I Like You So Much I Talk to Everyone But You
Tracy and Amy are going to have brunch, which is like breakfast + lunch. Tracy’s Mom asked Amy about Stamie, which rhymes and is a good sign. That also rhymes.
WHO’S GOING SKINNY DIPPING WITH ME?!!!
Nikki & Jill are wandering the countryfields of Los Angeles in search of a space/”estate” to host the Celebration of Love Committed for All Of Time, Even Israeli Calendar Time.
Los Angeles people, in addition to being afraid to merge, seem to be obsessed with leaving one space for another space and evaluating said space for a Purpose of the Future. It’s sort of like living in Tomorrowland, but boring, and about real estate instead of talking toys and space cars.
Nikki is obsessed with the house in Malibu. She loves it. Once you get to this level of house, really, what’s there to complain about? All I dream of in life is a small patch of farmland, a dishwasher, my friends, and goat cheese. And honsetly I’d settle, at this point, for a dishwasher.
Carly: They are like the movie It’s Complicated, which is actually about Meryl Streep’s struggle to make a larger gourmet kitchen in her mansion.
Perfect for a Home Birth
Nikki makes a good point about the value of this home: “It doesn’t even need art on the walls.”
Riese: ‘It doesn’t even need art on the walls’ right totally.
Laneia: That doesn’t even make sense.
Carly: Wait what are they doing?
Riese: That’s what I think when I’m checking to see if the shower is in the kitchen: “Does it need art on the walls?”
“The Only Thing Wrong With This House is That I Don’t Own It.” – Nikki
Carly: Are they buying a house?
Laneia: VENUE.
Riese: I think this is a wedding location. Or it’s for LA Fashion WeekEND.
Laneia: 2 ACRES WORTH OF PARKING.
Carly: Is this HGTV?
Riese: Why do they care about how nice the workout room is for a wedding?
Yes, This is Just How the Oracle Said it Would Be
This house is unbelievable. Nikki loves the floor. The indoor/outdoor. Also, Nikki has already seen the whole wedding in her mind. She saw Jill walking down the aisle with her parents. In her dress. IN THIS HOUSE.
Carly: She has special powers! she can see the future! She can see the wedding! It already happened in her mind!
This seems like the kind of house where Ryan Atwood would get a catering job and then feel awkward when Marissa shows up with Luke in expensive clothing. They should get it, def. GO TEAM.
La da di la da da la di di la da da. Only 8 editors have come. Eight isn’t great. Carly is already suffering short-term memory loss. As Mikey degenerates, so do we.
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Riese: Are they in NYC?
Laneia: Si
Carly: What? Who?
Riese: This isn’t the Spanish part, Laneia.
Laneia: There are Spanish people in NYC.
Carly: NYC?
Laneia: Can’t you tell from THE BRIDGE?!
Carly: Who is in New York City?
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Somebody made a wrong turn on their way to the Dog Fancy convention:
Mikey knows The PR Person can’t make people appear out of nowhere. You know what Mikey needs is a good PR Person who’ll ensure ahead of time (a.k.a. “somewhere”) that people actually come… oh.
Carly: This event is like when your middle school had the holiday craft fair, and everyone wore sweaters over turtlenecks and you walked around and had to buy awful crafts.
Riese: At least you can play with the crafts though.
SEE Doesn’t This Google Image Search Result for “Craft Fair” Look Fun?
Riese: Actually though it is super awkward to be the only press at a press event.
Carly: I have been to press events like that! It’s soooo boring.
Laneia: They should’ve had a DJ.
Riese: Yeah like Carmen or Carlytron
Carly: mmhm
I Have a Pretty Dress and Now I Fond a Pretty House and I Already Have a Pretty Girlfriend So I Am Basically Pretty Oh So Pretty
NIKKI IS OBSESSED WITH THE HOUSE IN MALIBU AND SHE JUST NEEDS TO CONVINCE JILL. Also, FYI, Nikki was diagnosed with anxiety a while back, like most of us here at Autostraddle. We’re self-medicating as we speak, in fact.
Carly: Anxiety, give me a break.
Riese: Don’t we all.
Carly: Try being water-boarded, that’s hard. Sue Sylvester would BREAK her.
