It’s time for #whitegirlproblems aka Pillow Talk With Alyssa, when Alyssa talks to/about Whitney with/without Whitney on the patio sofa situation.
But who is making time for Alyssa? What about Alyssa’s hopes/dreams? What about her sexual adventures? What does she like to masturbate to on camera?
Time out: When Laguna Beach first came out I watched like two episodes of it but was annoyed by the obvious scene set-ups — where the camera turns on and then one person is like, “I need to talk to you [about x] [but you can’t tell y].” I assumed that show would get canceled but instead it became a smash hit and I was like, I can’t believe Daria got canceled and that shit just kept reproducing.
They left the “set-up” in this scene too. Cameras on, girls in their places on the couch, AND GO.
To sum up this big vat ‘o nonsense: Sara wanted a job at Rachel’s hair salon and planned to get back together with Hanna and Rachel’s not supposed to tell Whitney. Also, Rachel and Sara both have arm-sleeve tattoos. Maybe there’s a tattoo artist in Whitney’s vaginal canal!?!!
All these girls look the same, just pick one!
So Alyssa & Rachel team up to tell Whitney about Sara’s lying eyes.
Whitney grabs her hat a lot, wondering why it didn’t protect her from voodoo dust like it said it would on the box. It’s a “red screaming flag” that Whitney must abide or be an idiot.
Sajdah reflects on her evening with the Marching Band of Love: “I think the parade showed a lot about my character, to [Chanel].” But did it show a lot about Sajdah’s character to US?
Chanel: “It was inspiring, it was special, it was a bunch of black people in a positive setting.”
Sajdah: “By the end of the parade she’s really feeling me.”
Awwwwwwww. How cute.
Cori and Kacy are sitting at a table, talking about sperm. Behind them are racks of wine that could be disassembled and turned into dildos. In front of them are two gay sperm-hoarding buddies.
Once again, set-up is included — Kacy begins, “I actually had a question that I want to ask you both–” and bada-bing-bada-boom — both men deny the cute couple access to their sperm.
“Their attachment to their sperm shocks me,” say Kacori. They’d give any of these motherfuckers an egg. Two eggs! If a dozen guys wanted their eggs, they’d get ’em. EVERY SINGLE TIME Kacy or Cori lay an egg, ever, for the rest of their lives, they will scramble/benedict that shit and deliver it to any gay guys on craigslist looking for an afternoon gig. And these men just clutching their testicles to their chests like a bunch of hoarders. Buried Alive.
Cori: “They’re entitled to their feelings. We are not entitled to their sperm.”
She’s tired of talking about sperm. Us too! Let’s stop. Here’s my questions: what do you guys do for a living? How did you meet? What’s your family like? What are you really passionate about? What’s your favorite color? So many questions!
Back on Skid Row, Romi’s come home from a long, hunger-filled day at work to find her house tomboyfriend eagerly anticipating her arrival.
Kelsey: “Hi, you look cute!”
Romi: “I’m gonna change.”
Kelsey: “I forgot what you looked like when you left! Come here –“
Haha!
[Sidenote: In the kitchen you can tell that it’s January because there’s an Autostraddle Calendar on the wall and it looks like Miss January!]
Romi’s been working at Marc Jacobs but is tiring of living paycheck-to-paycheck and not doing makeup, which she went to school for and had been doing for 10 years. She’s actually been putting more and more makeup on her face every day for the last ten years. That’s dedication. She should be working on The Lion King.
Romi doesn’t wanna be the “sole income of us.” But then who would put beans, cheese and more cheese into a pan and melt it so you could eat it after you come home from a long day, Miss Marc Jacobs?
Kelsey cleans, cooks, and does beer runs. These are important things in a woman.
Visual aids:
Like So:
Back to Francine and Claire. So far, Claire’s experience starting a lesbian magazine is nothing like my own. She should be sitting at her laptop, crying, but instead she’s GOING OUT with her NOT-GIRLFRIEND Francine. What is this Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.
Francine and Claire are very pretty girls! la la la recap la la.
Francine & Claire are going to Haute, a girl’s party. It’s actually a PYT Party held at Haute, I’m obsessed with the selective engagement of brand exposure on this program.
Francine observes that everyone in the lesbian community is connected, like two degrees of separation. Interesting theory. Someone should make a chart or a video game or something about that.
