IT’S MOTHER’S DAY PARTY TIME! So far, it looks like the guards are enjoying working this shift about as much as I enjoyed working Mother’s Day at The Olive Garden. Especially Bennett, ’cause Aleida’s boyfriend is there with all her kids wanting to talk openly and loudly about Bennett’s upcoming fusion with their family.
The prison yard’s a-flutter with more color and happiness than we got in the past two seasons all tied up in a bow. Demented mini-golf! Adorable puppies! Outdoor games! YOUTH! Suzanne made a kite! But Healy won’t let her outside, she’s forbidden from interacting with children after some shit from last year. So she’s just gotta gaze out from the inside, which I imagine reminds her of, oh, I don’t know… her entire life?
Outside, the festivities are in full swing, with some things going well and others going not-so-well. Only one of Gloria’s sons made the trip after two years apart, and he says the other’s been cutting class. She’s mad but shoves it down, happy enough just to be with one of her kids on this day. Soso’s gotta run a piñata station without piñata-busting tools. Nobody appreciates the brilliance of Flaca’s face painting.
Yoga Jones tells the children to take a deep breath and follow their own path. Another inmate is keeping coke in her baby’s diaper and leaving her baby where-the-fuck-ever while she sneaks off to do it. Maritza’s adorable daughter shits on her shirt. Morello’s working the port-o-potties.
Everybody’s having mommy issues: Poussey’s depressed that Taystee and Black Cindy are being mean to the kids and dissing their own mothers ‘cause she liked her Mom and now her Mom is dead. We know this season is about “motherhood” and this episode kicks that off and then some — Taystee says she’s done with mamas, and mama stand-ins, too. Black Cindy says her Mom thinks she’s a shit.
Taystee: I am parent-free and proud.
Poussey: Yeah, well I liked mine.
Black Cindy: Maybe when mine dies, I’ll like her better.
Poussey, rolling through her deep blue sadness, tells Norma she wants in on the “voodoo magic” she’s heard Norma’s got some of ’cause she’s missing somebody real hard today.
But before I can really get into a good solid cry about dead parents and how much I want Poussey to be released tomorrow and dropped off at A-Camp, we must witness Bennett trying to unsuccessfully pal around with the Diazes.
Caputo gives Bennett a speech about how anybody could use prison as a pussy buffet, which’s as awful for everybody involved as you’d expect.
Caputo: When those feelings come over me, you know what I do?
Bennett: Please don’t tell me.
Caputo: I take care of my fucking self. (pause) Do you know what I’m saying?
Bennett: I’m pretty sure I do.
Caputo: I spank it out, Bennett.
Bennett: Uh, it’s…
Caputo: And for the love of Pete I suggest you do the same. Like decent men have been doing since time immemorial.
Bennett says it’s about “more than sex” but Caputo thinks he’s a fool. Who are we, who do we think we are, etc.
Then we’ve got Sophia and Michael: that old ache. Michael’s got his walls up and Sophia’s scampering to climb ’em diplomatically.
Michael: I mean, I just feel bad because it’s her day and she’s just sitting in the car while I’m here.
Sophia: I didn’t mean to steal your mom’s day.
Michael: Yeah well, I don’t need another mother.
Sophia says the pastor’s not teaching him the right way to shave and that his “wait for marriage” advice, re: girls, is no good. Also no good? The advice Sophia ends up giving, re: girls, which she says her Dad gave her: find an insecure girl and practice with her so when you find someone you really like, you know what you’re doing.
Michael:Â You really wanna be a lady in a world where men do that?
Sophia:Â God help me, I do.
???!!!
The piñata is empty. “Ugh, this is such a metaphor for their lives,” says Soso. The guards pass the buck on who was supposed to fill the thing with candy. Ugh, that’s such a metaphor for adulthood.
Aleida’s full of mothering advice for Daya but it’s mostly warnings of how bad shit’ll get, like that she should prepare for her vagina to stretch out and never snap back.
Aleida: It’s not all bad, you end up with a baby. It just ruins your life, is all.
Daya: You’re saying I ruined your life?
Aleida: Of course. The day you were born was the end.
Flashback to Aleida in the hospital bed with her new baby, declaring her perfect, saying nothing could be bad if they made something like that. That man with her is gonna leave her in two years, though, and maybe that’s when Aleida stopped believing that miracles are really miracles.
Then we flash back to the lawn where Aleida’s lost track of Lucy and wants the fam to go hunt her down while she does special stretches on the lawn.
Back in the visitor’s room, Red’s got the whole big family there: three large sons, one silly husband, all of them disturbed at her plan to disband the contraband operation. ‘Cause Red is the all-knowing all-seeing Janeway, she sees right through ’em when they claim everything is going well at the market.
Pennsatucky has made little popsicle stick graves for her six unborn babies and wants Jesus to bless them and let them into heaven.
Big Boo’s being a scary butch lesbian clown, aka my type. Just kidding. Pennsatucky feels sad about aborting all her babies, but Big Boo’s read Freakonomics and knows about that “Roe v. Wade leading to a crime dip in the ’90s” theory and tells Pennsatucky to slow her sad roll:
Big Boo: My point is that you were a meth-head white trash piece of shit, and your children, had they been born, would’ve been meth head white trash pieces of shit, so by terminating those pregnancies, you spared society the scourge of your offspring. If you think about it, it’s a blessing.
Pennsatucky: Never thought about it that way.
Big Boo: Maybe you should. Stop punishing yourself. What does a good mother do? A good mother does what’s best for her children. And what did you do? Wiped them out before they had to live fucking miserable lives.
Thus, Big Boo feels like she’s done her clown duty and is ready to retire.
Daya makes the mistake of telling her dumb boyfriend that Lucy’s missing, ’cause now he’ll have to call it in and everybody’ll have to get down and freak out the children. They’ve got 20 minutes to find her OR ELSE. Aleida heads inside to hunt her down…  and, you know, while she’s there, to slip a letter from Connecticut into her underpants. At just that moment, the blaring begins, and Aleida hits the floor — and there’s Lucy!
“I want to stay with Daya,” Lucy says. Aw dang, kiddo. Dang dang dang. Meanwhile in the yard, the children are radically confused about why their Moms are all lying belly-down in the grass — some cry, some let go of balloons, some join the face-plant in solidarity. Happy Mother’s Day!
Back at the gates, Maria hands her daughter back to Yadriel and says she’ll see them next week. He says no, not next week, ’cause now she’s old enough to know things and he doesn’t want her to think that her Mom being in prison is normal. Oof. Maria is, of course, devastated.
The balloons, advertising good wishes for every holiday besides this one, float up through the darkening sky. Inmates pick up flags, discarded toys, plates, cups, cardboard sticks covered in paint and promise. They jam the insufficient garbage cans with the remains of the mother’s day.
Poussey, heavy-limbed, sweeps up pieces of the empty piñata.
Then a piece catches her eye and she snatches that shit up. It’s the Calvin & Hobbes cartoon she read with her Mom in the flashback! Nice job, show.
The twee acoustics amp up, Poussey looks down, half-hopeful that this is a sign of more good things to come. MAYBE. HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!
And thus concludes the first recap of the third season of Orange is the New Black, A Place for Friends. Gabby will be recapping Episode Two and you can expect that to drop early next week! Heather, Gabby and I will be recapping this season for y’all. However, if you’re an undiscovered and hilarious teevee recapper looking for your big break recapping OITNB, hit us up! (We pay!) Heather’s got lots of shows on her plate already and I’ve got a crazy summer so I wouldn’t mind taking a few episodes off.
Also I love this season. It’s so good. I’m gonna finish it RIGHT NOW.
