Cut to a clear sunny morning in Palm Springs, California, where the girls are packing up their packers, etc. Romi’s thrilled to depart the desert, Lauren’s tired, Kiyomi has so much shit and Laura’s gonna start packing up the van.
Har har har:
Amanda: “Okay lesbian festival day three, I wanna go to sleep, my liver wants to murder me, my eyes are like slowly closing and if like, I see another lesbian, I’m gonna freak out.”
Lauren interviews that she’s nervous about tomorrow’s shoot ’cause Unstable Ali’s gonna be there and she likes Kiyomi and doesn’t wanna be an asshole. But does she wanna be IN an asshole? Time will tell.
Cut to the next day’s photoshoot in brilliantly temperate Los Angeles, California, where we’ll witness first-hand the movie magic that created iconic lesbian images like this one:
…and this one…
…and this one, which is also notable for its supreme employment of Photoshop.
It’s not often that layman television watchers are granted permission to witness the construction of what is sure to be one of the most memorable works of American art in the 21st century!
As the ladies prepare for their close-ups, Lauren interviews re: Ali:
Lauren: “I’m feeling uncomfortable but i’m trying to be respectful of them finishing whatever they had, you know, and just try to stay back, because I don’t wanna make anyone feel bad or cause any un-needed drama, it’s just one day.”
Hm. How mature and reasonable! Strange. Anyhow, lest they subject a present audience of actual humans to the insufferable squabbles America has been subjected to on television for the past five weeks, Kiyomi & Ali have taken to text to fight it out.
Poetic stuff:
It becomes quickly apparent that Ali is one of those girls. Ali is That Girl. The kind of girl who fights like this:
Girl: We’re not happy together, we should break up, we fight all the time.
That Girl: After everything we’ve been through together how could you do this to me?
Girl: But whenever we’re together, we’re yelling at each other.
That Girl: You feel so far away. I can’t bear it.
Girl: WE FIGHT ALL THE TIME! That’s not a healthy relationship!
That Girl: Just remember that once you loved me.
Girl: Like, does this make you happy? A relationship that’s just fighting?
That Girl: I would do anything for you. Anything.
Girl: Doesn’t it bother you that we always fight?
That Girl: I Â would have loved you forever.
Girl: DO YOU ENJOY FIGHTING ALL THE TIME
That Girl: How could you do this to me?
Girl: CAN YOU ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION ABOUT THE FIGHTING AND IF YOU’VE NOTICED THE FIGHTING AND PERHAPS ALSO REALIZE THIS RELATIONSHIP SUCKS
That Girl: I never expected this from you of all people. That you could be so cold.
Girl: [slams head into the wall and dies]
It’s hard to stop That Girl once she gets going. It goes on and on, like the Erykah Badu song “On & On.”
Vero interviews that she feels bad for Ali ’cause of that skunk streak in her hair JUST KIDDING because Ali’s got no clue about Kiyomi/Lauren but everyone else knows all about it. Poor Ali.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m generally anti-Kiyomi. But this one’s on Ali, too, right? If the only thing keeping you in a relationship is that one of you refuses to let it go, it’s time for it to be over. If the answer to, “if I let go, how long would she stay” is “fifteen minutes or less,” then it’s past time for it to be over, and I’m pretty sure that’s been Kiyomi’s answer since the season started.
So as much as I do feel bad for Ali and her little heart, and as much as this scene feels like other scenes, sad scenes from movies where somebody gets famous and “trades up” and then the dorky girl from home with the big glasses and the pink scarf witnesses herself being replaced by the leggy model with shiny teeth and pink hair, I’m somehow annoyed she came out for the photoshoot at all! Didn’t they break up before Kiyomi left for Dinah and weren’t they never actually together? Oh G-d, my brain just fell out of my skull. BRB.
Okay hi, I’m back. So, where the fuck is Romi? Isn’t this Romi’s World, after all? Well, have no fear, Romi is present & accounted for. She interviews:
Romi: “Dinah was just a really big eye opener. Lauren and Amanda and Whitney and Sara really wanted to make it very clear that I knew that they were friends and that they were like the cool kids, you know, they let me know my place, and it really confirmed that these are not people I want in my life.”
