Elsewhere, at what I can only assume is some BDSM yoga studio I have yet to learn about, Aria is falling crotch first into Sensei Hot Stuff. Good for her!! I would love to see Aria’s crotch with someone new. Also apparently so would Sensei Hot Stuff because he seems determined to get Aria into a 50 Shades of Gay long term sub-dom relationship.
I’d also like to see Aria get into some light BDSM, but no rush.
AND THE SCREAMING. AND THE TYING UP. AND THE NIPPLE CLAMPS. DO YOU HAVE THE BEN WA BALLS TOO?
Sensei Hot Stuff thinks the two of them should take a little breather but Aria wants to just keep going. I knew she had it in her. It’s interesting, it hasn’t really been explained why Aria is suddenly interested in self defense classes. A has always been after her and she never went before. I wonder if this is connected to the break-up; a fresh start to regain control of her life.
Remember, keep your wrist light and your fingers loose and whatever you do keep away from the kidneys.
Also Sensei Hot Stuff is the only person in town paying attention.
ARE THEY THREATENING TO RUIN YOUR BIRTHDAY? BECAUSE I WILL NOT TOLERATE BIRTHDAY RUINING IN MY BDSM YOGA STUDIO.
Ari wants Sensei Hot Stuff to teach her how to defend herself from behind. Hehe. From behind.
Trust and a stainless steel butt plug.
I actually kind of dig Sensei Hot Stuff because he seems like the first person in Rosewood to identify one of the Liars’ behavior as abnormal. Yeah sure, the Liars have occasionally been thrown into therapy circumstantially, but I feel like the Liars’ boyfriends and parents rarely seem to notice how scared the Liars are, how paranoid they’ve become. And here’s a guy she’s only know for five minutes and he’s already seeing right through her to her core. He’s the kind of guy she can maybe ope– wait. Wait just a damn minute. Holy shit! This is how they get you! This is how professional TV writers get you to sign on for a new ship before the old one is even dead! I just got slapped with some executive writing realness. I was practically ready to date this guy myself and he’s about two breasts shy of my type!
$Sensei Hot Stuff: blah blah blah feel safe in my own skin
Sly move ABCFamily. Sly move indeed.
BOTP
Back over at Stepford Wife Jessica’s Haunted House Of Gardening Doom, Hanna starts to pry a bit. She wants to know if Jessica saw Ali’s remains that night. Or what she saw. Jessica only saw the yellow blouse and– cue the pastel flashback! I wish I had flashback music I could play that you guys could hear every time this happens. If I say “dunana dunana dunana dun” do you know what that sounds like?
SEE THE FLASHBACK? IT’S RIGHT OVER THERE…
Jessica sits outside having lunch with Ali some time the summer before the Night She Was In A Million Places And Saw Everyone And Died (Maybe).
WELL I SAY WE JUST SPLIT A BIG GUST OF WIND FOR LUNCH AND CALL IT A DAY.
Ali wants to stay a few nights alone in Cape May. Her mother says no fucking way because, remember, Ali’s like 14. So Ali claims she wants to have her friends over for a big sleepover at the house, but her mother won’t budge.
ALI IS A TOP.
So Ali holds her breath. Like a child.
KEGALS. BECAUSE YOU CAN’T SPELL UPTIGHT WITHOUT TIGHT.
I guess Ali did this a lot because her mother gave in. Which is a shame because for a split second I thought there was someone Ali couldn’t manipulate. Of course, Ali never invited the Liars to Cape May. She just hung around and made the beast with two backs with 30-year-old Wilden. Or Ian. Or that pilot. Or Brittney Griner. I wish.
ONE FINGER ALISON. ONE. IF YOU START WITH TWO YOU’RE GOING TO SERIOUSLY HURT SOMEONE’S RECTUM!
Hanna reveals that she never got the evite to the big Cape May party, but Jessica doesn’t seem too upset. I suppose once your daughter has been dead for two years it’s hard to get mad at her. Actually, I have no idea. That’s territory I’ve never known.
If only I would have known alison was using so many fingers. Maybe I could have stopped her.
Just in case you’ve ever wondered if Riese and I are genuinely invested in Pretty Little Liars::
This is the way that we live.
Back over at the dojo, Aria and Sensei Hot Stuff continue to rock some martial arts that, to my untrained eye, looks like some hawt Black Swan shit. Hopefully next we’ll get Aria magically appearing between her own legs.
