Starsweep over the meadow and through the woods to The House of Sad and Clearing Fog, where Kacy and Cori are picking outfits for Whitney and Sarahara’s Tropical Jungle Circus Safari Wedding and talking about being Kacy and Cori again. It seems the doctor told Cori her pregnancy hormones were too low for the pregnancy to stick and apparently it has been unstuck and Cori is like ENOUGH ALREADY.
Cori: “I need a break from trying to get pregnant. Just not to have our lives revolve around pregnancy and sadness.”
Just in time for the cameras to go off! We were THISCLOSE to finding out what Kacy and Cori do for a living or what their favorite colors are. But first, Cori’s gotta have this conversation:
Cori: “What if things don’t work out with my body? How do you feel about? – you know?”
Kacy: “I would do it for you.”
Cori: “Would you want to, though? ‘Cause if you don’t wanna do it, I don’t want you to do it, we can adopt, you know, there are other ways. I’m not giving up on myself just yet.”
Kacy: “I’m not giving up on you either. And I am not offering. That is not something that’s gonna come out of my mouth.”
Kacy likes to keep tight control on what comes in and out of her orifices:
Kacy: “This is something she’s wanted to do for her whole life. And if Cori wanted to be a dancer and she broke her leg, I wouldn’t suddenly step into her recitals and just do her dance moves for her. Like, the girl can do it. She’s just gonna need a little bit more help caring, and I’m never gonna take that away from her until she decides that that’s something she doesn’t wanna pursue anymore.”
I transcribed this next bit for my girlfriend to use when the doctor tells me that years of drugging and debauchery have destroyed my ovaries and that she’s our only hope for birthing a genetic child:
Kacy: “Me personally, I have a very lose relationship with my vagina. We check in every so often, I’m not really in touch with my cycle, my period always surprises me, and if I got pregnant, I would have to be like in a one-on-one relationship with my vagina, and it’s scary, there’s something coming out of you and it’s scary! But I would do it, if she wanted me to do it, I would do it.”
Oh, the period, just like the little plastic castle, can so often be a surprise every time. Or so I hear from my intimate special friend roommate activity partner.
Cori wants to stop tweeting — I mean EATING — her feelings, specifically Oreos, and I wanna start eating more Oreos and Kacy wants to go to the beach, and I wanna go to Disneyworld, and Cori wants to go to the gym, and I went to the gym on Wednesday, and Kacy wants to go on a zipline, and I wanna unzip my pants or somebody else’s pants, and Cori wants to focus on Cori, and I want to focus on Romi, and this is a nice scene. It feels, you know, “real.”
Kacy: “We need to figure out who we are, again. right? ‘Cause we were ‘Kacy and Cori the couple trying to get pregnant’ and then we were ‘Kacy and Cori the couple who is pregnant,’ and now we’re back to being ‘Kacy and Cori the couple trying to get pregnant, and, I think we just need some time to be Kacy and Cori again.”
Fuck that’s wise.
Kacy: “I’m just tired of being the really sad couple.”
Cori: “Me too.”
Kacy: “So let’s be the couple who whisks away to Paris on the weekend. That’s real sexier than the sad little lesbians knitting and writing at home. Right?”
I suppose that depends on whether or not you check out EuroDisney.
Smear on over to The Almost-Marrieds, enjoying oxygen and light in Los Angeles, California, the city I’m driving to today as soon as I get this recap up! Not for the wedding though. For camp! Anyhow, the wedding is tomorrow and the girls are giddy with joy.
All this stress and happiness has driven Sarahara completely batshit crazy:
Sara: “I feel like the inside of my body is gonna jump out of my body and then there’s gonna be a little bodysuit lying there.”
Whitney: “Ugh, that’s a horrible image!”
Sara: “If I could just rip —”
Whitney: “Just a skin suit hanging out on the ground?”
Sara: “If I could zip myself down and then crawl out of my body and then run really fast and then jump– really high and like go crazy and like shake my head —
Whitney: “What the fuck has just happened?”
All this body bag talk has driven Sarahara to a state I’m very familiar with:
Whitney is tossing the puppy around in her dexterious fingers when a raven arrives with a message for Lady Sara Bettencourt!
What’s the news?
Sara: “Romi’s in Vegas right now getting married!”
