Pretty Little Liars Recap 315: Mona-Mania Versus Spanking Spencer

You back? Okay great, because just as Aria starts to panic, Byron opens the door. He sees her looking around and starts acting all weird and creepy again. He mentions, in a sickly sweet voice, that he always thought it was so clever how Aria hid her Halloween candy from her brother in her boots. Oh Jeez.

THIS MAN RECEIVED A THANK YOU FROM LENA DUNHAM AT THE GOLDEN GLOBES. SHOULD NOT BE TRUSTED

Starsweep to Spencer’s where she and TobAy are prepping for the Speech Off. Just then TobAy gets a call from his “boss” who is clearly totally main A. Ew I hate his more and more with every episode. The most important part of this scene is that TobAy and Spencer don’t kiss, keeping Paige and Emily as the only kissing couple.

PREPPING FOR THE AFOREMENTIONED MUD WRESTLING

Float on over to Lucas’s bedroom where Hanna pulls the age old Your Mom Let Me In. Lucas has been up there for hours polishing his dozens of batman action figures and practicing going up and down his bunk beds.

A MODERATELY ACCURATE RECONSTRUCTION OF MY HIGH SCHOOL BEDROOM

Lucas reveles that he’s switching to home schooling. I really really want to make a home schooling joke here but I get the feeling that some of you were probably home school and turned out just fine so I’ll let this one slide. Mona had been blackmailing Lucas. Turns out Mr. Lucas was selling all the answers to every single test in school. I’m pretty impressed since, last time I checked, like 99% of high school tests are made new each year and usually essay or long form calculation style. Either way, Lucas is really freaked out since after he tried to quit the A-Team, Mona tried to run him over with an SUV. Remember?! We saw that last episode! Except it wasn’t Mona, it was TobAy!

YEAH SO BASICALLY I JUST SIT HERE AND JERK OFF TO INTERNET PORN ALL DAY

Later that night, Paige and Emily pull over at the side of the road on the way to their party. Is it because she and Emily are going to do some backseat scissoring? Nope. What about some back seat second basing? Nope. Okay, how about just some light lady kissing? Nope nope nope. No funny business at all.

WHY CAN’T WE JUST HAVE CAR SEX LIKE NORMAL HIGH SCHOOL COUPLES?

Instead, Paige freaks the fuck out. Apparently she’s the only person at Rosewood High who recognizes that a string of murders taking place out at night in the middle of the woods probably means they shouldn’t be going out at night in the middle of the woods. Quick one, that Paige. Paige admits that her parents aren’t forcing her to come home early, she’s been extremely scared to leave her house.

ALL I MEANT WAS THAT I WANTED YOU TO FUCK ME WITH A STRAP ON!

Instead of getting back in the car and returning home, the two go for a walk in the woods. Seriously.

THAT AREA OVER THERE LOOKS HAUNTED, LET’S TAKE A STROLL

Elsewhere: SPEECH OFF! SPEECH OFF! SPEECH OFF! Nope, still not that impressive. Either way, Mona and Spencer show up good to go. Actually, Spencer looks the most like a porn star ever.

NOW KISS.

I wish I could narrate this professional sports style, but I just can’t. I mean, okay, here goes. Spencer’s in the lead from the get go. Mona keeps missing answers by just a word or two, but starts to edge in. That’s right, she’s behind but she edges in from the rear. Hehe.

WHAT IS THE CODE NAME FOR GETTING A GIRL’S BRA OFF

At the end of round two Spencer is up by three points. Mona sort of wants to take an intermission but Spencer won’t quit– she’s hitting all her baskets from the three point line tonight. She’s all hardcore, but Mona doubles down.

BLOW JOBS GIVEN ON SCHOOL PROPERTY

It all comes down to the last question. All of the countries dissolved at the end of the Soviet Union… in alphabetic order. 10 seconds left to go, the ball hits the rim and NOOOO Spencer forgets Latvia. NOT LATVIA. Mona wins. Now who’s spanking whom?
Elsewhere Aria overhears Papa Rageface arguing with Meredith. I’m unclear, are they together? He gets overly handsy and aggressive.

WHO DOES NUMBER TWO WORK FOR?!

Meredith runs away screaming and crying and Aria follows her super stealth style. She tracks Meredith all the way to a coffee shop where she finds her drowning her sorrows in tea. Meredith explains she caught Papa Rageface in Aria’s room snooping about. Meredith was unimpressed so she snooped around a bit too.

