Are you a promiscuous person living in a promiscuous land? According to OKCupid, purveyor of fine quizzes and finer women, if you’re living in Pittsburgh, Seattle or Portland, you’re probably as slutty as the day is long. You know what else? If you use twitter everyday, odds are 2:1 that you’ll masturbate today. Also if you’re on Autostraddle and it’s Sunday. Duh.
These facts (?) are all well and good, but I’d rather talk about us / you. Of the 1,000+ questions currently marinating in my formspring inbox, around 25% are about OKCupid — how to write a good profile, how to initiate conversation, how to reply to messages, when to meet. It seemed like a good idea to poke around OKCupid and check in on you. We searched for use of the word ‘autostraddle’ and um, you guys are CUTE. Some of you even included us in the list of six things you couldn’t live without! (Now we know how pens and coffee feel!) Because you’re more interesting than the correlation between twitter usage and daily masturbation, we read all about you. We were pretty impressed.
 Autostraddlers on OKCupid Exhibiting Specialness
with cartoons by Intern Hot Laura!
Your self-summary:
1. “I’m awesome.”
You’re really good at:
1. “Picking breakfast places.”
2. “Doing shots.”
3. “Standing in third position.”
4. “Being the big spoon.”
5. “Growing lettuce.”
6. “Calling you back a day too late.”
7. “Accidentally pooping out of nowhere and startling people. [I meant to write popping out of nowhere, but this typo is so funny I’m leaving it].”
8. “Quoting Margaret Cho.”
The first things people usually notice about you:
1. “Dat azz, man.”
2. “The inability to cover my cleavage.”
3. “My snake bites.”
Your favorite food:
1. “Anything + Everything – Chicken Feet = Food.”
The six things you could never do without:
1. “My fingers.”
2. “Weed.”
3. “At least one enemy- because nothing motivates like opposition.”
4. “Red cowgirl boots.”
5. “Something to write with, a good (light, sharp) chef’s knife, a lip/cheek stain in a nice dark pink, love, GPS. It would be more romantic to say “maps”, but fuck that.”
6. “Cashew nuts.” [Ed. note — hell yes]
7. “You’d be surprised how often clothing is optional.”
You spend a lot of time thinking about:
1. “What I am going to eat next.”
2. “What I can put on this profile to make people like me.”
3. “Re-making Thelma & Louise so that they make out at the end.”
4. “Whether my keys are locked in the car, I left my phone frying in my front seat, or I’ve lost anything yet today.”
On a typical Friday night you are:
1. “Finding a place to put all these dead bodies.”
2. “If you present remotely masculine of center I’m spending Friday night looking at your butt.”
The most private thing you’re willing to admit:
1. “I hate Bette.”
2. “For the first 7 or so years of my life, I would have preferred being a dog to being a human. Like I would drink water from a bowl on the floor and bark at people.”
3. “The red hair is fake.”
4. “Sometimes when I kiss my dog he licks me on the mouth and I don’t even mind.”
5. “I broke my leg while streaking. No, I didn’t get to ride in an ambulance naked.”
6. “I only run with things figuratively; you can make me laugh but I will probably still not jog with you.”
We should message you if:
1. “You are interested in glow in the dark mini golf.”
2. “You don’t have unresolved mental illness.”
3. “You are left handed.”
4. “You want someone to dance poorly next to you somewhere in the Castro.”
5. “You are illiterate, but were able to find the ‘Wild Party’ reference in my ‘about me’ section.”
6. “Will marry you if you get it when I use the pickup line “Hello Sue, I’ve got legs! Do you like bread?”
7. “You make a good grilled cheese.”
You all sound very weird and datable! Hey, do any of the rest of you use OKCupid? How’s that worked out for you? I would like to hear your stories.
