Alex is reading and being a sexy intelligent person in your kick-off gif. Again, you’re welcome.
It’s a beautiful day in mid-autumnal upstate New York, so obviously it’s 20 degrees below zero and all the guards are still in line for coffee at Stewart’s. Upstate New York kids who got that, holler at me.
Piper’s got her book and her ridiculously crumbly Nature Valley bar – seriously, have you tried to eat one of those? you need a fucking mixing bowl and a vacuum cleaner – and she’s ready to enjoy another lovely day in prison. She goes out to a tree, settles into the damp frost (I actually cringed at how unpleasantly cold and wet that must feel), and starts reading How To Use Prison As A Time To Unpack Your White Guilt Backpack (And Shed That Stubborn Belly Fat!). Lo and behold, she is not alone, for there is a chicken. Within prison fences. Just hanging. Probably because she can sense Piper’s homotendencies and knows that the lady’s either a vegan or has negative feelings towards Chick-Fil-A, so.
Nicky and Morello are reenacting my Catholic school years by doing the dirty in the chapel. Just kidding, if they were reenacting my Catholic school years they’d be wearing rainbow knee socks and reading The Return of the King on the toilet. Nicky wants to switch hands so she doesn’t get too much muscle on one side, which is a real issue I have given actual thought and consideration to before. Morello tells Nicky that they can’t have sex anymore because she needs to let her vagina re-tighten for the wedding night. Reminder: The wedding night with the dude. I…don’t think that’s how the whole vagina situation works, but okay. Before we can get into the biology of vagina tightness, some people bust into the chapel and the two hide under the alter.
Sister Laura Ingalls Wilder (I’m going to call her this now, so everyone accept that and move on) and the chaplain are arguing with Pennsatucky, who I will be calling Doggett from now on because I have one bajillion issues with her portrayal on this show, about putting up a giant homemade cross. This does not go over well, since this is a chapel for all faiths, and a giant homemade cross does not technically fit into all faiths. Doggett starts yelling about amendments and her rights to religion, and then carries the cross out of the chapel a la Jesus. We had a life-sized cross in the eighth grade that we were allowed to carry from religion class to other classes throughout the day as a way to teach us humility and to experience religious conviction. I was the only one who pointed out the insurance nightmare that was our building with four floors and no elevators and a life-size cross being carried around by 13 year old redneck kids, so basically I was laughing hysterically during this scene at all the memories it recalled.
Over at Ye Olde Prison Salon, Sophia is still not getting her proper hormone dosages and is not fucking happy about it. Boo, who is getting a haircut almost identical to mine, tells her that the nun, being holy menopausal and all, gets estrogen as part of her treatment, so maybe she should hit up the nun. Well, then.
Daya’s mom wants her to thread her eyebrows. Apparently her definition of motherhood is having your kids thread your eyebrows. I feel as if her kids will still somehow need less therapy than Angelica Porter-Kennard, maybe because they haven’t been kidnapped by fundamentals yet. Daya’s mom gives her sweet corn to trade for thread for ye olde threading, which gets Daya in trouble with Bennett. But wait, it’s not real trouble, it’s just secret sexy trouble, because while he’s weirdly berating her, he’s slipping a note into her pocket. Those kids.
Meanwhile in Ye Olde Recreational Room, Piper is just so damn excited about this beautiful day, and she saw a chicken, guys. Everyone freaks out a little at the mention of the chicken, and not in a “I’m so excited for you I can’t believe you slept with that super hot butch text me text me” freaking out way, but in a “What the fuck everything we know and understand is about to be upended by the fact of this creature’s existence” freaking out way. Morello says to tell Red A$AP.
Daya reads Bennett’s note, which is just telling her to meet up with him and he’s sorry he has to pretend to be an asshole, mushy gushy feelings. She flushes it down the toilet. Which means it’s time for FFFFLLLLAAASSSHHHBBAAACCKKKKSSSS.
Daya’s at home with her shit ton of brothers and sisters. Her sister has just flushed a Barbie doll down the toilet. The kids are in various stages of being neglected, but Daya’s mom is getting all dolled up to go out for the night. She has a scorpion tattoo that made my queer ass go “Oh, a Scorpio. That would explain her sexual intensity and her singular goal-driven attitude that blocks out all other needs.” and then I had to calm myself down and try to be a normal person. Daya’s mom is shitty to her kids, and then goes to make out with a dude outside for their date. Daya, who has obviously fallen into the mother role, is pissed, but accepts her responsibilities.
Back in the kitchen of the present, Red is pumped at the chicken sighting. Apparently the chicken escaped from being killed on a nearby farm and is considered to be a highly powerful beast. Red wants actual chicken that is not processed and frozen chicken to cook in her kitchen, so she’s going to give out Biore strips to the first person to catch it. Nothing like clean pores to motivate the capture and slaughter of a chicken.
Sophia is cozying on up to Sister Laura Ingalls Wilder for hormones, but pretending it is for her faith and stuff. They head into the chapel and walk in on Doggett and her crew attempting to hang the cross regardless of the rules. Sophia says that is not a weight-bearing pipe, which she would know since she was a firefighter and had to deal with this kind of dangerous bullshit all the time, but Doggett is not going to let anything stand in the way of her conviction. Of course the pipe breaks and the ceiling collapses and everything is a shit mess. Knock knock, it’s Jesus, that was a dipshit move.
