Hanna kisses Buzzcut. Ashley walks in. Ashley is pretty much the best in this episode. I like her. Buzzcut has a lipstick mark on his neck, like a perfect lip imprint, which makes me think that Hanna is a weird person to make out with. Who pecks someone’s neck like that? No smudge? For real real? Ashley calls Hanna out on her self-destructive behavior – it’s about damn time – and Hanna gets defensive about it being her broken heart. Man, teen angst, amirite?
Remember that Toby storyline that’s been going on in this episode? Me either. But it finally got interesting! Turns out, Jessica Dilaurentis is on the Board of Trustees at Radley Sanitarium. This explains Peter Hasting’s sketchiness! He’s just trying to cover up the mother of his illegitimate son! Of course!
Aria goes to return Jake the necklace he gave her, and he tells her what he saw with Ezra, totally figures out that Ezra is a bad dude AND suggests that maybe Ezra is the one Aria was afraid of all this time. You guys. Jake isn’t even a main character and he just solved this entire show. Mic drop.
In a weird aside, Ashley takes Hanna to a plate smashing place. Yes, you read that right, Cracked Up is for people who want to throw plates against the wall. It’s a really niche market, apparently. I wonder if they have regulars. As I watched this with my sister, we couldn’t even believe this scene was happening.
Sister: Okay, so basically this is –
Me: A shooting range for women?
Sister: It’s the closest thing to a shooting range that ABC Family would allow on air. Oh my gosh, they’re wearing safety glasses!
All I wanted out of this scene was a bonding montage with a catchy pop song in the background.
Unfortunately, we are stolen from this moment in order to go to an Ezra and Aria scene.
First, what is Zyzel Magazine? Why does that seem like the weirdest product placement ever? It’s not even a real magazine. But there’s got to be clues on it, right? Here’s the cover up close:
Hmmm. So. Aria confronts Ezra, Ezra gets Creepy Face.
He spins the story about him yelling at CeCe Drake a mysterious blonde woman in a car. He says the woman in the car is Maggie’s lawyer, because he’s trying to get paternity rights of some sort despite having zero paternity rights in this instance.
This turns into a strange bonding moment and Aria buys it, and they make out. Oh surprise, they’re making out again, like they do for 30% of all PLL episodes. But we’ve gotten what, one Paige/Emily makeout? And Paige isn’t a creepy murderer. Just saying.
Speaking of Paige, where the fuck is Paige?
Speaking of girls Paige has dated, here’s Shana and Emily together in a car driving to an abandoned warehouse! This surely won’t end in someone dying at all! Before I could even say, “I bet Shana is going to drive off,” there she goes.
I’m glad Emily wore her running shoes, just in case. Oh wait, no, she wore twelve inch heels, oh okay, that seems reasonable.
IT’S ALI. They hug. I feel emotional for a moment.
But before I start crying, Ali gets weird and manipulative. So it must be Ali, since she’s weird and manipulative. She tells Emily not to trust the other girls, which is very obviously a play to separate Emily from the group. Ali begs Emily to help her find A so she can “come home.”
Spence breaks up the reunion and Ali books it into an elevator, where she pulls a David Blaine and disappears into thin air.
Instead of rationally thinking, “Ali manipulates us,” Emily flips out on Spencer while Spencer tries to explain that Ali is just trying to divide them again. It’s been said time and time again that Emily is the weak link, she’s almost always the one to be manipulated away from the others. But let’s never learn from our mistakes, okay? Or else this show would end pretty quickly. I bet we could squeeze like four more seasons out of this.
Let’s not swell on our dead friend reappearing and hugging us and begging us for help, we’ve got a Toby storyline to act like we care about! He says he signed the gag agreement and is really creepy and vague, which can ONLY mean that Toby’s hiding something. Oh good, another secret. I didn’t think we had enough of dishonesty in this show.
Toby’s mad, Spencer cries. Cue dramatic Women-Being-Upset montage/starsweep.
We land on Hanna, who is drunk dialing Caleb all like “Hey baby, it’s late, you free?” Sike. It’s more along the lines of, “I am super sad we broke up, but dating you was the best year of my life,” which is saying something when you’re seventeen, I guess.
But before we can care too much about a couple I actually liked/cared about, back to a couple I’d like to nominate for the “Totally Unlikely To Be Together IRL” award. Aria has just baked a cake, as one does, and Ezra walks back in with some whipped cream to spread all over her body and lick off. Oh damn, it’s for the cake.
Cue whipped cream on the upper lip thing. ABC Family sure can do cliche situations like only Lifetime has done before.
WAIT SURPRISE HE WASN’T REALLY GETTING WHIPPED CREAM HE WAS BEING A BAD PERSON BET YOU WEREN’T READY FOR THAT. Jake kicks his favorite old bag in a punch-dancing scene ripped straight out of Footloose only to find that there are knives in the bag! What the fuck, you guys? When did Ezra get so obviously evil?
In the ending A scene, we watch A bust open Shana’s locker, taking a look at The Tempest, which we also saw in Hanna’s bag last episode. There’s always something with the literature in here, any theories on that inclusion? Anyway, A tears up a picture of Ali and Shana and burns Shana’s half in some overexaggerated foreshadowing.
So. What did we learn? Let’s see:
Shana knew Ali since they were little.
Ezra was yelling at a blonde woman.
Jessica Dilaurentis is on the Board of Trustees of Radley Sanitorium.
Ali is legitimately alive and terrified of someone and Emily might still be in love with her?
I think this just ends up with about fifty more questions, including:
Is Shana good or working for A?
Is Ezra A? Because at this point it’s just way too obvious. Being blackmailed?
What’s in Toby’s mom’s background?
How does one get on the Board of Trustees for a Sanitarium?
Buzzcut: good or bad?
Did Ali really love Emily?
Ali: good or bad?
Tune in next week for more of the show Forever Intern Grace explains as, “amazing because it feels like so much is happening but somehow the plot never moves forward at all.”
