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Welcome to NSFW Sunday!

• When people talk about “marriage is work,” the point isn’t a capitalist construction of work where you do a job to completion and succeed and benefit or fail and get fired. Instead, the point is the ongoing work of emotional engagement with a partner while still remembering who you are as an individual, writes Ada Calhoun in a review of The Rough Patch by Daphne de Marneffe at the Cut:

“‘The work isn’t drudgery,’ [de Marneffe] says. ‘The work is staying vulnerable.’ A key challenge of any long-term relationship is finding the strength to engage emotionally while getting through the day: I have to go to work, and then I have to cook, and then I have to care about you too? Ugh. Who among us has not had a grueling 3 a.m. conversation with a partner that they would gladly trade for 40 hours of manual labor? I would rather clean the bathroom. I would rather paint a house. And yet, de Marneffe says, if you want to be a good partner you really should listen when your husband objects to your booby-trapping the freezer.”

• Sometimes memories of trauma come up in moments when you want to focus on pleasure and being present. At Bitch, adrienne maree brown writes about those moments, being triggered or triggering, and what you can do for yourself or your partner: stop; recover in that moment, keeping your attention on your breath; remember you can share as much or as little as you want to; and remember you can leave, ask your partner to leave, or continue if you and your partner both want to:

“If you want to continue the encounter and your lover is still game, start slow. Move within the boundaries you need. But it’s really important to know that you deserve pleasure. Experiences where you can be triggered and recover, which usually come after doing healing work at a somatic and/or therapeutic level, help to reset your system to know that you can enjoy the connections you choose to and reclaim your freedom and pleasure inside of spaces absent of harm.”

• The best way to have a straightforward conversation — which should be basically any conversation, honestly — is to be clear and polite. Use “I” statements, keep your words short and sweet, speak your mind as well as listen, practice being direct, and remember that people would rather hear something hard directly, honestly, politely, and respectfully.

• “Electricity is the medium through which we feel and think. So in a way, you might say that everyone’s kink is electricity. It’s just that most of you are innies, and me? Well, I’m an outie,” writes Page Turner at the Establishment on electrosex.

• “What’s your love style?“

• Here are five takes on the state of sex positivity.

• If you’re looking for a partner and keep winding up with people who don’t feel right for you, try to pay attention to what someone is and does in the early days of a romantic or sexual entanglement, and filter them by what you need and want out of a relationship:

“If you ultimately want to build a fulfilling relationship, you have to filter prospects wisely, choosing exactly where to allocate your limited romantic energy. If you’re a fan of genuine partnership, it’s best to find someone who aligns with your long-term goals and values, observing if a prospect is potential relationship material from the get-go. Instead of chasing the whims of attraction, wondering if it’ll evolve, it’s better to filter prospects based on the qualities and behaviors they display from early days. Although sexual chemistry is fab, it’s not the foundation of a lasting relationship—and filters help you stay awake throughout that charged selection process.”

• At the Establishment, polyamorous people discussed compersion, jealousy, learning and more. On whether poly people get jealous, Holly Francis says:

“The secret? Polyamorous people can, and do, get jealous. Rather than being a negative trait, though, it can be the impetus for introspection and the critical examination of how to more effectively deal with challenges. Jealousy lets us know when something needs to be addressed, and it rather frequently seems to come back to a fear of neglect or abandonment. As with any relationship, learning and growing with one partner can be difficult — in a relationship with multiple partners and multiple considerations it can feel impossible.

Trusting your partners have your best interests at heart, fostering effective communication that addresses concerns before they spiral out of control, taking ownership of one’s own feelings and actions, and respecting the choices and limitations of others are among the standards of success in polyamory.

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