Back in the Arid Arboretum of Foiled Baby-Making, Kacy and Cori are sitting in the kitchen with calculators, talking about sperm.
Basically, Cori’s vadge is gonna have to ingest a shit-ton of sperm if they ever want a baby coming out of that hole, and shit-tons of sperm are expensive — $2,830 a month expensive, which’s half their monthly take-home (nice!), more than I made last year, and also $330 more than this crib costs:
So throw this in:
The point of this exercise is that BOTH of these items come with babies and it fits within the monthly budget.
In the interview, Cori says, “I think we should get a person,” which goes over with Kacy approximately as well as “Cori should just get a person” went over with my butch girlfriend last week when I said it. Apparently this is a thing.
Cori: “I think we need to get a live person.”
Kacy: “A what?”
Cori: “A live person.”
Kacy: “What do you mean, a live person? Like a different donor?”
Cori: “Yeah, but like — a person.”
This is a major affront to Kacy’s masculinity and overall mood, which is subsequently an affront to Cori’s overall mood and Cori’s overall womb and so then a little fight begins.
Cori: “Don’t yell at me about this. I’m stressed out enough.”
Kacy: “Fucking Ditto!”
Cori leaves the interview room, and Kacy plows through the Fourth Wall to go calm her down.
They could just clone a sheep and raise it as a baby at this point, that’d be way cheaper. It wouldn’t even care that it had two moms because like, it’s a sheep. You know?
Sajdah‘s taking Sarita to The Gay Center so Sarita can get a full-force homosexual experience with soda-pop and group exercises which is a very Debbie Navotany thing to do. Sajdah‘s nervous her Mom might say something ignorant or break out in hives in reaction to the lezbo-hippie vibe, but onward ho Brave Young Christian Soildah.
Tonight is a training session for Vote for Equality, a group that walks around Los Angeles telling bigots to get their heads out of their asses and vote for equal rights. Time to split into small groups to hug and play the mirror game!
Sajdah: “I’m a little nervous because my Mom isn’t usually extremely sensitive to LGBT like, rights and concerns, like she calls me gay all the time–“
Obviously Sarita’s in a group with a flannel-clad butch lesbian and, I think, a Whole Foods patron.
Sarita interviews that at first she thought Sajdah was just having a phase when Sajdah announced her homogayness, like that time she’d only wear socks and put ketchup on everything, but then she was on Saj‘s facebook, and “I said to my husband, ‘she’s really gay, isn’t she? she is really liking girls.’ That’s still something that I have to get used to and I have to work on.”
Sarita, touched by the magic that lights the inner fire of all Sajdah‘s friends & family, is super perfect here.
Sarita: “I’m Sarita, straight, Saj‘s Mom. I just think that it’s beautiful for you all to stand up for your rights and fight for what you truly truly believe in.”
Meanwhile in the Village of the Damned, Kacy and Cori are yelling at each other about sperm.
Kacy: “You have no idea what it’s like from my side! If we go back to the beginning — I just feel so far away again, just to sit there and to just be told — like I have to put such an investment into this sperm — this GUY-“
Look, having a baby is hard work and sometimes the hardest part for two strong happy lesbian clam-bakers is that this process involves, in some way, a fucking DUDE, and the game is how to make that not feel as totally awkward as it totally does.
A bizarrely unspecified amount of time later, Romi, still recuperating from whatever head injury necessitates that gauzy skull-wrap, is giving Kelsey The Breakup Talk while Kelsey stares blankly into space with an “over it” facial expression.
Romi says she can’t get sober while living/loving/fucking a drinker, and Kelsey says that’s selfish and in the end, Romi talks so much louder and with more facial expressions/gestures with Kelsey that her point almost rules the day by default.
Kelsey: “Romi can be very selfish. I think she lives in a world where it’s all about Romi… I was giving so much of myself, but it wasn’t reciprocated, it was all about Romi.”
Ahem TRUTH
Romi: “I’m sorry Kels, but the person I was with you is not here anymore. I’m sorry that I don’t — I can’t go get drunk with you. I know that you miss that. I can’t be that right now.”
It kinda breaks your heart a little because obviously it’s SUPER-hard to get sober after years of drinking for so many reasons and one of them is that it’s hard to re-possess responsibility of your own life (which is perhaps what we’re all seeking to escape with our whiskey and beer) and no matter how much these two cats love each other, you can’t take your life back while your old life is sleeping beside you every night.
If Romi misses the old days, Kelsey’s a painful reminder of that, and if she doesn’t miss the old days, Kelsey’s part of a thing Romi’s eager to discard.
Sometimes you love a person and they love you back but that’s the only thing you have in common, is that you love each other. And it’s not enough.
Ultimately, Romi and Kelsey don’t get along, don’t enjoy each other’s company, don’t share general life goals, don’t ever have sex and don’t trust each other and so let’s wrap this shit up, cry a whole bunch, yell and throw things and call it a day!
