Real L Word 304 Recap: Scissor Sisters Meet Tongue Twisters

I hope you still know the way to San Jose, ’cause we’re back there for more of this show’s most exciting trope ever — WEDDING PLANNING!

when you’re good to mama, mama’s good to you

The Newly Engayged Couple is eager to get this wedding underway before the end of the season, and have thus far made no progress. Sarahara offers: “Where do even begin? What do you order first? What do you do?” Sarahara’s mother notices that her idiot daughter and Klingon fiancé are staring introspectively at an empty notebook and gets her glasses on to plan the hell out of this unit.

Mrs. Sara: “So how are the things?”
Whitney: “The most important part we’ve determined is the location. It’s gonna be outdoors.”
Mrs. Sara: “But don’t you call before to come here, you know, already a couple places or no?”
Sara: [lying] “Yeahhh….”
Whitney: “Ummm…”
Sara: “We have to figure it out still, we don’t know but we have to figure it out by the end of the weekend and you will be the first to know.”
Whitney: “And then we have a lot more empty pages.” [flips through a completely empty “wedding planning’ notebook.]
Mrs. Sara: “Yeah, I can see that.”

Sarahara interviews that luckily, her Mom is The Portugese Martha Stewart and just like Martha, cannot help herself but to organize and re-organize this event’s melon balls, cake toppers and customized wedding invitations. This’ll enable Mom to focus less on the “lesbian” part of “lesbian wedding” and more on the “wedding” part and therefore solve everything, because the family that crafts together, stays together.

either this wedding is gonna take place in a kiddie pool of creamed corn or you’re gonna let mama take over, mmk

Sara: “My mom, I think she’s happy, I really do. I think that she thinks she’s not supposed to be happy, and I think she’s battling with that. It’s a journey for her as well that I think she needs to grow from it ultimately I think it’s a good thing.”

This is around the time that my dearest friend Laneia got cable to work and began offering me her commentary via g-chat.

me: WEDDING PLANNING IS NOT INTERESTING
Laneia: mom actually seems interested and ok with everything
am i crazy
OH they’ve found her kryptonite
CLEVER
CLEVER SISTERS
yes napkins
bars
sweets?
riveting
probs tent it
 me: TENT IT
tent the hell out of that unit
 Laneia: shoulder cuddling
getting a lot of endorsement here

just wait ’til you meet whitney’s mom

The “coming out to Mom” storyline is a Real L Word favorite as many cast members over the years have found success by sticking a camera in their parent’s face and informing the parent that anything they say can and will appear on National Television. Despite the show’s consistently alarming lack of women of color, however, it seems that mothers of color are the show’s absolute favorite types of mothers to subject to single-episode coming out arcs: Tracy’s Mom, Francine’s Mom, Sajdah’s Mom and now Sara’s Mom. I don’t know what to make of that, but there it is.

L to R, clockwise from bottom left: Whitney’s Mom, Tracy’s Mom, Francine’s Mom, Sajdah’s Mom, Sara’s Mom

We thus swish on over to a Los Angeles Chinese Restaurant, circa December 2011, where Romi is meeting up with Kelsey to discuss their future on this television program I MEAN THE FUTURE OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP.

and this girl’s lower third is about to change

Kelsey interviews that despite a prior opportunity to suck face with Lauren Bedford Russell, she just can’t get over Romi:

Kelsey: “As long as Romi’s in my life it would be hard for me to move on and be with anyone else. I love her and me and her always have this chemistry, it’s undeniable.”

but oh, what can i say, i adore you

Kelsey is so thrilled to be dining with Romi that her face nearly pops out of her skin, and it’s adorable, really, almost. Like she’s just so happy. Romi assures Kelsey that she dumped Jay, not the other way around, and also mentions some text messages Kelsey has apparently been sending her, messages saying things like “He’s not the one” and “Whether you like it or not, you’re gonna be back with me.”

Romi: “I got it like, oh my god, this girl is like, in love with me, and is like persistent and doesn’t give up, and that’s like, I love you for that.”

like, even when my hair looks like this and despite the fact that i will one day invent dustyandromi.tumblr.com

So essentially Romi loves Kelsey for loving her, and Kelsey seems okay with this even if I’m not. Romi interviews that clam-diving with Kelsey is what she needs right now ’cause Kelsey always loves her and “brings a comfort” to her life.  She then informs Kelsey that next time they break up temporarily, ’cause they inevitably will, that Kelsey’s not allowed to sleep with other girls ’cause then they “come at” Romi. “You better keep it in your damn pants,” she says. But…

Kelsey: “I’m horny.”
Romi: “You’re horny? You’re always horny.”

My how the tables have turned.