Okay now hold that butt plug in until I tell you to let it out. No hands.
Then, because she has absolutely no boundaries about authority figures or teachers, Aria kisses Sensei Hot Stuff.
I hope she asked permission first.
She didn’t.
Sub-dom contract violated.
Aria peels out of the dojo parking lot (all the best dojos have free parking, you see) and into downtown Rosewood. There she sees Mona speaking with police. She pulls over and fakes like she’s there to pick Mona up. I can’t tell if this is to try to save Mona’s ass or save her own. Six of one half dozen of the other.
ACTUALLY MONA JUST HAS REALLY ELABORATE FANTASY SEX PLAY.
Mona tells Aria she was just chatting up a cop in order to eavesdrop on a different set of cops speaking behind her. Aria points out that if Mona wants to be on Team Liars she needs to realize that she can’t even be chatting up cops because it makes them look like they’re snitches. And snitches get stitches.
Little does Mona know “bucket of rocks” is their safe word.
Fortunately Mona overheard some good dirt on Wilden’s case. The investigators found Wilden’s shoe prints along side a woman’s.
Ali is high femme.
Starsweep across town where Spencer has finally come to her senses.
Unless it’s Twister because I am, like, so good at Twister.
TobAy admits he moved the RV for A in order to get the transcript of his mother’s conversations from Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane the night she killed herself.
TobAy feels bad.
Spencer feels annoyed.
Lizz feels bored.
Fortunately at that moment we sweep across town the pool where Emily totally cruises this bathing suit girl.
LOOK AT THIS CRUISE!
Emily sneaks over to her locker to take some more pain killers for her insane shoulder injury. Like wait until you see this bruise. It’s out of control. She needs to go see a doctor yesterday.
CONCERNING BRUISE IS SO CONCERNING
While she’s there Shana walks in. She claims needs a swim cap, but actually she wants to know why Hanna accused her of knowing Wilden. Shana also tells Emily she knows about Paige’s scholarship and that there’s one spot open.
Just picture it. Me and Paige knitfitti-ing the whole city.
Apparently on Pretty Little Liars Pennsylvania has all the best swim teams in the country because Stanford is, like, a pretty good Div I swim team. But for reals FYI Pennsylvania is not a huge swimming hub or anything, I looked it up. I know I suspend my disbelief for a lot of things on this show but this was just too tangible not to look up. So humor me.
The punchline here is that Shana is going to nab that scholarship, move to the Gay Area and fingerblast Emily’s girlfriend forever. So take that.
WE’RE GONNA BE ALL UP ON THAT GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE TOGETHER. ALL UP ON IT.
This just gets Emily even more fired up! What does Emily do when she’s all fired up?! She takes more pain killers!
IF THIS WERE A GATORAID CAMPAIGN I WOULD TEAM PICK THE SHIT OUT OF IT.
TobAy and Spencer sit in Spencer’s kitchen reading his mother’s case file. Spencer reads it aloud because anything that is sad and dramatic can only be made more sad and dramatic by a slow and gentle reading aloud. Anything. The transcript of TobAy’s mom’s last therapy session sounds upbeat and hopeful. She wants to leave and see her family to make up for lost time. TobAy thinks this means she was murdered. It’s all very dramatic and depressing. I’m skipping the rest of the scene.
At the swim meet Emily is all fucked up on pain killers but jumps into the water and starts the race anyways. She swims okay at first but then hits her head and has to get rushed to the hospital! I just figured they’d have her false start or something! I didn’t know she was going to get hurt!
Synchronized swimming move number 483: The Water Scissor
My sweet Emily! It happened so fast! I did have time to process! They won’t let Paige go to the hospital with Emily! Are we being discriminated against?! I’m not sure, it all happened too fast to tell! I don’t know what’s going on here! I have so many feeling!
The real life consequences of U-Hauling too soon.
Aria walks in just as TobAy walks out. She’s hilarious and maybe also jumping on the bandwagon and trying out being a U-Hauling lesbian. I mean, hey, it’s working for everyone else!
And he has just the shiniest nipple clamps. Sigh…
Just then, Hanna busts in with Jessica’s bird. She’s just convinced it’s going to spill all of Ali’s secrets. Plus it keeps singing the same song which will potentially be the death of us all.
