Pretty Little Liars Recap 322: Will the Circle Jerk Be Unbroken?

Starsweep to the Life Cafe, where Emily meets up with Shauna. Even though like two episodes ago Emily found out that Shauna was Paige’s ex-girlfriend and also cost Shauna her job, they’re cool now I guess. Shauna, who is a professional at scoring bitches, introduces Emily to Olympic gold medalist Missy Franklin. Nice work Shauna.

I’VE HAD SOME FANTASIES THAT STARTED OUT LIKE THIS.

Shauna reveals that she also swims competitively and when she met Missy Franklin at the airport she just knew she had to introduce her to Emily. It never, of course, is explained why Shauna doesn’t invite her ex-girlfriend, Paige, who is also a swimmer to meet Missy Franklin. I feel like in this situation everyone should get to meet Missy Franklin. Including me.

OKAY SO I’LL JUST TAKE THESE OFF AND WE CAN GET STARTED

Starsweep to girltalking-clothingland where Hanna chats with Aria while she packs up everything she owns to stay at Emily’s for like two nights while her mom is out of town.

WELL YOU’VE GOT TO PACK A LOT OF CLOTHES TO COVER UP ALL THE SEX TOYS

Aria is still freaking out about Wilden’s car, but Hanna is so over that. I mean it was like a full week ago. I mean, who has the energy to care about that plot line while Emily is meeting a gold medalist? Besides, it’s not like the GPS tracker will work underwater.

UNLESS IT SPECIFICALLY SAYS “SAFE FOR UNDERWATER PLAY” ON THE PACKAGING

We briefly rejoin the Emily, Shauna and Missy Franklin as they part ways, just in time for this product placement from Apple.

OKAY NOW ONE WITH SHIRTS OFF

Oh and sexy eyes get made. I super hope that Emily dumps Paige for Shauna. Or cheats on Paige with Shauna. Imagine the Shauna Drama! Even though I thought I was all Paily forever, Shauna seems much more confident and is smoking hot. Plus it wouldn’t be a true representation of high school lesbianism if everyone wasn’t dating everyone else’s ex. Oh and then Paige could date Samararara. Perf.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE MISSING

OH I’LL HAVE YOU. MAYBE NOT TODAY, MAYBE NOT TOMORROW. BUT SOON.

Back over at Radley, Spencer chats with her favorite orderly, Lamb. He wants to know why Spencer was asking all about the badges and stuff. Spencer wants to know if he knows MonA and TobAy. He and Spencer talk long into the night. This seems highly unprofessional. He admits there was a problem with the badges and with the internal vistor’s system. They traced it all back to someone on the staff who will probably be Dr. Sullivan or Wren or both.

GOOD YOU’RE GETTING BETTER. NOW THE COMPLETE LESBIAN SIT IS HANDS FLOPPING LIKE MINE, BUT YOU CAN DO OPEN HANDS LIKE THAT IF YOU WANT TOO.

Just before Orderly Lamb leaves, he tells Spencer that she’s staying in what was previously MonA’s room. Spencer looks down and what does she see? The title of this episode!

THIS IS A LITTLE HEAVY HANDED EVEN FOR THIS SHOW

Cue the pastel flashback. Loser Mona sits in church singing a hymn with the lyrics “Will the circle be unbroken?” Nearby, Spencer and Ali, snicker at Mona for singing and not joining them as the oldest looking 15 year olds of all time. Potentially also for wearing her hair in half-pigtails which, admittedly, I rocked balls deep when I was fourteen.

TALKING ‘BOUT MYYY GIIIRRRLL. MY GIRL!

Outside the church, Ali and Spencer stroll off into the small town distances. Ali jokes around about her diary and how she’s writing it for Spencer.

PINKY, ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I’M THINKING.

Spencer: Let me see.
Ali: Nope. You’re going to have to wait until after.
Spencer: Until after what?
Ali: Until after I’m dead.
Spencer: Ew, don’t be so gruesome.
Ali:I’m not being gruesome, I’m being mysterious.
Spencer: Forget it. I don’t want to read your stupid diary anyway.
Ali: Yes you do. I’m writing them for you.
Spencer: Them?
Ali: They’re beyond scandalous. You’re gonna need them if you’re gonna carry on after I’m gone
Spencer: Carry on what?
Ali: Carrying on being harassed by some psycho killer muffin man who is out to get you guys!!! Come on! Get with the program!

On the one hand, for once you see why Spencer liked Ali. Ali seems fun and she and Spencer actually seem like friends. It’s a nice change because for a hot minute there I was having trouble understanding why they didn’t all tell Ali to go fuck herself. Still, it wasn’t exactly plot revealing. You would think Spencer would have retrieved this memory, oh I don’t know, when her friend died shortly after it. You would think.

NOW LETS GO WATCH THE L WORD AND HUG OUR LEGS IN FRIENDSHIP

When Spencer sees Lamb again, the next morning, he wants to chat even more. He’s kind of a busy bee. He’d had a sudden realization. He says he actually met a one Mr. TobAy Cavanaeuigh back when his mother was a patient. That’s right, big reveal, TobAy’s mom was in a mental hospital before she died. I gotta be honest I’m not really sure what the take away is here. Let’s move on.

UNLESS YOU LIVE IN AMERICA.

Starsweep to Ezra’s Annex where Byron stops by to talk to Ezra. He explains that there aren’t positions open in his department, but he’ll do the best he can to help anyways. Perhaps Ezra can find a job as a dentist or hair stylist or one of the many other jobs he’s completely unqualified to do along with being a college professor.