Whitney: “What? To Kelsey? I don’t understand?”
Sara: “No, to that dude.”
Whitney: “Which dude? Which one?”
Sara: “That fucking Dusty guy.”
YANNOW, THIS GUY:
Sara’s super-close to accidentally unzipping her body, running really fast and jumping out the window with a giant sword aimed at Romi’s fauxhawk. She interviews:
Sara: “I just got the news that Romi is getting married, I am shocked like really you’re getting married? Why do you have to get married the same time that we’re getting married? It’s awkward, there’s something off about it and it doesn’t seem right and it’s obvious that Romi literally will go to any length or extreme to get one up on us. You’re so competitive, like get over yourself.”
Sarahara leaps immediately to Terror Level Blood Red as Whitney attempts to mitigate the situation, hoping not to lose her bride to the Energy Suck that is Romi Klinger. But Sarahara absolutely cannot move forward until Romi knows that Sara knows that Romi is an idiot. I stand behind this decision 100%.
Yup, Sara’s just gotta point out what I pointed out when Meredith Grey and McDreamy or whatever literally skipped Callie and Arizona’s lesbian wedding to go get married at city hall so they could adopt this baby they just met that day and it was NBD while Callie had been all torn up about her family refusing to attend —
Sara: “I need her to know that I know she’s an idiot.”
Although I’ve never been an enthusiastic passenger on the “straight people having quickie weddings in Vegas are ruining the sanctity of marriage” train, by intentionally marrying Dusty the same weekend Whitney and Sarahara are marrying (just in time to get their wedding into Season Three!) — the juxtaposition is a little hard to swallow.
Sara: “If anyone is ruining the sanctity of marriage, it is not gay people. It is people like her who go and get married on a whim just because they can.”
Pre-established rancor towards Ms.Klinger-Ray aside, when Sara’s been battling with her mother for months to get her to approve, let alone be excited about, Sara’s wedding to another lady, I can imagine Romi’s news feels like a sucker punch to the face.
Also, Romi stole this idea from Grey’s Anatomy, and it’s gonna be stupid just like it was in Grey’s Anatomy and obviously the lesbian wedding is gonna be better even without Requisite Disapproving Parent because the lesbian wedding has two girls in it, and the straight wedding only has one girl in it, and everybody knows that two girls are better than one girl, because girls are better than everything else in the world, except string cheese.
Thus we smear on down to Las Vegas, Nevada, a city chock-full of delicious buffets, naked ladies, sin, tacky replicas of other more awesome cities and neon plastic souvenir cups, where Romi and Dusty have travelled to see Criss Angel Believe Cirque du Soleil and/or Thunder From Down Under — oh wait. No, never mind. They’ve traveled to Las Vegas to get married on television!
Romi interviews that she’d always dreamed of having a “Vegas wedding.” Who wants one of those proper weddings where all of those people come with their outfits and haircuts and feelings and personalities and those sounds they make with their mouths?
Laneia: i always dreamed of my wedding being in a conch shell
Riese: i always dreamed of my wedding being at The Thunder Down Under
I assume the hotel knew who Romi was, as she and Dusty appear to have checked in uneventfully and are getting down to the sexual hugging business.
Barely satiated by the vertical sexual hug, Droomi transitions this situation into a horizontal mambo…
…but just when Dusty and Romi are about to perform their mid-afternoon ritual of “drawing pictures of themselves while masturbating,” Romi gets a text from that bitch Sara.
Romi reads the text out loud: “Good luck on your big day! Glad you finally found true love and that you have the opportunity to share it with the world. You get to demonstrate how easy it is for straight couples to marry on a whim. Especially during one of the biggest gay rights movements of our time.” In other other words:
Dusty: “What does she want you to do?”
Romi: “She wants me to um, not be happy, she wants me to —”
Dusty: “She wants you to do her job for her?”
Romi: “Yeah. I thought her and Whitney were leading the gay marriage movement. That’s really sweet that she made the effort to text me today.”
Dusty: “I mean whatever.” [tries to kiss her]
Romi: “She’s texted me like three times since that last meeting that she told me I was an awful businessperson and now I’m awful because I’m with a man. I’m a horrible human being for loving you.”
