Q:
A few years back, my best friend got married, moved to the suburbs, and had kids. My partner and I stayed in the city, about two hours away from her place on public transit. I was sad when she moved that I couldn’t just drop in for an afternoon to hang out. But it happens, people change and want different things in life.
She is keen to host us in her guest room on weekends, whenever we’re able to come over. But she and her husband fight all the time, and he spends most of his free time playing video games in the basement while she does all (ALL) of the housework and childcare duties.
The problem is, I don’t want to visit her anymore and I kind of resent that it’s been literal years since she’s come into the city to see me. I know being pregnant and breastfeeding, as she’s been cycling in and out of for a while, makes getting away from home difficult. But when I visit, we can’t get more than a few words in before a kid needs her attention, and her husband is someone I’ve never really liked, even before his transition into fatherhood (or lack thereof). Every time we visit, my partner and I spend the bus ride home dissecting what ruined the weekend for us.
I don’t think there is any way to address any of this with her directly without ending the friendship. She won’t discuss her husband’s failings with me, and I’ve tried! (Last time I saw her, I said outright that it pissed me off he was playing video games while she was doing everything else. She just said he had a busy job and deserved his leisure time, and then changed the subject when I asked if she didn’t deserve the same.) She seems pretty lonely and is always so thrilled when we come to visit because I’m really her only friend. I want to be there for her, but I don’t want to stay at her house or give up any more of my weekends to play Auntie to her kids while she runs herself ragged and her husband plays Call of Duty.
Is there anything to be done? Or should I just make excuses until the kids are older and she can travel to see me for a day trip instead?
A:
I’ve been on both sides of this dilemma. It’s hard to be in a different season of life than our bestie, but that’s what happens when you become an adult. Before I get into it, I will say I personally still regret abandoning my friends when they were knee deep in the trappings of domesticity. That’s not to sway you in any direction, but it’s something I’ve been grappling with in the last handful of years.
Based on what I’m reading, it sounds like you’re more than a little resentful of your friend’s life choices, which, okay fine. She moved to the suburbs and popped out a bunch of kids, and now you can’t just call her up and veg on the couch or grab dinner or go to a movie without a ton of planning. That sucks! It’s hard to lose that kind of connection, especially if the life she has isn’t one you want (even if you might in the future, I don’t know!) The simple fact is: This is the life she’s chosen. If she’s your friend and you really care about her, you’ll figure out how to show up for her in a way that fits where you’re both at. You say she’s your best friend, but you didn’t say how long you’ve been friends, so I can’t really properly assess how deep the roots of your friendship are.
If you don’t think you can be the friend your friend needs because you have too many issues with her life choices, then you need to end or change the friendship, not make excuses for why you can’t see her and hope that things get better in a few years. From what you’ve written, you don’t seem particularly fond of her kids and don’t have much interest in creating a relationship with them. If that’s how you feel now, I can’t imagine that your feelings are going to change as they get older.
As for the husband issue, if there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you cannot get in the middle of that relationship. I hated my best friend’s now ex-husband, but when they were married, I kept that shit to myself and played nice because that’s what you have to do sometimes for your best friend. The more you make clear that you don’t like him or the choices they make in their relationship, the more she is going to be defensive and unreceptive. She’ll be less likely to open up to you, which she might start doing if she doesn’t feel like she has to defend him to you. Then, you can talk about it on her terms. You will get nowhere by airing out all of your grievances with him to her face. You can bitch about him all you want with your partner though.
It sounds like your best friend really cares about you and values the relationship you two have. When I had a kid, I cherished my relationships with my childfree friends even more than when I didn’t have kids. They reminded me that underneath all of the mom stuff, I was still a person. Your friend probably feels that way about you, too.
Honestly, I think you wrote this to ask for permission to end your friendship with her, and if I’m being totally truthful, I think you should if this is where you’re truly at. It doesn’t sound like you’re willing to be the kind of friend she needs right now, and she deserves someone who wants to be there for her. Maybe one day, you two will be able to come back to each other and have a different friendship, but at the end of the day, her family will always be an important part of her life. If you don’t want to deal with a husband you don’t like or kids, there are plenty of people out there who don’t have those things that you can be friends with.
If you end your friendship, be honest and tell her you can’t be the friend she needs or deserves because the differences in your life are just too much. If you love her, tell her that, too. She’ll need to hear it.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
