QUIZ: Which Of These Beloved Pets Are You?

1. Reincarnation is real. What type of human were you in a former life?*

A beloved and generous but occasionally fussy old man who would appreciate it if you could smoke your vape pen machine outside but also he made donuts for everybody
A mafioso who ruled with a kind yet firm fist
A tax accountant who specialized in getting anxious about the very rarely applicable yet ultimately extremely consequential loopholes of tax laws
A society lady who entertained constantly, hosting salons attended by queer creatives who loved to cook — while eating at a great many restaurants, too.
A deeply misunderstood heiress who never got enough sleep, never read enough books, pushed away anyone who got too close, and had a penchant for birds.
Not a human but God of Thunder, Thor! (He’s a himbo too!)
A grumpy former VH1 Diva who lost her job because she just wanted to sleep all day
An anxious gay man who longed for a relationship that prioritized cuddling but was disappointed to learn that no one liked to cuddle quite as much as he did

2. Pick a bedroom:*

3. Pick an item from The Olive Garden Menu:*

Breadsticks
One of everything, with whipped cream please
The Tour of Italy because you love to travel, and you adore adventures and some of your favorite adventures are the kinds you can have by putting different things in your mouth!
Any kind of soup (“Soup is the most reminiscent of dog food with hot water in it, which is the only acceptable way to eat dog food, obviously”)
Tiramisu
CHICKIN parm, but hold parm!
Shrimp Alfredo
“Lasagna because I am also thick”

4. Which queer celebrity do you identify with most closely?*

Jojo Siwa because you ARE the moment
Candace Parker (Because she’s Heather Hogan’s favorite and so are you!)
Chef Melissa King because you LOVE LOVE L O V E food!
Kristen Stewart, because just like you she always seems very anxious but in a hot way
Angelina Jolie, and you’d rather not explain yourself
Elliot Page! Because he’s cute and smol, like you
Demi Lovato because you believe you could be a really good singer/songwriter one day
Melissa Etheridge because you are also messy

5. Pick a sport:*

Sled dog racing!
Solitaire
Parkour
Begging for snacks
Eating dirt
Wrasslin
No
Rolling around on the ground

6. Which of these pet pet peeves do you find most relateable?*

“Nothing really gets to me.”
“I do not like when other pets try to eat my food, run too fast, try to touch me, try to touch my parents, take my seat, or play within my eyeline!”
“When my brother and sister are blocking Birder King on the TV! Get out of the way so I can see my squirrels!”
“I do not like that other pets exist at all!!!!!”
“When sounds occur that I’m not expecting WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT WHERE DID THAT COME FROM”
“When younger pets try to get in my face; I’m the boss here.”
“When the owners of other pets do not immediately greet me! It’s like, hello, I know you have a dog or whatever, but *I’m* here now!”
“Any sudden movements. Like, everybody just be *still.*”

7. Who is your least favorite human?*

The emergency vet who put a collar on you that said “MAJOR CAUTION”
Your ex
You love all people so much, you would even welcome a burglar into the house
Your landlord!!!
You are a practicing pacifist, you don’t really dislike anyone
Your (loud) neighbors
Any person walking toward your front door
Men

8. Someone who's just met you would say that you are:*

Guarded but cute
An adorable tiny baby 🥺
Not the sharpest tool in the shed, but very sweet and special
Gorgeous. A Vision.
Aloof, and a little threatening
Handsome and soft and sweet and a noodle-head
A round piglet cow gremlin
Someone with strong boundaries!

9. Someone who's known you for a long time would say that you are:*

Constantly fluctuating between extremely anxious and extremely snuggly
The bravest, best one of all of us
Stubborn (rightfully so), friendly and so very smart
Aloof, and a little threatening
A prince
A freeloader
Sweet, beautiful, kind and loyal
Stinky but in a nice way!!!

10. Congratulations, you've been invited to the Oscars! Pick a red carpet look:*

Photo credits: 1. Photo by VALERIE MACON/AFP via Getty Images, 2 &3. P. Lehman/Future Publishing via Getty Images, 4. Photo by Doug Peters/PA Images via Getty Images, 5. Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images, 6. Photo by Archive Photos/Getty Images, 7. Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images, 8. Photo by Emma McIntyre/Getty Images

11. Pick the near-death experience you most relate to:*

Eating literally anything and everything, including seven-layer bars and vegetable empanadas
Being trampled after innocently walking directly in front of someone who was already in motion and who was, hypothetically, carrying a tray of breakfast pastries and coffee.
Snapping at large dogs at the dog park!
Running away from my dogsitter to look for my Favorite Human all over the whole city even though I didn’t know where I was going and had to cross the street across multiple lanes of traffic multiple times!!!
Jumping into the pool to save my stepmother even though I can’t swim and will sink like a thrown toaster
Jumping out of someone’s arms so quickly that I literally hit my head on the literal floor
Chowing down on dirt and mulch and having to go to the vet to get x-rays because I was puking everywhere!!
um two times I nearly almost falled to my death and got temporarily paralyzed both times. Oops!

12. Pick a way to relieve stress when you've had a long day:*

A long nap
Pouting and stomping
Eating!
Running (and if you happen to knock some things over in the process so be it)
Kneading a blanket with your hands/paws while also sucking on it
Cuddling with your favorite person
Burying yourself under a blanket and nesting
Licking your private parts *angel emoji*

13. Pick a job:*

Mayor’s assistant
Someone who gives TED talks
Sno-cone stand owner
Fashion model
Making biscuits
Walmart Greeter
Dignified math professor
No

14. You've just been cast on a TV show! Which show is it?*

Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Summer House
Steven Universe
Killing Eve
Desperate Housewives
The Sopranos
The Goop Lab
The Crown

15. Which of these lesbian cultural practices do you understand most deeply?*

Uhauling
Fighting femmephobia by refusing to cut my nails short
Wailing when she leaves
Sitting in the corner watching other people talk
Boundaries!
Gazing deeply into someone’s eyes to tell them you love them
Watching sports on the TV (Especially when the ball goes back and forth and back and forth and back and forth like the sport of Serena)
Not going out

16. Pick a new name or nickname:*

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