Q:
I know so many couples who went through rough patches and even breakups during quarantine and the early parts of the pandemic. But for me and my girlfriend, it was one of the best stretches our relationship has had. We’d been together since 2018 and moved in together in the first half of 2019 so our relationship was still relatively new but serious and committed by the time spring 2020 hit. Of course there was a ton of anxiety, fear, and grief associated with the beginning of covid, but there were also a bunch of upsides when it came to our love lives. I feel like a bad person for being like “quarantine was great!” but for us it really was, especially for me. We had more sex than ever and really connected on an intimate level that started to dwindle the second the world started opening up again and I don’t know how we get back to that place, especially since I’m obviously not rooting for lockdown to happen again!!
The thing is I’m super introverted, and my girlfriend is super extroverted, and it sometimes makes it difficult for us to connect meaningfully. My girlfriend has a really active and busy social life. She invites me along to everything, but I usually only have capacity for a couple events a week. And at those events, my girlfriend is usually spread pretty thin with who she can give her attention to. I can tell she wishes I’d come with her to more events and hangs, but I’m just not that interested, especially if we’re not going to be talking to each other for the majority of the time. I don’t mind spending time alone at the house, but she often comes home late and then wants to go to sleep.
During quarantine, she still talked to her friends a lot and did Zoom happy hours with them, but it was so different. All her in-person energy went to me and to our relationship. I know it’s selfish but I liked having my girlfriend all to myself. I don’t feel possessive or jealous and I understand it might not ever feel exactly like it did for that period of time, but I can’t figure out how we can recreate a similar feeling like that or at least part of it.
I’ve talked about this with my girlfriend a little bit, and she agrees that things felt easy and good back then when it comes to our relationship, but she also says she was suffering from not being able to see her friends and not being able to go out. I want her to have a life outside of me, of course. but I also can’t help but wish I had more of her, more time with her, more ways to meaningfully connect at home that don’t feel like a chore for her (we’ve tried scheduling at-home date nights, but it’s clear it’s just for me). How do we get back to where we were without literally going back to where we were during lockdown?
A:
So while there are some parts of your letter that might be a bit concerning, like you writing that you want your girlfriend all to yourself, I do sense a level of self-awareness here. You already acknowledged it’s a selfish desire, and I also get the sense you might be exaggerating anyway. I think the overarching question at the root of your letter is: How do I meaningfully connect with my girlfriend given our different attitudes toward and capacity for socialization and connection?
It’s possible you’ve over-inflated the role of quarantine in all this. Sure, it makes sense that if your main desire is to spend one-on-one in-person time with your girlfriend, then lockdown provided exactly that, all the time. It’s possible some of the social and connection energy your girlfriend would normally spend on others was all going to you. But I’m also interested in the exact timeline of all this. Lockdown happened two years into your relationship and a year-ish after moving in together. In many ways, you were still in the early stages of a relationship when people do tend to spend more time together and when you’re still learning new things about people. It’s possible this would have been an intense time of connection regardless of lockdown, though of course lockdown probably heightened it, making the shift after it feel more abrupt.
You say it yourself though: Your girlfriend wasn’t happy during this time. She may have been happy in the relationship, but she was unhappy in other aspects of her life, and that will eventually seep into the relationship. I hear you wanting to make compromises in your letter, but I’m not sure I get a sense that you’re actually trying to understand your girlfriend’s side of this and understand her needs, too. When you write that you’ve tried scheduling at-home date nights but “it’s clear” it’s just for you, what do you mean by that? Is that a discussion you’ve had outright? Does your girlfriend seem checked out during these dates or like she’d rather be elsewhere?
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with scheduling dates and being very intentional about spending time together. I think most relationships need that! It sounds like if you’re both willing to compromise then you can come up with a plan to spend a couple nights at home during the week and then maybe you can also commit to one social outing away from home with your girlfriend, if that’s important to her, too. You don’t have to do them all, just like she doesn’t have to spend every single night at home with you. It should feel like a balance, and it should feel like a balance rooted in mutual understanding about each of your needs.
I do wish I knew a bit more about how you connect with others outside of your relationship and whether that’s a priority for you. How do you spend time with friends? Do you reserve all of your social energy for your romantic relationship? I definitely encourage you to seek strong relationships outside of your romantic partnership so that you’re not relying solely on your girlfriend to fulfill your needs.
