Hello and welcome to the recap of the tenth episode of season two of Orange is the New Black, the show that lights a bag of Larry on fire and places it on the doorstep of your heart. I’m your special guest recapper this week, and I will try my best to be a great guest star (like Gloria Steinem on The L Word) and not a waste of screentime (like that chick with the blonde dreadlocks from Betty that got fucked in the cruise ship hot tub on The L Word). #NEVERFORGET.

OMG I LOVE CELLO SOLOS SO MUCH!!!

We open in Flashbackland, with a topless Piper getting the best oral sex/possibly her first orgasm from Alex. Three cheers for female orgasms on television! Alex comes up from the covers, rocking the kind of smirk that accompanies making a hot girl come like a Yosemite geyser. Piper wants to return the favor, but she’s never gone down on a girl before. Relax girl: It’s just like riding a bike, except all over your face.

Orgasm Achievement Unlocked! +1 for sexterity!

The phone rings, and Alex has to go deal some drugs. Before Piper can warm up her jaw muscles, she sees a hooded woman at the foot of her bed. The woman attacks her and punches her in the face.

IS THAT A?!

Yeah, I got a secret and I didn’t keep it, why do you ask?

Turns out it isn’t A, it’s Sylvie, Alex’s girlfriend. Who lives with her. #Shady. Alex says their relationship (like our collective relationship with Taylor Swift) is complicated. Alex pulls Sylvie off Piper, and tries to make excuses for her cheating ways. This is why you never use your home as your jump-off point, ladies! I feel like Alex should really know better. What is this, amateur hour? Piper is like, “I’m fucking out of here,” going so far as to leave sans her Marshalls shoes. Girl, leave no wedge behind!

Look, I don’t know if this is your bra or not…we have more ceiling bras here than Coyote Ugly.

At Litchfield, Piper is back from furlough and going through the squat and cough with Wanda. She reunites with Red and decides to lie about the state of her restaurant, so Red can keep dreaming the dream. She also tells Red that it is officially over with Larry because he fucked someone else. Piper claims to have no interest in the identity of Larry’s fling, but let’s see how long that lasts. Speaking of shady behavior, Piper receives a letter from Alex in the snail mail. God I hope it’s retro pin-up photos.

Uggg… so he calls me up and he’s like, “I still love you,” and I’m like… “I just… I mean this is exhausting, you know, like, we are never getting back together. Like, ever”.

In the cafetorium, everyone is making way for Vee and her crew. The ciggie-smuggling business has made them all ballers, and they are reveling/being rude to everyone else. They even make Miss Rosa leave her table, and that woman has cancer! Who bullies a cancer patient? These dicks, apparently. I expected more from you, Black Cindy!

This scene is is what we in “the biz” call foreshadowing.

Back in the chow line, Sophia tells Red that her son is finally coming to visit. We also learn that said son ratted out Sophia and got her arrested. Sophia has forgiven him because she is basically an angel, but Red is ready to slap him with the ring hand aka Russian parenting 101.

I mean, slap him with an open fist. I’m not a monster.

Soso is still trying to get people to join her hunger strike, but no one is interested because breakfast food is greatest thing to ever happen. Nicky and Lorna try to force feed her sausage, and even Sister Ingalls is all, “bitch, have you ever even seen French toast?”

I’ll leggo my eggo when you pry it from my cold dead hands!

Piper shows Nicky her letter from Alex, and we are treated to Nicky’s killer Vause impression. Never change, Nicky. Piper doesn’t want to read the letter and she hates the hold that Alex still has on her heart. Shady girls, they’ll fuck you up every time.

See, what I do is, I take all my fucks and just toss them over my shoulder!

Flashbackland! Piper is at The Planet watching Alex and Sylvie playing quarters like a total stalker. She follows Alex to the bathroom line where she proceeds to hit on her like a total fucking Marina. She also claims that she’s at the bar to see a burlesque show, which is the most lesbian excuse that ever lesbianed. Seriously, was the poetry slam all sold out?

Hey girl, you waiting to take a wicked dump too?

Alex once again claims things are complicated and pretends not to understand the concept of a closed relationship. She apologizes to Piper and claims not to be a shady person (YUP). Me thinks the lady doth protest being shady as all fuck. Piper, like most women in their early 20’s, is crazy into drama and bad decisions, so she pushes Alex inside. She wants to finish what they started, and then she says the line that baby dykes will be dropping for years to come:

Piper: I want to taste what you taste like.

Damn Gina. They start making out in the stall and the entire joint catches on fire because their chemistry is so bonkers hot.

