At rehearsals, Morello is not so subtly giving away Boo’s Christmas present. Boo thinks Nicky needs to start sleeping with Morello again as it would cure her being irritating. Nicky says she knows how to actually burn bridges, unlike Alex. Not returning to a bad relationship just for the sake of sex and human comforts? What a novel idea!
Larry and Alex finally meet. It’s… awkward. He goes into the conversation from the accusatory angle, acting like Alex is the one who’s been manipulating and using Piper. Alex says it’s not exactly a one way street. If anything, it’s a double-ended dildo. Also Piper’s all his now because the Alex train has left the station, and even though Piper’s attractive and sexable, Alex says that Larry is going to have his hands full with Piper’s bullshit. Yeeeeaaaaaaahhh, we knew that.
Doggett shows up in the showers with a razor and a posse. Just when you think shit is going to take a turn for the Hitchcock, she cuts her own hand and then rubs the blood on a showering Piper. I… what? Okay. That’s disturbing. Not where we thought that was going, but okay.
You know who else can’t sleep? Red can’t sleep. Red’s got to get her groove back. Her groove, it seems, is control. Red sabotages the kitchen on her own, because if there’s one thing she doesn’t like, it’s not having control. And if she can’t have it, no one can have it. These days, regaining control includes pouring grease into the ovens. This certainly won’t end badly for all parties involved!
So of course the next morning in the kitchens, shit hits the fan. Actually, flaming shit hits the flaming fan, because the breakfast menu today includes destructive grease fires. Murphy’s set on fire, and Daya is saved from not actual harm by Bennett. Way to go Bennett, saving Murphy! Just kidding, you did not. You went for the ol’ my own fetus save.
Piper’s trying to catch up on sleep. Boo gives her the screwdriver as her Secret Santa present. It has at least three uses that have been demonstrated on the show, Piper. Use it well. And clean it first. Boil it, maybe. Yeah, definitely boil it.
Red’s lost her support in Murphy and Norma, since they know she set the fire and it literally set Murphy on fire. Red’s a mess. I love you, Red, but you’re striking out here.
Nicky made a vision board for Morello for Secret Santa. This seems like a giant cop-out, but okay. Alex is making Nicky some really shitty earrings. Somehow this leads to sex.
Yes, you read that last sentence right. Alex and Nicky start having sex. Holy lesbian spit chain, Batman. They are having sex. I mean, okay. I get it. You probably get it, too. We’ve all been there, friends. We’ve all tangled up the spit chain because we’ve been bored, or sad, or horny, or we’re having trouble figuring out if we’re getting friend signals or sexy signals or admiration signals. Do you wanna do her or do you wanna be her or do you wanna just kind of mutually admire each other and only drunkenly make out? Sometimes you just want to disappear into someone else for a bit because everything else sucks. Sometimes you don’t know what you want with someone, but sex might help figure it out. Sometimes you’ve got to blur the lines.
Not that way, though. Please, lesbian Jesus, not that way.
Piper’s on the phone with Larry, and she tells him she finally got the marriage form approved. Also, she might be the victim of a murder in the future. Larry thinks this is Piper finding drama for the sake of drama, and that after his talk with Alex, he’s decided to let Piper go. What does Piper do?
Dagnabbit, she runs back to Alex. Please, I beg you. Just let me put away this fucking vuvuzela, Pipes. Stop with this nonsense. Alex has just finished the afternoon delight with Nicky, and for once, she has no time for Piper. She’s sticking firm to her promise that she is not going to be Piper’s escape route anymore.
What time is it? It’s time for the Christmas pageant. A lot of important plotlines need to be tied up or moved forward, and since this is the second to last scene of the show, dagnabbit we are doing it now.
- Caputo creeping on Fischer: TIED UP. Fischer has a hot boyfriend and Caputo can keep his dumb flowers.
- Healy being obsessed with evil lesbians: TIED UP. Assistant to the Warden calls him out on it and tells him he has to stop or she’ll can him. Maybe she’ll make him watch The L Word.
- Norma’s silence: TIED UP. When Sue can’t sing, Norma’s the one who takes over and damn, what?
- Piper and Doggett: MOVING FORWARD ON A ONE WAY TICKET TO HELL. Piper loses it. The screwdriver, I mean, and her screws. She cracks. She beats the everloving shit out of Doggett.
And that’s it, folks. The season ends on this moment, complete with Christmas music and, let me repeat, Piper beating the everloving shit out of Doggett.