Here we are at the girl party! Look! Everybody is alive with sparkles and light! Is that Debbie Harry? No, no, it’s a fairy. It’s Chuck and Larry. Let’s get married! No you can’t, it’s illegal.
Here we are at the pickle farm. Look who’s here! It’s Robin Roemer, photographer for Autostraddle.com and the Autostraddle Calendar Girls. There’s also about half a second where you can see Sara Medd, stylist of Autostraddle.com, sitting next to Kelsey.
Romi is flirting with Rachel, Whitney is yelling at Sara but Sara’s not saying anything. She’s sort of the Helen Keller of The Real L Word. Claire & Francine are getting along like two girls in a Cabana of Love.
Claire meets Whitney:
Basically what we have here is a MENSA meeting. Just really intellectual, complicated people hashing out the issues of the day.
First, let’s pop in on Whitney and her Lover Sahashama:
Whitney: “Text messages with Hanna?”
Sara: [incomprehensible, also lacks subtitles, perhaps they don’t want us to know, perhaps she’s revealing the secret recipe of Col. Sanders’ secret sauce?!]
Whitney: Oh don’t worry, I saw it first fucking hand. I’m saying Sara, like WHY, dude? Like you don’t understand like literally I felt like [makes gesture like she’s opening her shirt] like — [does the gesture again] like —
Sara: “I understand–”
Whitney: “No, you don’t understand.”
Sara: “I already told you what my side of it was — how could you see a text message I sent to her?”
Whitney: “Don’t worry about it, like I saw it, trust me.”
Sara: [pouty face] “Like — what are you mad about, I already told you –”
Whitney: “What am I mad about, Sara? Really? Really, Sara, what am I mad about?”
Sara: “Yeah.”
Whitney: “Really? What am I mad about? I don’t know, you think I don’t see things but I–”
Sara: “I mean I haven’t talked to Hanna in a really long time.”
Whitney: “Really? when’s the last time you talked to Hanna.”
Sara: “Today.”
Oh-kay.
Meanwhile, at Odyssey of the Mind, Romi has just kissed Rachel!:
Kelsey: “This is not what I want. You’ve ruined it so many times right now.”
Romi: “Me?”
Kelsey: “You just–you just Kiss her like — how easy you did that. So easily, you just kiss her!”
Romi: “Youregonanleaveme”
Kelsey: “I’m not gonna leave you but you just so easily kiss her do you want a threesome?”
Romi: “No.”
Kelsey: “Then why’d you why’d you do that?”
Back to Drama Club, where Whitney’s basically just repeating “Really Sara?” over & over. It’s like a lullaby for the spawn of Satan.
Whitney: “You lied, you are such a fucking liar.”
Claire for the win:
Claire: “I’m kinda new to the whole game out here and I really wanna steer clear of any drama, and that’s just all I’m seeing from all these girls. I wasn’t raised to start screaming at people in nightclubs. Like, control yourself!”
Kelsey gets advice from a friend who tells her not to get mad — “You know Romi,” she says. “She’s a maniac, a maniac on the floor, and she’s kissing like she’s never kissed before.”
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But, my friends, not much earlier THAT VERY SAME NIGHT (!!!?!!!!) :
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Interesting.
Mysterious, eh?
Romi, because she’s an explorer like Christopher Columbus, ventures out into the middle of the street for no apparent reason while Kelsey says ‘Romi, Romi..” Kelsey retrieves her and together, they amble home, drunk but almost adorable in their drunkedness.
Kelsey: “Baby, bullshit aside? Bullshit aside? Call a cab.”
Back at Francine’s Home for Wayward Exes, later that night/month, Claire’s video-chatting Vivian, being “lovey-dovey” (-Francine). Lovey-dovey is like an epidemic in this town.
Vivian says she may have a job in CA when she comes to visit — TELL ME ABOUT HER JOB PLEASE no? Okay? More feelings. Okay fine. I’ve got all day. I’m taking notes and turning them into greeting cards. Then I’ll have my own reality show, it’ll be called “Cake Boss” but be about teacups instead of cake. The title is just to keep people interested. Everyone loves cake.
This is like Sister Wives, which I’ve never seen. Someone needs to tell Claire about how technology has enabled us to speak privately with headphones on so that nobody’s feelings get hurt.
