Q:

I recently had a good date turn bad and am looking for advice! My husband and I split up after I realized that I am not bisexual but rather a lesbian. I’d had sexual experiences with women before my marriage, but I’ve never had an actual official girlfriend before. Since the divorce, I’ve had lots of hookups, but I’m trying now to date with more intention and seriousness. This date was going really well, but when I disclosed that I’d never had a girlfriend before to this date, the vibe shifted immediately. She said she doesn’t want to be anybody’s first-ever girlfriend because she’s looking for something serious/longterm and doesn’t want to waste her time because “nobody ever settles down with their first girlfriend”?? But I am ALSO looking to settle down! My dating profile even says so!! I liked being married, I just didn’t like being married to a man. I’m in my 40s with two young kids for crying out loud! I want another life partner! Any hints on how to screen dates to not end up crying into my margarita again? Or is she right and I am just horribly naive to think that I’ll want to settle down with my first ever girlfriend?

A:

I personally think your date was being a little ridiculous. For starters, I know lots of people who ended up in long term relationships or even married to their first girlfriends ever. And we’re talking a range of identities here: people of different ages, sexualities, genders, and relationship histories.

Your date’s biases read as a muddied mixture of heteronormativity, internalized homophobia, and biphobia??? A hodgepodge of biases, if you will! That’s just my interpretation though, and it’s possible those aren’t the places she’s operating from, but my gut reaction is truly that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.

And for that reason alone, even though it sucks that a good date went bad, I say good riddance to her. If she holds these opinions about dating, it just isn’t a good fit for where you are in life. The truth is there are people who sometimes have these hardlined feelings about people’s queer dating histories. We get a lot of advice letters from people anxious about diving into dating when they have minimal or no queer dating experience, and I’m always encouraging. It doesn’t matter! Or it shouldn’t. 

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And if it does matter to someone, like your date, you don’t have to date them! There are plenty of people out there who won’t give a shit about the prospect of being your first girlfriend. Move on from this date gone wrong so you can find them.

Honestly you’re doing all the right screening by disclosing what you’re looking for in your app profile. I’m of the belief that you don’t need to really disclose that you’ve never had a girlfriend before until it comes up! Be honest of course. But I don’t think this is something you HAVE to go out of your way to disclose on a first date. It’s definitely not shameful. But you can wait until someone gets to know you before you delve into your relationship history.


You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.