New CO training continues to remind us why private corporations taking over prisons is a terrible no good very bad idea. Caputo insists they need 40 hours of training, Danny insists they should just read the manual and maybe watch some late-night MSNBC specials about prison and then they’ll be 100% ready to supervise a motley crew of attractive young women with low-level criminal histories.
In the kitchen, Gina and The Not-Weeping Weeping Woman creep in to beg Norma to start a spiritual healing group with them now that their witching club has fallen into disarray. Red thinks it’s nonsense but Norma glows radiantly when they talk about her magical healing powers.
Red railroads ’em as Norma stands there shrugging, half-smiling, doing the non-verbal equivalent of attempting to get a word in edgewise but ultimately, of course, submitting to Red. Red is bossy and thinks she knows what’s best and Norma is a person who is drawn to people who can tell her what’s best. But now she has a chance to be the person who knows best and she’s going for it.
Norma’s an interesting character because she’s relatively free of malice and ill-intent. There’s no dark, deviant side to her, nothing ugly and misanthropic that emerges when shit gets tough or crime shows up like it does for pretty much every other character on this show. She’s just a follower who cracks maybe once or twice a lifetime.
FLASHBACK! Guru Mack and the cast of HAIR have gathered in a grassy field for Guru Mack to wed himself to all his flaxen-haired followers, therefore achieving the holy purpose of banging as many chicks as possible.
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Norma Moon is seemingly unprepared for the fact that her astral plane moon sun goddess love and light wedding to Guru Mack is to be followed by Guru Mack’s astral plane moon sun goddess love and light wedding to Kirsa Rain and then his astral plane moon sun goddess love and light wedding to Silver Tree and then his wedding to every other girl in the cult.
One of the guys says this is kinda weird and maybe he shouldn’t have given this dude his Volvo? Pro tip: never give “spiritual leaders” your Volvo, y’all.
Out in the yard, Donaldson delivers important info about how to be a guard to this guy who looks like a diaper.
Piper spies Lolly with her two eyes but Lolly doesn’t recognize her, which ignites Alex’s paranoia that Lolly’s been sent here to kill her. But no mind: there’s a Prison Panty Party Enterprise to plan! They’ll just need to gather some girls to wear the panties for 2-3 days (Piper has a “strong brew,” says Alex, so she’ll need less time). Alex will be the brains. Everybody else will be the genitalia.
Now they just need a panty mule.
Alex: Someone gullible, and insecure enough to be flattered that you picked them—
Piper: For the record, I was not gullible, I was trusting, and perhaps a little inhibited—
Alex: You had a flimsy sense of self. You dressed head-to-toe in Urban Outfitters.
Who should stroll on by, then, but the new recruit Alex pegs for his resemblance to a Gerber Baby, who promptly proceeds to pepper spray two girls fighting over a tight game of UNO, and then, ultimately, himself, and CO Donaldson.
Taystee declares Suzanne’s erotica worse than 50 Shades, which is actually impossible. The 25-book series I penned in first grade about a family of genderfluid dinner plates named “The Simpletons” is better than 50 Shades. Episode 608 of The L Word is better than 50 Shades, and that’s the worst hour of television I’ve ever had the displeasure of witnessing. The week-old grocery list in my back pocket is better than 50 Shades. I have no doubt that Suzanne’s erotica is better than 50 Shades.Â
Suzanne, unaware that Taystee’s not exactly salivating over the material, eagerly delivers her a second chapter. Luckily, there’s at least one inmate more than ready for a fictional journey straight out of this hellhole and queerly into a vaginal canal / Space-Time Vortex:
Caputo yells at Donaldson and Gerber Baby (alternate names suggested for Gerber Baby by Caputo: Fucking Baby Huey Over Here, a Trigger-Happy Knucklehead Who Just Got Out Of Diapers). This is what happens when you put untrained officers in Gen-Pop, says Donaldson. I know, says Caputo, fuming and powerless.
Back in the relaxing ambiance of the Yelp-approved Litchfield Visitors Area Lounge, Gloria struggles to connect with her son and convince him that fractions matter. Who needs fractions, though, when he can pal around with his new best friend Michael!
Michael’s swearing like a sailor after a few hours in the car with Benny and his Moms are NOT having it. They’re raising eyebrows at each other like Stef and Lena.
Before Gloria and Benny have time to recover from Benny being a condescending teenage twatwaffle, Gloria is yanked away from her family-family to care for a member of her chosen family: Martiza chopped her finger off!
Gloria: Sorry baby.
Benny: Whatever.
TEENAGERS ARE THE WORST.
Elsewhere in the Visitor’s Center, Piper’s brother is lamenting the new trend in labor relations wherein everybody he knows except him has a job, like even Larry has a job at Zagats and an office.
Thus, the final piece of the Prison Panty Power Project snaps into place: Cal, one of a few names on the list of Men I Don’t Hate, is suspiciously well-aware of the online demand for underroos and will be more than happy to assist his sister in the execution of this revolutionary work.
Everybody needs something to believe in, right? Sometimes it’s a misguided “spiritual leader” and sometimes it’s just capitalism.
