The phone goes dead. In jail, Hanna and Ali glare at each other. And in Spencer’s living room, the Liars furrow their brows and wonder where in the world they’re going to find a girl who owns a jacket with flowers on it.
Aria is very freaked out for Mike because of how Leslie Stone named him in court today as one of the people who would not let her have all of Mona’s possessions and/or move into Mona’s bedroom after Mona died, but Mike says it’s about time for him to tell the truth to a court of law anyway.
Aria does not want Mike to take the stand, and her point about the imminent danger of doing such a thing is proven when he lugs a FedEx box in the front door in a minute and there’s a giant fucking blue whale tongue in there. Even Mike can barely lift the — dripping (gag!) — tongue out of the box and his whole body is just pecs. Aria and Mike manage to shove the tongue back into the box and cover it up before Ella comes bebopping into the room to tell them dinner is ready. (Only a dismembered mouth part from a sea beast could eclipse Ella Montgomery making a glorious entrance back into our lives.) Aria tells Mike it’s a warning from A and if he talks, it’ll be his tongue getting mailed around the world next.
Down at the precinct, Toby gets pissy with Tanner when she asks him to make a Starbucks run. He says he went through the “academy” the same as everyone else. He does not know why Tanner is freezing him out just because he is the boyfriend of the Spencer who was arrested for murdering Bethany who was buried in the grave of Alison who faked her own death and is now on trial for killing Mona who was forced to check into a sanitarium for emotionally torturing Spencer who also spent time in the same sanitarium after Toby faked his death to go to work for Mona during the time when she found the dead body of Darren Wilden who was murdered by Cece Drake who looks exactly like Alison and Hanna and Bethany who all look like the girl murdering Mona on that video. Tanner stares at him without blinking for ten full seconds before telling him to just go get the goddamn coffee.
Before this show is over, I want to see Tanner have a conversation with Cece Drake. About literally anything. Doesn’t have to be about how she killed a police officer. Could be about purses. Cat care. Eyeliner. Camping. Wine. The Voice. Just anything. I want to see them interact one enchanted time. It’ll be like the opposite of those Cute Overload pictures where the zebras nurse the baby lions.
Every day is laundry day at jail, and Hanna waits patiently in line while Alison hands out clean jumpsuits to everyone. When it’s Hanna’s turn, they have a covert conversation about the anagrams from Mona’s mirror. They exchange notes and agree to meet back at laundry duty tomorrow night to see if either of them have cracked Mona’s code. Pretty sure both of y’all already cracked Mona’s code (for something gay).
The next day, Aria rushes to Ezra’s bookstore and finds him out back fixing the transmission in his windowless white van. She asks him to please take Mike for “a long drive up to his cabin”* because surely the three years of “research”** he did on the Liars makes him understand how dangerous everything is for Mike right now.
*kidnap
**stalking
And Ezra’s all about how Aria is in danger and he can’t believe there’s cow parts involved and he wishes Ella was the one who had opened that box because this is so scary the only person who can help them is the police. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS MOTHERFUCKER? CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM? He watched Aria and her friends get tortured eleven ways to Sunday FOR YEARS and never went to the police and never even intervened to keep them from getting axe-murdered even one of the times they were axe-murdered, and it’s not even like it’s the first time dead cow pieces have been involved. Mona got that brain in her locker like sophomore year! But now everyone’s in danger and now everyone needs to go to the police and now he’s not sure he wants to break the law. It’s about ethics in true crime reporting, I guess.
Anyway, after he consults his newly acquired conscience for an hour, he decides he will help Aria.
Emily and Spencer decide to launch their worldwide investigation into That One Girl Who Wears a Jacket With Flowers at the shady park where Ali says she was on Thanksgiving. They do not find anyone wearing jackets. Or coats. Or parkas. Or tunics. But they do find some church kids cleaning up the park garbage. This place has been a real mess since Johnny stopped coming here to get his painting supplies. The church kids say they haven’t seen any girls around wearing jackets, but they say they’ll keep a lookout for such an odd sight.