SHE HAD A HINT. I MEAN, IT’S IN THE TITLE

She found the Ali’s journal pages in Byron’s dresser, but explains that she knew that he was being blackmailed. Byron had come to Meredith the night Ali was murdered. Byron thought Meredith had something to do with his blackmailing.

BUT YOU KNOWING ABOUT THE BLACKMAIL STILL DOESN’T EXPLAIN WHERE THE OTHER HALF OF MY JACKET WENT.

Paige and Emily get back from their walk to find their tire flat. Paige, despite being concerned that she’s not a strong enough women, gets down on the ground and starts to change it. Did I mention she’s wearing a plaid button-up and a down vest? And a slouchy black hat. I can honestly say it was the most lesbian moment on television including the entire series The L Word.

MECHANICAL LESBIAN REALNESS

Just then, there’s rustling in the bushes! It’s someone hooded! The hooded figure runs away into the woods. I’m pretending it’s Samara, jealous of Paige but also getting aroused by her tire changing. Paige wants to run away, but Emily is finally armed with a flashlight. She runs after the figure into the woods, but unfortunately he gets away.

PAIGE DON’T WORRY. A CAN’T HURT US AS LONG AS WE HAVE A FLASHLIGHT.

The two walk back to the car to finish changing the tire. Unbeknownst to Paige and Emily, the figure is reveled to be TobAy. That dick.

UNIMPRESSED

After Mona’s win, the current captain offers to go to the faculty advisor and try for an overrule. But Spencer don’t play that game. She plays the call Hanna and leave upset game. Before they can leave, though, Hanna has to get a good jab in at Mona.

WORST O FACE EVER

You know how sometimes you’re really mad at someone and you plan what you’re going to say to them? How if they push you one more time, you’re going to tell them that you never want to see them again. That your friendship is over and there’s nothing they can do or say. Then, when that moment comes, because you’ve got this long planned out thing to say, you just bubble over and let it loose. It’s perfect and slices right through the person, but then it’s so cutting that afterwords you feel terrible and regret it? That’s basically what happened. Except we haven’t gotten to the part where Hanna regrets it. But I’m sure we will.

SLICE AND DEIS WAS ALSO THE NAME OF A BRANDEIS SITCOM THAT I MADE A BRIEF APPEARANCE ON

For some totally unexplainable reason, the car flat tire necessitates Paige sleeping over at Emily’s. More importantly this basically fulfills all our hopes and dreams.

YOU ARE APPROXIMATELY 3 FEET TOO FAR APART

Well, sort of. On a mattress on the floor. Paige explains that she’s scared and doesn’t understand how Emily isn’t. In the second most lesbian TV moment of all time Emily blames herself for Paige’s fear and suggests that she go talk to a therapist.

BUT WHAT IF I NEVER GET DUSTY AND ROMI’S CHRISTMAS SONG OUT OF MY HEAD?

Then Emily kisses her goodnight and tucks her in and it’s the cutest ever! JK it would be a whole lot cuter if she got into bed with her and they spooned on the twin mattress.

ORAL SEX: YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

Back at the Montgomery’s, Aria thinks she has the actual flu. This, of course, tells us she is totally actually pregnant.

THAT’S NOT WHERE THE PREGNANCY TEST GOES

How funny would it be if Ezra got two different high school seniors pregnant?

WHAT IF THERE WERE TWO OF THESE?!

In our final scary cut scene we see Byron leave his office. Just outside a hooded figure watches him go. It’s Mona– with a cell phone– announcing Byron’s departure.

HELLO? HAS ANYONE SEEn MIKE HUNT?

No wait. That’s not the final cut scene! There’s another! With a hooded figured stashing the masks from the Halloween Train under some leaves. To me this means that somehow A is framing Byron. Why? Because A is always framing whomever we think the bad guy is. Always. Those are the rules.

DEAR TOBAY, I HATE YOU, GET THE FUCK OFF MY TV

Tune in next week where it will be revealed that TobAy is actually just a formidable robotic assassin and soldier, designed by the military supercomputer Skynet for infiltration and combat duty, towards the ultimate goal of exterminating the human resistance. Also, I’ll try to determine why watching Pretty Little Liars makes me so hungry and hopefully replenish my mango salsa supply.