I want to read your letter in good faith, and I do think your overall goal here of wanting to more meaningfully connect with your girlfriend again is positive. But I also do worry about your romanticization of lockdown, because ultimately, I do think a lot of couples will overly romanticize the past or past stages of the relationship in ways that are ultimately unfair to themselves and to their partners. If you feel like the only version of your relationship or of your girlfriend that you now long for or like is that past version, then I think you need to do some serious self-work and figure out if it’s just a shift in circumstances or if the relationship is ultimately not a great fit. The pandemic is far from over, and lockdowns aren’t out of the question, but is that really something you want to hope or wish for?
Relationships have to withstand extreme change all the time. People lose jobs, people move through grief, people change or evolve or their financial situations shift. It’s not abnormal or bad that your relationship felt different during lockdown than it does now — I think that’s true for a lot of people! But your question should be less about recreating the circumstances of lockdown and more about how to make compromises in your introvert/extrovert relationship that ultimately meet both of your needs. It might take some time to figure out, and you will have to communicate clearly with your girlfriend. Just keep in mind that what you get from one-on-one time with her is just as important as what she gets from time spent with friends or while out. It’s reasonable to want in-person time with your girlfriend; it’s not reasonable to want ALL of her in-person energy. If you two can talk more openly about what an ideal relationship structure and schedule looks like to you — without invoking “quarantine” or the past at all — I think you might be able to arrive at some solutions. Just make sure it comes from a place of wanting to make sure her needs are met, too, and an understanding that you can’t have her all to yourself all the time, nor would that be a solid foundation for a lasting and healthy relationship.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
This feels like a very unfair response to this letter. It’s clear that OP doesn’t want lockdown to happen again — they even say it! For as unhappy as extreme extroverts were during lockdown, a lot of us extreme introverts were as equally happy. We not only were tolerated by western society for our introversion, but actually praised for being ourselves. So, while extroverts celebrated the world opening up again, a lot of us moved on to the new stage with a newfound ambivalence. We certainly didn’t want people to be harmed, but we knew and begrudged having to go right back to the “normal” as the child that’s only tolerated instead of fully accepted and loved. Your response even showed it. A good faith showing interprets OPs letter with the acknowledgment that it’s okay to be torn about lockdown.
So, I think, in some ways, going back to “normal” has involved something of a grief process in its own right. We’ve had to come to accept that it was “fun while it lasted.” Extroverts shit on the time period, and have, in turn, gone back to disregarding us again. But, there was never anything wrong with the way we do things, and it’s okay to remember that.
OP, tell your girlfriend that you love her, but impress that as unhappy as she was, you were equally as happy. Then, let her know that you have to meet somewhere in the middle. She needs to pay more attention to you when you do go out. You also need to keep doing a date night. Your needs are important. Her needs are important. So, you either find a way to make both work or you might have to call it a day.
I agree with Kayla. You don’t have to spend 24/7 with your partner regardless if they both are extraverts. If you’re out with friends it makes no sense to also spend 100% of that time talking with your partner otherwise why did go out with friends. As mentioned LW didn’t bring up their own social circle and how they spend their time together, whether outside or online. It’s better to move forward together in the present then linger on what was.
Wow, as an introvert I feel Kayla really dropped the ball on this. OP sounds as if she is really trying to make compromises and keep her relationship going, but there is a fundamental disconnect between her and her girlfriend. I mean, two outings a week (as an introvert) sounds completely fine, but apparently her girlfriend is going out far more frequently and seems to feel that intimate, one-on-one time has no appeal to her. Certainly, the framing of this could have been better, but the fact seems to be that this relationship went from one extreme, isolation, to the other, complete extroversion, and there doesn’t seem to be any compromise in moving away from that.
It seems hard, but there feels like a fundamental disconnection between you and your partner’s views on intimacy. If she is using all of her free time to put her energy into others, whilst neglecting her relationship with you then that is not okay. It would be different if you both gained energy from extroverted interactions, but you don’t. You aren’t trying to put the kibosh onto her outings, but meeting your needs half way is a chore and a burden? Look, I am not saying at the end of the day that your relationship is bad and that you or your partner is to blame. But, in order for your relationship to grow and survive it needs the correct nutrients and water and food: that means, if you aren’t getting what you need, and your partner can’t or won’t provide it, then unfortunately you will have to look elsewhere for that sustenance. If you are too lazy to water a plant, or contrariwise too busy or otherwise unable to water the plant, whatever the reasons the outcome is still the same: that’s a dead plant.