What you didn’t know? Birds are the hot new accessory for summer.
Re: anal virginity
Hanna points out that if Wilden had his own boat, then why would he need to stay at Ali’s parents’ house? Clearly something is amiss.
Everyone get naked! I have a plan.
Later that night, the Liars dig into some research at their respective homes.
Hanna plays the Super Sleuth At Home Game which, in Rosewood, generally just amounts to asking your parents questions. She asks her mother point blank if she came back to Rosewood to duke it out with Wilden. Ashley sort of gives an answer.
But I think, much like the word “sex,” I should be able to define what “kill” means for myself.
Spencer reads up on TobAy’s mom while the obnoxious bird sings over and over again. Fortunately Spencer realizes that he’s not singing a song, he’s singing a phone number! I swear I realized it was a phone number just a minute before Spencer did and the really fucked up part of my self-involved brain wanted Pretty Little Liars to not reveal it until next week so I could tell everyone my theory! Womp womp.
Well bird, at least you’re an upgrade from my last boyfriend.
Aria sits in her living room reading when she hears creeping outside. Good thing she had that self-defense class.
If it’s Romi I’m going to fuck her with my mouth
The doorbell rings and, who’s at the door?
This was the time I really thought it was going to be the Kool Aid guy.
It’s Sensei Hot Stuff!
He wants to talk about the kiss because nothing makes an inappropriately timed kiss even less appropriate than showing up at someone’s house unannounced in the middle of the night. But just FYI Sensei Hot Stuff wants ON.
Talking about boundaries is super important before engaging in any sort of BDSM.
But like so does Aria. So she signs his sub-dom BDSM contract and they agree to bone off into the sunset together. Or something… I got up to make popcorn.
Across the neighborhood, Emily sits at home with Paige on the magical bed of no sex. An enchanted lesbian bed where no sex ever takes place, just feelings.
We’re gonna stay 18 forever/ So we can lay like this forever/ And we’ll never miss a party/ ‘Cause we keep them going constantly
Emily admits everything to Paige. About the pain killers, about her shoulder and about how Ali Mask tried to mow her over with a car. It’s pretty cute. Then they kiss making, it the third lezzie kiss of Pretty Little Liars season four! Nice work guys! If we had one kiss in episode one two kisses in episode two does that mean we get three kisses in episode three?! I can’t wait for episode 24!
Like I’m pretty sure this is the revolution happening.
Ironically I immediately found myself wondering where Caleb was. I miss that little dyke.
Instead of checking in on Caleb, we flash back to the other three Liars who’ve convened at Spencers. They try out the bird phone number. It’s a business and no one picks up.
If we cannot agree on a takeout pizza place then this is not a safe space.
Hanna and Aria think Spencer fucked up the number, because um this is the hardest idea ever, and go upstairs to record the number from the bird. When they get up there, however, no bird. No fucking bird.
The bird does not exist!
Across the street, Ashley Marin wraps up her muddy pumps in dirt and puts them in a garbage bag. Honestly they should have switch this scene with the last one because, I’ll tell you what, it was way less dramatic than the bird moment.
Nothing says drama like trash day!
In our final A scene, A is enjoying some chicken. At first I think A’s cooked the parrot and I’m totally disgusted.
Probably would not be served at A-Camp
Then it’s revealed that A is feeding the chicken to the parrot. Well… I guess we eat other mammals… but still, I think I’m a vegan now.
C’mon, eat it! What are you, chicken?!
(DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!)
That’s it for this week. I wanted to give you guys another round of Shit We Learned This Week but unfortunately we didn’t really learn anything too tangible. Better luck next week where we’ll see if PLL goes for three lezzie kisses! –L
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Since I want Lizz to actually be able to sleep tonight and it doesn’t seem it will happen until she’s figured out the mystery of Hanna’s hair.
Ashley Benson was a brunette during the first episode (and the S3 promo shots I think) so much of the first episode she was in a blond wig (hence the weirdo headband what the hell is on her hair look in the scene with Mona in the hall), perhaps by the time they filmed episode 2 she was back to blond and thus her original hairstyle.
Or we can just blame it on the patriarchy.
haha yes true and also in my own head i decided that she got extensions — which usually are a hollywood-only thing that characters on tv shows pretend don’t exist but remember that one episode where hanna was trying to get caleb to open up about something and she was like “ok fine i’ll just ask what your thoughts on hair extensions are, like are synthetic ones better because of the low price and convenience or can is there no substitute for the feel of real human hair?” and he is like “omg FINE i will tell you, don’t bore me to death”?
