Romi & Kelsey awaken with a super-bad case of the Sundays/Hangover! Sad face! Romi can’t remember last night, good thing it’s all on tape. God can you imagine? That’d be my worst nightmare. The entire world seeing a video of me doing something I don’t even remember doing. Right?
If I were Kelsey, I’d be like “You don’t remember? Last night you agreed to buy me a subscription to the Harry & David’s Fruit of the Month Club.” Then in September, they’d get 4 pounds of Royal White Peaches. A new fresh seasonal fruit every month!
Romi: “Apparently last night my behavior I was out of control.”
Kelsey’s like, who knows where this spiral could go — this time you kiss her, what happens next time if you stick your tongue in her ear? How am I supposed to clean up that mess!??! I’m only one girl! Like the army of one, except I’m gay, so I may or may not be able to join the army.
Time for a “wake-up call!”
I think Romi’s starting out with the man in the mirror. Maybe trying to tell her to change her ways?
Cori & Kacy are sitting on their couch, talking about sperm.
It’s “Operation Find Sperm: Stage Two” which looks a lot like Stage One, or at least it’s on the same set. They’ve found a website which Cori says isn’t just taking “any Joe Shmoe off the street.” Cori’s obsessed with Joe Shmoe. Maybe she’s bisexual.
The mood of this scene is like a Massengil commercial but about babies. They found a nice man, and his sperm will come in the mail, except I think that part’s supposed to happen next week. They do a Nikki-Jill High FIVE:
Cori: “We both wanted somebody that would look like her but nobody’s as cute as her. Um but I mean — they’re all college graduated, smart and athletic!”
Cori’s “nobody’s as cute as her” is sweeter than a hive o’honey.
Kacy advises her to “be sure to double click big boobs.” Men men men! Boys boys boys! Men and boys and sperm and dudes and height and weight! Men men men! It’s raining men! It’s HAILING MEN! it’s SNOWSTORMING MEN! Let’s all masturbate to Joe Shmoe porn!
Romi’s having tuna with her Mom and her girlfriend, speaking about her sins last night, mentioning this ‘attraction’ with Rachel that she forgot to mention during her and Kelsey’s Morning of Reckoning.
Romi was diagnosed with bipolar when she was 14, which explains a lot — and I don’t mean that to sound like “bitch is crazy, no wonder she’s doing such crazzzy shit!” because trust me, i’ve been psychiatrically treated like a motherfucker and so have most of my friends/family and have a bipolar ex, but because it’s another piece of who she is and how her mind works and where she’s been, and that’s nice, because they never tell us where anybody’s been unless it relates to a future guest appearance of their homophobic Mom. (Also drinking enhances a manic state and also interacts unkindly with medications so there’s a lot of things going on here)
Romi’s gonna quit drinking which means they’ll have to cut back on going out, says Kelsey, maybe start watching True Blood or something.
Romi: “[Kelsey] has a drinking problem too but that’s for her to figure out, you know what I mean?”
Eeeek.
Does Kelsey have concerns about their new chaste lifestyle?
Kelsey: “Yeah, major concerns. Major concerns, it’s gonna suck. Like honestly.”
Francine is now talking to her CO-WORKER about Claire! They could be talking about pizza or baseball! But MORE CLAIRE MOREEEE CLAIRE! GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS
Francine: “It’s toxic, it’s a very toxic relationship.”
Whitney and Rachel hobble over to the Porch Furniture of Truth to discuss The Legend of Saralizawski the Enchantress of West Hollywood!
Rather than really claw open her heart and dig it out like a jar of frozen creamed corn, Whitney prefers another analogy-type thing for getting over Sara — a “12-step program.” SA. Sara Anonymous.
Whitney is addicted to Sara. Sara is the new crystal meth. Sara is the new shopping.
Rachel: “How are you feeling with me being out here?”
Whitney: “I mean, I feel good about you being out here.”
Rachel: “Yeah, I surprisingly feel totally zen.”
They repeat the thing about feeling zen just enough for you to know they’re probably both full of shit and want to bang bang bang.
Whitney: “So if I’m single and she’s single, it could happen.”
Back to the Home for Wayward Exes…
Claire’s sitting at the glass table. She’s been there all day, wringing her hands and thinking about how hard it is to have two girlfriends AND start a lesbian magazine. She’s got a cigarette, she’s got some wine, she’s got all night — Sarah Warn would never let that shit fly.
Claire & Francine start arguing again.
Claire: “Both of you know what I’m doing so therefore–”
Francine: “So that’s why I’m taking myself out of this situation because I don’t need to waste my time waiting around for an asshole like you who makes me feel like shit all the time.”
DAYUM.
Claire’s upset that Francine won’t let go of the past although most of Francine’s registered complaints seem present-focused. You have feelings though, because Claire starts crying and says “I can’t talk about this anymore.”
Well I don’t know about you but I need a cigarette.*
*jk i don’t smoke
