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Mikey
Mikey’s re-reading her daily affirmations to the camera: “Me and Raquel don’t get to spend enough time together because we both work, my clients are depending on me to produce a great event.” WHAT EVENT MIKEY? IT BETTER BE A STAR TREK CONVENTION AND YOU ARE GOING AS GEORDI LAFORGE OTHERWISE I SEE NO EXCUSE FOR YOUR PERSISTENT EYEWEAR.
These are the only characters allowed to wear impenetrable eyewear ALL THE TIME:
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However, if Geordi LaForge applied to The Real L Word, I think they’d say. “HEY, those sunglasses are problematic, maybe we should cast someone else with transparent or non-existent eyeglasses so we can actually see your face and what you’re thinking!” She even types in sunglasses!
Anyhoo.
Back to this magical event! WHAT EVENT IS IT MIKEY?
Riese: If she says LA FASHION WEEK one more time, I am quitting.
Laneia: Add it to the drinking game!
Riese: Every time Mikey says “LA Fashion Week,” take a drink. Done.
BE PREPARED
Laneia: That is a SHIRT
Riese: That shirt is not kidding around
That shirt is ready to hike and make knots for the soap-box derby as soon as they find a space somewhere in the wildlands of Los Angeles to host LA Fashion Week! Mikey says Ian, the best production guy in the buasiness, will find a solution for everything. He will produce the hell out of this unit, so to speak.
Riese: She should just have LA fashion week at her apartment. How many people could really be coming you know?
Laneia: No, that’s a good idea. someone could bring cheese and crackers.
Riese: Timeless snack.
The B-Team
Shanna tells Mikey not to stress as they trek about 100 feet to “the space.” I bet it’s like MySpace! Drumroll…
TA-DA!
LOOK! IT’S SO FASHION! WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Riese: Parking lot?
Laneia: Wat. This is a parking lot.
Riese: I believe this is where one might park one’s car.
Laneia: But once you add the disco ball, it’s ON.
Riese: But where would everyone park?
Mikey says it’s a GREAT SPOT but if they use an outdoor location, they’d have to “tent” the entire space, which costs like, three wedding dresses. “Tenting” is like a dental dam, but for large, paved, outdoor spaces.
IT WAS EVEN MORE PERFECT THAN MY PENIS!
Mikey narrates like this is a National Geographic Special on Kings of The Jungle. If it was, perhaps Mikey would have a bigger budget for this particular event.
Riese: Swear to g*d, they can have it in my basement. I have a really big basement, Mikey. Call me. $500.
Laneia: Maybe Mikey should be dating a hair stylist, not a makeup artist?
Mikey spends most of her precious minutes today on the phone and in her office, doing important things. It’s like The Office, but without jokes.
This is all you need to know:
This sign inspires Mikey:
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Mikey asking “How are we gonna pull this off?” is being added to our drinking game, because it’s her favorite question. Look, blow job face:
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Laneia: She’s talking to someone about someone who was in Bon Jovi, which is such a buttfuck.
Riese: She talks like she’s a storyteller at the library.
Laneia: Next Rod Stewart’s gonna walk in and rip a hole in the space/time continuum…
Riese: …and probs also the fourth wall
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This is Mikey “pitching a client.”
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How big is the tent gonna be Mikey?
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How cool will Fashion Week be even if you have to hold it on MySpace?
The tent for the Parking Lot of Pleasure would cost $20,000, and then they’d have to serve Kool-Aid instead of Sofia Coppola Champagne at the event. So therefore they need to find a new space. Space is fascinating. Unfortunately Mikey “cannot make the sky rain money” so.
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Riese: She is really stressed out about this tent!
Laneia: Does she mean “make it rain” like rappers?
Riese: Yes.
Laneia: Like when rappers say ‘make it rain’?
Riese: Yes.
Laneia: Or like, real rain?
Riese: It’s my window, I can’t stand the rain.
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Mikey can write on a whiteboard with her sunglasses on:
That’s all.
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Laneia: I wish I had a .mp3 of Cookie Monster saying “FAAAASHIOOON WEEEEEK”
Riese: Me too, let’s call Cookie Monster tomorrow.
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Rose
That’s all of the Days You Know. All of Them.
The house is a mess, says Rose! It’s the worst it’s ever been! On a scale of one to ten, it seems only slightly dirtier than Michael Bluth’s cardboard condo.
