This week on Pretty Little Liars nothing got better and everything got worse. The Liars dug themselves in even deeper and for the most part A stayed out of it and just watched the shit hit the fan.

We open on the starlit town of Rosewood in Spencer’s bedroom, just exactly where we left off last week. Spencer is finally ready to tell the other Liars about TobAy but she doesn’t want to perform without a proper audience. I think this is sort of like how doing karaoke for one person is weird, but doing it for a packed bar is awesome. Spencer manages to wrangle up Emily and Aria, but Hanna is nowhere to be found.

EMILY, I’M DISAPPOINTED THAT YOU MISSED THE MEMO ON THE ALL WHITE DRESS CODE FOR MY BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.

Despite Spencer’s misgivings and overwhelming need for attention, she reveals the big news.

…. BIG DILDO-FACE

Why isn’t Hanna here for this big moment? Because she’s still dealing with her mom running over Wilden. Speaking of the I Know What You Did Last Summer twins, the two return to their house to make a game plan.

HOW DO I USE THIS TEXT MESSAGE THING AGAIN? IS IT LIKE AN EMAIL?

Ashley, because she’s an adult, wants to call the hospital and the police. Hanna, on the other hand, know that the Rosewood Gods need a big juicy secret in order to keep the stars aligned. Somehow Ashley is convinced by her 17 year old daughter that keeping this all a secret is a grand old idea. The a police siren sounds, a dog howls and everything is suspicious and scary.

SHIT. WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT? I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO IN THE BLACK VELVET BAG IN MY BEDROOM!

Back over at Spencer’s, the Liars try to wrap their minds around the news. Aria is pretty signed on from the get-go. I mean, just a few weeks ago she was prepared to believe her dad was A. Aria loves to jump on the A bandwagon.

GEEZ SPENCER, I’D LOVE TO HELP YOU RIGHT NOW BUT I’VE SOMEHOW MANAGED TO GET A CAMEL TOE FROM MY SHIRT. SO YOU CAN IMAGINE MY CURRENT LEVEL OF MATURITY.

On the other hand, Emily refuses to believe that TobAy is a bad dude. I mean, why would a man ever hurt someone?! He loves her and nothing says respect and safety like high school love.

UNLESS IT’S CONSENSUAL AND THERE’S A SAFE WORD INVOLVED

NOT THE BOOBS. I MEAN, YOU LOOK AT THE BOOBS SOMETIMES, BUT IN THIS PARTICULAR SITUATION TRY TO KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE FACTS.

The big beautiful sun rises the next day and Emily still isn’t satisfied. At work she calls TobAy and explains she really need to talk to him. Obviously he doesn’t pick up so Emily does what every good lesbian does a just redials over and over again so that when he eventually looks at his phone it say “You have 37 missed calls from Emily.” Classic.

NOTHING TOO SPECIAL… WHY? WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

Nothing good can come of this except that TobAy will just convinced Emily that Spencer is insane or something. Fortunately, Emily still has a key to TobAy’s loft in her secret jar of keys. Time to go clue huntin’.

HER NAILS ARE WAAAYY TOO LONG

Starsweep to Ezra’s Annex where Aria is still doing that unannounced drop by thing. Guess who’s there? It’s Malcolm, Ezra’s long lost son!

GUESS I SHOULDN’T HAVE WORN MY NAUGHTY MAID COSTUME UNDER THIS

Now that Maggie and Malcolm are getting evicted, Maggie’s decided to try to move the two to Rosewood. I mean, new jobs are just so easy to find these days. Aria tries to excuse herself, because she’s more appropriately aged to be Malcolm’s big sister than his mom, but Ezra insists she stay. Ezra wants to set a good example for his son about age appropriate women.

YUP. I AM PRETTY PLEASED WITH WHAT THIS THING PRODUCED.

Starsweep to TobAy’s loft where Emily and Hanna sleuth it out. Well, Emily is sleuthing. Hanna is mostly justing watching TV. Classic Hanna. Hanna is also officially the gayest looking girl in this episode. She’s rocking an outfit she clearly purchased after her foray into the amazing world of dyke night at the gay bar.

STUDS ON STUDS ON STUDS

Actually, Hanna is only watching the news in case something comes up about Wilden’s death or disappearance. Not because she wants to be informed. Everyone knows being informed is so 2009.

LISTEN, I WON’T CALL IT AN “EXPERIMENTAL PHASE” IF THAT REALLY BOTHERS YOU SO MUCH.

Emily’s pretty ripshit that Hanna isn’t helping. She really just wants to clear TobAy’s name so they can live happily ever after being continuously blackmailed by some unidentified person. I guess she’s torn up because TobAy was apparently such a big part of her coming out. That’s not how I remember it. I remember picture and blackmail being involved. I feel like this is just like how Finn help Santana come out. I want to vomit. Like worse than the time I drank a ton of dirty martinis, ate a bunch of questionable oysters went to sleep and woke up four hours later and boarded a plane. Worse than that time.

HE ALSO STILL HAS MY L WORD SEASON 3 DVD SO, LIKE WE REALLY NEED TO FIND HIM

Emily finds TobAy’s Radley parking pass, with the name “E. Lamb,” inside a book she gave him. Exactly where A would leave it there for her to find. How are the Liars not getting any better at this?

AND AFTER YOU COME OUT THERE IS A WHOLE WORLD OF MOTOCYCLES YOU CAN CHOOSE FROM

Back over at Ezra’s, Malcolm, Aria and Ezra are having the best time ever. I mean, who wouldn’t when there are trains involved! Who doesn’t love trains?! Except Taylor.

AND THEN YOU JUST MAKE YOUR MOUTH FEEL THE MOST LIKE A VAGINA POSSIBLE

Just as the trains were reaching maximum fun capacity, Maggie comes home! I’d forgotten that she was Alex Mack and looks exactly the same. Obviously I will henceforth refer to her as Maggie Mack.

