Suzanne is doing a little Q&A with her fans over lunch. Wait, no. First, Black Cindy tells her she doesn’t have to eat the crap from the food sacks because they’re the chosen ones now and they can have kosher meals. And then Taystee tells her not to buy into the propaganda that makes people think yogurt tastes like key lime pie or chocolate cake, because at the end of the spoon, it’s just “gnarly curds” like always. And then Red comes up and goes, “I want you to know I had nothing to do with what you’re eating! It came from a bag, and is in no way a reflection of what I do!” (“Okay.” “Okay.”)
And now it is time for Suzanne’s Q&A with her fans. They’ve got dessert for her, to stimulate her creativity. They’ve got lots of questions about her process (“I think of shit and I write it down.”) and who she bases her characters on and technical questions about the logistics of having two penises with shockers on them. Maureen wants Suzanne to add in a chapter for the lesbians and this just sends Taystee over the edge; she goes, “She has done enough for the lesbians! What has she done for the Not Lesbians?” She wants Black Cindy to agree with her, but Black Cindy is invested now that she heard about the double shocker penises.
Alex invites Lolly to join her for lunch, hoping to crack the code on her creepin’, but she is unsuccessful. Lolly is even more sinister when she says words instead of just peeping around corners like Inspector Gadget. Red interrupts Alex’s interrogation to reiterate that she did not make this food, and then Alex starts grilling Lolly about what she’s in for, where she’s from, how much time she has, what’s her favorite color — but Lolly mostly just grunts and shrugs and then leaves in a huff to “go take a quiz” when she’s had enough questions. Morello is glad she’s a sane, normal person; Lolly freaks her out.
Alex: Whatever, tell Piper I tried.
Piper: Tried what?
Alex: To have a scene with someone who isn’t you for once, but hello.
Piper: Cal’s coming tomorrow to tell us how Piper’s Panties is doing.
Alex: Cool.
Piper: Are you looking at someone who isn’t me?
Alex: No.
Piper: Are you thinking about someone who isn’t me?
Alex: No.
Piper: Are you seriously worried about literally just staying alive right now and not about whatever thing is the most important to me? For example, Panties?
Alex: No.
Piper: Yes you are and now I am going to cheat on you but remember this moment because you deserve it.
The time has come for the inmates to be tested on their commitment to Judaism. It’s my favorite montage the show has ever done. Taystee and Black Cindy are best because duh. Taystee says what she hates is “shrimps, damn dirty shrimps.” She hates them so much she doesn’t even want to talk about it. Black Cindy basically just lifts her life story from Annie Hall and Yentl. Actually, Angie is hilarious too: “There was a big book where I wrote down all the people I wish was dead, who, um, you know, God comes and kills them and not my peopl—me?”
Gloria’s in the kitchen worrying about Bennie when Aleida comes in dropping trans slurs all over the place and talking general shit about Sophia and her inability to parent properly, which: is rich coming from the woman who literally just tried to sell her daughter’s unborn baby for commissary money. Gloria brushes off the slurs and says she should probably apologize to Sophia, for Bennie’s sake, but Aleida tells her you should never put the needs of your child over your own personal need to fuel the fire of your Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Gloria listens to her for some reason.
