Back on Sperm Street, Cori’s not ovulating yet, which’s bad news ’cause I’d like this bitch to get knocked up already so we can move on to learning about their jobs, relationship, favorite colors, etc.
Cori interviews that she’s suddenly “obsessed” with talking about the pregnancy whereas before she was not. Kacy, a regular Dapper Q, manages to balance “sharing Cori’s pain” and “comforting Cori’s fear” with unrivaled aplomb. “Best Butch on the Block” two weeks in a row, that one!
“I don’t wanna go through this with anyone else but you,” Cori tells Kacy. Thank God because I think they’re on the same lease.
Back in Sin City where the girls are gonna (pick one!!!):
a) go pick up chicks and have hot naked sex
b) worry about and look for a straight male friend with a curious moustache
c) work
Mull it over.
Guess who’s gonna be at the Convention!?!
Drew reps a fashion line for other men who resemble 90s Nintendo Characters.
However today Drew’s gone off-brand with that Atari shirt:
Romi and Drew are still fighting ’cause of whatever insipid petty phone-fight happened last week/episode.
Romi: “We fight because we’re so much alike, you know, I’m so fucking stubborn.”
Romi, panicked as a poodle in a tunic and a Geordi Laforge Visor reinvented as a headpiece, knows she has to do her job and make a good impression to put food on the table for her and Kelsey but she can’t stop thinking about Drew. Drew is ostensibly ignoring her but he’s also giving the camera crew a solo interview, so, mixed messages.
Romi really needs him today. Forever’s gonna start today, forever’s gonna start to– once upon a time I was falling in love, now I’m only falling apart, nothing I can do but watch Drew walk around for the rest of the day.
So Claire emailed Whitney re: participating in her Lesbian Magazine Photoshoot and Whitney’s not gonna lie:
Whitney: “I’m a little taken aback because you know, I couldn’t help but remember that just a few days earlier she was fighting with a friend of mine.”
AHEM, not that either party exited cleanly from that throw-down, but didn’t Whitney’s friend start it? Also, does Whitney use The L Word perfume? [see below] I swear they make that shit on CafePress.
Anyhow, enough lesbian drama, let’s get down to the man-meat of the situation — namely some more discussion of Caes’s penis!
Whitney: “I don’t understand how he’s gonna get hard, how he’s gonna stay hard, and how he’s gonna stay hard when we put very cold goo on him.”
I hope all you fellows at home are paying attention to a lesbian talking about keeping your dick hard. You could make that your ringtone.
Caes will bring his girlfriend to be the “fluffer.” Guess what his girlfriend’s name is?
Claire’s lounging on the couch in jeggings like a pretty girl in a Brett Easton Ellis novel.
Now that Francine’s out of the picture (literally and figuratively — she’s not in this episode), Vivian’s secured her top spot in Claire’s heart. This doesn’t stop Claire from whining to her girlfriend about her ex-girlfriend, however:
Claire: “She just wants to make a fool out of me every chance she gets. She won’t stand up for me, she can’t even house my things without throwing them out like garbage.”
If you’re wondering what Claire sees in Vivian besides her hotness and smartness, here it is:
Claire: “Vivian has found a way to calm me and somehow keeps my brattiness to a minimum.”
Claire’s now ‘begging’ Vivian to come visit her, ideally in a sexy outfit from Victoria’s Secret.
Claire: “You’re wanted, I want you to come visit. I’m so lost without you, do you see what’s happening to me?“
Exactly! Nothing is happening to her! Claire needs to speak to a real-live person stat. They can work on the photo shoot together! It’s like a bizness trip. Vivian is a stylist! It doesn’t even matter that nobody’s agreed to DO the shoot, Vivian will make it perfect:
I could make fun of this except that I do the exact same thing. Like… I can’t even. That’s what it’s like to date a lesbian online magazine website maven, children. Always doing their stuff.
I don’t want you to interpret my brief coverage of the boy-centric scenes as representative of their brief inclusion in the episode. Assume Episode Time: Recap Time is like 5 : 1 in these cases.
SO! This scene’s about how much Romi loves Drew. He’s ignoring her, she’s got an apple-bottomed ring and an Aladdin headband and as far as I can tell is ready to rock except for Drew being all Drewy.
Romi: “I’m just bawling like a little bitch because Drew’s love is the closest love I can find to my father.”
Luckily they reunite, which is good news for them but seems like it should be bad news for The Lines they are Repping at The Convention.
They joke and jive with one another like two birds on a wire.
They reunite. Raise your hand if you care about Romi’s friendship with Drew or if you can see how Drew moves Romi’s storyline forward. If we were all in the same room I suspect a Pterodactyl could fly through and we’d all keep our limbs.
So, back to Sajdah’s Sex Palace, where Sajdah is talking to her Mom on the phone and Chanel is putting on her makeup. What for? Where are they going? Who cares? What matters is Sajdah’s Mom, who gets seven kinds of super just this minute.
Mom: “I just can’t even imagine [you two showering together] now. I don’t want to know either, I don’t want to imagine.”
Sajdah: “I tried the other and I didn’t like it as much.”
Mom: “Because you’re masculine. Well, why you couldn’t be a lipstick lesbian instead of a soft stud?”
Sajdah: “Who taught you those words?”
Mom: “Why’d you have to be the boy? That’s what they taught me at work. When I showed them your picture, these girls that I knew that was gay, when I showed them your picture they said ‘that’s a soft stud. I was like, WHAT?”
Sajdah: “Chanel, am I a soft stud?”
Chanel: “You’re not a soft stud!”
Mom: “Chanel, are you a lipstick lesbian? If I may ask.”
Chanel: “I thought I was a soft stud.”
Mom: “You don’t sound like no soft stud, honey.”
Sajdah: “The only thing even remotely stud about her is that she’s a top!”
Mom: “A what?”
Sajdah: “It’s like either you’re a top or a bottom, like the top gives and the bottom receives… like for you, Big Greg would be a top and you’re the bottom.”
Mom: “No, I ain’t on the bottom of nothing. You ain’t pulling my hair out. No, I ain’t on the bottom of nothing.”
Mom: “How do you do the scissors?”
Sajdah: “Both of our legs open up like scissors and then she puts hers on top of mine.”
Mom: “On top of your legs or knees you mean?
Sajdah: “Nah, it’s clit to clit!”
Mom: “How you do clit to clit, Toffee?”
Sajdah: “I told you. You know how I sit like take your fingers and make two peace signs and then turn one of ’em sideways and then put them together!”
Mom: “Oh let me figure this out. Y’all being nasty with a Y. I didn’t raise you to be nasty like that, child. I’m at work, I can’t mess with y’all. That’s my lesson for the day on um, gay stuff.”
Mmmk. Forget Mom, look how much Sajdah learned about sex on her very first day ! It’s a 30-Dayinversary Miracle!
Back in Las Vegas, Romi’s trying to network without drinking, which is difficult, and Kelsey’s texting her in need of attention. Why?
Romi, eyes already cocked in that “woman, you fix your own self” scowl, dips outside to comfort/further depress Kelsey.
Well Romi can tell you what Kelsey’s NOT DOING vis a vis what Romi is not doing:
Romi: “I’m thinking to myself like why does she keep getting fired? And I feel bad for her and I can see that she’s beating herself up.”
Okay, just to talk about myself for a minute, there was an unfortunate stretch of time in mid-to-late 2004 where I got fired more than once — actually I don’t wanna talk about myself anymore. My favorite thing to do in Las Vegas is go to the buffets.
