Whit & Sara are getting closer & closer the further they go, which means disaster must lurk around the corner, like in Scream and Scream 2 or also maybe Jumanji, judging by the music.
Suddenly, just as Sara and Whitney have fallen in love, Sara leaps away from Whitney and bounds into the sea of ladies. Well, really one lady. With one RULLL serious earring.
Guess who’s best friends not just forever, but FOREVER EVER?
It’s Romi & Sara of Romi, Sara & Alyssa Tell All: The Autostraddle Interview!
While Whitney was innocently organizing canned food drives & topping at paintball, Romi & Sara were on the internet playing OurChart.
Sara always knew that her and Romi would get along, because in all honesty, falling for the same lady can be a pretty good indicator of how well you’d get along.
Laneia: HOLLER FEATHER / NATIVE EAR PIECES.
Carly: “We would be good friends because we love large earrings!”
Laneia: DID THEY ROB AN INDIAN RESERVATION ON THEIR WAY TO PALM SPRINGS
You weren’t a fan of beer on facebook!
+
Whitney: Gotta love the fucking internet. Apparently Sara and Romi know each other. So the irony is just pouring over.
Papi thinks about this kind of stuff all the time:
DO YOU WANT TO BE INVOLVED WITH THESE BREASTS OR NOT, LEVEL WITH ME
+
Rose points out that the bathroom isn’t just going to get up and remove itself. Nat points out that she’d already apologized and her boobs are really big.
Jess: Who do I have to fuck for Nat and Rose to fight in front of our banner???
Riese: I remember whenever I saw them I felt like they were filming a scripted show, I think that might actually be how I got the idea this show was scripted before seeing it.
Carly: These two give me so much anxiety.
Riese: YES.
Rose You wanna bounce?
Nat: You’re already bouncing.
Rose: What do you wanna do then?
Nat: Drop it.
Rose: Then step up, don’t talk to me like that.
Nat: Rose.
Rose: Don’t talk to me like that.
Laneia: UGH GOD SHUT UP ROSE!
Carly: Step up? What? Who Does this?
Nat [in interview]: I think Rose kinda wants to fight, kind of wants to go off her own way. So she will take anything and run with it.
Nat and her friends proceed to locate their other friends and Rose, in a very “Michael Scott Wants to Hang Out with Ryan in the city” way, says she’ll just go chill with Whitney. Later, there’s some more high-volume nonsense.
“How can I be lonely with my boys? Like a famous person once said, boys on the side. But I disagree. I say, let’s hear it for the boys.”
+
Rose wants to leave the feud and leave the drama by leaving Nat at the party. She hails a cab by yelling DINAH into the air, it’s like her mouth is its own Shofar.
Riese: Great way to stop a fight! Just walk away! AGAINST THE RULES ROSE.
Jess: Rose. Honey. You’re 36.
Carly: My God.
Jess: Look at yourself.
Laneia: Stunted growth. It’s a thing.
Carly: YOU’RE ALMOST 40.
Laneia: God I hate people.
Riese: I wish the vagina lady was in this.
Carly: DJ Saratonin is taking the place of the dogs in this episode.
Riese: Yes she is. Sending us secret signals.
So this is the part where Romi & Whitney break Papi’s Rule #2.
Jess: Why is the pool empty?
Riese: You may note the pool that nobody else is in.
Jess: Except for them.
Riese: The pool
Laneia: Did they clear the pool.
Riese: Nobody was ever in the pool
Carly: “Unless you wanna be on Showtime, get out of the goddamn pool”
My lawd, I should’ve done a crying count this episode. I could take a shower in the interview room at this rate. Whitney has feelings! #sadadultkoala.
Meets, Shoots, and Leaves
Riese: I want to be in those sheets. I have #sensememory.
Jess: Whitney’s heart and soul just cameoed.
Riese: Jess just made a joke.
Laneia: I read that ‘cameltoed’ and lol’d.
When Whitney realized that she needed people, she felt vulnerable and sad and had to lay down
God that hat is so cute I just can’t stop laughing
+
Hi, Cute Machine, party of my heart(y)! Tracy & Stamie have moved to an undisclosed location where they can receive correspondences from Tracy’s Mom. ON SPEAKERPHONE OBVI.