JUST FARTED.

Starsweep to the hallowed toilet stalls of Rosewood high. Hanna, Spencer and Aria converge in the girl’s bathroom to discuss Aria’s new panache for dressing like a middle aged cougar. They’re also in shock that Spencer was the first to crack. They figured that it would be Emily and the dead girlfriend or Aria and the… the… the… Actually A rarely makes bad shit happen to Aria. Either way Hanna’s not surprised. She saw Spencer’s smart little tush headed for the ground years ago.

REALLY? BECAUSE I HAVEN’T FOUND IT YET.

Mona walks into the bathroom stare at herself in the mirror for a little while and the Liars play their usual dancing around the truth game. Mona says she has no idea where Spencer is, Aria threatens to break Mona’s neck, Mona applies more lip gloss. The usual.

WE’RE BETTER AT IT THAN YOU

Later, Aria is called to the principal’s office. You may remember the school principal from moment such as “earlier this episode” and “actually never seen before then.” I thought for a minute Aria might be in trouble for repeated threatening to nail gun MonA’s face to the wall, but you know as soon as she sits down that this is about Ezra.

YOU UNDERSTAND, OF COURSE, THAT I DON’T BOTHER TO CLOSE THE BLINDS ANYMORE AFTER THE REALIZATION THAT THIS WHOLE TOWN IS BUGGED WITH VIDEO CAMERAS AND MICROPHONES.

The principal asks Aria point blank if she’s “seeing Ezra socially.” You know, like if his penis is socially seeing the inside of her abdomen. Aria, of course, lies her ass off claiming they weren’t together and never were. It’s probably not her best move.

I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT MAN.

Elsewhere, Ashley and Pastor Ted talk about how Ashley is going to some NY conference/job interview for many a job in NY. Adults are boring. Wheeeee

I’M JUST SAYING LET’S MAKE OUR CONVERSATION QUICK BECAUSE NO ONE CARES ABOUT OUR PLOTLINE

Time jump to G-d knows when, MonA shows up to Radley under the guise that she is delivering cookies to the staff.

YOU CAN HAVE ONE NIGHT WITH ME OR ONE NIGHT WITH THE COOKIES. YOU PICK BABE.

Spencer isn’t pleased. MonA brings up way back when Spencer busted her for being on the A team. As no one remembers, MonA tried to recruit Spencer for the A team. MonA again invites Spencer to join the team. Spencer doesn’t give a shit, and claims that MonA must need something from her. Like horseback riding lessons or the secret to endlessly shiny hair. MonA reveals that she actually has all of Alison’s diaries on her iPad and even knows that Alison wasn’t pregnant. She’s got all sorts of answers to questions Spencer hasn’t even thought of. Like, “How do you properly clean a Rodeoh?”, or, “Who killed Jenny?” That’s right. MonA even knows who killed Jenny. So yeah. MonA stops by to recruit Spencer for the A Team and assure her that she’s not crazy. That’s the whole thing.

THANK YOU LUNA LOVEGOOD.

Elsewhere, Ashley heads out of town in the dead of night, leaving Hanna at Emily’s house. They’re making an awful big deal of this seeing as no one in Rosewood’s parents are ever around ever. Jeez, you think there would be a whole lot more house parties. Just as Hanna and Emily are walking into the house, Wilden shows up. Hanna decides to look the fate straight in its stupid, B plot line face and confront Wilden.

AND SOMETIMES YOU JUST SAY DUMB STUFF BECAUSE YOU KNOW IT WILL LOOK FUNNY ON TUMBLR LATER

All Wilden wants is his car back. He’s like so over this plot line and he’s hoping he can still score with Ashley eventually. Plus we know Ali wasn’t actually pregnant now so he looks way less suspicious. Too bad Hanna already sunk his car. Oops.

LISTEN CAN YOU JUST GET ME MY CAR SO WE CAN WRAP THIS UP? BECAUSE I HAVE A REUNION WITH THE CAST FROM “POPULAR” IN LIKE AN HOUR

Starsweep to Radley, Spencer does some group therapy which seems really inconsistent with a 72 hour evaluation. She sort of talks herself into a tizzy, which is exactly why CBT is way more helpful for type-A anxious women.

MAYBE EVERYONE OUT THERE IS A LIAR. AND MAYBE THIS WHOLE WORLD IS STUPID AND IGNORANT. BUT I’D RATHER BE IN IT. I’D RATHER BE FUCKING IN IT THAN DOWN HERE WITH YOU.

The end of it is a really dramatic zoom in of Spencer face as she hallucinates/imagines talking to the other Liars. In an impressive move of consistency, I think they’re wearing the last outfits Spencer saw them in.

THAT A LESBIAN SLOUCH SIT IF I EVER SAW ONE

I’m impressed. The message seems to be that Spencer is joining the A team. Can’t say I’m disappointed. At least this will mix things up a bit. At the very least Spencer should ask to join the A Team just to find out who Redcoat A is!

AND THEN SPENCER’S A NAME CAN BE SP*A*NKS-HER. GET IT!

In our finally friendly neighborhood A scene we find out that the A Lair is alive and kicking! But now it’s an A-Mobile! I hope it’s also a Food Truck– delicious freshly made lies straight from a truck.

WOULDN’T ALL THIS STUFF BE EASIER TO ACCESS IF IT WERE NEATLY FILED AND CATEGORIZED?

Tune in next week when, hopefully, Emily and Shauna will take a midnight swim and, more realistically, we’ll revisit whatever insipid plot line Caleb’s dad is toting around these days.