Laneia: no, you’re awful because you’re a narcissistic troll
dusty’s awful because of his facial hair
Dusty: “You’re terrible.”
At some point we’d be inclined to let her have it. Okay, for whatever reason or personality disorder, Romi clearly needs to believe it’s her sexual orientation that’s turned the world off, not her attitude, the crappy things she says about lesbians (“I got tired of the strap-on not working,” for example), her narcissism and the way she treats other people. But the thing is that this same-sex marriage thing still is a real battle and honestly, Romi, if you truly gave a flying shit about same-sex marriage — as you claim to, and as I believe you once truly did — you wouldn’t be so eager to jump on teevee or The Huffington Post to badmouth your entire community, broadcasting to the world that all the lesbians who claim to believe in equality are actually just hypocrites who shun their own bisexual sisters when said sisters have relationships with men. Even if it was true — which it isn’t — if your top priority was your community and not yourself, you’d keep that on the DL. I’d like to quote Romi Klinger, who once wrote, “There is too much judgment in the world right now.”
Romi: “I think the fact that she went out of her way to text me on my wedding day — like that day of all days, is just incredibly mean and it shows what kind of person she is and I think it’s really funny that people think I’m supposed to be marching some gay movement. I’m in love, I didn’t know that it was wrong to marry someone I’m in love with and I didn’t know by marrying someone I’m very much in love with that I was letting down the entire gay community. I think it’s very ignorant and judgmental.”
This is a monumentally confusing monologue, considering nobody ever told Romi that it’s wrong to marry someone she’s in love with or that she was letting down “the entire gay community” by getting married. That would be such a silly thing to say! That’s why nobody said that! I think what Sara is saying is GET OUT OF MY WEDDING EPISODE.
Riese: OH MY FUCKING GOD
Laneia: so
Riese: this is so gross
nobody said she was ‘letting down the entire gay community’
i hate that i have to write about her
Laneia: only a straight person would fall on her side of this conversation
real talk
riese: no really, only a stupid person
Really, at this point, I almost wanna give myself a trigger warning before her scenes ’cause attempting to deconstruct the logic of her delusional arguments really makes me feel like I’m digging back in to the epic five-page email drafts I never sent to my bipolar ex-girlfriend and borderline personality disordered ex-best-friend when they were really sick and saying things that didn’t make sense.
Romi was supposed to be my girl! She’s the first character I’ve ever known of who, like me, lost her father to an untimely death and won’t ever get over it and who, like me, has a queer Mom and who, like me, once dated both men and women (and tends to go for boyish girls and girlish boys) and who, like me, is tall, and who, like me, has been known to have sex for all the wrong reasons and who, like me, doesn’t know how to put on makeup. Was I digging for a reason to dislike Romi’s character this season? No. No I was not.
In other words:
Hey hey, the bands all here!
I’ve been waiting all season to say that. I haven’t been able to because somebody is always late.
In any event, Hunter Valentine and the Huntettes have invaded Hollywood City with their New York Cool in order to attend Whitney and Sarahara’s My Little Pony Sparklequeen Wedding on Magic Mountain. Amanda asks if she should take Vero and Laura to The Abbey when Kiyomi arrives so Lauren can “get it in.”
Lauren interviews that she’s stoked to chill with Kiyomi’s band-mates, ’cause she wants to bang Vero. Just kidding I got Lauren confused with YOU, reader! No, she wants to chill with them ’cause that Laura chick is always flashing her tits or something. The band arrives and Kiyomi and Lauren’s lips and tongues are drawn to each other like radioactive magnets and it’s kinda adorable.
Lauren, Kiyomi and Amanda, giddy like teenagers getting their picture taken at the pool on the first day of summer, treat us to a groupsex interview:
Amanda: “When I first met Kiyomi I actually really didn’t like her, I was like, this girl’s a dumb bitch.”
Amanda: “No, we’ve warmed up to each other, do you think so, Kiyomi-ha?”
Kiyomi: “As much as you can warm up to an ice queen.”
Props to Amanda, Amanda gets the “Keeping It Real” award for Season Three. Kiyomi interviews that she’s pumped for Lauren to move to New York City. They can drink frozen hot chocolate at Serendipity and go skating at Rockefeller Center and get a tan on Ellis Island, it’ll be a blast! I mean, “some people might look at it and be like you’re moving across the country and you guys just started dating, but I don’t think it’s that unreasonable of a thing to want to live in the same city as the person you’re dating.”