Nat’s gotta take a break from hairstyling. It’s time to take a step back from the Manic Panic and evaluate what she “really wants,” which is apparently a formal contract of indentured servitude with that chick in the beanie. Maybe. Until Natalie signs on howevs, Rose is in limbo, not to be confused with that place you go before hell.
Laneia: Natalie has the unique ability to look 19 one minute and 30 the next. I RELATE.
Riese: Just as Rose has the unique ability to look like a 1 on Alex’s masculine scale one minute and a 12 the next.
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ACTUALLY: One thing I do like about this show — perhaps the only thing! — is that the women on it seem to reflect a gender-flexible style that I recognize because most of my friends are like that too — we can do a dress or a suit. That’s maybe the most interesting aspect of the “100-footer” question, in fact. Anyhow. Back to life, back to reality.
Rose & her Dad head on over to a “lesbian wedding reception” ’cause Dad’s got a lezzie friend and comfortable with lesbianism.” In the car over, for the bajillionth time, Rose says she and her Mom haven’t been speaking for many months but doesn’t tell us why. It’s nice to see Rose’s relationship with her father and their dynamics.
BUT HARK A CLUE: Mom & Dad broke up while Rose was still a fetus, so it’s not Rose’s fault. And Mom still talks to Angel, Rose’s ex, who I believe is prohibited by law to come within 100 feet of Rose, lest Rose spot her attitude and sensuality and lesbianism, as she is wont to do.
Laneia: Rose calls Natalie, ‘Angel’?
Riese: No, Angel is her ex. You know Angel, from RENT.
Laneia: OH RIGHT.
Today for You, Tomorrow For Me!
Natalie’s gonna meet up with them later after work but in the meantime, this joint is JUMPIN’! Turn up the music!
Look! It’s the happy couple! I love the tinsel in the hair look, seriously:
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Please Let This Be You One Day Please Get Married Dear Please Do It Now
It appears that the reception is being held in the gym of the Jewish Community Center in Michigan where I attended day camp. Well not the “gym” gym, but like the half-gym that used to be a gym. Now it’s just a FIESTA SPACE. Mikey should check this spot out for LA Fashion Week.
This Party is Less Exciting Than The Parties on Skins
Disaster strikes when Nat gets lost, and calls Rose so they can yell at each other about it, which is not cool ’cause Dad was in he middle of talking about how Rose & Nat should get married so they can party with these kids.
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Laneia: Oh, baby’s lost. I RELATE TO THIS MOMENT
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Nat tries to bust up the Stability Agenda with her feelings, and Dad tries to cool the fight, and Nat says she can’t put a smile on her face when her face is upset.
It’s Fine, There’s Punch Inside That Will Kill Us All
Nat is unable to check her attitude, despite Rose’s suggestion that she check her attitude and have respect for her Dad and, you know, the balloon gate someone spent a long time building and stuff. Nat can’t have a smile on her face because the music is loud and she wants to go home.
From 100 Feet Away, I Can Still See Your Cleavage
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Laneia: Natalie needs a good cry. Maybe some fresh lip gloss. GIRL I KNOW.
Riese: Natalie is being so whiny. I think the honest feeling of caring deeply about what your partner’s parents think of you should overpower the honest feeling of how you feel. Like, if you’ve had a bad day.
Laneia: Nice cleavage though.
Riese: AGREED that is the Rule of Life.
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Back at home, Natalie knows she’s been a bitch but doesn’t wanna talk, and Rose says Natalie already spoiled the night. The dog knows what’s up, per ushe, and it ain’t good.
Rose: “I don’t wanna talk to her. I don’t even wanna hear her.”
That’s Both Parts of A Conversation, So I Guess We Call it a Night?
Riese: Now who’s sulking.
Laneia: At least in my experience, this is how it always happens.
Riese: You’re right, you take turns sulking.
Whatever, it’s a new day and we’re on to more important things for Rose. Like her periodic bromance dates to play basketball or “run around” and do other things where it’s socially acceptable to be SCREAMING ALL THE TIME. But this one’s gonna be different, because it’s going to involve strippers, like this:
Anyhow, that hasn’t happened quite yet, so save your sunglasses.
Riese: Is she going golfing in that outfit? She could try to hit a golf ball through Natalie’s earrings.
