Back over to Hanna’s, she and Mona are still getting their lying/BDSM practice on. This time they agree to have Hanna pretend that Ashley’s shoes were hers. They also agree to have Hanna’s safeword be “rutabaga.”
Over at the Life Cafe, Emily waits outside to meet up with her boss. Zoe finally shows up and is a knock out. Actually she’s Rumer Willis who you might know as “Girl running between Jimmy and Oz” from The Whole Nine Yards or That Lesbian Gia from 90210 or I don’t know, as the daughter of Demi Moore. Again, lesbian fingers crossed.
Like all camp romances, Emily let hers fade once she was home. Everyone knows it’s hard to keep up with camp pen pals after a few months.
Despite the fact that Emily claimed all she did in Haiti was drink and cry, Zoe goes on about how Emily was the MVP of Habitat for Humanity. I mean, duh. She’s a big old lezzy. It’s not like that was her first time wearing a utility belt.
Zoe exclaims she’d like to have an Emily on every trip and I decide I’d like an Emily on my lap. We don’t always get what we want but it sounds like Zoe might get Emily for an upcoming summer trip.
We also are gifted these amazing photos of lesbian greatness.
Just then, Pam smells lesbian pitter-patter afoot and walks up to Zoe and Emily’s table. She has something for Emily to drop off at the police station but does enough stress talking to make it clear that their house is in shambles. How convenient, discussing a broken house with someone who builds houses!
Elsewhere, Caleb meets with Ashley. Funny that she has seemingly unlimited visitation time. Turns out that Ashley invited Caleb to come in and talk with her. She’s worried about Hanna and hopes Caleb can help.
Ashley tells Caleb to make sure Hanna doesn’t do anything stupid. This is fun for us at home because we know that Hanna is already doing something stupid! In fact, back at her house, Hanna and Mona get even deeper into their BDSM lying game.
Mona wants Hanna to explain to her what it felt like to kill Wilden. It’s creepy. Of course, before much of anything can get said Caleb peers though the window and spots Hanna. You can imagine how he reacts.
I mean, he sees his girlfriend with another girl who openly has a crush on her. Lesbian brain explosion.
Hanna claims Mona is just there to be her BFF.
Hanna tells Caleb to GTFO. He’s not impressed and goes on to cry about it and then tell his therapist all about how Hanna isn’t letting him in emotionally.
Back at the Hastings household, Spencer comes home to find her mother and Lawyer Kid poring over the DA’s files. Spencer thinks she’s being all cute and coy with TobAy’s mom’s file, but actually Lawyer kid totally knows Spencer stole it. Nothing gets past Lawyer Kid McGee. Is there a lawyer version of  Doogie Howser, M.D? Just curious for future joke making.
Starsweep to Aria’s where she sits alone in the living room, probably watching film noir and eating popcorn. Typical Aria. The’s an awful ruckus outside. Aria goes to the window but doesn’t see much of anything.
In a panic she calls Mike’s cell phone. Perhaps there’s a home invader! Or worse, a Republican! One of Mike’s bros picks up the phone and  is clearly smashed. He tells Aria that Mike is wipeout wasted across the room and just threw up a swimming pool of vomit. Aria is concerned.
Back over at Hanna’s she and Mona do some more BDSM mind melding. After a titillating spanking scene, Mona decides that Hanna is finally ready for her Biggest Lie Ever.
Later, after Mona leaves, Hanna heads downstairs to leave and  tell her big fat lie the police. No surprise, Caleb is waiting for her. Caleb is obsessed with Hanna’s face full time.
Before Hanna can leave, Caleb stops her. Caleb wants to know all about how Mona “talked Hanna into this.” Of course, like all bad plans, this one was all Hanna’s. Caleb says he won’t let her do it. Hanna dances around the idea that perhaps Ashley really did kill Wilden, but ultimately Caleb decides he thinks she didn’t. And isn’t that what matters? The man’s opinion? Then, instead of going to the police station, they change into matching flannel shirts and rock out on their acoustic guitars for a few hours.
Across the street Aria calls in reinforcements. She’s scared for her brother and she needs help. Does she call her father? How about her emotionally entangled ex-boyfriend. Her codependent core group of friends? None of the above! She calls Sensei Hot Stuff!
Sensei and Aria are all set to hop in the car and make out I mean drive to find Mike. Fortunately just then Mike calls and says he’s fine and is sleeping at his friend’s house. It was just a whole big ill-timed prank by Mike’s friends.
Sensei, seeing that Aria is distressed, offers to stay the night. Heyoo.
Emily heads back to the motel where Pam is milling about trying to hold it together. She tells Emily she’s officially lost her job at the police station. She also bought groceries which is like a really big deal in their family or something.
Emily tells her mother about the opportunity Zoe offered her to work for Habitat in Nicaragua for the summer.Upon hearing this Pam loses her fucking shit and collapses crying. I’m not good with The Feelings but it seems to me this is one of those “Everything is falling apart and you’re leaving me” situations. It sucks that Emily and Pam are doing that thing where Emily has to act like the parents and Pam like that child. That always really fucks kids up.
(Not really, sign up today!)
Over at the Rosewood police station Mona shows up. What on earth could she be doing there!? She says she has information about Wilden. Is she going to throw Hanna to the dogs after Man Caleb has already decided that Hanna won’t be doing that?
At Aria’s, Sensei Hot Stuff and Aria sit around watching TV. They chat about their ruined night and also about all their hopes and dreams for the future. They also drops some light product placement for Insidious: Chapter 2. Ew. It’s really obvious and annoying. ABC Family: Get it together.
At the Hasting’s residence, Spencer isn’t sleeping. She’s kind of a vampire that one. She stomps downstairs and confronts Mistress Lawyer Hastings. Spencer shows the file to her mother. She is unimpressed. Just then, Mistress Lawyer Hastings gets a phone call informing her that Mona has just confessed to Wilden’s murder.
Uggghhhh I hate when the biggest moment of an episode takes place off screen! Why do you do that to me?! I don’t care about Aria wanting to see a shitty horror movie sequel. I do care about Mona confessing to murdering Wilden!
The Liars all receive texts in turn informing them of Mona’s confession and they all, in turn, show up at the police station. Yeah, that’s not suspicious or anything. All of them there at once.
Mona and Hanna exchange gay smiles.
Why do I think Mona protected Hanna and confessed to Wilden’s murder? Um isn’t it obvious.
In the final A scene, A drills holes in someone’s floor. I wish that were a euphemism.
Well that about does it for this week. Tune in next week when I promise actual lesbian content will take place. No guys, seriously. I promise. Paige throws Emily a surprise party.
