Back over at the hospital, Aria finally wakes up. Even in her sleep she just couldn’t handle being clashing with those orange chairs. She finds a receptionist to speak with and discovers that Ezra is in recovery. She’s not family or anything but she barges into his room to find Shana who is also not family and c’mon where the hell is the security team informing them that only family members can come see critical patients and only during visiting hours. C’mon!
But before we can suss out what the hell Shana is doing there, Ezra goes into some sort of allergic reaction/cardiac arrest/bad times response. Aria yells for help and for once help comes! Yay help! Maybe the Liars should try this “yelling for help” thing more often.
Starsweep back to the theater where Alison returns from her midnight snack. She had hoped to sneak back in but she wakes Emily up in the process. Ali tries to tell Emily to go back to sleep and not tell the others, but Emily wants to know what the fuck is going on.
Ali’s like, “No, no I don’t want to drag you into my crazy would,” which is, side note, exactly what crazy girls say when they want to drag you into their crazy world. But Emily? She has like seriously no fucks left to give. The past two years she’s been outed, doped, drugged multiple times, her girlfriend got killed, a car crashed into her house, her next girlfriend betrayed her and her life has just generally been completely threatened all the time. If Ali doesn’t come clean she’s going to seriously lose her shit.
So Ali tells Emily that actually Cece was on her side all the time and that Ezra was paying her for info and that she only dressed up as Red Coat to distract A so that Alison could stop the saw that was going to cut Emily in half and so really Cece saved Emily and wasn’t that so nice and great! Oh and by the way she just gave Cece her passport so she could leave the country. Yay!
Back in Rosewood it’s revealed that Mona isn’t plotting a nighttime A attack, she’s holding the first meeting of The Official We Hate Alison DiLaurentis And Wish She Would Go Away Club.
Oh and Paige is there! Hi Paige!
Mona points out to everyone how life with Ali was terrible and how they all had horrible nicknames. She glosses over the part where she went literally insane for an entire year and made the Liars’ lives a living hell. She also glosses over the part where she actively called Lucas by his mean nickname. But you know, who’s keeping track.
Paige is about to leave because, she’s like a pretty good person and know she have a crazy rage problem she has to keep in check, but before she can someone completely unlikely walks in. Actually it’s Melissa who seems pretty likely. She’s basically always hated Ali. So.
Paige decides Melissa’s arrival is a good reason to stay. I mean, last time Melissa was upset about something she stayed on the couch for the entire third season. So at least we know she commits.
Flashdance on over to the Rosewood Police Station where Detective Holbrook is marveling at the existence of internet. In his defense, this also means he just discovered internet porn, so I can see why it took him so long.
In some rare stroke of brilliance, Holbrook stumbles upon The Fitzgerald Theater. We are impressed with his sleuthing skills.
Who thinks this would be a good time to discuss the fact that the Fitzgerald Theater is not in New York City but is rather the largest theater in Minnesota and the home to Public Radio’s A Prairie Home Companion. I mean, doesn’t anyone else listen to NPR?
Just as Holbrook is discovering this, Aria tries to get ahold of the Liars. Unfortunately the reception in the theater is wicked shitty (fucking T-Mobile) and the Liars have her call the house phone. DO YOU SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING?
Well, as you might guess, Holbrook calls and Ali picks up. Busted.
The girls panic and do what they usually do when they panic: stare at each other.
Unable to get in contact with her buddies, Aria decides to peak in on Ezra. The power of her undying high school love awakens Fitzipoo and he whispers in her ear a big secret. Then, I imagine, he screams like hell for pain killers. IDK just my thought.
This revelation sends Aria running out of the hospital, I imagine to a J.Crew sale or a vintage jewelry store.
Back at the ranch, the Liars decide it’s time to grab a cab back to Pennsylvania. Before they can so much as open their Uber app, they are confronted. The lights go up. It’s all very Six Characters in Search of an Author.
And you think it’s going to be the police. Sort of finally. But it’s not. 
It’s Shana.
Like fucking seriously?
So let’s be clear before we begin this whole fucking rabbit hole that Paige never actually says she’s A. She definitely tries to kill Ali and says that she thought she’d got her when she tried to burn down the lodge, but she’s never like “I’m A and I’ve been threatening you all this time.”
Anyways Shana explains that she’d trying to kill Alison as revenge for… Jenna?
Yup. Shana is in love with Jenna. I guess she really did mean it when she said she would be with her even in her darkest days. With that in mind we can finally see that the drama of the past two seasons of this show could have only been provided by the most dramatic type of drama: dyke drama. Fucking goddamn dyke drama. Say drama again. Drama.
Just before Shana can kill Alison (or, you know, conveniently tell us more details of what the fuck she’s talking about) Aria comes up behind Shana and whacks her with that fucking gun from the first act. Oh Chekhov, you get us every time.
I suppose this is exactly why Aria has been taking self defense classes all these years months weeks days.
So Shana falls a full six feet into the orchestra pit. While people in Rosewood have survived gun shots, car accidents, drug overdoses, burns, being buried alive, falls from literally the tops of buildings, Shana cannot survive this six foot fall.
She just cannot.
Wanna know why? Because everyone knows that all lesbian characters and black characters end up dead on TV. Shana never had a chance.
The girls call the NYPD and flee the scene because even though it was all in self defense, why bother trying to tell the police that. I mean, not involving the police has worked out really well in the past.
And elsewhere, a very smug Cece boards a plane to France and maybe just got away with murder.
Or maybe not. Who the fuck knows anymore.
Damn guys. I really liked Shana. I hope we find out next week that her clone, Lana, is actually the lesbian the girls knew the whole time and the person who introduced Emily to Missy Franklin. Ah the good times. What I wouldn’t do to be young again.
Anyways I have no idea what I just saw, but go ahead and tune in next week when we’ll discover that in order to combat Ali, Mona has created an all girls wrestling league. A girl can dream.