Meanwhile, 20 annoyed lesbians are still waiting to pee.

Back at Litchfield, we are treated to a Pornstache and Red reunion. Pornstache is still pleased as punch to be back terrorizing inmates, even going so far as to slap Red on the ass. OH NO HE DID NOT. Meanwhile, Fig has gotten the latest Litchfield newspaper and is furious that people are still wasting ink/not going digital in this day and age. Caputo walks in and tells her that Pornstache got Daya pregnant, so he’s got a one way ticket to Folsom. He agrees to keep it under wraps, so long as he can fire Pornstache himself.

Who the fuck finished my word jumble?

Guess what I want to see even less of? Healy’s therapy sessions! Healy continues to be a patronizing dick to his counselor, telling her what a great therapist he is. Looks like someone’s got a new pet project.

Back in C-block, Poussey confronts Taystee about dealing hard drugs with Vee. We also find out that Poussey sold weed, which makes me want to reach through my television screen and give her a high five. Poussey calls her a hood rat and Taystee responds by calling her a bougie bitch. Watching these two fight is more painful than watching my own parents fight. They are quickly interrupted by a surprise sweep… and not the good kind like the supermarket one. The COs find the cigarettes in Watson’s tampon box, and she’s carted off to SHU. Vee looks on without emotion because she basically a horcrux at this point.

It’s not my fault that I have a heavy flow and a wide set vagina!

Pornstache tries to reconnect with Daya, who is beyond grossed out. Later, when the COs are rifling through the contraband, they realize it all smells like ass. Wanda assumes it all coming in via ass-smuggling, which is insane because how can anyone possibly anally smuggle in a foot pumice stone and not whittle themselves into nothing from the inside out? I can say those kinds of things, because I’m a doctor. Wait, that’s not me, that’s Lizz.

The September issue of Vogue: the only magazine worth ass smuggling into prison.

Gina spies Nicky hiding heroin in her bra, and then proceeds to shadow her for the rest of the episode. Pennsatucky is having another session with Healy, where he throws around some psych 101 terms in an attempt to counsel her. He tells her that he’s going to start a support group for the women, and Pennsatucky wisely tells him that he’s gonna need to pony up some punch and pie if he wants anyone to show up. I agree with Pennsatucky; free food trumps all.

Point me in the direction of those Milano cookies!

The J-Vee squad rolls up on Poussey in the library and tries to recruit her for Watson’s spot. Vee tells her she has to join the team or quit the library job (aka best job ever), neither of which Poussey is willing to do.

Sad Poussey face just kills me.

Then there’s a fucked up uncomfortable scene between Fig and Daya, where Fig tries to get Daya to admit she wasn’t raped. What the actual fuck, Fig? Daya feels guilty about forcing Pornstache to take the fall, but she’s the only one since the rest of us want to see him fall down a well and die.

You can tell me, I’m not like a real warden, I’m a “cool” warden!

We then shuffle over to visiting hours, where Sophia is sitting with her wife and son, Michael. Sophia is desperate to communicate with her kid on any level, so her wife suggests breaking the ice with a board game. They start playing “Go Fish” and it’s ridiculously adorable.

Piper meets with Jimmy Olson, who wants to smuggle her an iPhone, but she is too smart for that shit. If she didn’t want to break the law for Alex Vause, there’s no way she’s doing it again for your sidekick candy ass. Fig runs into Jimmy on the way out and finds out that he’s been chatting with Chapman. Uh Oh.

Full face side-eye

Nicky and Morello watch TV, and Gina keeps peeping her from the outside. Gina tells Nicky to turn the drugs over to Red, and mentions Tricia, which might be the first mention of Tricia all season. Nicky assures her she’s not gonna throw away two years of sobriety, but realizes she’s walking around with a loaded gun.

I love Sober Companion Gina, you guys.

Morello has a visitor for the first time in forever. She brightens up when she sees it’s Christopher, but is immediately smashed back into reality by his cold response. He wants her to admit to the break-in, but she refuses. He screams at her and threatens to kill her if she comes near him again, but poor Morello looks less like a stalker and more like a little wounded bird.

Does he know where this finger has been?

SO MANY conflicted emotions during this scene. Nicky comforts a humiliated Morello, and assures her that everyone is crazy in their own way. It’s a sweet sentiment, but Nicky doesn’t know the full extent of her mental illness. She hugs Morello close and tells her that she loves her. And our hearts break into a million little pieces.

Right in the feels.

Piper calls Larry and tells him that she wants to know who he fucked. Before she can continue her message, Vee and Suzanne force her to hang up the phone because they are literally middle school bullies at this point.