FOUR SEASONS WITH MY OWN SHOW AND THIS WAS THE BEST MY AGENT COULD DO?

Maggie Mack and Ezra try to sort out who’s going to be with Malcolm when that evening. When neither is free, Aria offers to help. That’s right, she’s going to be Ezra and Maggie’s high school baby-sitter. I’d also like to point out that if Emily was ever with a woman as old as Maggie Mack there would be worldwide outrage.

WHEN ARIA FINALLY REALIZED THIS WAS NOT THE DAY TO HAVE PAINTED HER PANTS ON.

At Spencer’s, we finally get to see why A was making a funeral wreath. Looks like it wasn’t for Wilden, but just to threaten Spencer. Remember the good old days where we never found out what A’s final cut scene shenanigans were about? When we would just watch A have coffee in a diner or something? Those were the days.

FORTUNATELY PEOPLE DIE SO OFTEN IN ROSEWOOD THIS REALLY DOESN’T STAND OUT

Spencer responds by calling an official meeting of the Babysitter’s Club at the Life Cafe. Things are tense because Emily still doesn’t believe TobAy is A. This is getting annoying. I hate naive Emily.

IN WHICH EMILY FINALLY PERFECTS LESBIAN POSTURE

Just then, the Liars notice MonA is hanging around. How dare she order a coffee with delightfully wind swept hair. Spencer stomps right up to her and tries to be direct without actually being direct. You know, saying things like “I got your flowers” instead of “MonA knock it the fuck off and stop harassing me and my friends. It’s a fucking pain in the ass.” MonA says some cryptic weird shit about orchids dying and then gives Emily the major sex eyes.

OH THIS OLD THING? IT’S TOTES FROM ANTHROPOLOGIE.

WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS LOOK AT ME WHENEVER SOMEONE SAYS “GIRL-ON-GIRL CULTURE”?

It’s worth noting that Spencer continues to be styled as “sad Spencer” and still looks better than I do most days of the week.

HANNA’S BEST PHOTO BOMB EVER.

Timejump to later that day when Aria is searching through all her old toys. Ella stops by the house and wants to know if something weird is going on or Aria is just going to a hipster Transformers party. She also mentions that Ezra called about a job for “a friend” named Maggie Mack who is definitely not his baby-mama, just some woman he knows.

WHY DID YOU LET ME TURN ALL MY OLD TOYS INTO STATEMENT JEWELRY?!

Aria immediately starts lying and saying she doesn’t know who Maggie Mack is or why Ezra might have called Ella looking for a job. Ella isn’t really buying it, but then again she’s not exactly one to ask questions. I wonder if she’s still dating that biker guy.

OH AND ARIA? PUT SOME PANTS ON.

Starsweep down the block where Emily, still on the hunt, shows up at TobAy’s parents’ house. No one is home but she meets some guy outside. He says he’s just filling in for TobAy on his construction job. Emily presses him for details but Builder Boy doesn’t have the details. Still, he’s a guy between the ages of 15 and 40 living in Rosewood so I imagine he’ll be smooching on one of the Liars by the end of the month.

EXCUSE ME? YOU DON’T KNOW ME BUT YOU’RE A GOOD LOOKING MAN AGES 15-40. ARE YOU INTERESTED IN SLEEPING WITH ONE OF MY FRIENDS DURING SEASON FOUR?

Spencer spends some significant time staring at the funeral wreath in her living room. All of a sudden, she realizes something that no one else in the world would ever see. It took me two watches before I saw it. This, my friends, is how you get a 1600 on your SATs (or whatever that equals in the newfangled grading system).

IF ONLY I COULD FIGURE OUT HOW TO REPURPOSE THESE FLOWERS AS BOUQUETS IN A LESBIAN FLASH MOB WEDDING

Spencer invites Emily over, claiming that the wreath proves that TobAy really is bad. The “Deepest Sympathies” banner is entirely shiny, except an “E” and an “M.”

OR E.M. JUST STANDS FOR EZRA’S MOTHER. OR EMILY’S MISTRESS. OR ELLA’S MANFRIEND. I THINK WE NEED TO BE A LITTLE MORE OUTSIDE THE BOX ON THIS.

Spencer takes this to mean Emily is is next on A’s list. Emily takes this to mean that TobAy is probably just planning the most elaborate anniversary gift ever.

NOW KISS.

Starsweep across town where Ashley Marin is still freaking out about maybe killing Wilden.

I HOPE THIS JACKET WAS REALLY ON SALE

Just as she is deeply pondering all this, Ashley thinks she sees Wilden across the street. Or maybe not. It could just be one of the many hallucinations experienced by Rosewoodians based on whatever the fuck is in the water. You never know with this show. Actually, I’m pretty sure she did see him and he’s just on the A team now. Or maybe he always was.

IS IT WILDEN? OR JUST ONE OF THE MANY BORING MIDDLE AGED WHITE GUYS WHO ALL LOOK THE SAME WHO LIVE IN ROSEWOOD

As the longest day ever continues, Hanna joins Aria over at Ezra’s Annex for baby-sitting time. Aria fixes Malcolm a snack, because babysitting is literally the easiest shit ever when you just let the kid play videogames the whole time.

I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE

Aria and Hanna finally speculate on why TobAy makes sense as A. Hanna notes that TobAy did manage to bring Dr. Sullivan back in just the knick of time. She, of course, ended up diagnosing MonA with a mental illness that resulted in her going to Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane instead of jail. Finally someone thought to put those pieces together.

YOU KNOW I THINK THIS NEW LESBIAN OUTFIT IS REALLY CHARGING UP MY BRAIN CELLS

Gosh this really is a long day.

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