Now that the Lost Boys have been disabled, Team Disorganized storms the camp and starts yelling for Henry, which, as expected, accomplishes nothing. When they hear a voice crying for help, they discover Wendy in a cage. Neal frees her, and has yet another awkward endangering/romantic moment with a child. Why haven’t we reported his super ugly ass yet? Or pushed him off a cliff, either or.
Flashback to the continuing adventures of Rumpleforeskin and Deadbeat Dad. Despite Neverland being an obviously tropical climate, Rumpleforeskin and his father arrive via magical crystal bean portkey in a coniferous forest coast. Daddy tells Rumple to wish for his favorite slice from The Cheesecake Factory, which he promptly leaves on a log.
At first, Wendy is lying like a rug, but then the adults threaten her with weapons, so she tells them the truth. That’s definitely the way to deal with a child, responsible adult people! She’s only been kidnapped and abused by an adult pretending to be a child, let’s just pull out some pointy swords and wave them in her face until she tells us what we to hear!
Pan and Henry are heading via terribly CGI-d boat to Skull Island, where Pan’s about to steal Henry’s soul and other things that make us groan. Seriously, that boat was skipping like a fucking kid in gym class. Pan puts up a barrier that will prevent everyone who has a shadow from entering the island. Bet that won’t be a plot device that shows up later!
Rumpledad says that if he can’t get some pixie dust, he won’t be able to fly, so he better climb this flowering pine tree to get some pixie dust from its naturally occuring pixie dust blossoms. Haha, of course. A shadow with an American accent tells RumpleDad that he does not belong on the island, and that’s why he can’t fly anymore. Again, what the fuck is the logic with these accents.
The most efficient people on the island and Neal are headed to Skull Island to save Henry once and for all. Emma and Regina seated next to each other like the dream team they are was giving me a lot of warm feelings in my tingly place, guys.
In other news: Ugh, Fireball-Wielding Regina is so fucking sexy. Sorry guys, it’s been a while, and her face situation isn’t helping my dry spell.
Of course, they can’t get through because they have shadows, which means they’re going to have to move the fucking moon out of the way to get rid of their shadows. Regina can’t do it alone since moving a literal space entity is pretty exhausting, so it’s a good thing she’s been doing all “teaching” with Emma. Neal’s look after hearing about Emma and Regina’s lessons might as well have been a clip from the first season of The L Word.
It’s time for Emma and Regina to do magic together, just like those times on Buffy when Willow and Tara did magic together as a euphemism for sex. Yes girls, get those hands involved. Everyone knows what hands do. Hint: Hands fuck girls.
Back in the Neverland of the Storied Past, Rumple’s father wants to return to Neverland but he can’t do that unless he sacrifices his son because children can’t have children? What a weird clause. So the American shadow takes Rumple and RumpleDad turns into –
PETER FUCKING PAN?
WAIT. Pan is his fucking father? Wait. Wait, wait, wait. WAIT. Henry’s great-grandfather is fucking Peter Pan? What the fuck is this show? Why are they so hellbent on making every Disney character related? What is this, Once Upon A Fucking West Virginia*?
*As an actual woodchuck person, I make this joke with the personal experience of being first or second cousins with everyone in my town/general region.
The American shadow who sounds like the least employed voice actor of all time explains that Peter Pan’s presence has literally created Skull Island as a place for him to keep track of his own mortality. Some things that really don’t make sense about the random American shadow: He says he’s the sole inhabitant of Neverland. Why? Where the fuck did he come from? What is his purpose beyond acting as a malevolent tour guide? Why does he have an American accent? Why do I bother watching this fucking show?
UPDATE: Marilyn Fucking Manson, former husband of Dita Von Teese and every other girl you’ve ever wanted to lick like a popsicle, was the voice of the shadow. Disney, what the fuck kind of crack rock are you smoking? Is it the magical crystal bean, Disney? Was the magical crystal bean actually crack? I love that someone in the writer’s room was like “Hey, you know what? We’ve got to voice that shitty shadow character, right? How about we get Marilyn Manson?” and then some other guy was like “Great idea, Stan! Pass me that cocaine, will you? We’re going to do lines off Carol. Congrats, guys. Everyone’s doing a bang-up job this season!”
Henry’s parents (and that douche Neal) show up in the cave just in time to see Pan telling Henry that time is running out and he has to give him his heart now in order to save magic. He says that his parents are being selfish because the sacrifice Henry’s making is having to stay on Neverland, not his life. Maury?
By the way, Henry rips out his own heart and then holds it in his fucking hand while everyone argues about it and it is the most fucking metal thing of all time.
Henry’s parents tell him they believe in him, and they love him.
Henry’s like “Oh, I love you guys, too. Even that sperm donor guy who keeps tagging along for all the important family stuff even when he was definitely not invited. When are we gonna lose this clown, guys? But really, I love you, so I’m going to save magic by shoving my heart in someone else’s chest. Boy, I’m full of intelligent choices as a character, aren’t I?”
And then he shoves his fucking heart into Pan’s chest, and he dies.
Elsewhere on the island, the other characters are hit by a green mist that seems to indicate Henry’s demise. I love how Snow and Charming are just walking around grinning like they’re on their way to get ice cream sundaes, not headed for higher ground while their grandson’s life is in jeopardy.
Just a reminder: Rufio would have never let this happen. Rest in peace, sweet prince of our childhoods.
