Orphan Black Episode 302 Recap: Mangoes Are Not the Only Fruit

In the ‘burbs, Donnie and Alison meet up with Ramon in the soccer shed where Sarah first made Ali’s acquaintance, and they offer to buy his drug business for practically a million dollars. Well, Alison does. Donnie’s not sure where they’re going to find a million dollars when they barely have the money to pay next month’s mortgage. Alison is like, “We’re getting it out of the retirement fund, duh, and it’s not just a lucrative deal in terms of pills, Donnie; it’s also the key to my election to the school board.” He kisses her face and twirls her around because Alison’s Machiavellian sociopathy turns him on more than a whole stockpile of Big Boob Blowies. Ramon tries to drive up the price of his business, but Alison’s ample stones allow her to stand strong on her original offer. Ramon finally relents.

Finger me!

I’m going to buy you some sex slang flash cards.

Seth and Rudy are waiting around to get extracted back to Mother, but Seth starts glitching over the phone, so Rudy decides to abort his mission and find a way to help his brother. Obviously he goes straight for Felix’s forever unlocked apartment. Cosima! You are too smart to leave the key to the mystery sitting on a shelf in that place! If Ms. S wants to play in traffic, that’s her business, but you gotta use that noggin, girl!

Castor HQ. One of the military guys is trying to give Helena the brain teaser test like the one Paul grumbled at Seth and Rudy, but she doesn’t have time for his shit because Pupok is super worked up about getting his hands on some mangoes. The military guy is like, “All mangoes are fruit. Some fruits are mangoes. All fruits are mangoes. True or false.” And the whole time, Pupok is crawling around on the floor singing, “This is the mango, the yellow yellow mango! King of the Fruits, it’s very very sweet! Eat it as a salad or drink it as a milkshake, eat it as an ice cream or have it as a cake!” Helena asks the military guy where she can get some of these sweet mangoes, and he’s about to lose it on her when Mother comes in to take Helena away and feed her a salad.

If you keep this up, I will not ask my sestra to make you a top hat!

Helena: These Castor assholes, they’re all your sons?
Mother: Weird, right? I never wanted kids. I didn’t think I’d be a good mom.
Helena: You weren’t wrong.
Mother: So your family, they’re the ones who sold you out.
Helena: Nope. Neither my sestras nor my sestra-brother would do that, and you can waterboard me until I drown, but I still won’t believe it.
Mother: Getting to know you is going to be a good time.
Helena: Until my sestra arrives and kills you to death.

After exactly no help at all from Ms. S w/r/t tracking down Paul, Sarah returns to Felix’s apartment with the only science more magical than Duncan’s book. (Kira, is who I am talking about.) Sarah tells Kira to hang out by herself while she runs a bath, but hey, guess what? Rudy is still in there, eyes made up like one of Felix’s paintings, and he scoops Kira right up and threatens to start sawing her up into tiny unicorn pieces if Sarah doesn’t hand over Duncan’s research/the original genome. Sarah cries. Kira cries. But I’m just remembering I forgot to tell you what Scott’s face looked like when he came face-to-face with Felix for the first time when he was here earlier.

Are you gay?

I am now!

Do you think Felix is to men what Emily Fields is to women, in terms of making them gay? Probably, right?

While the showdown is going on at Felix’s, Paul breaks into Cal’s apartment and tells him to make Sarah leave town before she either gets murdered or finds out Cal used to be a guy who built WMDs. Cal decides Paul is right and it’s time to get going with that Winnebago life again, so he bebops on over to Felix’s to talk to Sarah, but finds his path blocked by Seth. They do a zig-zag karate dance around each other, and then Seth’s brain starts malfunctioning, so he ends up falling to the floor and writhing around and hollering and clutching his head.

We’re going to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.

Noooo, that’s worse than The Squeakquel!

Upstairs, Rudy hears Seth flipping out, and since Sarah isn’t coming up with any actual science to help him help Seth, he lets Kira go and rushes downstairs to help his brother — by shooting him in the face. Well. Okay, then. Rudy tells Seth to rest and shuts his eyes and when Seth dies, and rushes out the door leaving Cal stunned to be alive.

Sarah decides the best thing to do is to send Kira away with Cal so they can stay safe together. It’s sad. Everyone’s sad. Sarah cries, Kira cries, Felix cries, Ms. S cries. This is a smart move for the show, though. There’s not much else to do with Kira right now, besides letting her get kidnapped and run over all the time, and even Pretty Little Liars got tired of those to plot lines after three seasons, and Cal is pretty and everything but he’s no Felix. Let ’em dawdle off screen together for a while so we can have more Leda clone dance parties.

Sarah, the greatest mother in the world, asked me to bring Kira here to keep her safe.

I am the mother of literal dragons, bitch.

In a Motel 6 somewhere in probably Kansas, Gracie the Prolethean wakes up calling for her new husband Mark, but he tells her to go back to bed, because he’s in the bathroom burning the Castor tattoo off his arm WITH A BLOWTORCH.

Next week: Rudy spends four hours answering logic questions from Paul, but then realizes he’s just been talking to a wall. Pupok tells Helena to tell Mother to buy a cotton candy machine for Castor HQ’s mess hall. Alison fills a Moleskine with business plan notes while watching a marathon of Weeds. Sarah follows the trail one step closer to Helena. And Cosima feels conflicted about liking Delphine’s “Became HBIC of Dyad” Life Event on Facebook.