Tracy
Stamie found Tracy’s Recently Divorced Mom on Facebook and put in a friend request for both Stamie’s “virtual mother-in-law” and while she was at it, her “virtual stepmother-in-law.” Won’t be long before they’re all being invited to events at THE BETTY and getting punched by vampires.
Tracy: “My father got remarried to a very, very very very young girl. He kinda made a joke that you should never date somebody younger than your youngest daughter. And, um. He did.”
Tracy suggests Stamie send a message with her friend request to the Moms, and Stamie has a few bright ideas on that:
Stamie: “Hi, I’m Stamie. I’m Tracy’s friend… Hi, I’m Stamie, I bang your daughter, I’d like to be your friend!”
You’ve only got so much to talk to your Mom about when you leave out the gay stuff, espesh when gay cameras are following you everywhere and you’re halfway-living with your GAY girlfriend & her two kids. Mom probs thinks the “L” is for Los Angeles or Laguna Beach, like the kids on that MTV show.
Stamie agrees that Tracy & Mom need to talk this thing out.
Why? Because now that Stamie & Tracy are like this:
Tracy’s Mom needs to know that Stamie & Tracy are like this:
Happy!
+
Laneia: I’m gonna friend request your vagina tomorrow. You better accept me.
Riese: It will accept anything, any time of the month.
But why tell Mom when you could just be on the teevee I MEAN COME OUT ON THE COVER OF AN AUSTRALIAN MAGAZINE? Tracy’s about to snag the opportunity to do just that….
Sidenote/Tangent: I did this once when I got hoodwinked into being one of a few persons highlighted in a magazine article about dating –
August 2006:
Riese: I don’t want to come out to my grandparents, like EVER.
My therapist: Well I think Marie Claire is gonna do that for ‘ya.
+
Tracy has to bring clothing to the shoot to go with her wrist cuffs and leather belt.
Tracy: “Do they say “dresses” on there?”
Stamie: “I think she said if you have a strap on, to bring that.”
It’s a Lucky Dog Leather shoot for BOUND, and Beck Starr is gonna be the photographer for this little project. But she’s got big dreams for Tracy and wants her to be on the cover! Kazaam! [I think BOUND ended up putting Dani Campbell on the cover the month this shoot came out because let’s face it, Dani has made out with Tila Tequila and Tracy Ryerson has not, so.] [Or else she’s covering a future issue?]
+
Hey-o who’s at the photo shoot?
You can’t drink for the drinking game though, ’cause Nat didn’t say so out loud. This is just what we do. To fill up space with words. Everyone looks sexy and has blues and greens going down in their dreams, a la James Taylor:
If you think Nat‘s the only ex-AfterEllen vlogger featured in this Celesbian Photogasmic Extravaganza, you are sorely mistaken because as aforementioned, Cathy Debouno and Jill Bennett (presently of the independent web-series We Have to Stop Now) are also in the house:
BANG! BOOM! POP!
It’s A Lesbian With a Camera Just Like in High Art!
You can check out Nat’s Behind-the-Scenes video of the shoot here. And you can see how the photos turned out right here, right now [all of these photos are by Beck Starr for Lucky Dog Leather]
+
If you wanna see all the photos from the shoot (and you do) you can find them on the Lucky Dog website.
++
Speaking of Lucky Dogs!
At the end of this sexually titillating day, Tracy returns home to her girlfriend because she has a key now so she can enter at any time, just like Alice in Wonderland. Stamie was sleeping and awakens to find her girlfriend sporting a bouffant.
Laneia: Is Stamie drunk? She looks tanked — oh, never mind! She’s just sleepy.
Riese: Yeah probs she was watching this show.
+
Jill & Nikki
It’s 10:30 AM in the Temple of Buhdda Zendo Havenshrine, where the happy couple are using their laptops, preparing food for small animals, having shiny hair, and listening to phone calls together on speaker phone.
No I love YOU More!
Before you fall off the edge of your seat, here’s the deal: Camilla The Wedding Planner was not insulted. Jill celebrates by auto-straddling her girlfriend:
The Case of the Expensive Dress has not been solved, but Nikki produces shit for a living and does not want to have to produce her Commitment Ceremonial Solstice Wedding Festival, so she’s kinda torn on what to do.