Anyhow, Amanda’s had enough of this nonsense —
Amanda: “We don’t wanna listen to you guys have sex so we’re going to the Abigail!”
Left to their own devices, Lauren and Kiyomi settle in to a pod of awwwww, exchanging sweet somethings about loving each other or whatever and then Kiyomi’s insulin monitor goes off to alert her it’s been two hours since she last said the word “Tour,” so they joke about Lauren coming along for the ride.
Kiyomi: “There’s kind of like an unwritten rule in the band where girlfriends don’t come on tour, the whole Yoko Ono thing. I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”
Me neither.
Laneia: don’t you think lauren smells like cucumbers
and like, ice
Riese: but sweet
sweet ice cucumber
Laneia: this is SO CUTE and sweet
let’s just have koraci and lauromi show
lauiomi
riese: those are cute shipper names
lauiomi
Laneia: layimoi
riese: “lay me”
Like so:
Fun fact: Kiyomi has pierced nipples!
Starsweep deep into the Beautiful Valleys of the Los Angeles Metro Area, where Whitney and Sara are taking their guests on a tour of the wedding location, which’s almost as exciting as looking at pictures of expensive places you can never visit in Travel & Leisure magazine while waiting for a root canal, except Scarlet’s there.
Riese: oh i wish we’d gotten to see them check out all the locations
Laneia: right???
like why did they choose this place
Riese: that would’ve been thrilling
Laneia: what were the other options
Riese: i wish we could’ve seen them pick out tablecloth
Laneia: what were the chandeliers like there?
i mean i need to know so i can have full feelings
right now i’m just having half feelings
Riese: do they think we’re just gonna have feelings about some random shit on the table without any backstory
Laneia: yes exactly
They’ll be tying the knot at a luxurious SoCal vineyardish situation, a lovely chunk of land covered in grass and other plant life, sitting beneath a huge dome of blue sky, surrounded by oxygen and bird life. Whitney interviews that it’s the perfect venue ’cause there are mountains and orchards, just like in the sequel to Chekhov’s “Two Lesbians Get Married in The Cherry Orchard But With Mountains Also.”
Then Sarahara shows up with her familia and because weddings are a toddler’s time to shine, Sarahara releases a few little things from the wedding clown car for our visual delight.
As the nieces cozy up to Whitney’s dashing mane, Sarahara notes that her mother is already crying, which isn’t how she imagined Mrs. Sara and Ms. Whitney meeting for the first time. You know that feeling, when you’re introducing someone you love to someone else you love and you wish you could precede their introduction with a giant banner announcing SHE’S NOT NORMALLY LIKE THIS, I SWEAR.
Sara: “I want my mom to accept that I love this woman and that I’m going to marry her.”
Sarahara interviews that she hopes Whitney’s Mom can inspire her Mom to be more enthusiastic about Lesbians, and they start strong when Mrs. Sara tells Ms. Whitney that they’re “in love” with her daughter, just like Sara and the webmaster of fuckyeahwhitneymixter dot tumblr dot com.
Sara: “[Whitney’s Mom is] very liberal, she’s really sweet, I think that she’s approachable and you know, my mom can see that she’s doing okay and her daughter is also getting married and her daughter is also gay and she can see a different perspective of someone else going through the same thing.”
Mrs. Sara tells Ms.Whitney that it’s been hard, harder for her than for her husband and that “these last two months have not been easy.” Telling the rest of Sara’s family, for example, was not easy. For starters, nobody even knew Sarahara was gay! Why didn’t they know?
Mhm. Mrs. Sara notes that Sara’s lesbianism was a “big big surprise” for them, unlike she imagines it was for Mr. and Ms. Whitney, who probs knew Whitney was gay when she was a tiny tot. Ms. Whitney is like, WHAT YOU THINK MY DAUGHTER IS A MAN!?! Just kidding, she says they knew Whitney was different when she was just three years old and couldn’t get her tiny fist out of that peach. Just kidding! She says, “when Whitney was three years old we realized that she was gonna be different.” That’s a nice way to put it.