Laneia: Later.
Riese: Oh, later.
Although Rose thinks that she can plan this date on the “down low” and not tell Natalie, she forgot about her special furry friend, Mr. Piddles Jr:
Rose [on phone to Bromance friend]: “I can’t tell you, but it entails calling & ordering strippers.”
That’s not how Don’t Ask Don’t Tell works, Rose.
Rose:” [Nat] needs to understand that there are rules. If she wants to be bitchy and snappy and angry, fine. But now I’m getting a free pass.”
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Laneia: That’s not a flawed logic or anything.
Riese: I’m starting to think that Papi really is based on Rose.
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Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry Without Mentioning What the Other Person Also Does Wrong
Natalie maturely apologizes for being a bitch and embarrassing her, but says that Rose does it all the time. Rose isn’t really buying it, because she’s already put her money on the strippers which requires staying mad, much to the puppy’s dismay:
Please Don’t Go Girls
Riese: Can they subtitle this? I can’t hear Nat’s whiny baby voice.
Laneia: Subtitling costs money and all the money was spent on getting Whitney to San Francisco.
Riese: “Investing too much in Whitney” seems to be a popular mistake on this show.
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But you know what’s a good investment? STRIPPERS, which you can apparently order on Facebook. We were hoping for a San Francisco performance-artist sex worker activist stripper, but it’s gonna be this chick instead:
The bros gather at Rose’s to put cocaine around the rims of their wine glasses and get this party started right:
Then Natalie calls ’cause she just quit her job and wants to chat, but Rose has shit to do, like go to the ATM and get out the money for the strippers. Not having time to pull out the money for the strippers is a problem I face every day of my life, seriously. Like, bitch I got shit to do.
Anyhow Rose is so excited about the strippers at the two-hour hotel and nothing will slow her roll.
Dude, Where’s My Strippers?
This Way?
Nah, Bro, It’s This Way:
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Up in the hotel room, there’s a serious Bromance moment:
Rose: “You see that, there’s the world out there. There’s a lot of pussy out there that I’m leaving for you guys.”
Laneia: That looks like my dentist’s office.
Riese: I think that might be my dentist in the beanie.
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Rose: “I’m letting my little proteges know that tonight is the night that they grow up a little bit.”
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Here’s how you turn Little Roses into Big Roses:
Put them all on a couch and have a stripper sit on them:
Spread their legs!
Grind your vadge onto their vadge while another girl rubs her tits into your back!
Watch two straight girls touch each other with nails that would probably lacerate your unborn children:
Rose: “We’re not doing anything wrong with the girls, you know? We’re just letting off a little steam. You know, Natalie doesn’t need to know.”
Rose: “I’m making sure I’m not touching anybody because I don’t wanna be in trouble later. So I’m trying to keep it rated NC-17.”
[We have no idea what she means by that. I don’t think cheating follows the MPAA scale. Though personally I don’t think anything you do with a stripper is cheating — as long as it’s safe, who cares. Though doing this, specifically, would be cheating on your brain. Go to a strip club instead, like Tina did. This room has plantation-style blinds for chrissake.]
Rose: “I’m being really good. For me, I’m being a saint.”
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At the end of the night, Rose reminds her friends that Natalie can’t know about this:
Rose: “Bromance meeting real quick: keep this on the down low. No twitter, no MySpace, no Facebook, no nothing!”
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Riese: HAHA SHE FORGOT FLICKR! GOTCHA!
Laneia: YOU’RE ON TV YOU FUCK!
HEY-O FOR SECRETS
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Where Have You Been?
Rose returns home where Nat is napping on the couch and is pissed at Rose for not calling her. Rose makes up a bunch of stuff that she probs got in trouble for directly after this episode aired.
A Kiss From a Rose
Laneia: Now she wants to hug her. This is like when you cheat on someone then you accuse them of cheating and then you cry.
Riese: On TV.
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Next week, we have a lot to look forward to. For example, Mikey’s gonna get really drunk at an LA FASHION WEEK-related event, so probs we will too.
Laneia: Oh my fucking god
Riese: Wow next week we are supposed to tune in to watch her get drunk and pass out? Is that entertainment
Laneia: The spin-off to this show will be Mikey in AA. Sads.
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Byeeeeeeeee!!!
