Cut to the laundry room. Pennsatucky got an alternative lifestyle haircut and Soso thinks Leanne and Angie should stop bullying Pennsatucky and embrace the light.
Pennsatucky says she doesn’t need Soso’s defensive assistance:
Pennsatucky: You know, I can take care of myself, you Ching Chang China doll!
Leanne: She’s Japanese-Scottish, you ignorant dumbass.
Angie: Ignorant dumb-ass dyke.
Well that’s nice.
Leanne tells Pennsatucky that nobody showed up to Healy’s Safe Space Cadet Fantastic Feelings Show and also she stole all his Russian cookies. This clearly makes Pennsatucky feel sad because she’s not dead and only a dead person or Vee wouldn’t feel sad about that. Also Soso needs a friend:
Soso:Â Everyone in this place is sad and mad. I mean I get it. We’re in prison. It sucks. But we should be leaning on each other, finding support in our fellow criminals so we’re not isolated. I need a friend.
I have an idea for a new friend for Soso: 
I wonder what’s going down in the luxurious visitor’s lounge? Perhaps heaps of gleeful schoolchildren are singing selections from Into the Woods and snacking on peanuts and cracker jacks! Maybe a lion is singing a roary rendition of “Roar” while stealthy astronauts get their toenails painted! Maybe Alex Vause and Piper Chapman are enjoying a lovely afternoon date!
Alex has selected a soft grey sweater and a homespun nametag for this meet-up, whereas Piper’s gone with the traditional tan jumpsuit. Piper observes that Alex’s sweater is very soft. Then they yell at each other.
Alex: I thought you were gonna tell the truth!
Piper: And I thought you were gonna lie!
Alex: Jesus, we are like a fucking O. Henry story.
Then, silence — no. Then, laughter.
You know this part, right? I mean, we know this part. The turning point in a relationship with somebody where you’ve really just fucked it up beyond repair. Like there is no coming back from the things you’ve said to each other and the shit you did to each other and the extreme emotions you’ve made the other person feel. Like if you wanted to fix it, where would you even begin? And how do you build that trust back when it’s been shattered so many times that you’re embarrassed to even tell yourself that you’re giving “trusting her” another go? But you love each other. It’s ridiculous and demolished and now you’re two girls who survived a natural disaster together, full of rage and hopelessly still in love.
They dig in:
Alex: It’s good to see your face.
Piper: I don’t know what to say.
Alex: You have every right to be angry.
Piper: I don’t know if I’m angry. I’m confused… by you.
Alex: I’m confused by me, too. I’m pretty much the master of handling things completely wrong.
Alex is lonely which makes her seem a little vulnerable, almost, but this isn’t so new either, is it? “I’ve dug myself into this hole, look at me down here in this hole, don’t you feel sad for me.”
Alex: I’m a fuck-up. And now I get to be a fuck-up in a shithole apartment in Queens, too afraid to even open my curtains. I’m really fucking lonely, Piper.
Alex’s scared to leave her crib ’cause of mild agoraphobia JUST KIDDING I WAS TALKING ABOUT MYSELF IN 2007 she’s scared to leave her crib ’cause she testified against a drug lord and now she doesn’t wanna get murdered and thrown into a ditch or whatever. Also, her probation officer is named Davy Crockett.
Alex admits she needed to see Piper today ’cause when she leaves this very room, she can’t ever come back for a visit. It’s like the Hotel California.
Piper: You can’t leave me.
Alex: Piper, I’m in danger.
Piper: But I don’t have anyone left.
Alex: I’m sorry, Piper. I’m sorry for all of it. I know that my track record is shit but I really do love you.
Piper: Yeah, well, I hate you.
Alex: No, you don’t.
Piper: No. No, I don’t.
:-(
Back in the barracks, Big Boo is using candy wrappers to build a necklace that will give her special powers like the ability to see through walls and fly into outer space. Just kidding! She’s doing it ’cause she’s bored.
Nicky shows up to harass Big Boo about snitching on Red, thus causing Red to get her face bashed in, and suggests Big Boo makes it right by telling Nicky where Vee stashes all her toys for grrls and bois.
Elsewhere, Suzanne’s losing it because Vee has destroyed her psychologically! It’s really hard to make jokes in this recap y’all because SHIT IS SO DARK. Taystee tries to talk Suzanne down, but Suzanne is just hooked on the idea that she attacked the Russian lady. She doesn’t remember it, but thinks maybe she just blocked it out because she does that sometimes, she blocks things out. But Vee is lying to you, Taystee tells her.
Suzanne: “She is a truth-teller, she told me that.”
Fucking hell.
Suzanne says Vee warned her about Taystee potentially approaching her to mar Vee’s pristine reputation because OF COURSE SHE DID.
Taystee: You poor crazy fool!
Suzanne: No. I am not crazy. I am unique.
Out in the wild fields of Litchfield, Daya’s chatting with her boyfriend the tool. Specifically, she seems to be confessing that she’s the only person in the history of the universe to think “yeah, I can see that happening” while watching I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. Because that’s her big plan — pretending that she didn’t know she was pregnant until it comes out. She wants Bennett to man up and turn himself in, but Bennett says he can’t turn himself in ’cause he needs a raise/promotion.
Daya: “I love you, Jon, but you’re a pussy.”
In the kitchen everybody’s talking shit about Fig and her nice shoes and also Maritza’s gonna get a diamond for her bellybutton.
Norma’s doing her best to make apple poison arsenic, but Gloria knows better — there are other ways than slaughtering an orchard in cold blood to kill an evil monster who’s gonna get Suzanne put away for life in a maximum security hell-hole.
Out at Occupy Litchfield With Nuns, O’Neil’s arguing that babies can’t be born with original sin ’cause of that time the leopard didn’t eat the baby baboon but instead sheltered it and protected it from hyenas.
Sister Ingalls is surprised the nun brigade rallied in her honor… but she’s craving biscuits. Also, she once masturbated to an erotic photo of Jesus.
Then Red delivers sage wisdom regarding dancing with the man-meat.
Red: But there’s a part of me, a part of every woman, I think, that doesn’t want nice. That’s the problem with married sex in general. No more fear.
Sister Ingalls: Fear is good?
Red: Fear is very good.
Obviously she is referring to the classic ’90s flick Fear, which I watched one million times in the ’90s.
Sister Ingalls denies the nurse’s meager offering of sandwich and other nutritious goods ’cause she can’t stuff her muff with 100 nuns outside starving to death in her honor! Red’s shocked Sister Ingalls still cares what her friends think — and, well, Sister Ingalls is shocked that Red’s plotting revenge “like a gangbanger” and actively refusing to turn Vee in. So Sister Ingalls says she’ll eat a muffin if Red admits to the authorities that Vee socked her with a tick-tock clock.
Meanwhile, Uzo Aduba is winning an Emmy in the interrogation room!
Suzanne’s fraying in all directions — those grounding techniques she learned in therapy, the literature that falls out of her mouth, that clear certain way of talking she’s developed in a world where nobody listens to her quite hard enough. Was she there? Did she do it? What is anything? Who are we? Why are we here?
A white man in a suit re-reads Suzanne’s record, which’s full of assaults and “incidents.” It sets her off in a cacophony of yesses and nos. She chants and confuses as the man scratches “Suzanne Warren: Primary Suspect” on his notepad.
