Man. Question. What happened to creepy voiceover WOMAN? (“For five seasons, we followed their loves and witnessed their loss …”) (OUR loss, actually, by the way) Did she die too? Was it SARS? I thought this was a womyn-loving-womyn show. Actually. JK. I have no idea wtf this show is.

I better recap this excellent slice of television STAT before AfterEllen wakes up.

The most telling part of this whole she-bang is the ominous “Jenny Schecter 2002-2008” graphic that concludes the program. Not only does it imply that Mia looks hella old for a 6-year-old, it also serves to remind us that life begins and ends in the hands of our Creator, the Lord Above, Her Majesty Chief Protection Community Coordinator Princess of the Lesbian Universe of All Peoples. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

Because you are G-d, Ilene, and Jenny is one of your little creations, she did not exist before you took a rib out of every homosexual Showtime subscriber in the universe, shoved it up your ass, took it out, made it pretty, adorned it in ripped fishnets and Converse shoes, mussed up its hair and declared, “let us make woman in my image, after my likeness, and let her have dominion over all the manatees in the aquarium, and over the DirectTV dishes in the air, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth … and Ilene saw everything that she had made and, behold, it was very good.”
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The opening voiceover makes me wish I was the one getting murdered. And then you’d all have to guess who killed me. The way things are going, I’d put my money on Ilene or my mother. Anyhow, all bets are off … because everyone is a suspect.

It is moments like this that remind us of the fragility of life [span of Ilene’s teevee characters]
… that force reflection [e.g., Why do we watch this show again?]
… upon the person lost [and how silly it is that she IS “being lost.” Besides, Jenny & her entrails already played the LOST game in Season One. If I wanted to watch things getting lost, I’d watch that show LOST.]
Who was Jenny Schecter?
We knew her as so many things [because on this show, personalities change like the seasons. Although … the seasons themselves actually never change. I want Christmas! I want a Christmas Special! Papi carves the turkey!]
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She was a wide eyed ingenue who came to L.A.. in search of a dream [the carnival]
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… like many curiosity propelled her [graphic of Tim propelling his dick into Jenny.]
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… and discovery shaped her [actually, Marina’s tongue shaped her, it’d appear.]
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… she fought her own darkness and rose to great heights [of ridiculousness]
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… the girl next door became so much more [It’s not literal, Ilene. You know that right? It doesn’t literally mean “the girl who lives next door”] …

… she was not perfect but
perhaps in death
her sins will be forgiven.
[Dream on, IC. Jjust don’t go to L.A. in search of that dream, it’s way cheaper to shoot in Vancouver].
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Every time Shane opens her mouth, I want to kiss her on the face. Same goes for Alice, Tasha, Helena, and many others. I keep getting older, but The L Word girls stay the same age.

Kate says this season is the weakest she’s ever seen Shane — she’s cut out The Drink, limited her caloric intake to Jenny’s lip gloss, and now can barely hold her head up. She’s had to stop borrowing Kurt Cobain’s flannels and hit up little Frances Bean instead. But srsly — Shane being whipped by Jenny? Interesting. No really … it is interesting. I am interested.

Well, let’s fill up our concave souls together with a warm cup of “Over It.” Time for an OVER IT party!

Kate: “I can’t see foresee anybody killing anyone on this show … but [throws arms in the air] there is that twist to it now, something has to happen … [Shane]’s really kinda given up a lot of herself.”
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R-Shelly: “What’s [Jenny] gonna do this week, and who’s she gonna say the wrong thing to? … Is Helena capable of murder? I don’t think so. Are ANY of these characters capable of murder?”
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Mia Kirshner: “Every year I sort of had to take on a different character for Jenny because she’s so radically different every season … it’s hard to understand why Jenny did the things she did, because the things she did … were amoral.”
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Leisha: “[Alice and Jenny] have always had their differences but this [season it’s] a thing where … it’s … a real thing? … it’s not funny.”
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Rose-Ro asks – “Who would really kill Jenny? … I don’t think anyone in the cast would kill Jenny … maybe accidentally? … like a fight on a rooftop or something?” [laughs]
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LuH: “It’s hard to understand why Jenny’s behaving a certain way … Well, it is The L Word, so it’s lots of fantasy.”
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J-Beals: “I don’t think any one of them could premeditate a murder, certainly not. But … [laughs, over it.] Who knows?”
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Kit: That’s my baby girl!
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“I just think it’s funny that you hired me for this job. I’m actually a kinda groovy person in real life, and you’re paying me a good salary to “act” and every year I get a free trip to Vancouver, where I can hike with the tree fairies and make music. Sweet deal you guys! Thanks! Hahaha.”
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I can’t really make fun of Alice’s hair here ’cause I can’t tell what’s going on exactly. Can you?