Tracy’s Mom: I came back here thinking about you, you know that I wish I could be there. I like all your friends. That was very very cool. Very good good people.
Tracy’s Mom has decided to move on and accept Tracy as she is. I wish she could’ve done it on camera for more crying.
Riese: ILENE IS MANIPULATING US! She’s making us really like all the people just at the last minute to ensure another year of employment for Ilene and whomever she’s fucking. She’s just like the rest of us, just wanting job security.
Laneia: God these Mad Men tweets are KILLING ME
Carly: I know, I’m like HURRY UP ILENE I NEED TO WATCH MAD MEN
Laneia: But with Tracy in that hat? It’s like mini Mad Men.
Laneia: I LOVE Tracy’s bottom teeth. Is that weird? Am i weird? FUCK IT
Riese: FUCK IT LOVE THOSE TEETH
Laneia: OH NOT THE DRINK TICKETS! BITCH I WILL CUT YOU FOR DRINK TIX!
Riese: Rose kept her shades on the whole time. Stoned.
Carly: I am reminded of Party Monster now: “Drink tickets? You couldn’t organize a glass of water!”
Rose self-identifies as a “fucking ATM disposal,” which is like when a garbage disposal eats money little-shop-of-horrors-style. Nat’s there, packing her things into bags, as one does at the end of a vaycay. They yell words loudly at each other’s faces.
Rose wants Nat to apologize for “starting all this.” You know, “this.” What’s “this”? It’s “drama.” Also, Nat’s been “slamming shit.” Why? ‘Cause of “drama.” Also, oil spill? UM YUP DRAMA.
Also, maybe Nat DID take the drink tickets, but only ’cause her boss hasn’t paid her and WHO’S THE BOSS it’s Rose, but Rose spends so much money on Nat’s clothes AND OH HAY WHATEVER BECAUSE she wasn’t wearing any last night and besides this is about LOVE, Rose, a Rose by any other name would be Papi LA LA LA GIRLS ARE PRETTY
Sad panda.
The costume of the day is Old English Schoolboy Gets a Prostitute. I say that with complete respect for prostitutes and moderate respect for old english schoolboys.
I picked the one with boobs up to HERE
Two forces currently paralyze my writing abilities w/r/t this scene: 1) must make joke about Raquel dressing up like a prostitute/slut ’cause of the slutsmut party and Dinah Shore being like that, 2) must not be judgey or perpetuate stereotypes about sex workers or do slut-shaming.
Meanwhile, Nat and Rose are having a super-productive breakup convo behind closed doors, which means it could be dialogue from anywhere. Also, meanwhile, Mikey and Raquel are doing it.
Riese: IT’S A SEXBREAKUPMONTAGE
Laneia: Fuck! Yes! Damn it. FUCK! IF THEY SAY DRAMA AGAIN I WILL DIE
Jess: I’m ready for Nat to pull a gun on Rose
Carly: Hooo boy
Laneia: lol why did you just pull my hair
Carly: JUXTAPOSITION
Riese: They still can’t come up with anything besides “bitch”
Laneia: Carly i will juxtapose your face
Carly: Fucking fighting… other things from that song…
Riese: Loving laughing?
Riese: I have been patient with this bitchass too.
Laneia: WE ARE SO DRAMZ U GYYYZ.
Carly: I’ve been patient with so much bitchassedness. On this show.
It’s a nice day for a same-color-as-our-wedding walk down the street
Nikki & Jill awaken early to take Mom back to the airport. It was amazing to have her Mom here. A woodpecker pecks. A real one. Nikki says they did so much she can’t even remember what they did. I bet they did fun things, like Disneyland or Sea World.
ALSO FYI — Nikki & Jill are still in love and Jill looks cute in her hat. HER MICHIGAN HAT!! (Me & Jill both went to U of M, we have a lot in common clearly)
Raquel: The lesbians are leaving. They’re migrating back to where they’ve come from. It’s really interesting. Some of them don’t make it. I don’t know.