Nikki doesn’t wanna be like her Dad, who channeled his anxiety into evil, so she channeled her anxiety into being a strong woman who knows a fancy house when she sees one. Also, she’s got a good girl over there. Have you noticed? Amid the insanity; Jill is like, super rational and clear-headed and intelligent, I think.
Jill: “For me, the make or break is gonna be whether or not we can afford that.”
Riese: For me, the make or break is gonna be the verdict of the Prop 8 trial.
My Mother Always Had Shiny Bangs, So Now I Also Have Shiny Bangs
Because Jill & Nikki were unable to bring La Familia to The Family Episode, they’ve resorted to psychoanalyzing every chopped-up partial sentence they emote with family history.
Laneia: I don’t think I need a background story every time they make a ‘decision’. “When I was 5 my Dad got me a veggie wrap…”
Riese: … and then he died.”
Carly: I don’t get this, to be honest. Like, I wanna marry (or “marry”) Robin, but I would never spend money on an actual wedding. A party, sure, but a wedding? Think outside the box. Just to get real for a sec.
At this point, Mikey has no choice. She must attend a tranny dance party and have several cocktails. I quote:
Mikey: “There is nothing more interesting to me than being IN NEW YORK and going to A TRANNY CLUB.”
We have to agree ’cause that guy up there? With that Barbie doll committing suicide on his head? That man is keepsing it real. Please imagine this being read by basically a stereotype — imagine Big Gay Al reading this, is what I’m telling you.
Dollhead: “I love lesbians, they’re so nurturing. I wish I was a lesbian, it’d be so much fun. There’s no cattiness. Like there’s cunt, but no cuntyness? I love them. Lesbians are my favorite.”
Mikey’s Rule of Poker: “All I can do now at this point is just have a cocktail.”
Darling Forget About LA Fashion Week We Got Everything You Need Right Here
Carly: Wait where are they?! Tranny club?!?
Riese: Best part of the show so far
Carly: I WANT TO GO TO THERE. See, all this show needed was TRANNIES!
Mikey is lovin’ it! Mhm. Lots of drinking and dancing and over-enunciation! She’s got her mouth all pinched up like Grandma trying to say the word “lesbian”! (See that Ilene? I just brought it back around for you. Call me.)
Laneia: I am uncomfortable.
Carly: “Hi, I’m Mikey! Welcome to my downward spiral!”
Mikey says Raquel would love it because when she met Raquel, she thought Raquel was a tranny. Hahahaha! Let’s flashback!
Carly: “I never needed to see this interview again.”
It’s getting hot in here Mikey. It might be time to … WHOA BEAT ME TO IT WITH THAT BEATER, YA COUGAR!
Laneia: I will punch you for wearing that beater
Carly: Yes! No beaters!
Riese: Awwwww I like beaters on butchy girls.
Carly: Only at the beach.
Howevs, it looks like Mikey’s been up to her shoulders in a pail of tattoos:
Play that Funky Music, White Dyke
Mikey is stuffing male heads into her breasts and consuming many cocktails, inviting all the trannies to LA. If they showed up to LA Fashion Week, it’d save the show. Serious have you seen RuPaul’s Drag Race. Carly loves it. Do you see a theme here.
Lesbians. Always doing things that will make their girlfriends wanna kill them. Just like dudes!
Carly: YAY A DOG
Riese: YAY — Oh no.
What? It’s Cleaner Than Whitney and Nobody Complains When I Eat Her
Whitney says that Tor shouldn’t eat it because it is like eating poop, because of how close the asshole is to its head. Whitney has a monopoly on anatomy knowledge in general because of her extensive experiences with the naked triplet bodies.
Carly: Wait is she eating that? It’s alive.
Riese: Women –> dogs
Carly: Oh god.
Laneia: I’m sorry, I love Tor.
Carly: Oh my god.
Riese: Gay –> beastiality
Carly: Tor looks like she’s 12.
Laneia: Yes
Riese: Espesh with that dog in her mouth, because children like to do weird things to dogs.
Tor wants to punch Whitney in the face, or we want Tor to punch Whitney, I can’t remember.
Carly: “Tor come punch her in the face.”
