Which Corporate Pride Float Are You?

It’s commonly agreed that Corporate Pride™ is the worst. But here’s a hot take: sometimes we all want to be the worst. That’s why I’m offering you a unique opportunity to spend 5 minutes getting all the evil consumerist urges you’ve ever experienced out of your system to discover which bastion of capitalist exploitation you’d be in your worst nightmares!

Be bad, be greedy, be unscrupulous. But most importantly, do it all at 2.5mph while topless gay men gyrate around you!

Which Corporate Pride Float Are You?

How many rainbows is enough rainbows?(Required)

Pick your pride anthem:(Required)

ABBA – Gimme Gimme Gimme

Pink – Raise Your Glass

Britney – Work Bitch

Queen – I Want to Break Free

Soft Cell – Tainted Love

Judy Garland – Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Katy Perry – Firework

Village People – In the Navy

KD Lang – Constant Craving

RuPaul – Supermodel (You Better Work)

You’re pulling an all-nighter designing your pride float. Pick a film to keep you company:(Required)

Wall Street

The Hangover

Employee of The Month

Office Space

Side Effects

Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory

Fantasia

Top Gun

Super Size Me

Devil Wears Prada

You work for an advertising company that’s hit on the genius idea that you can hijack the entire LGBTQ acronym to sell more stuff! But what will LGBTQ stand for in your corporate fantasy:(Required)

Let’s Gay-Bait Those Queers!

Looks Good, But Thirty Quid?!

Lettuce, Guac, Bacon, Tomato…Queso?

Large Global Business; Taxes Questionable

Liver’s Gone, Best Talk Quickly

Let’s Give Bonuses To Quants

Legal Guarantees? Bury That Query.

Let’s Get Back To Quarantine!

Looked Gay But Then Quit

Let’s Go Bomb That Quarry!

You’ve been partying 13 hours straight and have a hankering for some food that is just like regular food but is wrapped in rainbow packaging? Anyway, pick one:(Required)

(in case your pet needs a snack too)

Ok, you’ll need to wash that down with a rainbow-packaged beverage now, won’t you?(Required)

(yes, I know this is mouthwash)

You’ve been hit with a class action lawsuit because your company’s been dumping effluent into municipal water supplies. What a downer! Determine your course of action:(Required)

Act all innocent – who could accuse you of such a thing?!

Shrug – this isn’t your first time at the food poisoning rodeo

Shrug – this isn’t your first time at the toxic waste dumping rodeo

Embezzle some funds, flee the country and party yourself into oblivion while the company disintegrates

Hire the most expensive lawyers money can buy and counter sue

Settle with the complainants so long as you can use all their data to create an AI that will detect and prevent anyone attempting to sue you again

Apologise, then sell everyone pills that will counter the effects of the toxic water

Distract everyone by pointing to all the environmental causes you half-heartedly support

Assassinate everyone suing you

Oh no, you've run out of pride merch! Quick – grab something from the office that you can stick some rainbows on:(Required)

Some more rainbows

A chequebook

Shot glasses

An empty coke bottle that may or may not have been urinated into

A petri dish

A shopping basket

Magic wands

Sheets of foil

Clothes hangers

A rocket launcher

Pick a pair of hot pants:(Required)

You’ve just launched your pride range of products with a splashy campaign on Instagram. Someone asks how much of the proceeds you’ll be donating to gay causes. Quick – make something up!(Required)

$100,000! Which is 0.00001% of our annual turnover

We’ll be using all proceeds to set up events for disadvantaged gay people to give them the opportunity to buy more of our stuff

Well, we’re keeping all the money, but probably some gay people work for us, so we’re a gay cause?

Avoid the question and just keep saying “love is love!”

We’ll be donating just enough to give us a good score on the HRC Corporate Equality Index, and not a cent more!

Oh, we won’t give you any money but we’ll give you a ton of exposure!

We’re donating half the proceeds, but only to secret gay charities so our conservative customers don’t notice

Approximately 5% of what we donated to prop up anti-LGBT legislation last month

$1 per item, up to a limit that is in such tiny smallprint no one can see how meagre it is

100% of proceeds. We’ll offset the lost profit by price-gouging our suppliers in East Asia

You’ve been hired to create diversity and inclusion training videos for a large corporation. You really want a celebrity to appear in them who will appeal to the company’s cis white hetero board while not caring how badly they treat their employees. What celeb do you go for?(Required)

Ellen