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Ilene, once again sticking her dumb melon in front of my face when I’m trying to watch the pretty ladies on the teevee, declares: “Who killed Jenny Schecter is definitely the question in Season Six.” – I swear the Chaiken household must be getting really sick of having horse every night for dinner, ’cause Ilene can’t seem to go two hours without beating another dead one. Really? THAT’s the question?

I thought the question of Season Six was “Really Papi, Really?” No actually I thought it could be; “What’s life like for a bunch of abnormally attractive lesbians living in West Hollywood?” I mean, that’s enough, just ask Season One. They did it just fine.
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So Jenny’s gonna steal a screenplay treatment from Alice. Jenny would never do that, unless she was on a serious megalomaniac high … but I mean also who does that? Evil people who never think they’ll have to see you again, that’s who, not people from your direct group of friends. As Mia herself put it, that’s immoral. And Mia knows from immoral, she just spent a lot of time in some really shitty countries. I read the book, it’s good. You should read it. Seriously.

Oh sorry. I mean, wow! What a cool twist, Ilene! Theft! ooo!

Anyhow, I think this particular storyline was ripped from the headlines of Ilene’s diary. Ilene is Jenny’s apart. That’s all I’m gonna say.

It’s like the surge! We’ll have a live debate between me and Ilene and if I confess to enjoying even one moment this storyline, she’ll hold it against me. “Listen, my friends, she’s still denying that the surge happened! The surge worked!” See — substitute “killing Jenny” for “the surge.” I’ll be like “Ilene is pretending that the show began in 2009. And according to that graphic, Jenny kicks the bucket in ’08, so check your facts, killer.”

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Max stares in the mirror and screams “I hate these tits and I hate these hips and I hate Jenny Schecter!” Howevs, Tom is a no-go for The Planet from now on — in one particularly telling clip [that we couldn’t care less about], Jenny is talking CRAZY to Max about how he’s a woman with breasts, and then she makes strange hand gestures to demonstrate the exact lusciousness of his pear figure.

It’s all very strange, still, that Max is on this show, I wish they’d picked a trans man actor  who would’ve actually been friends with these girls in any kind of real or believable way. That could have been really interesting.

Hey did you hear the one about the dude that got pregnant? You know, on like Oprah or whatever. You know?

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Heterosexual Man #356 announces that because Jenny is Tina’s friend, Tina’s going to be held responsible for the FILM that was STOLEN. Jenny stole the one and only copy of the “negative.” !?!?!! What is this, Scooby Doo? (I mean, Max’s facial hair suggests but anyhow.) That doesn’t even make sense. Can we make an abbreviation for “doesn’t make sense? I have a feeling I’ll be saying that a lot this season.

Jenny caught Bette doing the dirty with Jessie Spano and is holding this over Bette’s head “like a sword.” Bette says nothing happened — Spano just spilled a drink, and then they cleaned it up, end of story. Happens all the time. People spill drinks every day Jenny. Ever hear the saying don’t cry over spilled milk. Well, so there. Also — Argentina. Not interested in your tears. Tegan & Sara have a song for you, Jennifer Schecter.

Want me to say something about how I’m gonna kill you? That’s the running joke of the season. It’s like the chicken dance on Arrested Development, except not funny.

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Ilene observes that Jenny discovered “this world.” Suddenly she’s making Jenny the apex of the show, at least she’s making up her mind regarding who/what this show is about.