Piper’s visit is not going terribly well. Polly is being shady about their business deal with Barney’s and being middle school bitchy to Piper about it. Larry doesn’t seem to give a shit about anything today. The Barney’s deal needs to not get fucked up because that would be all the money that Piper and Larry are relying on because, as you may or may not know, LARRY’S PARENTS PAY FOR HIS APARTMENT. Piper mentions that Alex is here, in the prison, with her, and Polly and Larry are like oh, wow, so that’s happening at some point. The audience is like IT DAMN WELL BETTER BE, JESUS. Jesus is like, man, I am attending to broken pipes today, let me fucking deal with one thing at a time.
Daya finds a stick of gum waiting for her at the guard station. Aw, the old stick of gum routine. Works like a charm on ladies everywhere.
Meanwhile at Ye Olde Chapel, it’s cleanup time. Pornstache the guard is in charge of this situation, along with the guy who runs the electrical shop. Apparently there is asbestos, which is fanfuckingtastic for all involved. Also Doggett has yet to be actually punished for this, but she claims Jesus Immunity. Doggett says that Sophia is the reason all this happened, and everyone stands up for Sophia, since Doggett is not exactly popular around here and being transphobic seems to be part of her package deal. Pornstache says this:
Piper tells Nicky about the chicken and Nicky, as usual, is not entirely sure there is a chicken. Nicky is a little bit preoccupied with the fact that Morello doesn’t want to sleep with her anymore, and whether or not she’d admit it, there’s a lot of sadness and loneliness there now. But Nicky thinks she’ll be back, so it doesn’t matter. You know what they say: You can’t marry away the gay either.
Daya is trying to scorekeep dominos for the Latin@ crowd, but she’s too busy making googly eyes at Bennett. Baby girl, curb it in, we could spot your crush from the space station. Piper and Morello are looking for the chicken, which has aroused suspicion. Apparently the chicken might have drugs in it, which could be worth something. Or it might have a ton of money in it, which is clearly worth something. Suddenly everyone and their mothers are looking for the chicken. Except for Daya and her mother, who are having a heart to heart about the Bennett situation. And by heart to heart, I mean Daya’s mother is telling her to sleep with an uglier guard who will bring her presents and money as opposed to Bennett’s cute ass.
FFFFLLLLAAASSSSHHHHBBBAAACCCCKKKK to Daya’s mom managing to get a guy to bring her presents and money… or start cooking drugs in her kitchen, either or. Daya says that the other kids are hungry, and Daya’s mom makes her man give Daya money for food. That’s one way to solve the problem, I guess.
Back in the present, it’s time for yoga. Oops, it’s also time for AA. Alex is checking out Piper, Nicky is checking out Morello, Sue is checking out everyone.
Sister Laura Ingalls Wilder and Sophia are talking about the body and changes and you get where this is going. So does Sister Laura Ingalls Wilder, though, since she tells Sophia she can’t have her estrogen. Sophia is pissed off, but Sister tells her that it’s not actually about her body, but about how she feels having to leave her son and wife alone while she’s in prison.
Yoga/AA scene progresses with this incredible line from Taystee:
Alex confesses that she started using heroin when Piper left, and that even that couldn’t fill the gap that was leftover from their breakup. Piper fumes about this confession and says that’s not even what happened, and then leaves in a huff. Dyke drama, y’all.
Larry is visiting his parents, who, again, pay his rent. How old is this grown-ass man again? He says he’s writing an article about edging, though, and wow, things I wouldn’t share with my parents 101: how I’m lately trying to masturbate without coming. His mother is concerned about this, thinks Larry should always be coming. Okay, wow. No. Cringing, vomiting, not feeling okay right now. We also learn that Alex was definitely responsible for putting Piper away, but whatever, I don’t actually blame her because again, Piper did what she did.
So the chicken is now worth a lot of money, probably filled with diamonds and money and heroin. Red is mad that everyone else is in on the hunt because she specifically is the only one worthy of the chicken.
Unfortunately the hunt does not last, because everyone is made to lay on the ground and be berated by Pornstache for running. No running, guys! Meanwhile, Bennett gets a note at the guard station, but there’s no drawing on the back like the usual notes from Daya. Everyone sees where this is going, right?
Healy tells Piper that she’s new and will soon learn to not get involved in this stuff. Also the chicken isn’t real. What else isn’t real, Healy?
Oh, honey. Wow.
Piper is on the phone waiting for her meeting. Apparently she and Larry have been borrowing a lot of money from their parents? Again, how old are these grown-ass people? My sympathy for these two kind of died even more than usual. Piper thinks Alex is sabotaging her with the chicken rumors. Piper is a little obsessed with Alex, huh? Larry tells Piper that Alex didn’t name her. Not exactly, buddy. Also good job at likely fueling the Piper/Alex sexytimes.
Bennett arrives at his secret sexy times with Daya in the utility closer but surprise! It’s Daya’s mom, with her titties out, ready for the action. Shitty move, Daya’s mom. Real fucking shitty. The light goes out and we don’t know if anything goes in!
FFFFFLLLLAAASSSHHHBBBAAACCCKKK to Daya and the other kids visiting their mom in prison. Apparently she took the fall for her boyfriend, who is still cooking in their kitchen. Daya’s mom doesn’t actually care about the kids, but wants to know if he’s sleeping around. Daya gets pissed off and Daya’s mom thinks she’s sleeping with the boyfriend. My need to constantly give Daya a hug increases by the minute. Unfortunately Daya goes and hugs her mom’s boyfriend… with her mouth.
Piper is on the phone about to have the conference call with Barney’s. But who appears outside, beckoning her to follow? Is it Jesus? Is it Lesbian Jesus? No, it’s the chicken. And Piper decides to go follow the chicken, instead of following her soapmaking dreams.
Until next time, I’m off to eat some oysters. Stay real, bitches.
