Orange is The New Black Episode 310 Recap: There Is A Monster At The End Of This Book

In the Mel-Caf, Black Cindy is searching for Jews and Taystee wants to talk to Poussey about Judy King but Poussey’s hanging out with the Silent Faith-Healer Normamites.

Dude, did you see that “Megaladon The Monster Shark Lives” documentary last night? That shit was crazy!

That shit was made up. It wasn’t a real documentary.

CO Ford’s pissed that they’re not in a union anymore, but CO Luscheck doesn’t give a fuck ‘cause he’s a drug dealer now and he doesn’t have kids who need to get vaccinated… just like, I imagine, all the underqualified brand new part-time hires.

Somebody has that screwdriver and I’m gonna find out who it is if it’s the last thing I do

Black Cindy has located a Jew! The bad news it that it’s not me. The good news is that it’s a Jew.

Ginsberg: My last name is Ginsberg, for fuck’s sake.
Black Cindy: And?
Ginsberg: My Hebrew name is Shayna Malka.
Black Cindy: Huh?
Taystee: Shayna Mala?

Wait, I thought Hannukah was the most important Jewish holiday of the year? The one with the presents?

This whole exchange is pure gold. Or PURE GELT, if you will.

Ginsberg: I was Bat Mitzvah’ed at Temple Beth Israel, and at the party, I played “Wind Beneath my Wings,” backed up by a full orchestra. I killed it, by the way.
Black Cindy: But hold up now shawty, you got blonde hair and blue eyes, you know what I’m saying? That combo don’t show up much with y’all from what I hear.
Ginsberg: So clearly you’re already an expert! Okay, I’m gonna go sit at another table—
Black Cindy: No sit sit sit sit sit. Now I’m just assessing over here. I’m offering hella commissary for some Jew 411. So I’m gonna need to know if I’m getting my candy’s worth okay? Now calm the fuck down. Next question: what you in here for?
Ginsberg: Money laundering.
Black Cindy: Okay, now we talkin’.

As a Jew who feels pretty confident that she’s convinced her Christian fiancé to convert eventually and who has a newly-converted friend (HI ELIZABETH!), this storyline makes my heart sing Oseh Shalom with the ghost of Debbie Friedman. Once again, I am challenged to recap a Black Cindy scene because she is already funnier than anything I could ever write about her.

We then travel to a high-security prison where Pornstache’s being held to save us from having to look at his face too frequently. Mama’s come to visit! She listens to him whine about how Daya ignores all his love letters about how they’re star-crossed lovers like Romeo and Juliet and Shane and Cherie Jaffee.

Oh honey, you look awful! Who gave you that haircut?

I GAVE IT TO MYSELF.

Unfortunately, when Mama breaks the news about his alleged offspring’s parentage, he will not take “you are NOT the father” for an answer. See, as Pornstache sees it, that woman and her baby, like so many women and their babies, are not in fact actual humans with their own needs, wants, desires and dreams, but rather they are vessels created to cure the rotten souls of men like this man right here. Surprise!

Suzanne and Morello share a touching sweeping moment together in which they sweep and Suzanne discloses that she’s a virgin, and she’s so tender and embarrassed about it and Morello is so tender and sweet in return. All that sex stuff she writes is just made-up, like that time I managed to get a lesbian erotica story published despite never having had lesbian sex before. Don’t worry, I had LOTS of lesbian sex shortly thereafter and you can trust me now.  Anyhow!

Now you’re gonna wanna start gentle, maybe just one little finger —

But I masturbate with my whole hand…?

Morello says Suzzane’s first time is gonna be messy and weird and bumbling ‘cause everybody’s is, like her first time in joey Italiano’s basement when she was 14.

Suzanne: What do I do with my hands?
Morello: Put ‘em inside her.

Just two little misfits, hanging out in the hallway, talking about putting hands inside girls.

Tiffany and Coates go for a drive, shooting each other sly smiles while Tiffany angles for some ice cream by flirting. He makes her pull over and tells her what she needs to hear:

Coates: You don’t have to do anything. We’re friends now, I like you. If you want ice cream, you just ask, okay?
Tiffany: Okay.

Wait did that ad say ladies got in free BEFORE midnight, or AFTER midnight?

She loves double fudge chocolate and he loves rainbow sprinkles, so they’re both pretty gay.

FLASHBACK! Nathan and Tiffany are chillin’ out maxin’ watching some porn, porn that shocks her ‘cause it involves a woman smiling and getting eaten out and seemingly experiencing something unlike the malice of a frightening insect. So this is where we learn that she’s never had an orgasm or masturbated or learned, in any capacity, that sex is supposed to be fun for women, too. I’m so glad she found a lesbian boyfriend.

Tell me again why I can’t call your penis “Mr.Piddles”

He undresses her and tells her she’s beautiful, brings her closer, kisses her, puts his hand down her underpants and she’s not sure if she likes it until she realizes that she likes it. “You ain’t gotta smile,” he says. “just trust me.”

“Is this what they write songs about?” She asks. She says he’s magical. She feels amazing, this is not like the sex she learned about back then. This is not a bee sting. This is honey.

It’s okay, everybody queefs!

In the luxurious yet low-key ambiance of the Litchfield Correctional Facility Ultra Lounge, Morello’s found a nice young Italian man who thinks she’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen!

I think my Diva cup just flipped over

Have you ever heard of tampons?

“There’s something about a man in a gold chain that makes me feel protected,” she gushes. Lennie says he’ll protect her from whatever, from anything at all, and she pounces: There is this one guy who’s just been so awful to her…