Carly: TWO MEN ENTER, ONLY ONE WILL LEAVE
Riese: I LOVE RAQUEL RIGHT NOW
Carly: We didn’t know she was amazing this whole time because she was always so late for everything.
Riese: Yeah she was late for her interviews probs too.
Papi knows what Rose should have been thinking about Nat:
Natalie and Rose’s relationship is over. Rose says she wasn’t the best girlfriend ever, but she “was the best girlfriend she’s ever been in 35 years to Nat.” Look, I don’t care if this is the best car you’ve made in 35 years — if the car don’t run, the car don’t fucking run!
Carly: BUT YOU GUYS I saw them together at The Abbey in July!
Riese: CARLY FOURTH WALL
Rose loved Nat, but Nat loved sea mammals more
Nat says Rose is mean and speaks down to her and driving away was the best feeling she’s had all weekend. Nat’s sure that Rose’ll be fine, because as Rose told us in the Season Premiere and Nat repeats here:
God you look so ETHEREAL in the sunlight, cut it outtttt
+
Whitney and the girls drive home in silent, weheartitish twilight.
Whitney & Sara came for the spirit journey. They got more than they’d bargained for.
+
Dinah solidified Whitney and Sara’s unreadiness for a relationship, says Whitney. It’s a big decision, becoming a vampire.
This later proved false, as I believe Whitney currently has a girlfriend.
Whitney: Fuck it. I am single as hell. So ladies. Watch out.
IT’S TIME FOR THE ENDING MONTAGE of the future! Imagine lesbian acoustic music playing as we dance on into the time.
Riese: Oh, emo lesbo music. Dogs.
Laneia: YES SONNNNG DOGS
Riese: Big guns
Laneia: HUMMUS
Riese: Lonely lonely that is me
Laneia: BLACKLIGHTS! DRANKS!
Riese: And so it is, just like you said it would be
Carly: That doorman is a vampire
Laneia: BABIES
Carly: Rose is going to a vampire club. Rose is at fangtasia.
Riese: Who’s your daddy?
Laneia: LAPTOPS!
Carly: WATCH OUT PAM!
Jess: MIRANDA THE TRAINER
Riese: Mind control
Jess: I’ve missed you miranda
Riese: I JUST WANT YOU TO STAY
Carly: Friends forever
Riese: 4everever
Laneia: I want to jump ahead 4 yrs
Carly: This is that Vitamin C song!
Laneia: Oh fuck you Carly, that was perfect. Perfect analogy
Carly: So that’s it? It’s all over now?
Riese: The endso.
Laneia: IT’S OVARRRRRRRRRRRRR! CELEBRATION SHOT!
Riese: Who killed Jenny? I thought we were gonna find out.
Laneia: Obvs Rose’s ego killed Jenny.
Riese: I think she just fell.
Carly: … and in the end, Bette and Tina moved to New York and Alice started a band.
Riese: …and Max had a baby.
Carly: Fuck this shit.
Laneia: Love you guys.
Carly: I’m gonna go watch mad men now. MADMENNNN!
Riese: I want to go to Dinah, it was fun. I like it whenever we can all be together.
Laneia: Next time, I promise to look where I’m going and not break my foot.
Carly: Ok ladies. It’s been real REAL L. Get it?
+
Dinah Shore Episodes Make Autostraddle Tired
Check back for my final rant on the topic of The Real L Word! Also if you’ve been coming just for the recaps, you should take a look around, we talk about other things too, like Prop 8 and DADT and geekology and books and Rachel Maddow & our feelings!
GIMME ALL YOUR MONEY PLEZZZ. Recapping takes like 30 hours. Cast members of The Real L Word are also encouraged to donate, because it’s way cheaper than a wedding dress and Laneia has children to feed. Also A-List Celebrities and other Persons of Power are welcome to pitch $5 -> $50,000 into our pool.
Also, thank you SOOOOOO much to everybody who has donated over the past few months. You literally are enabling us to operate and we couldn’t do it without you. Thank you a million times thank you.