Back in San Jose, Whitney is reassuring the Bettencourts that she and Sarahara are planning a pit stop at the nearest Barnes & Noble to acquire stacks upon stacks of wedding magazines and therefore they’ll likely have the whole she-bang planned before they get off I-5. Then Whitney interviews that she thinks Sarahara’s parents are turning around and it was a good visit.

the mother wanted to return the affectionate gesture to her daughter, but didn’t want a chunk of stupid hat in her mouth

We smear on over to East Williamsburg, where Amanda and Lauren and their camera crew have clearly overtaken the entire back garden of Huckleberry Bar, enabling Lamanda to peck at each other verbally in relative privacy. Amanda wants a nap, Lauren says they’ve only got a few more days in New York AND THEY HAVEN’T EVEN SEEN ELLIS ISLAND YET and Amanda re-states her desire to nap and Lauren tells Amanda that she’s being a Deb. Woof.

yeah well i look good and you’re all fake and crazy, so how do you like dem apples

Somehow in this desolate bar apparently occupied by not one but two Real L Word storylines, Amanda spots a familiar face across the ‘room.’

Amanda: “I know that girl. She’s in a really bad band.”

and here i thought it’d be hoobastank

Laneia was 100% positive that this scene was taking place way too early in the morning for this kind of sexual innuendo:

Laneia: what the hell fucking time is it
it looks like 8am
i mean why are you hungover and in public
go back to bed

Lauren thinks they’re cute, so Amanda calls them over — sidenote, these sorts of scenes make me crazy ’cause you can’t, genuinely, randomly run into other cast members, as we’re so often led to believe, because cast members ARE ALSO BEING FOLLOWED MY CAMERA CREWS, which tends to be a bit of a giveaway. Anyhow, Hunter Valentine, minus Somer, eagerly sit down with Lamanda and say they’re hungover and have just returned from Tour.

fancy meeting you and your boom guy here

Amanda and Lauren share an anecdote about exposing their matching scissoring tattoos to their BOTOX LADY (seriously, IDK with these people) earlier that day, bla bla bla sugar rainbows and fairy bread and honestly — BORED.

I think of the three terrible seasons of this show, Season Two was probably the most engaging, particularly ’cause it had weirdos like Claire and Sajdah who kept saying weird funny things. This season every storyline seems to hover somewhere around a Level Francine. I mean, I’ve become mildly obsessed with Romi because she’s the only one I imagine could do something unpredictable this season! That’s sad.

Kiyomi: “So I sit down with Lauren and Amanda. My first impression is that Lauren is pretty hot but it seems like Lauren and Amanda probably hooked up before.”

Kiyomi asks if people always assume they’re dating, and Lauren shares — WAIT ARE YOU SITTING DOWN FOR THIS — okay, sit down. Seriously, sit down, pour yourself an Iced Tea.

Okay, good. Ready? Are you sure you’re ready? Okay. Here we go:

Lauren: “We’ve never been single since we met each other, ’til now.”

!!!!

Anyhow, Amanda ditches the Pretty Party for a nap, leaving Lauren alone with the Indie Punk Rock Hipster Dykes. Clearly sexual tension is lighting the skyspace between Lauren and Kiyomi.

omg the talking baby on the e*trade commercial gets me every time!

Both Laura and Kiyomi have their eye on Lauren:

Laura: “My first impression of Lauren is that she’s absolutely gorgeous and I think I’m gonna start drinking as much as possible right now to calm the nerves and then, I dunno, try to make a move or something.”

perhaps hitting kiyomi over the head with a giant iron pot would be the best move i could make in this situation

We cut to maybe four months earlier in Long Beach, where Kelsey is moving back in with Romi, since that worked out so well the first time! Apparently, Kelsey’s been shacking up with Mom and Dad since the breakup, and Romi doesn’t need somebody’s parents telling her when she can see her girlfriend.

it’s a gun rack

So far, so good:

Kelsey: “I hate the wind.”
Romi: “Baby, walk. OWW!!”
Kelsey: “Honey!”
Romi: “OW THAT HURTS MY HAND!”
Kelsey: “Let go!”
Romi: “Just pull at the back babe!”
Kelsey: “You’re acting crazy.”

and also the moon,and rain, and sunshine through the clouds, and clouds in general, and also fog, and dawn and hurricaines

Romi, sporting a look reminiscent of the crackhead who’s always hanging out at the Happy Sudz Laundromat, watches Kelsey unpack her suitcases as they discuss their relationship.

Kelsey: “It feels different, doesn’t it?”
Romi: “Yeah. Hopefully! We went through a lot this year.”
Kelsey: “You seem like a different person to me.”
Romi: “‘Cause I’m sober and I’m older and I’m classier.”
Kelsey: “And sexier.”

in fact, i only eat soft foods now and for fun i either play bingo or prank call my grandchildren

Romi recalls that Kelsey went “went Girls Gone Wild” on her post-breakup ’cause she had to learn what Romi already knew about the scene, or whatever — one must sow one’s wild oats before one can truly settle down with a 12-grain loaf. What’s funny, of course, is how rarely this works out for lesbians; how quickly one tends to settle down despite all intentions to the contrary.

it’s only temporary, kelsey, after we’re together for two months you can move out of the closet into the master bedroom

Tension in the room escalates as Kelsey registers a complaint about what Romi’s been doing since they broke up:

Romi: “Fool please I would rather be at a straight club with my boyfriend than at every gay club every night with every woman—”
Kelsey: “Okay—”
Romi: “—like a certain somebody I know—”
Kelsey: “So why aren’t you with your boyfriend now, asshole?”
Romi: [laughs]
Kelsey: “I’m gonna fuck you up. You’d rather be with your boyfriend?”
Romi: “Yeah, rather than in the gay clubs with all those fucking thirsty whores! You had to go through it, you had to figure it out for yourself.”
Kelsey: “And you figured out that being with that douchebag guy —”
Romi: “Don’t call him a douchebag.”
Kelsey: “Oh, sorry, you love him.”
Romi: “Oh my G-d, Kelsey Grace.”
Kelsey: “I can call him whatever the hell I want.”
Romi: “Baby.”

