Moretti, Ford and Rosa go on a drive, saying cute things in the breeze, loving life, living the dream. Moretti used to think there were itty-bitty people inside the radio and Rosa used to put scotch tape on her dolls so she’d know if they moved while she was sleeping. People are people!
Vee finds a mysterious card in her bunk! It’s a card, probably from Nicky, reading:
Vee enters a hot panic that her drugs have been stolen. She zooms downstairs to the warehouse and starts rifling through her shit like me trying to find a quote from my 7th grade diary that I think would be perfect for an Autostraddle personal essay I’ll never finish. Vee is LOSING HER SHIT, despite the fact that Black Cindy is already down there, saying perfect things and being amazing:
Black Cindy:Â Hey, you ever think about Jay-Z and Beyonce fucking? ‘Cause I do. Like, more than I do myself, even. You think that’s weird?
Vee’s got no time for this pressing question, she wants to know who the fuck has been in there and fucked with her shit, and Black Cindy obviously doesn’t know. Black Cindy’s like, “I know you’re not exactly a Mathlete, but I could demolish you with my great strength.” Then Vee slaps her in the face and holds a stick to her neck and shit just isn’t going well right now.
Outside at Occupy Litchfield With Nuns, O’Neill is singing songs for the nuns on his mini banjo. It’s charming as fuck.
Red has summoned Healey to the medical ward so she can sing like a canary about Vee being the culprit. But Healey says it’s a done deal, Suzanne’s taking the hit.
Red: “You’d let the crazy one take the hit for the real evil? Where’s your fight, Healy? You used to care.”
Meanwhile, the doctor tells Rosa that the chemo isn’t working, the cancer is aggressive, and that she’s got three to six weeks to live! AWESOME.
Daddy and the baby are so happy about Maria not getting transferred and suddenly her silent boyfriend has a lot to say!
This is like a key moment in the show because this is when you realize that you had so many preconceived stereotypes about this guy. That you assumed the worst about him — that he resented the child, resented Maria — because he’s a man with tattoos and jewelry who never said a word to the mother of his child even though she’s in jail and clearly yearning for a connection with him. But who made the baby look so cute every time? He did! He loves her with his whole heart. He’s just quiet, that’s all.
Elsewhere in this slick midtown cafe, Larry and Polly are telling Piper that they’ve been playing hide the salami… WITH HER HEART. Basically they’ve come to visit her in prison to let her know that they’re in love and want to be together! Neat-o.
Holly and Larry would like to keep Piper in their lives! Piper would like them to stop saying “we.” Piper’s like this is really fucked up and you guys are the worst, and Polly’s like “I know but “we didn’t decide to love each other.” This is true. If Polly is really happy being involved with a condiment and Larry is really happy being involved with Polly, then good for them! But Piper doesn’t have to be their friend anymore if she doesn’t want to be, either.
Elsewhere in these hallowed halls, Pennsatucky accosts Healey — she wants to chat about doing a make-up class for Safe Place, but Healey’s not having it. His pride has been wounded and he’s being a jerk again.
But Pennsatucky has some nice words for him just the same, about how she’s doing a lot better now and she thinks it’s because of him:
Pennsatucky:Â You’re the only person in my whole life who’s ever taken the time to talk to me. And it seems like you’re really good at what you do and you really care. And I will never finger [Big Boo], and I will never let her finger me.
Meanwhile the Ladies of The Kitchen are concocting a special sauce that will fuck Vee’s shit, I believe, because Gloria is the Bo$$.
Some time or a little bit of time later, Healey’s trying to get a statement from Suzanne, but she doesn’t remember a goshdarn thing, and you can tell his tiny little conscience is peeking its little head up into the surface of his brainspace. She says things and Healey’s like… yeah, nope.
Suzanne: I thought I was mopping in the warehouse, turns out I was clocking in the greenhouse.
HOW DID THIS SHOW NOT WIN AN EMMY.
Suzanne says she can’t really trust anybody or her own memory but Healey says she can, and she laughs:
Suzanne:Â No. No. I’m unreliable. Is Red gonna be okay? I always liked her. She’s… scary but her hair is like the Heat Miser in that Christmas special. Don’t you think? She’s uh… Mrs Green Christmas. She’s Mrs Sun.
This is so sad.
Cut to The Office. Caputo’s glad that Fig is cleaning up her shit to get out of this place but Fig’s way happier than she should be. See, Fig is a sociopath who has decided to dedicate herself to motherhood and politics full-time. She’ll be breaking free with good marks from the warden, who’s looking to eschew scandal in favor of doing something deeply immoral. THE PRISON INDUSTRIAL SYSTEM EVERYBODY!
Parting words:
Fig: Your band sucks.
Caputo: Your blow jobs suck.
BURN!
Poussey and Taystee are being Mackenzie and Amanda and then they’re discussing my favorite topic, time travel, so basically everything I love is happening at the same time.
Watson and Black Cindy have come in peace to acknowledge that Vee is an evil dragon and shit’s gone too far. Now that Vee’s had her shit stolen and Suzanne’s heading to Slammer: The Sequel, everything’s getting dark and it’s time for these women to band together against a common enemy: Vee.
Red says Sister Ingalls has to eat ’cause she tried to tell Healey the truth, even if he wouldn’t take it. Red hands her a muffin and Sister Ingalls basically has an orgasm in her mouth, it’s like a Starburst commercial.
Then Caputo shows up and Sister Ingalls quickly buries the muff, which’s like what you did when your mom caught you making out with your best friend during a “sleepover.” Caputo’s got a muffin of his own and begs her to eat it so that he can show he’s able to resolve conflict because he’s gotta shore up some special powers to keep this job. Also, he cancelled her transfer! But she didn’t know she was being transferred in the first place.
