Elsewhere EzrA swings by Hanna’s house. Obviously he’s looking for the journal. Ashley lets him in and he goes off on some excuse about how Hanna might fail his class if Hanna doesn’t turn in few assignments. Ashley doesn’t think this house call is weird despite the fact that this is the sort of meeting that generally takes place at school. Or like on the phone.
Just then Ashley’s work cell rings and she steps out of the room. EzrA takes this opportunity to head directly upstairs. The weird thing about all this is that it’s a lot less stealthy than A normally is. Wouldn’t A usually just come in in the middle of the night through a window?
EzrA aggressively picks through Hanna’s things and eventually hops on her computer while Ashley fields seemingly endless complaints from a tenant. Hm. Maybe EzrA is being stealthier than we thought.
Of course, by the time she’s off the phone EzrA is sitting right where she left him, reading a book as usual.
Back in the car Spencer finally does get carsick and passes the journal to Aria. She does some reading of her own and, while quickly deduces that Spencer is “Human Cheat Sheet” and, with a bit of nudging, that she’s “Suzy Clueless.”
Aria notices a story called Cradle Robber about someone sleeping with a younger man and Hanna gets fucking weird about it. There’s even a page of the story torn out.
Then, in classic Pretty Little Liars style Emily’s car suddenly stops working in the middle of nowhere and not one of these girls has AAA! C’mon guys, after all this time you haven’t figured out that if you try to go on a road trip together A is going to cause your car to break down?
Hanna texts Buzzcut to come get them but he says it’ll be two hours. It’s about to start raining, but peeing in the woods and waiting the in car is apparently off the table and so, by some crazy stroke of genius/perfectly laid A plan Aria offers to take the girls to EzrA’s cabin. Ahem, I mean “her uncle’s” cabin.
The girls trek forward in the almost rain and, yet again in classic Pretty Little Liars style, everyone loses cell service. Spencer confronts Hanna about the missing pages and Hanna says she didn’t take them. More than that she says that the journal isn’t going to help them, it’s just going to tell them who did what behind each other’s back.
Elsewhere EzrA drives in the rain wearing a wait for it [dramatic pause] BLACK TURTLENECK. He’s up to no good.
The Liars arrive at EzrA’s cabin and Aria lets them all in. Hanna runs to use the bathroom (because having to pee in the car is, like, the worst ever) and the girls bicker over whether they’re keeping things from each other.
After peeing (finally thank god) Hanna walks in and admits to the girls that The Cradle Robber is about her.And Aria’s brother Mike.
Cue the pastel flashback.
There Hanna is fake chubby and Ali is all up in her face having just busted her and Mike making out.
I guess it is a little weird since Mike is two years younger than the Liars making him like 13 when Hanna was 15, but certainly no weirder than other things that have happened on this show. Ali tells Hanna that Mike only wanted to hook up with her to cop a feel and she better not tell Aria because Aria will never forgive her.
Flash forward and Aria is slightly weirded out but definitely not mad. Seeing how sad Hanna is, the girls ask her what’s really going on. She tells them that Caleb met someone else and left her and, though we know that’s not exactly what went down she’s still really upset.
Hanna runs out of the house and Emily follows her while Aria and Spencer stay behind. Aria and Spencer go into the back to dig up some linens and because this is the Pretty Little Liars cliché episode to end all cliché episodes A locks them in. I’m gonna say at this point that one’s on them. They should have known better.
Spencer and Aria scream for help out the window, which causes Emily and Hanna to finally come running back. Unfortunately, by the time Spencer and Aria get out and Emily and Hanna come back A is already gone. Is there a chance in hell that Ali’s journal is still there? Nope, nada zip. And in its place is Emily’s bracelet.
Just then there’s a knock at the door and a man approaches. The Liars suddenly realize they’re about to come face to face with A. They grab the nearest make-shift weapons and open the door prepared to come face to face with the one and only A.
Lolololololololol. Obviously there’s no way that happens! It’s Buzzcut.
Later that night, at the Marin household, Buzzcut asks Hanna what the fuck everyone’s problem was. She lies and says that they saw a raccoon because you can’t even be honest with people in Rosewood without them ending up dead. Or worse: ending up your boyfriend.
Hanna tries to pay Buzzcut for the tow but he reminds her that the only payment needed is the friendship of her heart and (with consent) panties.
Men being nice is Hanna’s number one crying trigger and so she immediately loses it sobbing over Caleb. I mean when he left he took everything—both cats and the Kitchen Aid stand mixer. How is she supposed to live like this.
Spencer gets home and overhears Papa Hastings on the phone with Mama Hastings. Because the Hastings folks can’t ever be home at the same time, he’s telling her all about his day of mediation meetings and other such lies.
Spencer’s unimpressed and tries the push the issues, but Papa Hastings tells her as long as she’s under his roof she will stay away from Jessica DiLaurentis.
Of course, the predictable response to this is that Spencer promptly tries to move in with Toby.
Aria gives Ezra a call and the two pretend they were doing something entirely different than they actually were. It’s sort of weird because Ezra knows exactly what went on and Aria has no idea. Then Ezra says “I love you” and Aria awkwardly says “I love you too” even though she maybe isn’t sure if she means it. It’s what we here in the lesbian community call A First Date.
Aria walks into the next room and Emily is sitting there. She asks if it was Jake on the phone and when Aria lies and says, “Yes” Emily responds “It’s no fun lying to them is it?” I put that here only because I have no idea who the “them” is in that statement. I just really need one of you guys to explain it to me.
Aria comes to sit with Emily and Emily shows her the now potentially faux note from Ali. Aria is pretty confused/disappointed but, you know, who could possibly be expected to not lie to their friends for an entire afternoon. Besides, maybe Ali theoretically wanted to meet up for totally not-crazy benign reasons!
Of course, just as their conversation is getting serious, the Liars all get a text from A. He sends them a picture outside the Busy Bee Inn, thanking them for the “tip.” In other words, the Liars decoded the whole journal and passed it right along to A who was, obviously, most curious about Hanna’s affair with Aria’s brother anyways.
In the final A scene we discover that A knows how to use a computer to shut something else down remotely. Shocker.
Tune in next week when Pretty Little Liars reveals that A also knows how to forge letters and shop for black hoodies.