Laneia: She just wiped her nose on her shirt sleeve! :-(
Carly: “I’d be glad to punch her in the face” yes! PUNCH HER DO IT TOR ! (I got the door, tor!) (Bring it on!)
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Dude I Met SO MUCH FASHION
Mikey comes home, thank g-d, drunk, raving about how she’s IN TROUBLEEEE and those were the best trannies she’s ever seen. The assistant says, “How about we go to bed.”
The next morning, what happens? Well, here’s Mikey!
Laneia: Yeah she looks like us on Pride Day.
Riese: Yes, when we missed the parade.
But G*d DAMN is Shanna on top of her shit. It’s 7 AM and she is ready to RALLY! She’s gonna let Mikey take it easy, like the Eagles song.
Carly: “take it easy” = “sleep and puke all day” She gets too drunk too! Just like us!
Laneia: It’s so REAL.
The Devil Wears a Wifebeater and Jeans to Bed
Riese: This always happens on Top Model
Carly: Poor assistant!
But shit seems to be going much better today and the clients all really like Shanna ’cause they can see her eyeballs. No offense against blind people, who can’t read this anyhow.
Riese: This is gonna be like that girl that became Jenny. Adele.
Laneia: YES.
Carly: OH MY GOD.
Riese: Maybe Shanna poisoned Mikey.
Laneia: Ftr though, we made it to that fucking parade eventually.
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Why Are the Restaurants I Pick ALWAYS EMPTY?
Tracy & Amy are having “brunch.” Tracy’s Mom would prefer Tracy be with a man, but would settle for a soft butch or gentle jungle animal or G-D FORBID A WOMAN. Tracy & Amy speak vaguely about Tracy’s feelings about her Mom’s refusal to talk to Tracy directly about Stamie.
Tracy: “Let’s say you’re in a relationship with Blake. You love Blake. You’re head over heels for Blake right? But like Mom doesn’t approve. How long would you go worrying about how it effected Mom?”
Amy: “As long as I needed because she’s 3,000 miles away!”
You cannot trespass that distance overnight, Tray-Tray. That’s why g*d invented Facebook. Tracy wants to stop walking on eggshells, and I salute her. I think Amy’s just speaking for herself, really, because as long as Mom doesn’t accept Tracy, maybe she’s still allowed to keep a safe distance from comfort herself.
ANI OHEVET OTCHA SO MUCH
Facebook connects us all like tiny ants in a web of antlands. For example, Nikki’s friend “reached out on Facebook” to ask about their wedding plans and HEY! HO! WHADDYA KNOW HE’S A RABBI! HE CAN MARRY THEM! At the end Nikki wishes him a good Shabbat, and they both blurt out “Shabbat Shalom” to show they haven’t forgotten when Shabbat happens. They hang up before anyone can make something up about having the Challah in the oven already.
Riese: Shabbat Shalom, fakers!
Carly: Oh jesus! They are as Jewish as I am!
Riese: Yes they are.
Carly: They had to like invent a Rabbi.
Riese: But they’re on top of the lingo.
BARUCH ATAH ADONAI I WANT MATZOH BALL SOUP
It’s a dog! He likes the Malibu house too I think.
Have I Told You Lately That I Love You
Jill points out that since The Law don’t care about their Commitment Ceremony, it’ll be nice to find a G-d who will care. That’s all that really matters, because the world is ending in 2012 either way.
I Married in the Sun
Nikki fell in love with the Malibu house. In her mind she’s writing a check for the house, and Jill is storming into Nikki’s dream with Lesbian Executive Realness. Jill wants to look at other options, I hope they do that off-camera.
Laneia: Are they yelling? About a house? A house?
Riese: The dogs are upset.
Our Mommies are Fighting
Carly: Why is she pushing so hard? THEY ARE UPSETTING THE DOGS. Come live with me, dogs.
Riese: Buddha is hurt. He wanted to be the rabbi.
Carly: Buddha tears.
Jill: “Are you in sales? What do you do for a living?”
Nikki: “Yes, I’m in sales.”
Jill says it’s supposed to be fun and if they’re gonna scream & yell it’s stupid and if it’s not fun then they shouldn’t get married ’cause you know, when the tax man comes, what’s the diff? They should just have a costume party. Buddha will come as Buddha, and I will be Lady Gaga.
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