Caleb returns to suck face with Hanna and proverbially bitch-slap her wicked stepsister with two cheeseburgers at Hanna’s Dad’s wedding. Hanna ruins the wedding by telling Isabella — after the wedding has already begun — that Dad recently played hide-the-salami with Ashley Marin in the treehouse.
Aria presents Jackie, who can work wonders with a flat-iron, with evidence that Jackie plagiarized the article she’s getting published and tells Jackie she is not having Christmas in Hollis this year. Jackie retaliates by arriving at Chez Aria to inform Mom of Aria’s budding romance with Great Gatsby enthusiast Ezra McTeacher. Touche.
Spencer dumps Toby, who looks especially Munsterish this ep, in order to save him from A-induced car trouble and other elements of evil.
Much like Aria did with Jackie, Spencer does this cute toddlerish thing where she busts out quickly with her ultimatum and then immediately flees the scene. Spencer makes it across the street before she collapses, crying, in the grass, and it’s sort of heartbreaking and petrifying all at once — but Doctor Boy finds Spencer being a hot mess and quickly takes her mind off it:
The Crying Count for this episode is astronomical.
and you almost wonder if eventually being “caught” doing nothing is some kind of relief from the endless terror they experience in the free world. Usually imagining the worst is scarier than actually living it.
Next up we’ve got Emily in her SUV being bossed around by the Ghost Ninja GPS, and she can’t disobey that shit because when A says “RE-CALCULATING” she means it.
Oh look, Emily’s doll is in the back seat with her legs sprawled open like a tart. A respects Emily’s ethnicity and has therefore purchased a Josefina Montoya doll and, for mysterious reasons, dressed her up like a Mormon.
Lesbian Partner of Chucky: “I’m taking you to her, go alone!”
Emily’s like, fuck, I was planning on having five glasses of champagne and six tiny sandwiches for lunch at that wedding, hopefully A is leading me to Cracker Barrel or I might pass out and die in a barn.
No such luck, unless that barn is a Bob Evans:
Emily’s been lead to a large room of doom which she’ll surely walk inside and let the door close behind her like a girl who isn’t used to being stalked by crafty ghost ninjas. Indeed:
A brand new sports car leaks poisionus fumes of death while Emily ponders her fate.
Emily gets that panicky look in her eyes/cheeks/chin and starts pounding, yelling for someone to let her out in case Bambi or Mr.Ed or any other speaking animals are in the area.
Meanwhile her friends are at the not-wedding, wondering what the fuck happened to Emily:
We return to the Death Barn where Emily’s passed out —  but not for long! A, in her signature black gloves, drags Emily out of the barn and leaves her on the ground. Emily wakes  up in Fairieland, where Sookie Stackhouse and Keebler Elves live in abundance, weaving hair extensions into golden whips and sing-chanting Enya at the moonlight.
Guess who’s there?!
Allison: “It’s okay, you’re with me now.”
Emily: “Allison?”
Allison: “It’s so good to see you, Emily. I think I missed you the most. Just rest. It’s what you need, rest… I never told you this, but you were always my favorite. Nobody loved me as much as you did.”
This is hardly surprising — Allison’s a tricky object for a straight girl crush because she loves it, relishes in it, plays with it, teases it out and puts it on display. I’m sure Allison spent a significant portion of adolescence undressing in front of Emily while rubbing strawberry lotion on her legs with one leg inevitably positioned across Emily’s lap as Emily sat on the bed pretending to read The Great Gatsby.  Or something.
But beyond the games and the manipulation, Allison’s always been a bit kinder to Emily than she has to the other girls, save that time she made her feel like a lesbian predator. But Allison wouldn’t ever stroke Spencer’s hair or call Aria “sweet.” At the same time, Emily — who loved Allison romantically, sexually, all the ways — has never been as status conscious as her friends. Emily didn’t want Allison to make her popular. She just wanted Allison to be her girlfriend. And that’s the strongest love of all, every time.