We’re treated to a series of Season One clips reminding us of the world Jenny created for us, which feels cruel somehow. Stop reminding us of how good this show once was while Jenny gathered rosemary for her seance. You know, a whole new world? That’s where we’ll be? A thrilling place, a wondrous space, for Shane’s naked bodyyyy …”

Have I mentioned I’m so excited about Shenny? If I can just concentrate on Shenny and Bettina and Alice’s cute face, I’ll be good to go. However that will be impossible, because I am a miserable curmudgeon at the age of 27. Ilene’s fault.
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Shane says to Jenny: “You’re my best friend. You know me more than anyone else in this world.” Just this world though guys, there’s no saying what kind of ESP is going on out there on the Starship Enterprise. Jenny responds, “I do.” Either she’s being manipulative or honest. Or both.

I think it’ll be interesting to see how a relationship pans out between two very close friends who both possess serious inner demons and have maintained a complicated but platonic friendship for a few years now. Jenny & Shane are both fucked up. It’s about how we look to one another as vices to fill a void. If you’re into vices and I’m into voids or vice-versa, we’ll all go home feeling that we got what we want. I hope we find out what Jenny wants. This could be a big test for Shane — how does she define herself when her heart’s fully invested? Will she remain the loyal caretaker when it’s compounded by the complications of a committed relationship? Now that Jenny’s the one she’s talking ABOUT, instead of the one she’s talking TO?

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Deep down inside, Jenny’s entrails are pure and shimmery like raindrops.

You guys ! I AM SO EXCITANT, and I just can’t hide it, ABOUT SHENNY!!!! It’s the best thing since Dana & Alice! OMG, that’s the curse. Date your best friend, get KILLED! Maybe Ilene has issues about this specifically?
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Oh back to the Jenny Footage Library …

When the voiceover starts in talking about Jenny’s troubled past again with the troubled-teen graphic above, I’m ready for him to tell me to say no to drugs. But instead he says Jenny is “misunderstood because of her many dimensions.” Watch The United States of Tara, this year on Showtime. Ilene was in the writer’s room for that line. “Come on, just say they don’t GET me! Just say I’ve got a lot of those — what’s that word again? – dimensions!”

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Rachel Shelly reveals the most shocking news of the season: in the final episode “ALL THE CHARACTERS’ STORYLINES WILL LOOP TOGETHER.” (around Jenny) FINALLY! Sing it from the rooftops, Rufus Wainwright, hallelujah at last Ilene intends to tie the storylines together. Of all the characters! I can’t wait to see how Papi fits in. I always did wonder what happened to her. Real pretty girl, that Papi.

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I don’t even want to do Ilene Chaiken the courtesy of transcribing her little monologue about how death makes us look at our lives.

I have my own point to make, Ilene — you know what? “Creating death” is actually not the only way to make us look at our lives. I know! It’s so weird!

We learn and grow from the unexpected honest tragedies of our lives, as I said last week, and although we certainly do learn from death moreso than anything else, that’s not the point here. If the murder ends the season, then retrospection is impossible. The point, clearly, is sensationalism. It’s intended to build up excitement — you’d think after all these years, Ilene would trust that we can build up plenty of excitement all by ourselves.

Plus, there’s so many more complicated and subtle experiences one could use to make one look at one’s life. Because, Ilene, death isn’t just a pie in the face for drama, or a random card to play when your pot is low. Death is um … terrible.

Do something subtle for a change. Something compelling and lovely, like Alice practicing how she’d tell Gaby off, Dana learning her brother’s gay too, Jenny sparring with a brassy writing teacher, Shane struggling with a drug-addicted friends from a former lifetime/style, Bette & Tina conferring that they are, indeed, boring, and skulking off in the hood of boring. That stuff!

Or you could just kill people. Whatevs.
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There’s gonna be lots of pretty girls in it though.

Bette & Tina
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Tasha & Alice
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At the end of “Who Killed Jenny, Part One,” they “ponder her afterlife.” In other words, they try to get funny. Funny LOOKING! Also Enya called they want their CD back.
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In conclusion, I hope Ilene’s saving some footage for the actual show. You should watch “Who Killed Jenny?” ’cause there’s some good moments, like Kate saying the fans could write a better show, Pam Grier being amazing and Mia explaining how she channelled Marie Antionette in order to understand how to act as Jenny during Season Five. My one goal in life is to get Ilene’s exit interview for this show. I could be like listen up let’s be honest here, a lot of people think of you on a scale of 1 to 10 as a totes mad twatwaffle. How does that make you feel, besides inspired?

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