Q:
I recently moved in with my partner of seven months, and for the most part it’s going well! We used to live a 2.5 bus commute apart which made seeing each other logistically difficult, especially because we both have pets so sleepovers weren’t always in the mix. But we made it work! But I’m much happier now that we (and the pets!) are cohabitating all under one roof.
We knew going in this would be challenging, but the main problem we’re having is…a bigger deal than I even anticipated. We have completely different concepts of “bedtime.” She’s a night owl, and I wouldn’t consider myself an extreme morning person, but I do like to be in bed around 10pm. If I stay up too late, it makes it hard to wake up for work in the morning. Or on the weekends, if I stay up to late, I end up sleeping in and then feeling like I’ve wasted part of my weekend. My partner though seems incapable of going to bed any time before 2am. She has to wake up a little later than me for work, but not much. I guess she just doesn’t need as much sleep as I do. Idk how she does it!
In the beginning of living together, I tried to do her schedule, because I was excited to be living together and liked the idea of going to bed with someone. But this resulted in me being very cranky during the day. So we agreed it would probably be best if I just go to bed when I’m tired and then she join me when she’s ready to go to bed, but the problem is that I alwayyyyys wake up when she gets into the bed, no matter how quiet she tries to be. It’s then hard for me to go to sleep so I end up being tired still in the morning despite having gone to bed without her. So then at that point, I’m like fuck it should I just force myself to stay up so I can get the benefit of us going to bed at the same time if I’m gonna be tired regardless? I really do want to be able to go to bed together, especially since it’s better for our sex life to be completely honest, but also I know that would come at huge sacrifice for one of us.
Also, we also end up fighting the next day if she’s ever accidentally disruptive/noisy in those late night hours like one time when she started watching a movie way too loud. I hate fighting! I get that this is just a difference between us, but it feels so fraught. I just want to know if it’s possible to find a compromise or if my internal clock is gonna be messed up for the entirety of our relationship.
A:
Every partner I’ve lived with has had a different sleep schedule than myself, including my current wife. In fact, I’ve actually written about it before. People have different sleep needs in general, and it’s good to talk about it, especially with a cohabitational parter!
In a past relationship, I did try to alter my natural sleep schedule for the sake of compatibility with my partner at the time, and it did not work. Forcing compatibility rarely does. Because at the end of the day, our sleep needs weren’t compatible at all; I was just adopting hers. It worked until it didn’t, which is to say it seemed fine on the surface except for the fact that it made me moody, depressed, and low energy and also, over time, built up a lot of resentment. That’s not a healthy solution or compromise at all.
Which is all my way of saying no, I don’t think you should just say fuck it and stick to your partner’s sleep schedule if that’s not what feels natural to you. I do think it could lead to a lot more of those fights you mention. I do think you should go to bed when you want to, but I also know that poses two issues: the fact that you do enjoy going to bed together (I get it!) and the fact that when she gets into bed late, it wakes you up.
I can give you some tips based on my current relationship, but ultimately you’re also going to have to figure out what works best for you. I really do understand wanting to go to bed at the same time, especially because of sex! One thing that works in my relationship is where in the past I might have said “I want to go to bed” when really what I wanted was to go have sex and then go to bed, I’ve now shifted to saying “I want to have sex.” In the past, my wife (correctly!) took me at my word when I said I wanted to go to bed meaning I simply just wanted to go to sleep and would be like “I’m not tired yet.” But once I got better and more clear about saying what it was I actually wanted, things worked much better. We could go upstairs to bed together, be intimate, and then I could go to sleep and she could do whatever.
The other key solution I’ve found is actually not to do the same thing every single night. Your best bet at compromise isn’t to make one set schedule or structure around bedtime but to vary it. Instead of one person’s needs being met 100% of the time and the other person’s needs being met 0% of the time, why not a situation where everyone’s needs are being met some or most of the time? For example, there are nights when my wife comes upstairs at the same time as me but doesn’t go to sleep right away. She watches things on her phone or reads, unwinding the same way she would at the end of a day but upstairs in bed with me. This is great, because I admittedly do sleep better when she’s with me. But this isn’t an every night situation. Some nights, she stays downstairs and does her thing and joins me later. We adjust it based on how we’re each feeling. We choose compromises in the moment, like the times when I do go upstairs without her and cannot sleep so let her know that and she ends up joining me.
Sleep is so important! It will start to affect everything if you’re not getting the sleep your body needs. It does sound like your partner is trying to be respectful of your sleep (with, of course, some normal human slip ups like the movie instance), so that’s good. I hope you’ve been as open and honest as possible with her about your sleep needs. As for waking up when she joins you in bed, are there any parts of her nighttime bedroom routine that could be done when you’re also getting ready for bed so that she doesn’t have to do too much when she joins you? For example, can she change into her pajamas and do anything she needs to do that might require light so she doesn’t have to turn on lights when she comes back up? Can she unwind in bed the way my wife does?
I’d recommend investing in a good quality sleep mask (I like weighted ones personally), especially if one of the solutions ends up being that your partner ends up unwinding in bed and is on a phone or screen. You should also look into noise cancelling earphones designed for sleep or the Loop earplugs for sleep (I’m sure there are other great brands, but these have been recommended by so many people I know!). I don’t wear headphones to sleep but sometimes if I’m worried about waking up because of any kind of noise (including construction outside), I play piano music from my phone and it ends up distracting from any additional noises in a way I personally find soothing and restful. But it all depends on your preferences!
I also know some couples whose sleep needs are so different that they end up sleeping in separate rooms. That’s not a viable option for a lot of folks for financial reasons, but I just want to throw it out there, because it’s something that’s sometimes stigmatized when it shouldn’t be! There’s no one way to live with a partner, and separate bedrooms can absolutely be a healthy and mutually beneficial option for some couples.
I don’t think the relationship is doomed, but I do think this is something you’ll both have to address head on and come up with fluid compromises for instead of going all or nothing on it. Do some trial and error! There are always lots of learning curves to moving in together, and I feel like sometimes people just fall into bad habits or situations where their needs aren’t being met for the sake of a false sense of stability and not wanting to rock the boat. When really, moving in together should be a time of trial and error when some needs/desires aren’t perfectly compatible. As long as you’re both holding mutual respect for each other’s sleep schedules, I think you’ll be able to figure something out that works for you both.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
