Less spiritually elevating: Spencer and Johnny stop at a gas station and are immediately confronted by Officer Toby.
Officer Toby: We got a call that the this exact artwork in your van was stolen from an art gallery one mile from here about ten minutes ago. Please step away from the vehicle, sir.
Spencer: What? No! Toby, stop acting like a jealous jerk!
Officer Toby: Now, I’m sure that my girlfriend Spencer Hastings had nothing to do with this theft because my girlfriend Spencer Hastings would fill up her getaway car with gas before she committed a crime. That’s what I know about the brain inside the head of my girlfriend Spencer Hastings.
Johnny: Well, I trespassed and vandalized to create these paintings on the side of a building I do not own, and then I did some light breaking and entering and some casual theft to steal this art, which, again, is painted onto material I can claim no right to, and so I don’t see what the problem is, Officer.
Spencer: He’s just mad because I’ve been hanging out with you!
Officer Toby: Can you even hear yourself right now?
Johnny: I live by my own moral code that is based on my delusions of what the world should be like and work very hard to make people feel inferior to me when they choose a more reality-based approach to personal ethics.
Officer Toby: Whatever, just get in the car. You’re super under arrest.
Spencer: HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
Officer Toby: Tanner is trying to use me to get to you, which is why I am staying away, by the way.
Spencer: TOBY DON’T BE A BUTTHOLE. LEAVE HIM ALONE.
Officer Toby: Spencer, where’s Aria? Go home and think about that.
When Nan Zabriskie shows up to evaluate Hanna’s pageant talent, it’s all pretty chill. Just regular human dancing. But somewhere in the middle of it, Hanna is filled with the Holy Ghost. She pops, she locks, she gyrates, she gives it the ol’ hiiiii-YA, and the triple whiz-BANG! She does t-rex arms, octopus arms, she does gun-fingers, she does the cold weather seizure shakes. It’s zazzle fingers to the left and shusher fingers to the right. Cyclone arms. Bloobalooby feet. Backwards rhombus ruffles. Stump shudders. Her head jolts, her arms waggle, her feet are the sensation of the palpitation nation.
Emily realizes about two-thirds of the way through that her controlled sexy dancing is no match for Hanna’s spiritual convulsions. This routine operates on a plane very rarely occupied by mortals, and so Emily wisely removes herself to the side of the dance floor to allow the majesty to wash over her.
When Hanna is finished dancing, she gives a little first pump of righteousness and Nan Zabriskie stares at her like she’s seeing the sun for the first time. Unfortunately, she tells Hanna she cannot enter the pageant because her ferocity is too much competition for Beyonce and the world will never stand for it. Hanna cries a little bit. Nan tells Emily to enter, though.
Mike finds Aria rootin’ around in his tree and because his main mode is screaming these days, he screams. It’s Mona’s blood, he says, and Aria, terrified that he will be making a Mona clone or a Mona-shaped velociraptor with her DNA, breaks the blood beaker and runs off into the woods.
Veronica bails Johnny out of jail with the money he used for his security deposit, and summarily kicks him out of the barn. Before he goes, he kisses Spencer on the mouth. GET OUT AND STAY OUT, JOHNNY!
Talia is creeping on Emily again, late at night. She staked out her porch and when Emily never showed up there, Talia used her cobbler-bond with Pam to weasel out the information that Emily is hanging out at school with Hanna. And so that’s where she goes.
Talia: BOO!
Emily: JESUS, FUCK! This school has tried to kill me more than once, Talia. Slow your stalker roll.
Talia: I heard you met my horrible husband. He reminds you of Larry from Orange Is the New Black, huh? It’s cool, though, I’ll be your Piper!
Emily: Honestly, I probably will end up in jail at some point, but for right now, I gotta tell ya, I’m not interested in being the teenage fling you do finger-banging experiments with and then run home to tell your husband all about it.
Talia: Fine. I was getting a gay vibe off of Spencer and she seems like she’s into making bad decisions. Can I get her number?
Emily: GOODBYE TALIA.
Emily goes to Hanna’s house to console her, but Hanna is already consoling herself with a giant pizza that she is eating all by herself. Emily Fields, this perfect unicorn person, goes, “I will enter that pageant. I will win it. I will give you that money. You will go to college.” Hanna doesn’t know what to say. (Sometimes you can say more with kissing than with words, Hanna. Just sayin’.)
And Mike finally comes clean about why he’s been acting so sketch. Before Mona was murdered, he caught her siphoning off her own blood and storing it in a freezer in her bedroom that was disguised as a desktop computer. A had been in contact and had presented Mona with a plan to take down Alison: She’d collect her own blood for a couple of months, then they’d stage her murder and splash her blood all over the house, and in the wreckage they’d plant some evidence to incriminate Alison, and Alison would go to jail for killing Mona, and Mona would know who A really is, and Alison would be behind bars, and Mona would assume a new identity in a new town and the Liars would be saved and she would be a hero.
Mike thought this was a very shitty plan, and far below her normal standard of Hyperreal plotting, but he went along with it because he loved her. And she promised to meet up with him sometimes, in the woods, after she fake died. But now she keeps not showing up at their rendezvous points and Mike’s thinking maybe she is dead for real.
Wait, is there actually a chance Mona might be alive? Seriously? Jeez, what if she is Big A who was only pretending to be Little A working for a Bigger A? Gods, she’s my favorite villain in history. Be alive, you perfect little psycho!
Aria meets up with the Liars and tells them everything, about Mona, about Mike, about how they maaaaybe made the wrong decision when they formed a human shield to keep Ali from escaping from the police. Spencer’s face. Listening to Aria Montgomery reveal all these plot points to them that she figured out on her own, you can tell Spencer is starting to understand for the first time how Johnny was hardcore ruining her life.
The Risen Mitten breaks into Mike’s room to do a bicep workout. Gotta get ripped! It’s almost beach season!
The biggest most hugest thanks to Nicole (@PLLBigA) who totally called that thing about Mona and the blood way back in the middle of last season, and made these amazing screencaps, and always has the best PLL scoop on Twitter!