Things feel weird at the photoshoot too, like everybody hates her or is talking about her. Romi. These people that she used to love a lot and be close to. So then she starts crying:
Sara: “I see Romi crying and that strikes a chord in me because Romi and I used to be so close and I feel like we both miss each other very much and I don’t wanna be in high school, I don’t wanna have drama with anybody whether or not you like me or I like you, doesn’t mean that it has to be the way it is. So I think that it’s time to clear the air.”
That’s foreshadowing, let’s stick to the present tense. Elsewhere, Kiyomi & Lauren are chatting…
…and Ali is spying on them like a total weirdo…
Kiyomi: “I noticed that Ali was poking her head through the door and I’m sure that she saw a lot of things that she didn’t wanna see and you know, I don’t wanna hurt her, I really don’t and I feel like we’ve already hurt each other enough and it’s time for it to be over.”
After a little montage that still leaves me wondering if Cori, Kacy and/or Somer actually attended this photoshoot or were just ‘shopped in later, Kiyomi and Ali sit down to talk it out.
Ta-da:
Kiyomi: “When I took a step back away, I just had all of this anxiety go away just like —
and I realize that like, we are not compatible. And like, you know, a huge part of it has to do with the fact that we fight all the time, don’t forget about that, I don’t want that for you.”
Ali: “There’s no more like, Babe I love you, there’s no more like, just putting your arm around me. There’s just no like… saying that I love you.”
Kiyomi: “I’m just turned off right now.”
Ali: “Yeah, I know.”
Kiyomi: “I think that you’re fooling yourself a little bit and I think that you know that you are.”
Ali: “Because I don’t want to lose you.”
Kiyomi: “I know, but it wasn’t all good. Fighting as much as we do is not healthy.”
Ali: “I, I understand…”
Kiyomi:Â “This is not fucking good for me, and it’s not fair for you either, it’s taken so much out of me. So much.”
Ali: “Like, I hear everything you’re saying and I understand and I respect it. Because I love you, like I have just let you go.”
At some point during one of the many days that compose an average season, Romi and Sara have met up to duke it out. Sarahara interviews that she’s “being the better person” by offering to meet up with Romi in such a stupid outfit, but then when she arrives, Romi’s outfit is also stupid, or really borderline Unabomber-esque.
So really I still have no clue what their beef is, and the ensuing “conversation” isn’t remotely illuminating or, for that matter, interesting. Firstly, this’d be way better if kittens and puppies were involved or if they both were drinking smoothies. Instead, Sarahara accuses Romi Flinger of changing into a person Sarahara hates and then it devolves from there.
Romi: “At the end of the day, what it really came down to for me with you was that last year when everyone hated you and were pulling shady shit on Whitney —”
Sara: “How was I pulling shady shit?”
Romi: “— with Erika and all that shit —”
Sara: “— last I checked —”
Romi: “Just hear me out —”
Sara: “—no, ’cause you weren’t actually there for me during that at all—”
Romi: “I actually did call you the next day, I was the only person who called you—”
Sara: “You were sitting there and so was I and you never once came to me—”
Romi: “I said if you needed me and I said to you whether you did something or you didn’t do it, that’s not the point, that’s not why I’m calling you, I called you because I loved you and I called you because we always said that no matter what, whether I fucked up or you fucked up—”
Sara: “Listen, can you think — I want you to think about how many long lasting relationships that you have with friends. Think about that.”
Romi: “I have a lot of friends Sara that you and Whitney don’t know about—”
Sara: “Really? ‘Cause I’ve been in your life now and I’ve seen them come and go—”
Romi: “You too!”
Sara: “With businesses, with relationships—”
Romi: “You too!”
Sara: “The common denominator here is you.”
Romi: “Did you call me here to tell me this?”
Did you film this scene to tell me this?
Cut to the same town on maybe the same day, or perhaps another day, in which Hunter Valentine are once again leaving on a jet plane and Kiyomi’s gotta say goodbye to her little strawberry shortcake.
Lauren interviews that she laments Kiyomi’s leaving and Kiyomi boldly declares that she’s gotta pay more attention to Kiyomi when she returns to The Big Stuffed Apple Pie.
One of them says, “it was fun hanging out with you,” and the other says, “yeah it was awesome,” and I forgot to differentiate in my notes but at this point really who cares. It was fun, and it was awesome.
Next week on The Real L Word:
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