(i have no idea why i remember that and in fact i’m pretty embarrassed about it)
alternatively, yes, botp.
Great recap, the picture captions are hilarious!
I, too, had a moment of oh-my-god-why-parrot-can’t-die because I am the kind of person to get emotionally attached to a really creepy bird over the course of one episode. I’m glad to know I wasn’t alone in my panic. (Also, parrots will definitely eat chicken. You shouldn’t feed it to them too often, but they’re perfectly happy to nom on their cousins. Which is yet another reason parrots are terrifying and will kill us all.)
Can we just talk about Hanna’s accent nail? Is she femme flagging? Is femme flagging dead because straight girls are doing it now? I just have a lot of feelings about Hanna’s nail polish, okay.
Also I read this out loud to Rachel and it’s hysterical. The captions are golden. Seriously, nice job.
I didn’t realize accent nails were a sign of femme flagging! I learned something today
lol well the other day a straight girl asked me “did you know painting one of your nails a different color means you’re a lesbian??”
so..not sure what to do with that info haha but maybe?
Oh wow, I had no idea that painting one fingernail different was femme flagging. I have been doing it for years… This explains so much.
Accent nails were totally a fashion thing before someone decided to make it a gay thing. Sadness.
Yeah as the owner of a ridiculously popular nail art blog, I can confirm that accent nails were a fashion thing years before I ever heard anyone suggest it as femme flagging.
“Doesn’t Ali know that breath play is never safe?” #RachBeeQuotes
This recap was so freaking hilarious. Red-haired Lizzz is on fire.
“I feel like Pretty Little Liars hired actual lesbians to consult on the writing of this scene. Like, someone on the inside deserves a high five.” You’re aware that Marlene King the showrunner is a lesbian aren’t you Lizz? I think she’s a big reason this show is so freaking awesome and so full of lesbian and queer women. I love her. She’s like the anti Ryan Murphy and I don’t just mean the lesbian part but also that she listens to fans instead of trolling them and is a really cool person instead of a walking talking asshole in a stupid hat like he is.
Awesome recap yet again! Paily is so damn sweet! Why are they raising our expectations so high? I’m scared that they’re going to really hurt us at some point. *sobbing*
But yeah, so, so good! I’m still not over the fact that Glee got a Glaad nomination and PLL got ignored. If ever anything called for a giant WTF? this is it.
Re: Barbie-behaviour indicating to our parents that we were lezbots
When I came out to my mum, ya know after she grew comfortable enough to make u-haul jokes, she told me that stripping Barbies and rubbing my thumb over their bare breasts was but one in a long line of pre-adolescent activity that made clear my homosexuelle tendencies (anyone else adopt the term same-sex tendencies from that heartbreaking clarification in 10 Things {almost typo-ed Thighs} I Hate About You that Kat was not indeed a ladystraddler?)
Also, I think it’s progress that Spencer seemed to confront Tobster about possibly being the Allison Mask that tried to run over her posse. Like she has seen past The Chin to acknowledge that he is probs in cahoots with Lil Red Riding Biotch.
Also Liz! your recaps brings all the feelings to the yard and dental-dam-right they are probs not stronger than yours
I used to make all my Barbies get married to a Ken and another Barbie simultaneously. Every single one of them had a husband AND a wife, and every Ken had a husband and wife too. Some of my Barbies also had all their hair chopped off and would borrow Ken shirts. I was so blatantly bisexual and I had nooo idea (well, until I was 14).
I cut one of my barbie’s hair and then had her kiss the other barbies.
Did anyone happen to see the Buzzfeed article about what it feels like to keep up with PLL they posted this week? They nail it on the head, except for the reasons why I keep watching. Paily 4 eva! Forget those weird age inappropriate dudes.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/louispeitzman/what-it-feels-like-to-keep-up-with-pretty-little-liars
I thought I was done with PLL about 4 episodes from the end of season 3, but my roommate decided to start watching the show. So, instead of keeping my resolve to only read Lizz’s recaps, I may or may not have watched the entire series with my roommate.
wow that buzzfeed article is so hetero. Don’t even get me started on the “love interests” photo. When did Emily start dating Jason D?