Anyhow! sometimes my intern gets unruly and makes graphics I don’t ask for. I’m not sure what this one is but I think it’s related to Harry Potter?
I’m not gonna lie, I’m like 75% convinced that Allison is really alive and her ghost ninja alter-ego is A, but also maybe Mona is A, or Noel Kahn is A, or Spencer’s Dad is A, or Spencer’s Dad’s Lovechild Jason DiLawhatthefuck is A, except that we know he’s not A, because of the creepyshitttalk between Jenna Thing & Goofus Garrett that just like, made my blood curdle into cottage cheese and lose all sense of reality.
Emily: “Is this what dying is?”
Allison: “That bitch thinks this is what you really want, to be completely free of A.”
Emily: “Do you know who A is?”
Allison: “Of course I do.”
Emily: “You have to tell me.”
Allison: “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Emily: “Why?”
Allison: “Because two can only keep a secret if one of them is dead. You have to decide what you want, Emily. you can stay here, or you can come with me. [strokes Emily’s hair in a really creepy way] … sweet Emily.”
I feel like “that bitch” is Jenna? But who really knows.
Now let’s all recall when A visited Hanna in the hospital back in episode 111, as recapped by Jacob on TWOP (he is a far better recapper than I will ever be, I recommend his work highly):
There’s a gorgeous, spooky scene where Ali visits Hanna in the hospital, leaving a lipstick rim on her waterglass, but all we really need to discuss here is what Ghost Alison has to say. Hanna points out that Ali is dead and she says, “I heard that, too, but here I am.” What happened to her? “It’s complicated, Hanna. Really complicated. Worse than algebra.” What happened when she left the barn? Everybody wants to know. “You already do. The four of you combined, you remember more about that night than you think you do.” Where did she go? Did she meet a guy? Noel? “Pfft. Please.” Like she needs one more gay person obsessing on her.
Hanna begs Alison for the truth, but she just shakes her head. “It won’t make any difference, darling. You think the truth is some big shiny disco ball of purity? Then go ahead and try it. Be ‘honest.’ See what it gets you. Telling the truth to the wrong person at the wrong time is how I ended up where I am. Take it from me, you’re always better off with a really good lie.” At the door, she turns: “I was so scared that you were going to die. That’s why I came back. I didn’t care how dangerous it was, I had to see you.” Mysterious and magical! And then again: “You know, I really should do something about A. That bitch is genuinely getting on my nerves.”
I can’t remember who (if anyone) has said “two can keep a secret if one of them is dead” before besides the band playing the opening theme song, but it somehow seems significant that Allison said it, like it’s a thing Emily couldn’t have created in her own subconscious, you know?
Emily wakes up again to the faces of her paranoid friends!
Emily informs them that Allison’s alive and moved her out of the barn and they suggest maybe Emily’s just lost her marbles AGAIN, and Jesus Christ Spencer’s heels could make a sandbox lose its virginity.
They do a little PhotoHunt of the barn scene and find a giant shovel with longitute/latitude coordinates on it…
These coordinates lead them to another One Tree Hill backlot, where A instructs them to dig because, you know, Dr. Sullivan is probably buried alive, as these things so often go. Emily yells “DOCTOR SULLIVAN!” in this way that makes me laugh a lot.
Dressed like cotton candy, an Easter Tea Dance, Dorothy Gale and a Sexy Bridesmaid, the four girls get filthy as raccoons maniacally scratching away at the land to uncover — AÂ MANNEQUIN!
Just as they’ve discovered this unfortunate truth, police helicopters and a SWAT team show up.
Which brings us back to the beginning of the episode, which is really also the end:
Lots of other things happened this week too, like in the police station, but none of those things involved lesbians so technically I’m not under obligation to tell you about them. Instead I’ll just share some images with you and you can kind of figure out what happened on your own.
Oh yeah at the end, The Guy just lays his giant shovel on the table and is like “what’s up bitches, this is the murder weapon” and they all stare at it but don’t say anything.
The end! We’ll reconvene our meetings circa two weeks before Halloween for an episode I am personally super-excited about!