Kelsey interviews that she doesn’t wanna hear about Romi and Jay’s relationship or Jay’s ballsack. “It’s hard being with somebody who’s bisexual. Like really bisexual. Like if the girl wants dick, that’s not something I can give her.” But Kelsey gave Romi some dick last week, didn’t she? Blah blah.

especially one who says things like “i got tired of the strap-on not working”

Laneia: i wish kelsey was being played by alex
me: ditto
Laneia: you are not an adult
me: #ihatethewind
Laneia: i hope k got paid at least $200 for this staged-ass bullshit
BABE
me: jeez
this show makes me say ‘jeez’ a lot.
Laneia: fuck me this is so fake
i will die from fake

We take the 1-605 North to I-15 North to I-70 East to I-80 East to I-280 East to I-80 East and back to I-280 East again to County Road 644/Newark Ave to Tonnele Ave to I-78 East through the Holland Tunnel to Laight Street to Canal Street to Centre Street to Kenmare Street to Delancey Street to the Williamsburg Bridge to Havemeyer Street to Borinquen Plaza to Grand Street, where Kiyomi and Lauren are exchanging cryptic bits of information regarding their relationship status. Lauren gets up to hit the loo and the girls lay it out on the table — they both wanna bang Lauren, but Laura’s not sure she’s got the time:

i have a lot of tours to prepare for, etc.

All this talk of not-girlfriends reminds Kiyomi she owes Ali a phone call, so she leaves Lauren alone with Laura, and Laura goes straightfoward on her ass —

Laura: “I find you attractive and so does Kiyomi and so I think that um, we were trying to figure — we’re best friends, so we don’t wanna — [looks at Lauren] — and you’re checking your phone so I don’t know if you’re nervous or if you’re not interested in either…”
Lauren: “I’m not saying anything. Hello, where is everyone?”

Eek.

so we’re gonna both take off all our clothing, demonstrate our fisting techniques, and let you decide for yourself who gets a rose and who goes home defeated

Kiyomi, after kinda-sorta-half-promising Ali she’d be on her way to wherever Ali is going, returns to the table with four shots of tequila, which the three nervous nellies eagerly down and Vero politely sips before stuffing a lime in her mouth. Kiyomi interviews that she’s supposed to go meet Ali but “just can’t” because she wants to be around Lauren instead.

it’s “not-girlfriend,” showtime, NOT GIRLFRIEND

Time moves forward like sand through the hourglass and look! Lauren and Kiyomi are outside the bar nervously flirting when suddenly Laura shows up, shirt unbuttoned, bright red Gilligan O’Malley bra peeking out from beneath the fabric folds of her black shirt — but not for long! Laura takes off her shirt:

“butch girls always have the biggest tits” – julie goldman

Vero speaks the truth:

Vero: “I walk outside and Laura is naked. People act up in so many different ways, and if you want to impress Lauren, this is not a way to impress her.”

my feelings exactly

Vero attempts to save her friend…

you can still turn back, it’s not too late

While Kiyomi attempts to capture this moment for all of eternity…

gotta capture this on film

Laura then removes her bra and begins posing for photographs with passers-by, eventually also removing her pants, which slide nonchalantly down her hips along with her dignity.

me: oh no
Laneia: this is when this happens
me: ohnonononono
nonononomn

fulfilling her contractual duty to get naked at least once on camera

Kiyomi: “I never expected for my day to end with my best friend walking around topless in the streets of Brooklyn, but when you have a best friend like Laura you never really know what’s gonna happen. Ever.”

there once was a boy named pierre…

Laneia: intervention
shit kiyomi has the tiniest calves
YOU NEVER KNOW what will happen
me: marni just left
Laneia: will she turn into a goldfish
will she do a handstand
me: def both
Laneia: will she wash her hair
YOU NEVER KNOW
What do you think about this, Marissa?

The end!

Next week the entire crew hits up the fabulous Dinah Shore Weekend!

Laneia: dinahhhhh
!!!!!!!!!!
you can not
fist
a cat
you know what ruins dinah?
besides a broken foot
?
dinah
dinah ruins dinah
me: dinah is the ruin of dinah
dinah is dinah’s own afterbirth
i can’t believe they made kacy & cori go to dinah
Laneia: ok i’m going to finish off this wine and think about all the things that have brought me to this point in life. and watch full metal jacket.