My thoughts too when I saw it the other day. No Paige? No Maya? Ridiculous.
And we’ve all seen Lindsey Shaw rock the hell out of a suit* so excuse me, where is the “Significant Others in Suits” photo. Why is Jason there for no apparent reason** except to say, f u lesbo audience?
*I’m not saying all girlfriends should dress up in suits like boyfriends, just that Paige has rocked the suit twice on the show already and looked hot and thus, should look hot again in promo photos
**I actually do think the guy that plays Jason is good looking (in a Ken doll kind of way) so I’m not hating on the guy, just the where the eff is Emily’s love interest in these promo shots??
Mona *flies out of the car.
Sorry, I’m a stickler for spelling/grammar.
That Brand New reference for Paily though…
So. Good.
I really dislike Toby’s character, mainly because it frustrates me that spencer never asked him any of the important questions, like “hey toby, before I jump back into the sack with you quick question, did you lock me in my sauna and try to kill me?”. It really bothers me, like really, you’ve spent all this time being attacked and stalked but you’re not going to ask any questions once you get the chance? cool ok.
That being said, I actually felt a little moved by his man tears this episode. Like for reals, no kid deserves to feel like their mom didn’t even care enough to say goodbye.
I’m sure he’ll do something in the next episode that will make me hate him again.
Toby’s crying was the only display of emotion in the entire series, and it was moving. It’d be smart of the writers to tie that into his motivations in being A instead of the bullshit “I did it to protect Spencer” excuse.
I just want him to be genuinely bad and not a white knight.
Agreed, I wasn’t even that mad about the RV thing because if it was my mom I’d probably do the same thing. At least that excuse seems genuine and real, instead of a white knight/I had no choice/I did it because it was best for you, excuse.
I feel completely heartless because his tears annoyed me more than anything.
This was hilarious! I love these recaps. “Maybe a little sexy schoolgirl librarian chic will help her to feel better.” You are amazing for that reference. Keep it up.
Multiple T-Swift references!
Another reason these recaps are better than the show itself.
I was under the impression that Spencer’s dramatic application essay was for other prospective schools, not UPenn, since Ezra said that she should apply to other schools immediately and they’d edit her essay on the weekend.
Also, I am not okay with Aria and Sensei Jake. Can she not have a storyline/life that ISN’T revolved around an inappropriately-aged guy??? Uuugggghhhhh
Thank you for the comment on Aria and Sensei Jake! Can she date a guy that isn’t in some way an authority figure? Also, can we go a couple of episodes without any of the girls worrying about their romantic relationships?
One of the plus-sides of Caleb mysteriously disappearing is that Hanna hasn’t mentioned him at all, and this works well for the nefarious Mona/Hanna shipping… Mwahahaha.
But honestly, can we have a full-fledged discourse on why the hell CALEB gets a spin-off!?
tbh, I’d rather Toby or even Ezra get a spinoff if it means they leave the damn show. Caleb is the only boyfriend on the show I can tolerate and now he’s leaving.
LIZZ you are SLAYING it
I was going to quote my favorite parts of your recap but they are all my favorite parts
i giggled out loud at this recap multiple times and i don’t even watch this show.
Wait am I the only one who assumed A switched the painkillers with different pills? I mean I know A already did that — wait, or maybe not? Did I imagine it? But anyway I assumed that’s was what happened.
Oh well, either way I’m annoyed because this’ll probs turn into a drug addiction side plot that serves only to further distract from our finding out who the eff A is.
No that drug addictions are not actual problems, of course! I just think PLL wouldn’t deal with it purposefully.
My only thought was “why do TV people always have awesome drugs in their cupboards?” seriously, my bathroom cabinet contains 3 band-aids and a bottle of something that expired in 1996.
This is so true.
This comment + your username.
That is all.
Ok. What I want to know is how the balls Spencer Hastings did not get into UPenn as a multi-generational LEGACY!? She’s gotta fail out of high school TWICE to do that.
I’m guessing CeCe is on the A team and never turned in Spencer’s application and then A drew up the fake rejection letter. Watch, Spencer’s dad is going to find out she didn’t get accepted and be all ‘omg that is totes unacceptable’ and go to protest the decision and it will be this dramatic moment when they inform Spencer/her dad that they never received the application.
I am really pleased with the fact that there was not one, but two Chicago references in this recap. Well done.
Best recap ever.