+
Riese: I could find her a cheaper dress if it’s just stress she’s worried about and not the cost, like at Lohemann’s.
Laneia: I wish they’d subtitle these fucking phone calls. It’s like watching Charlie Brown.
Riese: Yeah so we could read the boring thing instead of just imagining that it’s probably boring.
+
The dog is nervous; what if he spends the rest of his life in this house/Hallmark card? Where are the strippers?
When we return to Jilnikki, similar activities are underway:
+++
Riese: Oh now they’re reading. Laptops, books, phones. Neat. It’s like Office Max: The Musical.
Laneia: IN THE BAY WINDOW, or whatever.
+
Dog = Scene Stealer
Nikki reads the email out loud — unfortunately, $6,000+ is the cost of custom-made clothing, says somebody. “I can’t on principal. I think it’s exorbitant,” Jill says.
Riese: Jill is right.
Laneia: She’s right. That’s a lot of money for a SLIP WITH A CORSAGE ON THE FRONT.
Riese: They could donate that to Equality California!
+
Although everyone, male and female, should have a right to spend their hard-earned money as they like, $6,000+ is insane.
She needs to think less this:
and more this, which is very budget! IT WAS MADE BY ACTUAL BIRDS, NIKKI. ACTUAL BIRDS. AND MICE!
+++
In search of a great steal, the ladies hit up a local Expensive Boutique, where a very similar dress has been carried across the ocean by British Angeltwinks from Heaven in a sky-carriage made of organic vegan hair culled from the Portia De Rossi’s shower drain. I think. I dunno, it costs like $4,000, which apparently is a bargain?
Do I? Do I Look Like a Pretty Princess? SAY I LOOK LIKE A PRETTY PRINCESS
Oh, did Camilla call a caterer? Because I spy a plate of CHEESE.
Jill: “I’m totally getting emotional! You look beautiful!”
Nikki: “It’s kinda like, perfect!”
Jill: “It’s kinda perfect! You look gorgeous! You’re a bride!”
Nikki: “I will be!”
Jill: “Here comes the bride!”
Nikki’s Mom: “Stunning! Oh MY G*D, Nik it is gorgeous it’s gorgeous!”
Jill: “It’s made for her.”
Nikki’s Mom: “Made for her!”
THIS IS THE BEST DRESS EVER BEEN WORN ON THE ENTIRE PLANET THE WHOLE ENTIRE PLANET GORGEOUS
+
Laneia: It’s a white fucking dress!
Riese: I’M TOO OLD AND CYNICAL FOR THIS
Laneia: JESUS!
Riese: I’m 5 years more cynical and jaded than this scene.
Laneia: It looks like a fucking white dress. But she has nice arms.
+
You know who else looks extra cute today? JILL in this vintage t-shirt!
Can’t Wait for Sailor Week
Here’s Jill’s dress, which makes everyone talk like Eloise again and make strange purring noises:
Look Ma, a toga!
Nikki’s Mom: “My god what’s not to like, really? Girls, you’re glamorama!”
Nikki: “That’s it that’s the one. That’s the one!”
Laneia: It’s a white dress.
Riese: Actually I kinda like the cut of that dress. It’s weird and everything else in this scene is not weird. The dress is the only part of this scene I can relate to.
Laneia: I don’t understand the world.
Riese: …because it looks like something I’d wear, from the sale rack.
Jill wants to feel that it’s just right. She wants to feel it, you know? Like REALLY feel it. Like how she feels Nikki’s fist in her cervix. But this one doesn’t touch her like that and also, her Mom’s not there, so, who knows.
+
Laneia: Where’s her mom?
Riese: Who’s mom?
Laneia: Jill’s?
Riese: Probs is in jail? Or like, Idaho.
+
Nikki’s Mom knows Jill will change her mind because it is her dress. Anyhow Nikki is going to buy her’s ’cause there’s “no reason not to.” She feels it. The kick inside.
Laneia: I could think of several reasons not to buy that dress, or any other dress that costs $4,000.
Riese: They could invest that in Autostraddle instead. Actually Nikki should invest in Autostraddle, write that down.
++++