Look, you keep calling me a “basic bitch” and I just want to know what that entails exactly.

FLASHBACK! Young Piper is telling Polly about the wonders of lesbian sex, and how Alex has dumped her girlfriend and they are most definitely gonna last forever and never get arrested or end up fucking in a prison church. Polly is dubious, and as if on cue, the doorbell rings. Piper opens the door and is immediately met with a flaming bag of dog poop, courtesy of Alex’s ex.

I didn’t realize Larry was in this episode ZING!

LOL poop Uggs

Meanwhile, Daya and Bennett argue over Pornstache’s fate and the future of their baby. Daya just wants some sort of control or agency, but she feels utterly helpless. She tells Bennett that she needs him to man up and take responsibility, whatever that entails.

Please tell me you smuggled more loofahs in your foot, my skin is so scaly.

Yoga Jones, heartbroken about Watson in SHU, joins Soso’s hunger strike. Sister Ingalls seems to be reconsidering her pro-breakfast stance. Healy hosts his first group therapy session, aka “Safe Place.” There are no snacks, which means no one shows up. Whomp whomp therapy fail.

Group therapy! Now with more ghosts!

Polly comes to visit Piper and apologizes for missing the funeral/furlough party. They talk about Larry, and the penny drops for Piper. Her best friend and her ex-fiance have been fucking. It’s bad enough to be betrayed by a lover, but being betrayed by your best friend is a very special piece of horrible. What’s worse is they both feel pretty terrible.

Mayo?! I don’t smell like mayo, I don’t know what you’re talking about I WASN’T FUCKING YOUR JAR OF MAYO!

FLASHBACK! Piper and Alex cuddle, and Alex assures her that Sylvie has worked out all her issues. She says that sometimes you have to rage before you can move on, which is actually kind of true. Alex tells Piper she loves her, and Piper responds in kind. And just like that, a (toxic) relationship is born.

Don’t worry kid, there’s no such thing as karma.

Well THAT’S a relief. So tell me more about dealing the drugs.

Back at Litchfield, a furious Piper punches the wall until her knuckles bleed. She spills the story to Red, who asks if she wants to talk about it. Man, these two have come a long way since that tampon McMuffin situation. Red tells her to stop hitting walls and start plotting her revenge, which is Russian Motherly Advice 101. Piper reads Alex’s letter.

It’s part two of my “Thirsty Bird” series.

Meanwhile, Poussey grabs her secret contraband hooch from the ceiling and starts drinking. She ends up puking in the bathroom and tries to attack Vee. Vee unleashes Suzanne, who beats the shit out of Poussey. I know other recappers have discussed this, but the way Vee has manipulated Suzanne into being her attack dog is just the fucking worst. Black Cindy watches the whole scene, upset.

Haters gonna hate… manipulative sociopaths.

Vee sneaks into Red’s shed and starts going through her plants. She finds contraband pantyhose in a bag of manure, which explains why everything smells like ass. Red finds her snooping and Vee tries to cut a deal for access to the tunnel. Red is too smart for Vee’s bullshit and refuses. Vee pretends to want to be her friend, but Red has been down this road before and seems to be the only person immune to her manipulations.

As you can tell by the industrial size bags of manure, I’m all full up on bullshit, kthnxbai

In other unsettling news, Nicky smells the drugs and realizes she’s vulnerable to her addiction. She hands over the heroin to Red, feeling like she let her down. Red assures her she did the right thing and hugs her.

But seriously, who farted in this shed?

Piper calls Neri, her new sister-in-law, and asks her for a favor. We immediately cut to a flaming bag of shit on Polly’s front porch. At least Polly acknowledges that does in fact deserve it for stealing her BFF’s condiment-based fiancee.

mayonnaise cannon to the rescue!

Back at Litchfield, Gina tells Nicky she’s proud of her for handing over the drugs to Red. Go Nicky! Elsewhere, Caputo is dropping the bomb on Pornstache: he’s fired and he’s under arrest for knocking up (not really) Daya. Pornstache is then hauled off in front of all the women he made miserable. Justice is (sort of not really) served.

Dirt Man Walking

While Fig makes a bullshit statement about her zero tolerance policy, Pornstache tries to kiss Daya. He shouts that he loves her and their unborn child. As shitty a person as he is, Pornstache does seem genuinely psyched to be a dad, which is more than I can say for Bennett.

Stan as a baby name?! Ugh, you can’t do anything right, Mendez!

Is this the end of Pornstache? SPOILER ALERT yes it is.

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