I’m a little taken aback by this answer; it seems rather unkind to the letter writer!
I have been the more extroverted partner in a couple that survived lockdown, and I recognize the story of the relationship being “better,” but my mental health being horrendous. I think my partner possibly had similar feelings to the letter writer of relief around not having to go out all the time, and joy at getting to spend a lot of time with me (which was reciprocated! I really did like that part of lockdown!). We went our separate ways at the beginning of this year, and I strongly suspect, although this was never said, that my prioritisation of rebuilding social networks left them feeling like their needs weren’t met.
So, my advice to the letter writer is to assess their needs – is it more attention, more time, more tenderness? Do they want to Do Things with their partner or do they want their partner to be there during their own down time? If you know what you are asking for, you can work with your partner to build that into your schedule in a way that works for you both, or you can begin to come to terms with the fact you’re not compatible.
For what it’s worth, I think the relationship I mentioned probably would have ended sooner without lockdown, as my “do at least two things every evening” scheduling would have become an issue much sooner. But obviously this is all just my experience and might not apply to the letter writer!
I also felt like strong response to this letter indicates a lack of understanding of what it’s like to be an introvert (as one myself, when I read that the LW goes to social events a couple of times a week, I was like “wow, that’s a lot!”).
To me, Thea’s reply above wa much more helpful and nuanced. The LW isn’t going to fundamentally changes who they are and what they need or want, nor are they going to change their partner (and they make it clear in their letter they aren’t trying to!). So the question does become: what does the LW feel they need that isn’t currently being met? For instance, would doing date nights *out* of the house be an option to get the quality one-on-one time without it being in a big group, but still allowing their partner a bit more social interaction?
Also, as Kayla does note, people and relationships change over time, so whatever compromises or practical decisions the LW&partner make now, if they stay together, it will almost certainly adjust over time. I was so much more social in my 20s (even as an introvert) than I am now in my 30s, but I am partnered with a more introverted person so I am now the one who is primarily driving/sustaining social connections – both together, and also on my own. I think it’s great for each of you and for your relationship that your partner is rebuilding her social network, which seems super important to he. So the question becomes, what do you need? And I think if you are finding ways to meet your needs, perhaps some of the pressure that is current localized on her/your relationship will feel less acute?
And when I see meeting your needs, I mean whether that is with her, or separately – like, maybe you don’t like going out or being in big groups, but focusing on deepening one or two of close friendships that are separate from your partner could help you feel a deeper sense of intimacy and connection with her and more broadly. I realize every person is different, but I know I am able to hold my relationship with more grace and closeness when I feel connected to, cared for by, and in community with other people too (and I’m talking a couple of close friends, I always prefer a 1:1 or small setting). It also takes the pressure off her of feeling like in order for the relationship to work, she has to fulfill something for you that simultaneously requires her to relinquish a huge part of what she needs (and LW, I know from your letter that’s not what you want to do either!). wishing you both all the best.
The reply to the letter seems overly critical to me and not very kind. Kayla says that she wants to read the letter in good faith, but unfortunately, I don’t see that so much in her response. It wasn’t my impression that the letter writer romanticized lockdown, but had some nuanced thoughts and also expressed ambivalences about how lockdown was for many people, but different to them, and they don’t want another lockdown to happen.
The answers by the commenters are more amicable, gracious and helpful in my eyes. I want to acknowledge that it is a real challenge when one partner is an extrovert and the other an introvert and your needs differ strongly. I don’t have something profound to say that hasn’t been expressed by kind people in the comment section – but dear letter writer, I really hope you find some nuggets in their replies that ware working for you and your partner. In terms of building a deeper connection and finding out more what closeness/trust etc. means for different people inside a relationship, I personally found the questions by “THE AND/The Skin Deep” (especially the relationship and healing edition) very helpful. I got to learn so much more about the other person and vice versa, and it built intimacy.
Good luck to you!